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Cesarean Birth Support Thread -- December 2004 - Page 2

post #21 of 98
Thread Starter 
Kate,

Wow, what a birthstory. Thanks for sharing it with us.

Kim
post #22 of 98
Just popping in to say hello..

I think AF has returned.. Though it is hard to tell.. since I hadn't really stopped pp discharge yet.. No fair!!

Hope everyone is well

Chantal
post #23 of 98


Hi ladies! After discovering this wonderful thread and lurking for a few days, I figured it was about time to introduce myself. My daughter was born by a completely unexpected c/b on November 19th. Having a Cesarean never even seemed like a possibility to me while I was pregnant - it was the section I skipped in all of the books I read.

After a very long, exhausting labor, full dilation and a couple of hours of pushing, the mw discovered that I had gone back down to 8 cm and the babe was sideways. They tried to get her to turn with pitocin, but when nothing changed after a couple more hours, I ended up in the OR. Between not having slept and laboring for two days and the trauma/shock of the surgery, I don't have any memories of the time after I got back into the room. I don't remember holding or nursing my daughter for the first times. My sister tells me that she was trying to have me hold her, but I was shaking too violently to be able to.

I feel like I was totally unprepared and have had a very difficult first couple of weeks. I didn't feel very bonded and nursing has gotten off to a rough start. Thankfully, things seem to be easing up now. I don't burst into tears every time I think of the birth (or whenever she wants to eat!), so that's some real progress!

It is so wonderful and reassuring to be able to read about the experiences of others and I thank you all for being so generous and sharing your stories.
post #24 of 98
Every day is different. Some days I am ok...well as ok as I can be with my c/s#2 (was a planned VBAC). I get upset when I go to my old VBAC board and everyone there is getting their VBACs. I wanted it so bad its still a little hard to believe it didnt happen. I am trying to deal with the fact that I dont really want more kids. I only want another to try again for a VBAC which is just crazy....I guess. We'll see. I have a few years left to decide for sure. Its annoying though because DH asks me all the time when I want him to go for a vasectomy. I am not ready for that because that means I will never ever VBAC for sure.
post #25 of 98
What do you think of your scar?


I dont want my scar(s) to fade. I dont want to apply creams to have them disappear. I want them to stay as long and red as they were the first day. I dont even know why. Isnt that strange?
Edited to add that even though I feel that way, I do avoid actually looking at it. Some psychological issues there huh? lol
post #26 of 98
Thread Starter 

What my scar represents...

Quote:
Originally Posted by MommytoTwo
What do you think of your scar?


I dont want my scar(s) to fade. I dont want to apply creams to have them disappear. I want them to stay as long and red as they were the first day. I dont even know why. Isnt that strange?
Edited to add that even though I feel that way, I do avoid actually looking at it. Some psychological issues there huh? lol
My scar represents a lot to me. Growth for one. I will wear it on my body proudly and dont have any plans for it to disappear. I think I have always been honest with everyone about how I feel about my csections: one a nightmare and one was a joyful, wonderful experience.
For me my scar represents what a judgemental b*tch I was. Young and naive, and of the belief that it wouldn't happen to me. I have to say I am sad when I read here and elsewhere that women do not educate theirselves about csections and the reasons behind them.(or of the belief that they are pretty much all unnecessary) Everything I ever read was the horror of them all and how they were not needed in normal healthy women. I was going to have an all natural vaginal childbirth at the hospital and then after that I would birth babies at home. I wouldn't be like those other drug induced women, those uninformed women, I wasnt going to be one of those women who had their baby cut from them. Nope not me. And then I became that woman.
My scar represents humility. Three days post partum from my first csection I couldn't walk, someone had to wipe crap off my butt, I was bruised and emotionally I was broken. I felt grateful for pain meds. I felt blessed by a lactation consultant that taught me how to breastfeed. I am humbled by the kindness of a student nurse who massage my legs so I would not get clots. I realized weeks later, that woman I had become was a woman who did not get the birth she wanted because of fate. No one knew until I was open on that table that I would never have babies vaginally. When another "sister" told me her story, I didn't judge her. I didn't think about all the things she did wrong or her doctor did wrong or how someone along the way misquided her.
My scar represents rage and disappointment. I was tormented and tortured for 75 minutes. I was drugged. I had drug induced amnesia. I don't remember the day of my daughters birth. I was robbed. My birth was stolen from me way before my mother gave birth to me.
My scar represents my fears. The fear of ever having any babies. The fear of infertility. The fear of rupture. The fear of placenta problems and pre-term labor. The fear that I will die. The fear of pain. The fear of losing a child.
My scar represents peace. It took me five years to work through the fear and anger. Five years of remember and recall and change. Five years to trust another doctor to deliver a baby. Five years to believe and have faith that I would have a joyful outcome. March 1, 2002 I found peace through a hole in my belly at 12:54pm. I laughed and cried and I was no longer in pain.
My scar represents courage. Courage to move on when I didn't want. Courage to have more biological children. Courge to believe that a higher power would take care of me and bless me. Courage that I could have a healthy pregnancy with a healthy full term baby.
My scar represents joy. I have two beautiful children that came out of my belly. They are happy and healthy. I also feel joy being secure in my decisions and choices when it comes to having repeat csections. I feel joy that I have this option.
This 7.5 inch crooked scar, now faded, and hidden by a shelf of fat says a lot about me and my growth as a person. Hopefully, come July, this scar will open up once more and a beautiful new life will come out. I'm sure there is a lot more for me to learn and be aware of.
post #27 of 98
What does my scar mean and how do I feel about it?

