Daughters of Alcoholics Support - Page 3

[lauraess]

I have thought lately about my anxiousness around diner-time - when in our home as a kid was when dad came home and even if he wasnt drinking we were nervous and then he was always a bit hard on us at the table. And then many years ago i attempted to "deal" with my overwhelming anxiety on the weekends. I think i have succeeded, since realizing i was making huge irrational attempts to make up for all those terrible weekends as a kid. It did take some time tho.
~Laura

[lauraess]

Where are you ladies? I need you right now. Im having a tough time here at christmas. Im a mess again. again.
Im such a mess i dont know where to start.
it could be any number of things that have got me here but where do i go what do i do?
you know who i am, where im from.
My mom has never been diagnosed with anything but we know she's never been quite right.
Im a recovering drug user of 10 years.
I suffer from anxiety and occasional anxiety attacks.
I believe im entering perimenoupause.
My chiro says the full moon affects me since my liver is not strong and i have stagnation at this time.
Im on effexor, the chinese herbs, and other supplements.
Im still a mess. sometimes im great. now there are times when im totally losing it.
i mean really whacked.
i walk around talking to myself and hating myself. I think about how im harming my kids and how everyone would be better off without me.
am i just sinking into the pit of "poor me"???
is it my meds?
I dont know... anymore... im tired of trying... im tired of being such a messed up person.
sometimes i really really hate myself. I thought long ago i learned to love myself. Why isnt that working anymore?
~l

[Leatherette]

Lauraess,

See your doc/therapist. It is probably either just this time of year, or your meds aren't right.

Your kids would not be better off without you.
And kids can live with mom being a little "whacked" now and then. It will build their character . But make sure you are getting what you need for yourself so that "whacked" will be rare for you.

Let us know how you are doing. I haven't been posting lately, but I have been checking the thread.

Take care,
L.

[kerc]

Lauraess, I'm still here I've been working (I WOHM) like a maniac for about 2 weeks full-on. Life is just now slowing down to a jogging speed I second the idea to get some additional support right now. Could be the full moon? Could be that the holidays is advertised as a very family-centered time and well, if your family is off key, then it makes it extremely difficult to deal with the holiday season.

My life is good, interactions with my sisters make it crazy! They want me to chip in on a TV/VCR for my mom. (a). I don't have extra $ right now and (b). I don't want to.
I will not be made to feel guilty about this.
I will not be made to feel guilty about this.
I will not be made to feel guilty about this!

[CharlieBrown]

Hey Laura,

I'm here too. just busy getting some regular cooking done. Pm me if you ever want to talk

Diane

[lauraess]

Thanks all.
You all are right, probobly a little of this and a little of that. ....Yet, It doesnt seem to Help knowing that is prob true. It is because im such a freak, such a terribly disfunctional mom that i cant stop beating myself up. I guess theres prob some great spiritual or pshychological reason that explains why im stuck continuing to beat myself up more and more, but right now it just really seems like the truth is the truth: Im doomed to be just another pshycho mom with issues she couldnt escape. You know i've tried. just not enought i guess. Didnt work my 4th step in NA, Didnt do enough therapy with the right therapist, havent found the right meds, Need weekly accupuncture even tho i cant afford it. I mean, i could go on bellieve me about the things i prob should be doing or should have done better or differently.
Im just soooo tired. Tired of being me and this crap. I really try every year to like christmas and carry on making the best of it.... I dont really like it this year... and yet my kids are little and Im supposed to! I know! supposed to is not a healthy concept . I want so much to be a better mom, better than i am and of course better than im capable. I dont want to hurt my kids so much. It's not like im an idiot, I've tried to stop trying to be perfect. I really have. I just am so angry and mad and annoyed at everything.
When i say that they'd be better off without me i think i actually believe that. I feel that nothing I do is valuable and for what they're getting from me these days they would do much better in a different environment. I cant think straight. my mind is really going. I want to be able to plan things and accomplish things in a decent manner without such hassles that always end with me totally pissed and wishing they had a better mom.
Im seeing my pshych tomarro since she gave me something two weeks ago to help "even out my mood" --(a drug for Schizophrenics actually ) --- I didnt take any of it. My husband thinks we should stop doing the effexor.
It's like a crap shoot. ...Next med, please
Thanks friends for listening.
Laura

[pia]

Hi - I´m Pia. I have been lurking on this thread for a little while, and so glad to find you all.
I had an alcoholic dad who died almost 6 years ago. He committed suicide.
He was never physically abusive to either me, my mother or my brother, but he could be quite verbally harsh with my mum and brother.
My parents divorced while I was away studying in London, so that part never felt particularly traumatic. I think things escalated while I was away.

