Why I love Being a Single Mother - Page 5

[mistymama]

I've got a new one ... we made peanut butter cookies for dinner tonight ... there was one beater for me to lick, and one for Alex.

Then we sat down and ate our cookies with a banana and some milk. Something I probably wouldn't do if anyone was around to see : but so much fun.

Alex has been running around lately with a pink feather boa around his neck .. and there is no one here to make stupid comments or say he looks "gay" like I know my x would have done. We are free to be ourselves 100% and that is priceless.

[StephandOwen]

Tuesday I took DS to the store to pick out a (late) V-day gift (one of the good things about him being too young to care what day it is, I got it 50% off.... LOL!) and he picked out a pink snake. Ex would have NEVER let me get it (or, rather, he would have thrown it away when I brought it home) b/c *boys can't play with pink* DS loves it

[Teryll]

Hi,

I just signed onto this board and started reading in the single mother’s section and I can only say that I am very happy to see this Thread. I belong to other parenting forums and some of them sort of “look down” (to a degree) on single mothers, or I see many references of, “thank goodness I have my DH because I could NEVER be a single mom! I don’t know how they do it!” Now I realize it’s their opinion, but I can’t help but feel a little upset when people say things like this. For me, it was the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am PROUD to be a single mom, and here’s my personal list, above and beyond what was already said by other ladies:

• I love not fighting with my ex-Fiancé anymore and putting up with his “baby-ish” ways. I am responsible for ONE baby, my little girl, not TWO.

• I am proud of myself for not giving into “societal rules” and getting married to my ex because of our daughter. I am 100% secure knowing that her life will be better as a result of me realizing that if we couldn’t fix what was wrong with us in 8 years, we’re likely not going to in the next 8, etc.

• I don’t think – and this could be because I never met the right person – that I’m cut out for being married. It’s never been something I dreamed of for myself. But as I got older I knew I wanted a baby and when I found out I was pg it just seemed right that it should work out this way. I had a desire to have my daughter, but not a marriage with her father (although I still welcome his involvement with her). It’s obviously ruined my relationship with her father, but I feel SO GOOD ABOUT MYSELF (better than I have in YEARS) that my daughter can’t help but notice that on some levels and be happy, too.

• I am blessed to have the help of my family with my daughter and it makes it so much easier for me to balance a professional life with having my daughter. I know she is ALWAYS in good hands and loved. I feel blessed to have the best of both worlds, without a needy and cranky man in the picture who tried to oppose many things I wanted to do.

So I rambled on, but that's my happy-to-be-a-single-mom list!

[dreadmama]

You mamas rock!!! I reading this thread!

ditto to everything mentioned. my additions (just restating what's already been said):

*I don't have to deal with an hour of grumpy verbal abuse every morning, make his breakfast, and then hear "sorry about that... I love you" after he gets his coffee and a smoke!

*I don't have to deal with crazy mood swings, and constantly be the cheer leader, bread winner, house cleaner, cook, shopper, and then be blamed when things go wrong or that I didn't quit my job to 'support' him in his 'effort' to start his business (which wasn't making any money)

*I look at how amazingly smart, happy, and passionate my daughter is and think how wonderful our lives are together. I imagine the horror that was our life that I saved her from and know that leaving was the best thing I could have ever done for us.



Karen

[spacecdt]

Amen, sistah!!

• I love not fighting with my ex-Fiancé anymore and putting up with his “baby-ish” ways. I am responsible for ONE baby, my little girl, not TWO.

• I am proud of myself for not giving into “societal rules” and getting married to my ex because of our daughter.

• I don’t think – and this could be because I never met the right person – that I’m cut out for being married. It’s never been something I dreamed of for myself. But as I got older I knew I wanted a baby and when I found out I was pg it just seemed right that it should work out this way. I had a desire to have my daughter, but not a marriage with her father (although I still welcome his involvement with her). It’s obviously ruined my relationship with her father, but I feel SO GOOD ABOUT MYSELF (better than I have in YEARS) that my daughter can’t help but notice that on some levels and be happy, too.

• I am blessed to have the help of my family with my daughter and it makes it so much easier for me to balance a professional life with having my daughter. I know she is ALWAYS in good hands and loved. I feel blessed to have the best of both worlds, without a needy and cranky man in the picture who tried to oppose many things I wanted to do.

Oh, man! I couldn't have said it better myself! Tho with the marrying-thing, I think it's because I'm a Gemini. We have a tendancy to be persnickety.

The only thing I will probably miss is having another kidling. Tho I haven't passed Doug 101 yet...

[meco]

Yes, other kids will come....somehow, some way, some day.


I want another one too, and I know I will have one...one day.