In all honesty...it means nothing and I feel nothing. I do not think about the way my boys were born unless I'm talking about it with someone. I no longer cry over never having my vaginal birth. I no longer think of the pain and heartache there was the day after I had Tracy. I no longer have the pains that rip through me like a knife when I think about my mistakes and lack of patience.

My c/b is something that meerly is. I'm not bitter or upset. I'm resigned to the fact that my boys ewren't born in some wonderful home water birth. My boys weren't born into the loving arms of their father. My boys weren't brought to my breast moments after birth. I wasn't allowed that wonderful feeling of awe over my vbac.

I am a mother by ceserean.


Ask me about my stretch marks....now those have meaning
post #28 of 98
I'm so glad I found this thread! My littlest one was born by emergency c/s 11/21/04 because of placenta abruptio. I am in the beginning of processing all the emotions, and being able to read others' experiences feels like it's helping. I wrote a fairly short version of my birth story a couple nights ago, but lost it before it posted : I plan to try again over the next few days.

How I feel about my scar...

I hadn't really thought about it until I read the question. I only saw it as this annoying thing that was keeping me from doing things that I normally wouldn't think twice about. But it's a lot more than that. Even though my birth experience wasn't the way I wanted it, that scar represents what saved my little girl's life (and mine too). If c/s had not been an option, neither of us would be here now. I know that c/s's are over-utilized, and in many cases unnecessary, but they can truly be lifesavers.

In thinking about it over the last few days, I've realized that the things that have saddened me the most were not from the c/s itself, but more from having it done under general anesthesia. I think it helps that in my case, I know without a doubt that there was no way around having a c/s, so I'm pretty much ok with it (so far, anyway). What bothers me the most is that I missed it. I didn't get to see her enter the world, and neither did DH. And I didn't get to see his face when he saw his first (and probably last) child for the first time. I know that is a moment I would have cherished forever, if only I could have been there.
post #29 of 98
My scar...

I joined Cbirth a while ago (a mailing list for uc'ers) and had been lurking for a while. When I posted my introduction, I talked a bit about my son's (horrific vaginal) delivery, and my daughter's birth. After a few question and answer sessions, the responses I got were mostly "I hate hospitals, but it sounds like you really needed to be in one" or along those lines. In other words, even the crunchiest of birthers could accept that my particular situation (and my daughter's) necessitated a c-section.

So my scar is a tribute to the fact that sometimes even the best laid plans can go awry, and that it's not always a bad thing when they do. My daughter is beautiful, and my c-section was a healing experience for me (and everyone knows those get double points! :LOL). I'm glad that I've been there.
post #30 of 98
KIm~ What a beautiful description.


