I caught my son playing Doctor

[jennyc119]

Hi...I walked in on my son playing doctor with the neighbors son. My son is 4 1/2 and the neighbors boy is 5 1/2. When the boy and his sister left I talked to my son about privates and what is appropriate and inappropriate. I didn't want him to feel embarrassed but I wanted him to know that this isn't always appropriate. He indicated that this only happened twice and that it started with just hands on on the underwear and then moved into actually touching of the privates. I know that this type of "play" is normal and common among his age group. The only thing that is concerning is my son told me that the 8 year old sister has touch his privates but only on top of the underwear and she told him to keep it a secret. (He didn't touch her). This bothers me.

After talking to my son alone...my husband thinks that this was all done with innocence and not malice and we should treat it this way until we are given reason to believe otherwise. He said that we should address this situation with the kids telling them this type of play is not allowed in our house and that we don't want to see or hear about it again. And that if they are curious about their bodies they should talk to an adult.

I don't know if I should inform the parents or just treat it like my husband says. My son isn't showing any behaviors that I would be concerned about. Am I making this out to be something other then childrens curiosity?

Any feedback or advice would be appreciated~

j

[Greaseball]

I would definitely say something about the 8-year-old girl. She may be being abused.

[EnviroBecca]

I would not tell him that "this type of play is not allowed in our house and that we don't want to see or hear about it again" because that discourages him from telling you if it does happen. He may have the best intentions of not doing what is not allowed but feel that he can't control the other kids, or this type of play might happen somewhere other than your house. Instead, I'd try to encourage openness by asking about why he did it (only because the other kids suggested it, or because HE has some questions about whether other boys are the same as him, or whatever?) and telling him that this type of activity is better to save for after he grows up.

I think 8 is not too old for this type of activity to be just innocent exploration. Unless the girl persists after your son tells her he doesn't want to, I wouldn't worry about it.

Whether or not you talk to the parents depends on what kind of relationship you have with them. If you are fairly close and would not have a lot of trouble bringing this up, it may make you feel better to tell them and see how they feel about it. But if you're not so comfortable talking to them, wait and see if it's a recurrent thing that really needs to be addressed. This sort of play is very common and usually not a sign of trouble.

[Arduinna]

ITA with everything envirobecca said. In fact I wrote pretty much the same thing and deleted it earlier.

I'd NEVER tell my child I don't want to hear about something, open communication is key. In fact, I'd suspect that the girl requesting it be kept a secret has parents that don't want to "hear about it" too.

I told my dd that curiousity about bodies is normal, and she shouldn't do anything she doesn't want to.

[Greaseball]

I don't think the problem is the girl's age, I think it's that she said to keep it a secret. They both should know that some things shouldn't be a secret. And your son should know that if someone tells him to keep something a secret, it probably should be told.

[girlndocs]

Side note: I try very, very hard never to say "secret" to my kids. Surprises are OK, secrets are not. Surprises eventually get revealed & make somebody happy, secrets are meant to be kept for always. The idea is to have a request for him to keep a "secret" raise a red flag for him, kwim?

[jennyc119]

Thanks for the advice.

My husband and I talked to our son about being curious about his body and that's OK to be curious. We also told him that if someone does something that makes him feel bad or uncomfortable he should talkto mom and dad about it. I'm trying not to make him feel ashamed or anything like that.

My husband thinks that it was all in innocence. I just was so shocked that I didn't know what to do especially when he told me about the 8 year old.

[jennyc119]

Update on son...

I talked to an old boss who is a Psychologist and he told me that it seems like everything was in normal range even for the 8 year old involvement. He said that it sounds as if, even though she is 8, her maturity level may be much lower. He asked me a ton of questions and behavioral characteristics regarding my child as well as the other children that would red flag for abuse and they didn't fit any of them. He also gave me some good clues to look for in the children that could signal abuse. He told me that if he thought any kind of abuse was happening he would have to report it himself, so he is pretty confident that everything is and will be OK.

Fortunately, the the children spent most of their time in my home playing so I can keep a close eye on things to look for.

He told me to talk to the kids honestly about what happened. Keep the lines of communication open and listen to what the have to say about it. Build a trusting relationship with the neighbor's children.

From his experience in dealing with issues like this he truly believes that everything that happened was done innocently and out of curiosity. The kids were most likely very embarrassed by what happened rather then being permanently affected by it.

[PikkuMyy]

When I was 7 1/2 and my best friend was 6 1/2, we were taking a bath together when I was over at her house. She had a pair of goggles in the tub and we decided to "explore" each other (with eyes, not touching.) She got to look at my private parts and bottom and just as I was about to have my turn, her mom walked in on us and stopped it.

I can't tell you how disappointed I was! I wanted to see what I looked like down there, and I could look at her's to tell what mine looked like. I was very embarassed that her mom walked in on us. But it was a bit different from actually touching private parts.

Just my two cents.