[meco]

Originally Posted by StephandOwen

Tuesday I took DS to the store to pick out a (late) V-day gift (one of the good things about him being too young to care what day it is, I got it 50% off.... LOL!) and he picked out a pink snake. Ex would have NEVER let me get it (or, rather, he would have thrown it away when I brought it home) b/c *boys can't play with pink* DS loves it

Steph, that is sooo cool. My son wears pink. If Puff wears pink, so can my son

[Summertime Mommy]

Originally Posted by StephandOwen

Tuesday I took DS to the store to pick out a (late) V-day gift (one of the good things about him being too young to care what day it is, I got it 50% off.... LOL!) and he picked out a pink snake. Ex would have NEVER let me get it (or, rather, he would have thrown it away when I brought it home) b/c *boys can't play with pink* DS loves it

My ds has a pink snake too. He got it 2 yrs ago and he still sleeps with it most nights.

I am new to being single, bute here is my list:

I can have as many of my kids sleeping w/ me as I want.

I don't have to smell cigarette smoke in my home ever. (He always smoked in the bathroom and didnt believe me when I told him I could smell it in the rest of the house.)

I don't have hair in the sink.

I don't have to clean if I don't want to.

I don't have anyone telling me how to raise my kids.

I don't have to search the whole house looking for his dirty clothes to wash just so he can get angry at me for not folding them properly.

I don't have to answer to anyone but myself.

I don't feel pressured to have sex when I don't really feel like it.

I don't have to wait up all night long for him wonderring where he is and if he is okay. I can go to bed when I want and wake up stress free every single day.

Wow, I am surprised my list is so long.

[ThisLifeTimeMother]

I love being able to change

I so needed to read this thread tonight. I've just gotten off the phone to a friend who's in a relationship, who was questioning my recent decision to have another baby (actually I'm planning several more!) given that I'm single and my girls are getting older now (7&8). She spoke with the weight of the dominant culture behind her, assuming that what is right for me would be to move on and start a career and move 'out into the world' instead of putting myself back into that 'more insular and private' space of mothering. (Sorry, just had to vent).

Anyway, what I love about being a single parent:
* being able to change my whole life and world view as I read and explore more and encounter such wisdom and depth in areas I'd never even considered before. (my ex hated how changeable I can be - seeing it as inconsistent rather than fluid)
* sharing my explorations and discoveries with my girls, and enjoying their input and wisdom along the way - without anyone expecting them to be 'just kids - only interested in 'just playing'.
* unschooling and extended breastfeeding without having to deal with my ex's discomfort around going against the 'norm'.
* as I embrace such a degree of 'unlearning' so many cultural biases and assumptions that i just didn't recognise before, it's nice to not have to have some other adult along for the ride, with their own bumps and blockages - unlearning by myself is huge, but alongside another with their own agenda would be painstakingly slow.
*just not having to do all the processing and work of a couple relationship - I might want a relationship when my kids are grown, but at the moment I wouldn't want to put their needs on hold while the grown-up's work through their stuff (all the couples I know, even the 'happy' ones just seem to put SO much WORK into their relationships - and to me it looks like they don't seem to get far as a result - and that's gay and straight relationships alike)
* at the moment one of the things i love most is knowing that when I do get pregnant this time, every instinct and innate wisdom I feel, i will follow freely, feeling strong in my knowledge of myself as a woman and a mother.

thanks for sharing everyone, i feel better now.
Jenn

[guerrillamama]

ThisLifeTime! I really like your post.
Well, I like this whole thread.

You should check out this thread:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=254421
Satori is also getting ready to have another babe. You and her should exchange notes, and some of us will be watching your journeys with great interest.

[ankh]

Please can I ask a question?

Ok I'm not single but reading all this freaked me out a little as it's what I've been dreaming about since I had oldest child. It's like as soon as Liam came out ( 3yrs ago) DH regressed and everything fell apart, things haven't really improved. So I lie there thinking about no shouting/tv/junk food/anger/control/swearing in front of kids etc and think how lovely it would be.

Don't get me wrong dh is a hardworking good man who doesn't drink/cheat stay out late. He loves us but I dread him coming home.

Am I being REALLY unrealistic, you lovely ladies make it sound so great, I know it must be really hard, but is it REALLY easier without them?

How and When do you know when enough is enough?
Hope noone minds me butting in
Thanks

[guerrillamama]

I don't have any advice, I wasn't in a relationship w/ my baby's dad, so I haven't been there. Lots of other mamas here will have words of wisdom for you.

Just

[meco]

lisa

I started a new thread about this so everyone sees it, and since the question is asked/thought a lot...well, it deserves some attention and discussion.

