When to push them.

[candiland]

I am a bit concerned about my five year old dd.

She was very over-protected and over-coddled as a babe and toddler. I confused AP and GD with smothering and giving in to her every whim. Now, at the age of five, she has meltdowns and tantrums that rival that of my two year old. Not only that, but my dh's overprotectiveness of her has her scared of EVERYTHING.

How much do I push her to overcome her fears? I don't want her to grow up feeling weak and meek and scared and defenseless, but that's how she acts about everything.

Case in point: she really wanted to try gymnastics. She did great the first couple of times... was the "best" in her class. And suddenly, she started screaming and crying and tantruming like a toddler in the middle of class whenever the instructor wanted them to try something new. I know I shouldn't have felt this way, but I was really, really embarrassed at her outlandish behavior. (I never scolded or reprimanded or made her feel guilty; it was internalized). The other parents seemed very concerned about her behavior, too.

Do I just let her run away from everything? My dh and I have talks with her every day about talking it out, speaking instead of tantruming, and how we can help her work through the things she's afraid of. Is there anything else I can do?

[lula]

Ok, first my dd is 3.5 so more than a bit younger than yours.

The only things I thought were that this seems like the sort of dilemma that is really a gradual improvement, incrimental change sort of thing. For example: what is she afraid of? I would make a list and start with the least complicated one and work only on that for a bit. Maybe if she solves a few of the problems with easier solutions she will have more confidence to move on to other ones.

Also could her fear really be a lack of confidence and a complete ignorance (in the true sense of the word not as the oft misused definition "dumb" ) of failure of expectations? For example she was the best in the class and that is what she was always used to being in other areas of life. Then when they had to try something different or a skill she had to practice etc she was not automatically the best anymore. I can see how this sort of dilemma could be a huge problem for her if she is not accustomed to the process of learning with natural failure built in before achieving mastery of a skill.

How is she in a group situation? Maybe group sports would be a way for her to practice without always being the one who has to be "on."

I could be way off but this was just my initial thought.

Best of luck!

[UnschoolnMa]

Small steps is what I am thinking. I would try maybe gentle encouragment (pushes I guess...) in the direction of small things that she could be super succesful at in order to achieve some personal power of her own. Does that make any sense? Also, I know she is young but if there is any way that you can talk about, casually I guess, how you yourself have been afraid and worried but that you tried and faced it.