how do I get through this?

[Shantimama]

I am hurting so bad right now. I have had it with being under so much stress. We are trying to sell our house and I fear it will take months because it is such an atypical property - gorgeous house and lot, but not your average home someone will just snap up. Our finances are stretched to the limit and we need to sell soon before it gets worse. My mom who has dementia (and was pretty crazy to start with!) is downright bizarre these days and I feel like I should be helping keep things under control better at the care home where she lives- but I just don't have time to be there enough. There are no other family members to help out. I am homeschooling our kids in addition to keeping the house in "showable" condition and keeping an eye on my mom's care and eratic behavior. Dh does the laundry and outside work, but I do all of the cooking and shopping, 90% of the cleaning, most of the chauffering and hs'ing. I started psychotherapy a couple of months ago and that has been amazing but I think I have to stop. Until the house sells, we just can't afford it. I have some pretty major emotional and sexual abuse issues to work through and feel like I can do good work with this therapist and really want to do it - BUT I feel so much stress about moving (and we are moving because of more stressful situations I won't even get into here) that I don't think it's the right time to go into that intensity. We talked last session about having a "safe place" physically and psychologically to go to when working through this stuff and having a support system in place -well, I have none of that right now. I want to have a truly safe place to live and some financial security and a knowledge of where I will be living when I re-open old wounds. I don't feel safe doing that amidst all of this insecurity and tension. I feel ready to burst. I want to be free to grow and heal and be myself but that feels impossible right now. There is too much work to be done, too many people needing me. Dh and I trust that things will ease once we move, but when will that be? He wants to encourage feminist stuff, but sometimes I wonder. Right now I just want to run away, but I won't. Is it possible to be a feminist hs'ing mom? I want to do all of the things I wasn't free to do earlier in my life but I certainly don't want to turn my childrens lives upside down or turn my marriage on its head. Why do I feel so trapped? Am I going crazy? How much stress can someone take? How do I keep going and holding on until I can put my priorities somewhere near the top of the list? I am so unhappy and feel like I have to stuff my needs and feelings down for awhile longer, just when they are starting to wake up. It doesn't seem right, it's so unfair. Am I just whining?

[MsMoMpls]

Just wanted to check in with some support. I don't think you are whining. I think you are trying to write all the chapters of your life at the same time. Do this chapter. One at a time. The best thing about being an old mom is that you get so much more perspective on time. A year from now, you will tell this story in one paragraph. And you will have survived. Pretend that this is a novel you are writing. You have all your characters in turmoil at the same time and you need some plot twist to pull it all together but you can't quite find it yet. Don't worry- it will come. Just skip this chapter for a bit. Work on the next one... dream, plan, hope. You need space. What will it look like, what will your life be when the healing work is done? There is a rune stone that I always get that is something about the farmer that wanted his plants to grow so he would pull on the shoots. That was me for a long time. Now I think I have figured out that things grow about as fast as they are going to grow. People heal... children grow up... houses sell, seasons change. Boy- I sound like so old lady, don't I?

In a nut shell, hang in there baby! This too shall pass. There is time in your life for all of your choices. That is how women can have it all- by respecting the seasons of your life.

[Shantimama]

Thanks for the encouragement. Too much stress for too long is taking its toll on me. I hate walking around feeling like I am at the edge of a cliff, ready to fall over if too much more blows against me. The big piece for me is selling this %^$#% house - once I can get out of here, away from the responsibility and ghosts, I believe the rest will fall into place as it should. I'm just not sure how much longer I can hang on and yet I have no control over someone making an offer on the place. I want to make the work I ma doing in therapy my priority but I just don't feel free enough right now, coming home to this place after a sesion. I need someplace neutral and safe. What do I do if this takes months??

[Bearsmama]

shanti-One day at a time, I guess Shanti, I've read your posts and I just want to send you lots of love and support.

[mom to 3 boys]

(((((BIG HUGS))))))) It WILL pass and things WILL get better. Hang in there.

[Shantimama]

I had forgotten about this thread. Less than three months later and some of it has settled. We sold our house (just closed last week) and bought and moved to our new town about a month ago. Things in that department are better - such a relief to be out of there and I LOVE our new home - beautiful, cosy, manageable.

My mom is still - well, herself so I never know what to expect and finances are still tight but we know where we stand now, thank goodness.

My therapist and I agreed just after I started this thread to ease up on processing old stuff and to just meet to talk through the transitions until I had moved and our house has sold. As soon as all of that came together the intense dreams started again and even though we are still in "low key" mode I think I need to deal with this old stuff. It has too much power over me, it's like I was able to keep it contained until I tipped over stresss wise and that blew the lid off. I know that there is no point trting to get the lid back on, I just need to work through it and it will clear.......at least that's the theory, isn't it?

It takes one kind of courage and strength to survive trauma, and I think it requires another kind to effectively process and integrate it. I hope I have that kind.

[velcromom]

just came upon your post today, good to know things are better with the house situation.

Don't worry (easy,right?lol) if you have the kind of courage it takes to process. It develops with you along the way, along the ups and downs. You don't see it or notice it or give yourself the kind of credit you deserve til later of course, lol, but as a woman who has survived trauma myself, I can tell you it will be there. It sounds like you have a very receptive therapist who is sensitive to your needs. I hope things continue to progress for you.