My dad was never good at showing his feelings, and I think that got the better of him. He had a tough childhood with a strict dad. I mean it´s all complicated - the whole story - but just to give you an idea.

His brother was an alcoholic and committed suicide too. I am still so affected by his death. And my grandmother, his mum, died just a few months ago, and the sad part I feel now, is that the last link to my dad is gone. I did however have a wonderful relationship with her.

I am forever grateful that my dad was around to meet Oliver when he was born, and I am sad that they won´t get to know each other.
But having an alcoholic dad colours the way I parent - every single day - in a positive way.
When Oliver was born I felt really strongly that I needed to give him what my dad never had as a child - namely attachment! So AP.

Need to go - Oliver is calling! He has found a gecko that he has named after my dad!!!
Merry christmas - happy holidays to you all...glad to be here.
Will be back!

[sparklemom]

I'm always surprised that my father hasn't committed suicide. Every since I can remember there have been MANY MANY times I thought I'd never see him again due to suicide.
He's such a deeply sad man...and phsycially worn as well---he's in his late 50s, but looks like he's in his 70s.
He struggles so hard with life, emotionally, and always has---hence, the drinking, to medicate, yet of course perpetuate, his ills. He drinks 'round the clock, and if he hasn't his body shakes miserabley. Several times recently he's broken huge blood vessles in his eyes...which I believe is from throwing up. He always has some mysterious injury or accident, which my mom always has some excuse of a story to smooth it over. (She, and he too, is obsessed with appearances. She's also a major gossip.)
My mom is a major "fixer." Neither of them seem to know what healthy boundaries are in a relationship. It's a constant cycle of seeing them emotionally abuse each other in some way---one abusing, the other tolerating it. Lots of guilt, shame and blaming.
They both feel like victims. They seem to think of things in terms of victimization.
My dad has a very high intellect and is deeply spiritual, very into politics and philosophy. But for all the intellectual gifts he has, he seems to have not an ounce of emotional intelligence.
Watching my dad struggle so hard with life is very sad. I flip flop between letting it go/indifference/numbness, feeling very sad for him, or feeling angry.
We're always close to the "fire" so to speak bc my dh works professionally closely with him. Somehow through the years my dad channeled his dysfunctions into over-achieving professionally...he was very "successful" by society financial standards at one time...if it weren't for my dh stepping in five years ago to partner up with him everything would have been ruined and lost due to his drinking and emotional struggles with depression.
ANYHOW,...
I feel SOOO thankful for the loving family I have created for my own children. I thankfully picked an amazing husband. I'm so in love with our children. Our home is emotionally and physically safe. Thankful, thankful, thankful!

[lauraess]

Merry christmas eve everyone!
to sparklemom> Its good to hear that you have gratefulness in you despite the situation. I used to really have that for I DO have plenty to be grateful for: A great husband especially! ... I guess I need to look at that again. I hear you on the sadness over your dad since my mom has suffered being a victim for all the time i've known her and despite many attempts on my part and my fathers it's like she almost wants to be unhappy. yet, as an addict recovered myself i can understand the 'comfort" of staying in old ways--- And then ironically I also choose to see the truth in my own pains and my own struggles and fight to not give up. It definately is a big part of the dilemma to get healthy. In NA they say something like the disease being indsidious. AND THAT IS TERRIBLY TRUE.

Cia: My father and his father were very unable to show their feelings-- and it was my grandmother who apparently damaged my fathers pshyche in her abuse of him after my dads dad died. I always knew it even as a young child that my dad had like a locked door on his ability to work and deal with feelings. A very passionate and kind person but with old wounds running deep so that when he drank they surfaced in terrible ways.
It sounds like your oliver is a real sweety and smart too!

Ladies all> I finally decided to take the meds in addition to my effexor. The pshychiatrist urged me nicely to just help take the edge off with a tiny dosage and that i could have a nice christmas. I know it sounds in some respects like a bandageing of huge boo'boos yet it's been sooo very difficult. I totally ruined the freindship I have with my best freind on that same day and so it was increasingly more obvious that i was going over the edge.
Im not planning on staying on this new meds. I have a number for a therapist and will make the appointment on Monday.

so I wish you all a very happy and peaceful christmas!!!!
~Laura

[love2all]

This is our first year(since becoming parents 9 years ago) that dh and I are not going to my parents. I feel good about the decision since my dad is sooo unstable and we had such an 'episode' last year, bUT part of me is lonely today and I really miss my mom.
It sucks that my dad is so unable to control himself and that my mom has to be alone today too.
I guess I am just rambling on but writing this helps me remain strong in my choice to stick by my promise/threat that I would not put my dc thru that bulls*&% again.....
Happy Holidays all-
Much Peace-
Maria