I honestly don't know how I feel about my scar - I know every day is different - I still don't have feeling around it. I guess I love it because it is what made my daughter live & potentially kept her from being sicker than she was. I hate it because where I once loved my husband to rub his hands on my belly I can't stand it now - It still represents a lot more of pain than good still - I hope one day it changes.
post #31 of 98
Kim....that was awesome! thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts.
post #32 of 98
Kim ... that was beautiful. I hope to be that at peace with my scar someday ...
post #33 of 98
Aha! Here is the thread I was looking for.



I had my cs a year ago. Sunday night my scar was hurting, kind of like a sore burining sensation or something. It was just sore. Is there anything I can put on it to ease the pain, or do i just have to wait it out. It is fine now, so it must have been something in the weather, but if it happens again I would like to get some relief.

Anyone had this happen?
post #34 of 98
Yeah I get that...I think you just have to wait it out.

Kim thank you for that. I loved the line about finding peace there. Beautiful.
post #35 of 98
how i feel about my scar? sad, wistful and a bit angry that i couldn't birth my daughter through my vagina, knowing we both missed out on that really beautiful experience (before the birth i fantasized about the moment where we'd be attached by the cord while she was lain on my tummy, it hurts so badly to not know what that feels like). i also feel amazed that she came out that way, because looking back i know i did everything i could and that we truly did need help, i feel grateful she's alive.

i still want to get that tattoo of a spiral over/near the scar, because i feel like it's my "other birth canal," my daughter came into this world this way for a reason and therefore it's sacred to me. i love those goddess statues that have spirals on their tummies it also helped that my husband has kissed my scar, he said it's sad but beautiful.
post #36 of 98
Thread Starter 
Wanted to BUMP this.

My next appointment is tomorrow. Send positive vibes. I am a bit nervous!
post #37 of 98
I agree with you Kim. I was extremely judgemental before I had my c/b as well. The same with bf'ing...why on earth wouldn't it work? I mean, that's what my body is meant to do, right? Except that it took 9 days for my milk to come in, and by then poor ds was lethargic and not responding to any cues to wake up. The scariest night of my life on that 9th day, and I finally gave him a bottle of formula for the first time against my 'principles'. He sucked down 6 oz. like he was starving, and then I was able to bf him and we're still going strong.

Just wondering how many of us had bigtime issues with milk supply/milk slow in coming in?

My scar-well luckily I can't see it :LOL since I am...er....too fluffy. But every once in a while I feel it, and honestly I smile. I learned a great lesson with that scar. Judge not, lest you be judged. I've heard that all my life and never really thought it applied to me. "I" wasn't judgemental! Yeah right.

I am so, so grateful for this thread and for OTF for starting it way back when in the first place. I'm not sure if I will try to VBAC. Ds was transverse almost the entire pregnancy, but we didn't start Webster technique/other methods of turning quickly enough. I never went into labor, I never dialated or got soft, I waited until 43 wks even though I was puking every day, and would have waited longer except that ds' heart rate was dropping incrementally every couple of days that last week, so I don't trust my body, unfortunately.
post #38 of 98
What a beautiful message, Kim. I just found this thread and wish that I had done so sooner.

I had a Cesarean birth just over a year ago. I had planned for and hoped for a homebirth, but had to transfer when my midwife found meconium in the amniotic fluid. I have mixed emotions about what I went through. Labour was a bizarre experience for me. I'd read books like Spiritual Midwifery but still was totally unprepared for the wacky perception of time, and how not-myself and trippy I felt during natural labour. At the hospital I experienced the cascade of interventions that I'd wanted so much to avoid. But for the most part my c-sec experience was positive. Within 20 minutes of receiving an epidural I felt like myself again. And as I was being taken to the OR I was smiling because it was the first time I truly knew my son would be here soon. I smiled throughout the birth. But afterwards I wasn't able to breastfeed, or even to hold my son, for 10 hours! I was very upset about that later, but at the time I just needed to sleep and trusted the nurses when they told me that they'd tell me if Aidan was hungry.