[Raynbow]

My reasons (beside several of those you mentioned) are:
I can nurse Trystan as long as his little heart desires and no one is going to give me crap about it in our home.
I can co-sleep with both my sons if they want and there is (barely) enough room (and no one to give me crap about it!).
Our home is a safe place now. No verbal abuse. No emotional abuse.
If I want to give my sons something, I can - I don't have to convince anyone else.
If I feel like spending all day Saturday in my pjs, I can without hearing "Are you going to get dressed SOMETIME today?!"
All my non-work time belongs to my kids - I don't have to share it.
All my toddler's time belongs to ME - I don't have to share it.
No one is going to spank or slap Trystan in the face/mouth. Ever. (My stbxH and I had a BIG disagreement over this - he used to spank his kids and even slapped them in the mouth/face a few times (drawing blood more then once) and I feel that hitting someone in the face is emotional abuse - he would never have hit my older son, but I don't think he would have agreed to the same thing for *our* son).
And finally... everyone who knows us thinks that *I* am doing a great job raising my sons. If I was still with my stbxH, I 'd still be doing all the work, but not get the credit. Maybe that is petty, but I work hard raising my sons to be good people - good MEN - and I think it is important for the world to know that a single mom *can* raise good men.

[Raynbow]

Originally Posted by meco

ITA with wrestling,

Well, I can't agree with the wrestling, because as a single momma, it means I HAVE to attend my older son's wrestling meets *EVERY* weekend from December til March... *sigh*
I love watching him wrestle, but I hate that it takes 4 or more hours out of every single Sunday for four months. Plus there is the two hour practices three times a week for almost five months.
Doing all that with a two year old is most exhausting...

[Raynbow]

YES! I forgot that one!

I was SO scared when he left. I was terrified I was going to lose the house and everything. I was terrified that I couldn't do it. How was I going to take care of two kids by myself, work a full time job and take care of the house, too?
Especially since he claimed that part of why HE was leaving was because HE was too overwhelmed trying to work his FT job and take care of most of the household chores (I was 9 months pregnant, working FT and caring for three kids - BY MYSELF - the least he could do was household crap)! (Of course, he forgot to mention that the MAIN reason he was leaving was because he had a mistress who WASN'T hugely pregnant, working FT and caring for 3 kids and therefore had lots of time to go out and party and be fun, fun, fun!)

Add in that my house has a coal furnace that during the winter months requires daily tending (filling & lugging 5 gallon buckets full of coal to the feeder, carrying HUGE 2' in diameter, 2' deep tubs of ashes UP a flight of stairs and out of the house) or it will go out (and it does occasionally go out anyway - which means sifting good coal out of the ash tub, relighting the furnace by sticking a bag into the coal, reaching in with your bare hand and trying to light the bag & bury it in the coal - all while inhaling all sorts of fumes - CO2, etc.). All of this also includes breathing coal dust and being coated in it - I always have to rinse out my mouth, sinuses and nose afterwards.
And I was supposed to deal with all this at 9 months pregnant? And later, with a newborn?

Then toss in that we had 10K in credit card debt - all in my name. Plus a mortgage and we'd just spent ALL our savings to buy him a conversion van.

I was scared to death.

Here it is over two years later and I can't fathom what he found so hard to handle about the household... My house isn't the neatest and sometimes we eat out instead of the perfect home cooked meal, but I do it all - BY MYSELF. It is amazing what you can do - and do well - when you need to.
That is SOOOO empowering.
I am MOMMA! Hear me roar!

[woobysma]

Originally Posted by ThisLifeTimeMother

* being able to change my whole life and world view as I read and explore more and encounter such wisdom and depth in areas I'd never even considered before. (my ex hated how changeable I can be - seeing it as inconsistent rather than fluid)

yes, yes, yes that !.... and this

It is amazing what you can do - and do well - when you need to.
That is SOOOO empowering.
I am MOMMA! Hear me roar!

[Teryll]

Originally Posted by Summertime Mommy

I don't feel pressured to have sex when I don't really feel like it.

Oh this is a GOOD one! I agree totally!

[DreamsInDigital]

One thing I love about being a single mama is that my boys are growing up and they're turning out to be such wonderful people. I know that I alone have done 99% of the work involved. I can look at them every day and be proud that they are who they are because of me.
I have so much pride that I support them by myself. Everyone talks about how hard single parenting is. Are you kidding me? It's so much easier!
ITA with everything that everyone else has said.
I am planning in the future to purposely have another baby and single parent him/her. In fact, I'm beginning to think I never want to get married.
I love being a single mom!

[EmmaJo'sMom]

Originally Posted by lisa72

Ok I'm not single but reading all this freaked me out a little as it's what I've been dreaming about since I had oldest child. It's like as soon as Liam came out ( 3yrs ago) DH regressed and everything fell apart, things haven't really improved. So I lie there thinking about no shouting/tv/junk food/anger/control/swearing in front of kids etc and think how lovely it would be.

Don't get me wrong dh is a hardworking good man who doesn't drink/cheat stay out late. He loves us but I dread him coming home.

Am I being REALLY unrealistic, you lovely ladies make it sound so great, I know it must be really hard, but is it REALLY easier without them?

How and When do you know when enough is enough?
Hope noone minds me butting in
Thanks

Try counseling, try seperation, if you still dread him coming home, then I'm afraid it's time. It's not easy being a single Mom, but it's easier than hating your situation. And I love being a single mom.