[lauraess]

love2all> so, how did it go?? I was thinking of you last night when we went through a slight incidence with my highly disfunctional parents and myself where i was really torn between thinking maybe I shouldnt have even invited them and great love for them at the same time. My sit. is slightly different tho as my parents dont drink and ironically part of the situation involved my Dads extreme agitation in going over to my brothers home where the mom-in-law and boyfreind of my brothers sister-in-law were drunk at diner. My dad could not stand that and said next time he will find out if they will be there first. so, when the showed up at our house ways early, after having called in the morning and saying they were coming later than the afternoon, I freaked a bit. I had gone to let the dog in and saw my mom in the driveway, I turned around without saying "Hi!!" and began trying to cover up my naked daughter who was waiting for a bath and kept getting increasingly upset over not being ready since they changed plans on me in the first place and now just SHOWED UP.
--- when my son then went to greet them at the door-AND THEY WERE GONE!!! AGGGHHH!! -Im thinking how immature and unable to deal with situations they are!
... so eventually i got diner underway and was able to call my dad and talk to them and sort it out. I apologized for not being very welcoming but i dont think i got an apology or an acknowledgement on their part for not calling me and telling me they were comingearlier now. Whatever.
They came over , we had dinner and presents and they played with the kids.
It really was nice. That's one thing they do have with me is an openness over the crap we have between us. My dad said on the phone "lets just pretend this didnt happen" -and I said " no, we won't pretend Anything. We 're family and it's Christmas and we can just get on with it despite our crap."
I thought in the middle of it how i could write it all down, my emotions and thoughts, since it would make good material for the therapist, having it fresh where i could actually learn from it.
It brought so much up. christmas past and present and that which resides in the expectation department of the brain.
Anyway, I hope you all got that. kinda crazy for a short while it was, but it was okay in the end. I wanted it to be a certain way, peaceful and lacking the old famiiar chaos. but , it wasnt -oh well- maybe i know nothing about a peaceful christmas and maybe because they very rarely exist in this world.

Hope you all had happy christmases

Laura

[Leatherette]

Laura,

Sounds like you handled everything well. My family was 3000 miles away, all driving each other crazy, and all was fine here with the mellow in-laws.

L.

[love2all]

Laura-
thanks for asking- we had a lovely day, just the 5 of us!!!!


Sounds like you did alright too!

[meowee]

Hi Laura!

Sorry I wasn't here... this thread got too painful for me to read. I had to sort through everything that was rising up in my psyche from thinking about this and hearing everyone else's stories. It is helping me A LOT. thank you ladies

[lauraess]

Meowee: heymama, no problem. it's okay. Im glad this is helping you. I think this can be an awesome tool for us all as we are able to listen and open up easier with people who get it. Which reminds me: i MUST make that apptmnt w/ the therapist. Been busy getting apptmnts for my teeth, my eyes and the dogs and kids. all this week we have somethng planned and the following week is filling up too. It's never like that! really!
I hope when i do get to the therapist that he really is as good as i've heard. I 've spent lots of time in therapist's offices and gave up on it for a bit. but I sure could use it now!~
Laura

[t912]

I just found out about 2 hours ago that my father has a drinking problem. I have no where to go to talk about this. My mom told my brother and I about it. Apparently he has been doing it since I was 3 years old and then stopped for awhile, but ever since he lost his job he has been doing it frequently. I am mostly upset because my mom has and is in so much pain. She hasn't lived her life ever since it started. I feel like their whole marriage is a waste, and my me and my father's relationship is a complete sham. I feel like I've been lied to for the past 17 years. My father has made it known to me that he never drank.. and whenever we'd go out to family gatherings or a restuarant, it was always non-alcoholic beer for him. I can't believe this. I am in complete shock, am upset and so confused. I just wish my mother had a better life. She doesn't deserve this. My brother and I don't either. Just please someone tell me something. I don't know what to think anymore. I just wish my mom, my brother, and I could have a better life.

[lauraess]

T912> I am glad you are able to "talk" about this. I am sorry that you are understandably dissappointed and sad. I know how you must feel, except my father was always drinking. he stopped over 20 yrs ago and sometimes i still cant believe it. I never thought he would quit. It is terrible to have to go through. the lives belonging to addicts and their families is scary, deeply sad, emotionally hostile, and damaging in many ways. Your mom knowingly or not has become part of this disease just inorder to survive. my therapist put it to me this way: "In choosing to be with your father your mother HAD to become sick." one goes through denial, lying , and all kinds of behaviors and mind games when they are involve in the life of an addict. It's about survival. I always thought my mom should have left my dad but eventually as i got older i understood more. I share your sadness, I have always wanted mom to have a better life. When she finally passes on I hope she gets it. I hope she gets some peace.
I would do a search and find alanon or something supportive like group meetings. You need to talk and heal. do it now before the hurt goes deeper.
You arent alone. there are many many people who deal with addictions in families, nothing to be ashamed of.
It's very hard to feel you deserve better and know you've been cheated. I used to feel that way. It's true,,, we all deserve better. our fathers, mothers, brother....please remember that for yourself and go after it. This does not have to be you... you are not your fathers alcoholism and this huge problem isnt you. I dont know if that makes sense to you. Be what you can be because of the situation-- not in spite of it. let it be a place to learn from. Most great awarenesses come from pain.
sorry to babble on.... im thinking of you...
~Laura

