I think we've made a mistake (re:Santa)

[Heavenly]

We decided when our son was born that we were not going to teach about Santa or that Santa is real. This was fine for the first few Christmases. We are Christians and we focus on Jesus birth and we thought Santa would detract from that. Plus I've heard arguments that if you teach Santa is real and then they find out its not they will have doubts that God is real (you know the whole he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake thing). So we didn't do Santa. But now he's almost 4 and she is 2 and they are both upset. Olivia is only 2 and won't believe us that he's not real. And Elijah is really upset. He isn't excited about Christmas because he is upset that everyone else believes in Santa and he doesn't. He said to my MIL "Well he's a nice guy (referring to Santa), he'll bring me a present anyways right?" I think we've made a mistake in not allowing them to believe in Santa. Its too late now, every time he hears the name Santa he gets upset and says "He's not real!" I feel like we overanalyzed things too much and didn't allow them to play pretend while they were little. Is there anything I can do to make my son feel better? I can't go back and say there is a Santa because then Mommy and Daddy are liars (when we said there wasn't a Santa). Help!

[Simply Nurtured]

We had the opposite regret. Doing the Santa thing, just because our parents had done it. We were so open about everything else. We felt terrible, like we were lying. From about age 4 to 7, our oldest would snoop around, especially if he somehow saw toysrus bags. Each Christmas he would almost challenge us. It was stressful. Finally, the Christmas he was 7, we couldn't do it anymore. He was challenging us, and DH and I took him in the bedroom, held him close and explained the story and how it came to be that parents do this. We cried, he cried, then after it was all over, things were so much better...

Problem was, we had a 3 year old at the time, so instead of just scrapping the whole thing, our first son helped make the "magic", and son 2 loved believing for a long time. Son 3 is more like our oldest, so you can see he really isn't sure, but plays along. He loves Christmas and loves Jesus, so we focus on that. We are not into the commercialism anyway. We create a lot of things - food, crafts, etc.

Maybe you could get a book on the story of St. Nicholas, and explain how he loved children and brought presents and when he died, parents wanted to keep his memory alive and that is why they do this silly thing...

Focus on your own beliefs and the spirit of it...

Hope this helps~

[fiddledebi]

We're Jewish, so I can't really identify, but what about explaining to your children that no, Santa isn't real, but that the nice thing about Christmas time is that so many people are so nice this time of year. Santa may not be real, but the holiday spirit is very real -- people get happy about this holiday, and like to pretend about Santa and use Santa as a reason to give each other nice gifts and spend time together. So, even though Santa isn't real, the stories about Santa make lots of people happy, and that's another part of the holiday for the world. Mommy and Daddy may buy the presents and not Santa, but that doesn't change how the idea of Santa makes the holiday fun for people.

I hope that helps a little -- good luck.

(Sort of related: My daughter obviously has little exposure to Santa stuff, but there's a huge inflatable one on top of the bank near our house. She thinks it's somehow related to my dad, who is the only person she knows with a mustache. She said "It's Zaydeh!" (yiddish for Grandpa). I said it wasn't HER Zaydeh, but it might be someone else's Zaydeh. )

[Qerratsmom]

Heavenly, Here is just a suggestion, but maybe you could get a book that tells the story of the myth of St. Nicholaus. Explain to your kids where the idea of santa claus came from and that maybe there once really was a guy who brought good spirits at Christmas time. Explain that while Santa is not "real" in a physical sense, there is still a spirtual entitiy to him and a real myth involved. You might be able to give a little spark of wonder and belief in some of the possibilities of magic that santa brings. I'm not sure how far you feel comfortable taking this in regard to your religious beliefs, but its a suggestion. Many times kids will let their own imaginations fill in the rest. You have only imformed them, not lied to them.

[Simply Nurtured]

fiddledebi,

I like your explaination.

[Simply Nurtured]

Qerratsmom,

Sounds like we all share similar ideas...

How's is going there in the U.P.?

I was born in Michigan, my cousin grew up in the U.P. and my DH went to school up there too. (only for a little while, too cold, brrr!)

[mattemma04]

My dd is 5 and my ds 2.5. I have always been honest with dd that *santa* is not real,but that some parents like to pretend that there is a real santa that brings their kids presents.She knows that eventually the kids find out it was just the parents buying the presents,and sometimes that makes the kids really sad to find out it was a lie. We just make a game of it like all the other pretend games we play,so it still makes x-mas fun but without the let down later on of finding out there is not a real santa. So far so good. Ofcourse it can be a bit sticky when encountering kids that belive in santa.

