Posted an almost identical post in TAO as a vent, but I'm thinking maybe I need advice after all. Short question--I have a toddler (20 months), I just spent 3 days w/ my sister & BIL, who don't have children and have a nice house, and it didn't go so well. We don't have a lot of rules in our house--I don't want my relationship w/ dd to be constantly adversarial, so we just remove most temptations from her so that we don't have to keep saying no. But this makes for a very difficult transition when we spend time (more than a few hours) w/ people who have lots of nice stuff & no children--and don't toddler-proof b/f we come--I feel like I spend the whole time saying No, w/ the result that we all get really frustrated. How do you manage the transition?
The long story:
Before dd arrived sis (who I'll just call A) & I talked weekly, often more. We were pretty close--she even dropped everything when dd was born (and I'd had a c/s), cashed in freq flier miles, and came to our house for 5 days & cooked for us. She lives in DC, we're in Wisc. Things were mostly okay until a visit there in May (the first time I'd been to her place since baby arrived) which didn't go particularly well--we got there Fri. and I had to go to a conference on Sat, so dh stayed w/ dd during the days at a strange house in a strange neighborhood, dd was 14 months & very clingy, and A & her dh had just moved & had a house full of boxes & bins--in general it was bad timing on a number of fronts. Also, we were supposed to spend part of the week w/ dh's aunt, but then she had a number of crises & at the last minute couldn't take us after all, so we ended up spending 9 days w/ my sister, which is too long to spend at anyone's house (except maybe my parents'). Then post-visit A & I had a conversation about BF, which you can look at in more detail here...http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=157764
Things were recovering fairly well by fall, although it's still not the same, and then came T-day. My parents were going to be at A's house, along w/ my brother, SIL, niece & nephew, but dh & I were planning to stay home. And then came the election, then I didn't get a really good job I wanted, and I was feeling down & wanted to see my family, esp. since I haven't seen my brother since August 03 & wanted them to see dd before she starts school. So I asked sis if she'd have room for us, too, and she figured out that she did. So dd & I flew in on Tues, out on Fri., and slept on a pull-out couch.
And now I'm thinking that if there's reason for us to go back there anytime soon, we'll stay w/ some college friends who live nearby & have a new ds of their own, and rent a car. My BIL has a grown daughter, and in many ways is great w/ kids (in small doses), but doesn't want any more. They have a very nice house, w/ some nice rugs, good furniture, antiques, etc. And going there I feel like it's always "Spotlight on Erika!" Don't put a glass down w/o a coaster. Don't eat breakfast in the l.r., even if it means that that's how I can keep an eye on dd when she's in there watching Sesame Street in the morning. Keep dd away from the TV remotes, pottery, vcrs, mixing bowls that are on open shelves in the kitchen, etc. BIL has a real temper, which he manages to keep in check fairly well, but I do feel like he bites his tongue a lot--and lets you know when he's biting it, which kind of misses the point of being tactful, KWIM?
I talked to dh when we got back, and his theory (which I don't disagree w/ at all) is that we're both youngest children (she's 7 yrs older than me), so already feel somewhat under scrutiny from our older sibs--and to the older sib, we'll always be the baby. On top of that, we make about $50k/yr, she & her dh make about $200K I think (and have lots of antiques they inherited from his mother). And of course they don't have children, so are able to have a nice neat house, and they like it that way.
And I really do try to be respectful of that. But I feel like they don't try to toddler-proof at all, and that visiting them is totally on their terms. It's SO hard to keep an eye on a toddler, get her bkfst, get myself bkfst, and not have *something* go wrong.
They got really annoyed w/ me b/c I borrowed her car Wed & then we had a hard time finding the keys b/f I left. Turns out (I finally was able to reconstruct the episode) that when we got home on Wed, dd started having a temper tantrum & stalked off to the driveway & was walking around in circles saying No No No NO, and threatening to walk down the driveway (in the pouring rain) to the street. So I of course was dealing w/ her, and ended up putting the keys down on top of the car--which is where I always put them on my car--and heading off to deal w/ her. My mom had gotten all the bags from the car, so I ended up not going back, and since they leave their cars in a locked garage I didn't need to lock the car or use the keys to get into the house, so I totally forgot about them.