[t912]

Thank you so much Laura for your words. I really, really appreciate it. I'm taking your advice strongly about finding help and dealing with this "before the hurt goes deeper." I decided I'm going to talk to a crisis counselor (who happens to also be one of my teachers) at my school before this takes over all my thoughts. Talking to my mom would be one thing, but I think a counselor would really help me deal with this. To be honest, it feels very surreal, like this is just a bad dream and I'm gonna wake up. But the sad part is, it isn't. I'm going off to college next year and I guess this is another step of growing up and dealing with life's situations. Thanks again for all your kindness.. I'm sure I'll be coming back here.

[bebe luna]

hi ladies...
I'm another member of the children of alcoholic parents...

my dad is an alcoholic/drug abuser.
he was never physically or verbally abusive.
just very very emotionally absent and very undependable.

he and my mom split up when I was 14. That was after she had had it with him driving drunk with me...

he lives in Mexico now. I haven't seen him for a couple years. We talk about once a month.

My parents got together in their teens. My mom was 18 when she had me.
My dad is a musician and used to play a lot...
I grew up in a party scene, surrounded by drinking, drugging, etc. I thought that was normal until I was about 12.

In my teens my dad used to take me to parties, I'd get high... often
much-older men would hit on me... it was all pretty inapproriate.

Pretty much every boyfriend I have ever had had chemical abuse issues and usually depression issues...

Right up until now. My dh who I have been with for over 10 years is currently in treatment for opiate abuse. He was sober when we met... but over the years chemicals have been a reoccurring issue... alcohol, pain killers, pot, etc...

I just want a sober enviroment. I don't mind moderate use, like a glass or 2 of wine w/ dinner or a couple drinks at a social event, but I am so tired of people around me abusing chemicals and destroying their lives...

I did go to alanon for a while. Currently am attending a weekly support group that follows the principles of Health Realization. It is helpful.

It is painful to see that my kids have pretty much no grandparents, except my mom, because of chemical abuse... my dad is far gone, dh's dad is in prison for a drug related crime, and his mom died/killed herself (she was also an alcoholic/pain killer addict).

My mom doesn't drink as much as she used to... but when she does, it's never in moderation. She drinks a bottle of wine by herself, sometimes more, and she is about 5'2" and 110 lbs...

Anyways, I am rambeling...
sorry.

Glad to have some support here. I'll be back.

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by meowee

does anyone else whose parent/s started drinking at the same time every day start to feel anxious and depressed around that time of day?

This is really interesting and I'm going to have to think about it.

My dad was an alcoholic. However, as Leatherette said, he was NOT abusive or generally mean. He actually did a lot of housework when he was drinking . . .and he was very generous.

I didn't become really aware of the problem until I was about 10. It seemed like everything got a lot worse then. It was a horrible time.

I dealt with my own addiction-- (an eating disorder)-- and it gave me some insight into what my dad dealt with, and I finally got over a lot of my anger toward him.

My DH recently noticed how un-sentimental I am. I want to get rid of so many things from the past. I finally realized it is because the past brings me so much shame that I'd rather live in the present.

Thankfully, I married someone without an addiction. I was extremely paranoid about this so I really checked before getting married. His family has some serious dysfunctions (which my DH doesn't see) and this is very troubling to me since I have to be around them (and they all REALLY don't like me) around the holidays. I feel like I've had my share of dysfunctions and I don't want to be around that anymore, so I want to protect myself. DH sees it that I don't consider his family important.

It's somewhat creepy to think about all the things about my personality that were affected by my childhood. My goal is to not have any of the past affect (adversely) my own DD, but this is hard. It feels like I have to completely change myself. I always wonder what I'll tell her about the past.

Oh, and my dad died when I was 13. I carry around a lot of guilt about this. Instead of feeling sad, I felt relieved. I wonder if that's partly why I don't see situations as fixable and just want to have nothing to do with problems. I guess I don't have too much hope. We tried to have an intervention with my father and it didn't work. I admire those people out there who have become sober-- I think it's pretty rare.

Thank you for this thread. It's a very hard topic.