Family: When to say when? (help!)

[Autumnschild]

I am going crazy. My sister and her 2 young girls have come to stay with my DH, 2 kids and I. They were homeless in another state, and I offered my place as a place to stay if they wanted to move here and start fresh. My sis scrambled to get the money from various charities and made it here, but her car broke down 2 hours away. I went and got them and brought them home safely...only to find out that she hadn't a penny to her name and was expecting me to fully support them until she got on her feet.

We are struggling as is. Now in just two weeks, she has managed to use up everything...toilet paper, toothpaste, even my baby's shampoo. She eats my food as though it is nothing, replacing nothing. I even had to buy diapers for her baby. Now I am panicking because it has been 2 weeks and she has only applied for 3 jobs. Since her car isn't here, she expects me to give her rides to work (when she gets a job) or let her use my car. I am also expected to provide daycare for her. The daycare part is okay, only the state won't pay me for it as long as she is living here.

We are so broke for the holidays and I am absolutely disappointed that something I tried to do positive is turning out so negative. We have been fighting non-stop. I see it affecting my children and that breaks my heart. I don't know what to do. It is frigid cold here and I can't turn my only sister and her babies out onto the streets. What can I do? I'm desperate here! My heart is breaking.

I can't live like this. My home is disgusting because she has little sense of cleanliness and order, and I am breaking my back trying to compensate for it so DH can come home from work to a decent home. She has made herself quite at home here and I am beginning to feel that she intends to lean on us to take care of her.

[asherah]

I think you need to sit down with her and talk about a couple of things:

First... if she has no money now, she needs to at least start helping around the house, doing chores etc. You need to outline the "house rules" and agree on her responsibilities.

Then.. come up with a list of goals for her to meet in terms of getting a job, ie: sending out a certain number of resumes, making a certain number of phone calls per week.
Maybe even setting a deadline for getting a job.
If she is not willing to do this, then present her with a list of shelters and job services.

I think it is so great that you took her in, and of course you don't want to throw her out.. especially since she has innocent children. You don't want them on the street of course.

But she has to start helping herself and contributing to the household. She will feel better about herself if she does.
I think you have to get very very specific with her and agree on a sort of contract together.

I hope everything works out.

[Autumnschild]

(sigh)

I can't deal with her as I would a normal person. She claims she is sensitive, I suspect more along the lines of severely manic/depressant. I tried the chore list. She started ramting about how she was every bit as neat and tidy as I, and called me a snob. I have been pushing the job search, but it is tiring because I am doing all of the work. She now says it is in her better interest to wait until the 1st to start working because then she'll get more assistance from the state. Because of that decision, she turned down a job interview. She also turned down a job (the day she was supposed to start work) because she said she felt like she was going to die. Her lungs were killing her and she was convinced it was pneumonia or from the fly spray she had previously used. So instead of starting work that day, she went to the Dr. They told her she was fine, just needed some rest. She took the rest and hasn't mentioned dying since. She also hasn't looked for work since.

[Lucky Charm]

Sheri, I am so sorry....this looks and sounds dreadful.

I'd say kick her to the curb and get off her butt, but i totally see your point about her kids. You are between a rock and a hard place.

[Justice2]

I know that you don't want to kick your family into the streets. I really cannot see your situation getting any better though. She sounds as if she is going to continue to use you and your family and expect you to care for her. She is an adult. She is a mother. It's really past time that she take care of her self. I know you don't want to do it, but I second the suggestion to provide her with a list of shelters and agencies that can help her. I am sorry that you are going through this. s

[wende]

Ugh, no suggestions just 2

[zionsmom]

If you don't want to kick her out, charge her rent. Explain to her that she WILL NOT continue to live there for free, and she has to take responsibility.

I can almost bet that if she gets used to this lifestyle that you both have created, IF she starts to earn money, none of it will come to you willingly, so get her used to it now.

I would then give her a deadline. Buy such and such date you need to have a job b/c rent for you is due on such and such date. (That's how it is in the real world). You have to make her realize that she needs to take some responsibility for herself, and not become dependent on you.

Now as for her children, you can say, look, I'll help you save some money by keeping them for FREE, BUT you HAVE GOT TO HAVE A JOB or else day care won't be free mama...sorry! Also, have her realize she has to chip in on buying food around the house. Or else, she and her children will need to find a way to eat (and stick to it. I'm hoping here that the love for her kids will kick in and she would want them to aleast eat a good meal)

I know it may sound harsh, but I can see her eventually causing a rift in your family and marriage. And once you are all used up, she'll probably try to find somewhere else to go...and what are you left with? A bunch of home problems and no money....jmo

mama I hope you figure it out...

[Autumnschild]

I agonized about the situation all night last night. When I awoke this morning, I came to the decision that we needed to have a talk. It turned into a huge fight, but I made my point. Which is that I have house rules and if she wants to be a part of this family, she will have to abide by them. I told her that if she couldn't, then she needs to find someplace else to go. I gave her the number to a shelter and she has already called them. They will provide a room for her and her children until she gets it together. She told me she called and I didn't object. I think she sees as well as I do that we cannot live together.

I hope she follows through with this one on her own because I can't throw them out and I really can't provide for her. We're can't afford it, emotionally or financially.

Thanks for your support mamas. I needed it, bad.