Yes, I'm generally more careless in many ways than she is, and I'm not a great housekeeper, but it's really hard to keep multiple things going in your head at once!
Blah, sorry so long-winded, and thanks if you've stuck w/ it to the end...
The long story:
Before dd arrived sis (who I'll just call A) & I talked weekly, often more. We were pretty close--she even dropped everything when dd was born (and I'd had a c/s), cashed in freq flier miles, and came to our house for 5 days & cooked for us. She lives in DC, we're in Wisc. Things were mostly okay until a visit there in May (the first time I'd been to her place since baby arrived) which didn't go particularly well--we got there Fri. and I had to go to a conference on Sat, so dh stayed w/ dd during the days at a strange house in a strange neighborhood, dd was 14 months & very clingy, and A & her dh had just moved & had a house full of boxes & bins--in general it was bad timing on a number of fronts. Also, we were supposed to spend part of the week w/ dh's aunt, but then she had a number of crises & at the last minute couldn't take us after all, so we ended up spending 9 days w/ my sister, which is too long to spend at anyone's house (except maybe my parents'). Then post-visit A & I had a conversation about BF, which you can look at in more detail here...http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=157764
Things were recovering fairly well by fall, although it's still not the same, and then came T-day. My parents were going to be at A's house, along w/ my brother, SIL, niece & nephew, but dh & I were planning to stay home. And then came the election, then I didn't get a really good job I wanted, and I was feeling down & wanted to see my family, esp. since I haven't seen my brother since August 03 & wanted them to see dd before she starts school. So I asked sis if she'd have room for us, too, and she figured out that she did. So dd & I flew in on Tues, out on Fri., and slept on a pull-out couch.
And now I'm thinking that if there's reason for us to go back there anytime soon, we'll stay w/ some college friends who live nearby & have a new ds of their own, and rent a car. My BIL has a grown daughter, and in many ways is great w/ kids (in small doses), but doesn't want any more. They have a very nice house, w/ some nice rugs, good furniture, antiques, etc. And going there I feel like it's always "Spotlight on Erika!" Don't put a glass down w/o a coaster. Don't eat breakfast in the l.r., even if it means that that's how I can keep an eye on dd when she's in there watching Sesame Street in the morning. Keep dd away from the TV remotes, pottery, vcrs, mixing bowls that are on open shelves in the kitchen, etc. BIL has a real temper, which he manages to keep in check fairly well, but I do feel like he bites his tongue a lot--and lets you know when he's biting it, which kind of misses the point of being tactful, KWIM?
I talked to dh when we got back, and his theory (which I don't disagree w/ at all) is that we're both youngest children (she's 7 yrs older than me), so already feel somewhat under scrutiny from our older sibs--and to the older sib, we'll always be the baby. On top of that, we make about $50k/yr, she & her dh make about $200K I think (and have lots of antiques they inherited from his mother). And of course they don't have children, so are able to have a nice neat house, and they like it that way.
And I really do try to be respectful of that. But I feel like they don't try to toddler-proof at all, and that visiting them is totally on their terms. It's SO hard to keep an eye on a toddler, get her bkfst, get myself bkfst, and not have *something* go wrong.
They got really annoyed w/ me b/c I borrowed her car Wed & then we had a hard time finding the keys b/f I left. Turns out (I finally was able to reconstruct the episode) that when we got home on Wed, dd started having a temper tantrum & stalked off to the driveway & was walking around in circles saying No No No NO, and threatening to walk down the driveway (in the pouring rain) to the street. So I of course was dealing w/ her, and ended up putting the keys down on top of the car--which is where I always put them on my car--and heading off to deal w/ her. My mom had gotten all the bags from the car, so I ended up not going back, and since they leave their cars in a locked garage I didn't need to lock the car or use the keys to get into the house, so I totally forgot about them.
Yes, I'm generally more careless in many ways than she is, and I'm not a great housekeeper, but it's really hard to keep multiple things going in your head at once!
Blah, sorry so long-winded, and thanks if you've stuck w/ it to the end...
I agree with pp that perhaps staying at a hotel would be a better option. Although, there isn't much to keep a little one entertained there either. 