[Simply Nurtured]

Can I add one more thing?

Many years ago, I worked for Disney World. (I grew up in Central FL) Our kids always enjoyed those characters and everything, but we never told them they were "REAL". They have always known that there was a real person inside the costume. When I taught preschool, there was another teacher there whose kids were something like 11 and 8. I can't tell you the exact conversation, but I had heard that Mickey Mouse had been attacked by some over-excited visitors. I knew that the ones who "play" Mickey Mouse are usually young girls, weighing about a 100 pounds. So I was saying something about it, and this other teacher had her kids with her, and she told me to "shush" because her kids believed the characters were real. So I did not say any more about it, but I did not agree with lying about that.

[chalupamom]

I wrote this last year on another board. I went to find it because I thought it might be helpful here:

Our decision regarding Santa is influenced by our childhoods. Santa does visit our house.

For my husband, he very much wanted to have Santa because his parents couldn't be bothered with it or any other part of Christmas (or general childhood) "magic" - he's big on the toothfairy, the Easter Bunny, Memorial Day picnics with sack races, cherry pie on Washington's birthday, etc., as a result. He likes new outfits on Easter and Christmas, the exact same birthday cake every year, ritual, rite and tradition. He knows and expresses that this is because he feels that he really missed something and doesn't want to pass that particular legacy down to our kids.

For my part, Santa in my parents' house was largely presented as a metaphor for love, giving and goodwill. I knew that the Santas in the malls were not real, but I was encouraged to visit them anyway because my mom believed (and still does, actually) that one needs to put your wishes (material and otherwise) out into the universe and what better person to receive them than someone dressed as Santa - the said metaphor? I knew that Santa did not really visit our house, but we still put cookies out (and a token carrot, too) and to this day I'll receive gifts from my parents labeled as being from Santa, all of this honoring the idea of Santa, more than the concept in reality. My mom explained that most adults/parents have a bit of Santa in them (the desire to make children happy and see to their needs as best they can) and that, as long as you don't lose your belief in miracles you never need let go of him. She hasn't, and I guess I'm hoping that I don't either.

[maya44]

We too are Jewish, but with thing like the Tooth Fairy and Characters we did what my parents did. Explained that they were not real, but part of a story and that saying "The Toothfairy is coming" is like part of a story. The Toothfairy comes and writes notes and leaves presents and fairy dust, but my kids know that this is just part of the story.

You don't have to ingnore fun or rituals just because you want to be "upfront" with kids.

[L.J.]

I've found a bit of a compromise. My kids understand that the Santa's they see are people in costumes and know he isn't "real". I've told them that Santa is more like a spirit or idea, not a real man that comes down the chimney. They know it's kind of a magical idea. I've told them that people give gifts in the spirit of or the magic of Santa from the tradition of St. Nicholas. I guess just because he isn't "real" doesn't mean the whole idea and magic of Santa has to be thrown away. I like the magic-ness of it and also dislike the lying. I answer my kids questions about it honestly and still try to encourage them to find some magic & imagination in the whole thing. I like the idea that it's like acting out the story & bringing the story into life.

[Diane B]

Thanks for all of the wise posts, especially how to explain about some families teaching their children that Santa is real, but explaining that it's a story. I was so dismayed this morning to walk into our daughter's day care center and see that Santa was "visiting" next week! She's only 9 months old, but we were hoping to not do Santa (my partner is Jewish and we really don't want to emphasize Christmas gift-getting). Now I have some ideas!

[Noisette's_Maman]

Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus

All of these posts reminded me of this famous editorial...



from the Editorial Page, New York Sun, 1897

We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
-Virginia O'Hanlon

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus?Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

[monkaha]

For those of you whose kids know about santa not being real, but still enjoying the magic of it, how did you do that? Did you wait till they asked and then explain? Was santa real to them until age x? I never even considered what we were gonna tell DD about santa; so far we've just kinda gone along with the mass media guy in a red suit, comes down the chimney, etc.

[mocha09]

There are so many great thoughts and ideas on this thread, I can't believe it!

I've decided to "do" Santa with dd. I think that at the pre-school ages, their minds don't quite grasp the metaphor or subtle distinction between Santa as analogy and Santa as a real guy. I also think that the magic of believing in Santa is a good way to guide kids into conversations about the magic of giving, the magic of the metaphor, later on.

