SAHM/ financial responsibility

[FireWithin]

Prior to staying at home my DH and my combined income was 50/50. For an idea of how much we made - I was a public school teacher.

For the first year of staying home, I tutored very part time. The hours were short and the money was very good. I was able to bring home approx. 30% of my previous income at only 6 hrs a week. It was quite a financial adjustment to go from FT to this PT, but we figured it out. I adjusted and created a very fair, but strict budget that allowed for a nice amount of student loan pay off. I felt confident that we could do it, even empowered.

Since June I have not had a tutoring job. The school systems here have had a semi-freeze of tutoring and other jobs because of severe budget cuts.

Our income has now been reduced to 50% of what it once was.
We are struggling a lot, and are thankful that we have set aside money from taxes, and a brief summer tutoring job. The money is gone and for the past couple fo months I have had to really scramble, including asking for a small amount of money from my ILs.

THE POINT: I am feeling really responsible for our financial insecurity. If I continued to work, we wouldn't be struggling. DH and I both agree that staying home was the best for us for many reasons inclucing it being financially smart. (adequate daycare here costs a fortune). I also work really hard to stretch our money. I am proud of what I have done. I bargan hunt a lot and do lots fo other frugal mama stuff.

Even though intellectually I know that staying home was the best decision, I can't help but feel like I'm not contributing. I am touchy about people commenting that I am not working, and since reading The Price of Motherhood, and the Two Income Trap, I have felt equally justified by my decision but also angered that this is where we have come.

I was wondering if any other SAHM feel the same way.

[jraohc]

I'm a WOHM who is wrestling with such issues. I believe we have the money for me to become a SAHM, but I also feel like if I quit my paying job then we might have to cut back on some of the things that we both enjoy and I feel like it's all on my shoulders.

However, for 2 years, while we were engaged, I was earning and dh was a student. Then for 4 years I was earning 1.5-2 times more than dh. Then for 1 year we earned about the same. Only now is dh finally earning more than I do. So, in that regard, I sort of feel like I've earned the right to be a SAHM.

[simple gifts]

I certainly understand how you feel. I stayed home with our children, then got a job when everyone was in school or older. The money was not great, but it helped. Then we had a surprise baby, and I am back home. We often have money difficulties, and I am well aware that my income would make the difference.

I have come to a place where I feel that I am doing my job here at home. I tell my husband that having me home with our children is a "thing" we have purchased just as if I had worked and we had purchased a larger home or a boat or something else that took a large amount of money. We have chosen to have me home, and by making that decision have "spent" the income I would have made.

I also make a huge effort to save us money by being at home. I read so many books that talked about how much money a person would have to earn to make up the amount I save. I keep track just for my own self esteem. It's not just the lunches out or the extra take out food that the books always mention that I think I am saving. I count the organic garden, the knowledge I have gained about herbs and alternative methods that have saved us doctor co-pays and added to our health and enjoyment. I count the cloth diapers, the thrift store and yard sale finds, books gotten from interlibrary loan. You get the idea.

I still think about it, but I now put it on par with if I had chosen a different career that simply did not make much money. My sister is a social worker with a master's degree who is making just over $20,000. That's a lot of college loans for not a great return. Yet she is not feeling guilty over making a choice for her career that doesn't pay as well as if she had become a doctor. In the same way, I love my job, and I think it's very valuable, both to our family and to society. I don't think I should feel guilty that our culture has put such a low premium on the care and nurturing of children. That's their problem, and raising happy, healthy children is mine.

[Mamm2]

I can understand where you are coming from, but I don't agree. I feel like I am contributing. My ds is getting the best care in the world-his mommy!!

I can also understand that if things were financially difficult, I would also question myself.

May I give you some advice? I have read about teachers tutoring online and getting paid well. Have you looked into this option? I guess if my financial situation were tight, I would get a job working from home (via internet, etc.,) or nights/weekends someplace.

Again, you know your family situation best.

Good Luck momma and don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing the hardest most rewarding job in the world.

