How can I use GD to tackle this?

[gokiamma]

Dear mommies,

DS is 11 months old and oflate we are noticing that he is trying to get things done by crying a lot . For example this weekend, whenever he was left down to play by himself, he would shriek and cry so much that either Dh or I would feel sorry and carry him around. The moment he is carried, all the tears would go away and he would be very contended.. My fear is that he has learnt that by crying a lot he can get his demands met . A similar thing happened today. I left him in the execrsaucer to fetch something and boy there was soo much crying.. As if he had gotten hurt or something.

Before he realises that this is a sure shot way to get things done his way, I want to discourage it. At the same time want to teach him to be by himself. During the week his Grandma takes care of him and she too has observed this. How can I stop this behaviour? Appreciate your advice to tackle this.

thanks
deepa

[maya44]

Look, I am not the most AP person here, but what exactly is your dc doing that is bad?

I assume that at age 11 mos, he can't say "Mama, I don't want to be put down now, I need you to hold me!" So he cries to express what he needs.

If you really need for him to be put down for a minute you can tell him that you know he wants to be picked up, and will do so in a minute. To me, that is OK, but don't be upset with him for just expressing himself.That is NOT manipulation at all!

As he gets older you can encourage him to "use his words" but right now, I think he's doing exactly what he should.

[fiddledebi]

(Eek! Replied to the wrong post! Sorry!)

[annab]

He is communicating the only way that he can right now. As he becomes more mobile, he will get right under your feet when he wants your attention. Right now, he is vocalizing with the only tools he has.

I don't see this as a discipline problem. He is probably old enough to start saying to him, "Mommy will be there in a second" so that he gets used to hearing that followed by a short delay. And by short delay, I mean enough time to wipe your hands off from the dishes and go get him. I don't think this is a behavior to stop. You want him to learn that when he tries to communicate, he is heard and that his ideas are important. He is still so young. Your responding to him creates a wonderful trusting bond. He expresses himself, you react positively and he understands that his needs are worth meeting. That is great parenting!

As for preventing the crying, have you considered a backpack or a wrap with him on your back? If all he wants is to be with you, why not do that for him? He is a long, long, VERY long way from extended times of independent play. Developmentally, he should not be expected to be alone. Attachment parenting is not really about teaching them to be by themselves; it is about instilling trust early so that when they are ready, they can choose to be by themselves without fear.

His mind is nowhere near the point of learning to manipulate. There is no, "Ha ha! Have I got them wrapped around my finger or what? Watch how they react when I cry!" Way to complex for most kids under five. All he knows is that he wants you and that the best way to get you is to express himself. Crying is all he has, and you don't want to teach him that crying is bad, unwelcomed or ignored. Since that is his only way to communicate, if you teach him that is 'bad', he will only get more frustrated and start acting out in other ways.

[Linda KS]

I agree that children shouldn't be allowed to cry to get their way. If, for example, one of my kids asked for candy and I said no and they cried, they still wouldn't get the candy.

The case with your son is a whole different thing. He is crying because he wants to be close to someone. He has no reason to be by himself. He needs people and he knows it. Put him in a back pack or sling or let him crawl around your feet. Eventually he will go off on his own. You can force it now, or let it happen in his own time. The difference is huge, though. A child who is allowed to seperate when they are ready are doing it from a place of strength -- of knowing that someone (mom, dad or grandma) really is there if they need them. A child who is forced to seperate before they are ready learn that they have to cope because they cannot count on anyone to be there when they need someone.

My kids were never left to cry and were not forced to seperate. They are big now and they don't cry to get their way and they are very independant.

[carolsly]

I thought that I had found the answer to this when someone gave me a copy of To Train Up a Child by one of the Pearl's. This is from www.nogreaterjoy.org ACK...so incredibly wrong. It's just the attitude that children are trying to manipulate you at any age under 1 and sometimes up to 3 or 4. PP was correct in that they don't know how to manipulate. I know my 6yo does. She is great at it. Good thing I'm better. The 2.5 yo is not. When she cries she knows where Mama is. I may not be able to go to her right away, but she knows if she comes to me that I'm there to hug and kiss and love on her. Up to 18 mos, I came a runnin' My 6yo also knows how to mother too and quite often the 6yo can kiss her boo boos or help her with whatever and she will be fine.

I love my slings! My 2.5 yo is not interested unless she is tierd so I keep it in my diaper bag for outings. My other daughter loved that sling from day one. She rode in that sling for everything. We went everywhere with her in that sling. People stared at us, but she was cute so it wasn't such a big deal.

They are only this little once. Relish in it for they grow up so incredibly fast. DH has decided that we are done having children and so I am digressing.

[atomicmama]

My dd went through this, now ds is going through it. In my small amount of experience with them, it is seperation anxiety. So, do the best you can and give him all the hugs and kisses you can muster!!!

[MsMoMpls]

This is the perfect time to start teaching sign language. Figure out two or three things he might need and teach him the signs for it. It is easier than you can imagine and he is just the right age. It really does decrease frustration- both yours and his.

Otherwise, take a look at what your reaction is about. The other responders have given you some pretty good info on normal child development. This is just what AP is all about- not training babies to be big kids before they are ready.

[MacKinnon]

I have a very willful 11 month old I can't help but feel like she is manipulating me sometimes.... even though I know better! I have been trying to transition her more lately, to avoid full scale meltdowns and help make things flow easier. For example, she waves bye-bye and seems to be understanding that bye-bye means that someone/thing is leaving. So, when I have had to take her away from something I say "okay, time to say bye-bye to the blocks, we are going upstairs. Say bye-bye. Bye-bye blocks." then I pick her up and we go. This is working more and more frequently, she is better able to understand that a change is about to occur and more accepting of it then being plucked up in the middle of her play. Hope that helps!

[allgirls]

I think you have gotten some great advice here...I agree that he isn't trying to manipulate you in the adult sense. I think because it looks like manipulation for generations many people thought it was but now that it is understood that children that age don't have the ability to manipulate in the adult sense our responses can be different and better

I just want to add...it's pretty powerless to be 11 mos old and unable to take care of your own needs...being able to cry and get results gives them some power...and I think it's a good thing for children to have a feeling of power. It makes them feel right and strong and important. The key is to always remember their age and adjust your response and response time accordingly

I also know that kids become more anxious and therefore needy of mommy/daddy when developmental things are happening...like just before learning to walk my dd was very attached to mommy for about a week...then she let go and went...and the clinginess went away againf or a while until language bursts started...

ilovemyavery has a great point...transitions are a hard thing for babies and toddlers...lots of warning, waving bye bye to the toys, friends, car, china Royal Doulton doll belonging to Grandma, helps them let go...

The more you respond at this point the less needy he will be in the future because he will be secure in his trust that you will be there for him.