I thought a lot this Christmas (dd is almost 2) about whether or not I wanted to do Santa with her. I remembered as a child being devastated when I found out there was no Santa. But overshadowing that devasting memory were many, many memories of joy, excitement, anticipation, and wonder, back when I believed in magic in the ways only a child can.

[BusyMommy]

For my part, Santa in my parents' house was largely presented as a metaphor for love, giving and goodwill. I knew that the Santas in the malls were not real, but I was encouraged to visit them anyway because my mom believed (and still does, actually) that one needs to put your wishes (material and otherwise) out into the universe and what better person to receive them than someone dressed as Santa - the said metaphor? I knew that Santa did not really visit our house, but we still put cookies out (and a token carrot, too) and to this day I'll receive gifts from my parents labeled as being from Santa, all of this honoring the idea of Santa, more than the concept in reality. My mom explained that most adults/parents have a bit of Santa in them (the desire to make children happy and see to their needs as best they can) and that, as long as you don't lose your belief in miracles you never need let go of him. She hasn't, and I guess I'm hoping that I don't either.

ITA
I simply cannot take the Santa joy away from my kids. They are absolutely thrilled! And, it's a bit different for us as we live near the North Pole and the kids do wonder where his house actually is. And, we look at the reindeer and wonder which ones can fly.

[dharmamama]

Why, exactly, is your son upset that Santa is not real? Is it because he thinks he will get fewer toys than his friends? Because he's not getting a mysterious midnight visitor? Because he's feeling not part of the gang because they believe something he doesn't? Do you know exactly why he's upset?

If you can find out why, specifically, he's upset about this, then you might be able to address that concern. If he thinks he won't be getting as many presents, you can either reassure him that he will (if you do a big Christmas) or take this opportunity to help him understand that Christmas is about giving (and not just material stuff), not receiving. If he's unhappy about not receiving the midnight visitor, would it help him to pretend that he's going to and prepare for Santa anyway? Would it help to talk to him about how he's always got an unseen, all-knowing friend (Jesus) with him? (Forgive me if I flubbed that. I'm not Christian and don't really know how one would describe Jesus to a young child if one were.) If he's feeling left out of the group, this might be a time for you to talk to him about the fact that he will always be different from others for some reason or another, expecially if he has a strong faith in a world that generally doesn't, but that doesn't mean he's missing something or doesn't fit in.

It may be that you won't be able to make your son feel better about Christmas this year. But were I in your shoes, I would use this occasion to explain to my child that many people view Christmas as a time to get presents, but that your family views Christmas as (however you view Christmas) and that there are many things you can do to make the Christmas season fun (volunteering at a soup kitchen, picking out toys for underprivileged kids, visiting homebound elderly, making seasonal decorations for friends and family, cooking special treats and meals, enjoying a Christmas tree, if you have one, reading special once-a-year stories or watching once-a-year shows, listening to holiday music, etc.) that don't involve Santa. I wouldn't back down from your no-Santa stance. I wanted a no-Santa household but I negotiated with my husband for a one-gift-from-Santa-only rule, and I will never tell my children that Santa is real. I will always tell them that Santa is a story (if and when they ask), and I'll explain the historical background to them.

Namaste!

[meowee]

I don't mean this to sound judgemental, but I cannot imagine lying to my kids and telling them that an imaginary man was leaving him presents I in fact bought for them. And then to have to tell them I made it all up!

Santa Claus is based on the St. Nicholas of Myrna, a bishop from what is today Turkey, who is venerated in the Orthodox and Catholic Churches. You would do better to teach them about this saint than to lie and tell them a strange looking fat man sneaks into their house on Christmas Eve and watches their behavior during the rest of the year.

I think the poor saint would be horrified to see what his legend has spawned.

[KYCat]

Friends of mine, had been telling their 2 1/2 year old for a month that Santa would come at Christmas. Well Christmas morning he ran out of his bedroom past a huge stack of toys and started crying and repeating "where is he? where is he?" He had never understood that Santa was just going to bring toys and leave - he wanted a special visitor. The thing with kids is that you can't always tell what will bother them. Will they regret the lie or feel jipped that you didn't allow them the magic of believing in one elf who loves children all over the world? I think that I would offer that if the children would like you could "play" Santa at your house, and you could each pick a special something to make or give to each other in Santa's name. just a thought.

[dharmamama]

Santa Claus is based on many more things than just St. Nicholas. He's based on Scandinavian figures, pagan figures, and Celtic figures, too.

Just an FYI!

Namaste!