what makes the loss of breastfeeding so painful for me is the irony: my milk supply was really good and Willow was nursing really well at the time we had to wean (3.5 weeks).
we were over the hardest parts. i still don't understand why i can't sleep without this one drug (klonopin) but it's been that way for 11 years now. it doesn't even make me sleepy, in fact when i wake up i feel wide awake. that's why they prescribed it originally, because i have CFIDS and fibromyalgia and it's commonly used for the sleep problems that go with those illnesses, it promotes restful sleep. but i honestly, honestly thought i could go off of it. i was down to 1 hour or no sleep at all. i was so messed up, i barely remember my baby's first 3 weeks and couldn't care for her
i wonder if it was the trauma of having surgery that kept me from sleeping even a little? all i know is, i took the med, i slept just fine, i was able to take care of Willow just fine. but she was becoming sedated in the mornings and then agitated later in the day, signs she was getting enough of a dose to hurt her. so it was an easy decision to wean immediately: there's no way i want her to suffer even a minute!! but every day i still keep thinking, "maybe i can stop the med again and breastfeed" and my husband and a friend remind me how bad it was.
i was counting on breastfeeding to heal the emotional wounds of the c-birth. that beautiful peaceful time of bonding, for both of us. the whole experience of having a baby now feels artificial to me ... first there was numbing anesthesia and a sterile curtain between me and my baby, and now there are plastic bottles and silicone nipples between me and my baby. and it's all proof my body doesn't know how to do anything right! i can't even sleep normally. i don't trust my body at all.
i just keep hugging and kissing Willow all day long and even in the middle of the night when she's sound asleep. she hardly ever looks at me, although she'll gaze at her daddy's face very intently. i know she's not doing it on purpose, she's just a baby! but it's just one more barrier between her and i, and it hurts. i keep wondering what am i doing wrong that my own daughter won't look at me?! but when she does look at me for a few moments, i make silly noises and she smiles. and that beautiful smile makes everything worth it
i am so in love with her!
i'm still having a lot of internal "tearing" pain, just below and to the right of my bellybutton. my OB said "it's normal" well they say that about everything! i'm 8 weeks PP and i still can't lift things heavier than the baby, or rest the baby on my belly. am i healing too slowly?