[sovereignqueen]

I am a wohm, but DH is a SAHD. Its hard to make ends meet. I have alot of student loans and am constantly putting them in forberance b/c I can't pay them. I really need a better paying job, but I'm in the non-profit sector. But I know it's best for dd to have one parent home w/ her (and daycare costs a fortune here too.)

[meowee]

I don't know if this will make you feel better-- but I heard of a study that showed families with a SAHM eventually end up having a higher household income/ net worth than those with two parents working. The theory was that the husband (this study looked at SAHM w/ husband money earner) was able to entirely focus on his career, whereas when both parents were working, neither could fully focus on their career.

Anecdotally this holds true in my experience. Even if we don't earn more money than many of our friends, our net worth and credit rating is much better than many of the people we know. Mainly because having me SAHM helps us to run an ultra-frugal, tight ship. It also allows us to homeschool, which saves a ton of money (I'm starting to realize). Even if a child is in a "free" public school, you can skimp on all kinds of things if a child is homeschooled. Take-out, gas money, new clothes, special lunch foods/ lunch money, project money, snacks, school fees etc. just disappear.

I think part of your "problem" is that you are viewing work in terms of its money earning power. Staying at home IS WORK. It's unpaid WORK, but still WORK. It's vital WORK!

As long as your DH is not giving you a hard time about your staying AH (which he shouldn't), you don't need to heap guilt on yourself. You are giving your family a priceless gift.

Just live frugally. We often live on what we call a spending freeze. We pretend we're not earning any money and just make due with what we have.

[meowee]

Originally Posted by mothersong

I don't think I should feel guilty that our culture has put such a low premium on the care and nurturing of children. That's their problem, and raising happy, healthy children is mine.

[FireWithin]

thanks! I agree with what has been said.

It is interesting. I KNOW that this is the most important job for myself, DH and DC. I know that I am contributing greatly financially by learning how to be more frugal. I know that when I sat down and worked the numbers, I wasn't making much working full time when subtracting all of the extra expenses. Yet, it is still hard to break this cultural mindset.

Meowee - great comment about how staying at home allows DP to advance in his career. I have pointed that out to myself and others when DS was ill; I took care of him instead of DH staying home. I was gone to all of the other appointments, etc. thanks for the info.


I haven't thought about tutoring online. I am going to look into it. It is a great idea.

[maya44]

Originally Posted by meowee

It also allows us to homeschool, which saves a ton of money (I'm starting to realize). Even if a child is in a "free" public school, you can skimp on all kinds of things if a child is homeschooled. Take-out, gas money, new clothes, special lunch foods/ lunch money, project money, snacks, school fees etc. just disappear.

OK, I get why "school fees" would disappear and even "new clothes" "lunch money" makes some sense. I really can't figure out though why homeschooling means you spend less on "gas" and "take-out" or snacks!

[meowee]

Originally Posted by maya43

OK, I get why "school fees" would disappear and even "new clothes" "lunch money" makes some sense. I really can't figure out though why homeschooling means you spend less on "gas" and "take-out" or snacks!

when 1 DC was briefly in school, I had to supply a daily snack (in addition to lunch).

I had to drive to school and back 2X a day.

No matter how I tried I found myself more frequently wiped out from the running around, less able to do timely grocery shopping, and would break down & get take out more often.

[Missy]

Hi!

You've got my life--right down to the career. We were both teachers, I had three years more experience. So, when I stopped working half our income disappeared. We are hsing and it cut down on a lot of extra expenses--but not on gas and snacks. We're always running around; one of the advantages of hsing is that we're not confined to the home! And we live an area rich in history and museums and parks. When dd was in school, I always had to pack a lunch and snack, too, but it was no more (and probably less) than she eats during a normal hsing day. I'm writing but the income is neither enough nor predictable. I'm hoping to try e-bay. We're in desperate need of a new vehicle for dh to drive to work (or a couple thousands to get the one we have working again) and I've decided that's my responsibility. His salary pays for the house, the food, the payment on the van...monthly basics. I need, somehow, to make enough to put away for the "emergencies". He knows I contribute in other ways, but it's hard to focus on those other things when you're working hard all day and somehow it's not quite enough to take care of your family.

Missy