A year later, I simply don't want to go through all that again. Not for a very long time. I know everything worked out and I ended up with a beautiful baby boy, and healed physically amazingly quickly. But I don't think about it too much; I just want to move on with my life. Yet, I know that if/when I have another baby I'll need to more fully work through all my feelings. I don't know what I need to do to find emotional healing.
post #39 of 98
Thread Starter 
I was fortunate enough not to have any nursing problems. I have talked to more than enough moms though, and women I knew and committed to nursing, to know now that it doesnt always work. My neighbor with her first child had a very similar experience with her first born. (vaginal delivery) Her daughter was hard to wake and they took her to the pediatrician immediately. They gave her a bottle of formula from a sample kit in the doctors office and she perked right up. The baby gulped it down. My friend was not ever successful breastfeeding the first child. After about a month she just gave up. Her second child, she exclusively pumped for due to severe cleft palate and had no problems. She exclusively breastfed her third child without any problems until she weaned at around 15m old. A good friend of mine breastfed and pumped but still had to supplement. She just never had a good supply. And she was doing everything right. Had a great SIL that was an LC and I went to her house more than once to help her. What made me sad was that I knew how hard she tried, and she felt so pressured to succeed. I remember when she told me she gave her baby formula for the first time, how sad she sounded. She had an emergency csection (she was under GA) for footling breech and cord prolapse. I am sure some would blame this for her problems.

The longer I am a mom, the less judgemental I think I am becoming!
post #40 of 98
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamlette
What a beautiful message, Kim. I just found this thread and wish that I had done so sooner.

I had a Cesarean birth just over a year ago. I had planned for and hoped for a homebirth, but had to transfer when my midwife found meconium in the amniotic fluid. I have mixed emotions about what I went through. Labour was a bizarre experience for me. I'd read books like Spiritual Midwifery but still was totally unprepared for the wacky perception of time, and how not-myself and trippy I felt during natural labour. At the hospital I experienced the cascade of interventions that I'd wanted so much to avoid. But for the most part my c-sec experience was positive. Within 20 minutes of receiving an epidural I felt like myself again. And as I was being taken to the OR I was smiling because it was the first time I truly knew my son would be here soon. I smiled throughout the birth. But afterwards I wasn't able to breastfeed, or even to hold my son, for 10 hours! I was very upset about that later, but at the time I just needed to sleep and trusted the nurses when they told me that they'd tell me if Aidan was hungry.

A year later, I simply don't want to go through all that again. Not for a very long time. I know everything worked out and I ended up with a beautiful baby boy, and healed physically amazingly quickly. But I don't think about it too much; I just want to move on with my life. Yet, I know that if/when I have another baby I'll need to more fully work through all my feelings. I don't know what I need to do to find emotional healing.
For me healing was a long process. I didn't feel whole again until my son was being lifted out of my belly wailing. I want to post on that painless childbirth thread in this forum, because I think my last csection was pretty painless. It was a good experience. Depending on what you do next time, VBAC or repeat csection, I think preparing, birth affirmations and a realistic vision is a good way to go. I recently have been reading some stuff on another site where mother's who have VBACed feel like they failed because they got epidurals or pain relief! I feel sad for these women. They were able to VBAC, they had mostly wonderful births, but because they didnt do it all natural they feel like failures. I know that if VBAC was an option for me, I probably wouldnt go all natural -- I would opp for pain relief, just because my previous experiences. I don't think I need to feel pain to feel like I accomplished something, and I know that once I have a certain level of pain I am no longer myself. (I have gallbladder issues, so I've had some PAIN, high level of pain)
I am really sorry you were seperated from your baby. Its really bag when you want something badly (like nursing and seeing your baby) but also needing rest. The last night I was in the hospital with Jack I called the baby nurse (a wonderful wonderful older woman) to come get him. I needed just a few hours of sleep, without worry. Even though my husband was staying with me, I just wanted that rest. When they brought him to me about four hours later I felt guilt. Even though I needed the sleep and rest. I do think Mom's should have their babies whenever they want, be able to room in, see their babies after birth (no matter what kind) Yet at the same time, I don't think mothers should feel bad about letting their babies go to the nursery or calling the baby nurse if they need to rest (recover).
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