Does AP lead to dependence?

[Mizelenius]

I have posted before that my DD (almost 3) very rarely plays alone . . . for example, as soon as I leave the room (while she's involved) she calls for me. She is our firstborn and at this point, an only child (though I'm PG with #2). People I've talked to have shared that this is a first child thing.

Anyway, DH got me to thinking . . . if we've raised DD so that she's never alone, how can we possibly expect that she will ever WANT to or even be capable of being alone? Of course, it's very early to tell as DD is still so young, but maybe he has a point. (He wasn't complaining-- he's more accepting of it than I am!)

Is this an age thing? A personality thing? A birthorder thing? A result of a parenting style? All of the above?

[Thmom]

I think it's primarily a personality thing. Of my 5 kids the 9yr doesn't like to be alone unless he's got a good book. The 6yr has to be the center of attention. The 4yr is very versitile and can play well independtly or with other kids the 2yr wants to be alone and doesn't generally play in a group. The 6m is a people watcher lol. I've APed all of them, I'm not militant but we co-sleep and I wear them and we don't do any CIO that kind of thing.

[Leatherette]

My son is 4 and started playing on his own just recently. I think they need time for their imagination to develop and to have had enough play experiences with others to play on their own.

I also agree with the first child theory.

I don't think AP has anything to do with it.

L.

[PuppyFluffer]

I think it's an individual thing. If anything, I think babies who have had their needs attended to as those needs arose are far and away more confident people. They feel secure in the world because they have a foundation of having needs met thus not experiencing the fear of being ignored. And they know that they matter and are cared for. I believe all of these things help to shape a baby and young child into a secure person.

That is certainly the case with our dd. She is very good at playing independently. I can leave the room and tell her I am going to go do_________ and she says "ok" and will play happily by herself for an hour or more. (I do some work from home and can work while she plays) I think it really is a personality thing with them. I have seen other toddlers that have been raised AP and they are far more clingy and needy of interaction.

[Divina]

I definitely think it's personality, possibly modified by birth order. Most kids shouldn't be left alone until they're a certain age (varying by child), and first babies have no one else to play with at home!

My 4 kids all vary widely on how well they do on their own. My 2nd has always been the easiest with being alone--he could amuse himself on his own before he was a year old. But the ability also varies greatly with age and development. Both teens are fine alone now, but my oldest wasn't so good with it when she was little.

[maya44]

I am not the most AP person here, but I do not think that being attached to your child makes them dependant.

IMHO aome people do misconstrue AP principles and thus never let their child know that they have the power within themselves to get over frustrations or disapointment and these kids may not have the independance they need.

BUT AP in its real form does not do this.

[sunnmama]

I definitely see personality as a strong factor. Your dd is likely an extrovert, and may always prefer to be around other people. She may get energy from other people (that's what is draining your energy! :LOL), and get drained from time alone.

My dd told us very clearly when she was still 2, and we walked into her room while she was looking at books, that she needed some "alone time". She may have been modelling me, because I have a healthy dose of introversion and might have said this to her when daddy was available to play. But she was definitely serious about the need. She needs her alone time every day, or else gets really overstimulated and frantic.

[IncaMama]

i think it's an individual thing too...being securely attached can look different for different children. for some it's the desire to be near the person they're attached to, for some it means just checking in once in a while, and for some it means just the knowledge that they're around and will come back. i think that the best thing we can do for our children is to show them that we will be there for them in the way that THEY need us to be. for your daughter, that means to be near her right now. for my son, it's the same. she won't always want to by her side (the teenage years will certainly take care of that for you LOL) but it's important that when she DOES want you by her side that you respect that desire.

my brother was like that (First born), and i couldn't care less as a child if someone was around me. i played by myself perfectly happily. it's funny, though, now we're totally opposite. my brother prefers to be alone these days and i prefer surrounding myself with friends...but the important thing is that our parents understood our desires when we were younger and acted accordingly. it sounds like you're doing the same.

[cozymama]

no i don't think it makes them "dependent" in a bad way.......but honestly i think no one is really ever independent anyway, but really we're all varying levels of interdependent.....

ds is definitely AP-ed since birth, never slept in a crib, always held, no stroller, gd/tcs, etc. and he plays by himself by his own choice (meaning i'm in the room but he is engrossed in his play). he's almost 2- probably early compared to other kids but he's way more curious and active than others so who knows..........the important thing IMHO is that these things are allowed to occur when the child is ready, on their own schedule

sorry so choppy, NAKing

h*mama

[luckylady]

I definitely see personality as a strong factor. Your dd is likely an extrovert, and may always prefer to be around other people. She may get energy from other people (that's what is draining your energy! ), and get drained from time alone.

I totally agree with this - my DD will be 3 in April and when we are home is incapable of playing alone. *sigh* but get her out and it's "bye Mommy" and off she goes to play with her friends. My DD is definitely an extrovert who needs other people around - like her mommy.

[fluffernutter]

I think there are a few factors. Being a first born definately contributes. I also think that being 'attached' contributes. However, once they get older I think they'll be more dependent. And they'll truely be dependent, not be on their own because they have no other choice, kwim?