MIL is anti-AP - what to do?

[kathipaul]

My mother-in-law is anti-attachment parenting. I can't believe I finally came to this conclusion but I have spent 20 months trying to be a good mother and trying to respectfully explain to her why co-sleeping is important, why extended breastfeeding is good, why gentle discipline is best, etc and she just mocks me or laughs at me and tells that "we did things differently in my day." I finally bought Dr. Sears' little Attachment Parenting book for her but I don't think she has even read it. To make matters worse, she now is refusing to child proof her home, mocking me on that issue as well. She was down-right annoyed at me this weekend when I started moving cleaning solutions and knives and other major hazards up and out of dd's way. DD is 20 months and into everything. MIL thinks we can just keep an eye on her but I would not even try to do that in my own home, which is small. MIL's house is large and MIL is 77, so keeping an eye on dd is difficult. We have tried to talk to her but basically she just does not want to change and does not have much respect for our parenting. My hubby has just given up on her and says we should just do our thing, not take what she says personally, move all hazards up and out of reach every time we visit, never let MIL babysit (ever), and not visit all that often. MIL guilts us into visiting, however, so we go at least once a month.

I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. We have to visit MIL. She lives nearby and is very generous with us with gifts and money and really does love dd. She is a widow and there are good things about her that we enjoy. She is driving me nuts.

Any suggestions?

Kathy, mom to Paulina (3-26-03)

[librarymom]

Originally Posted by kathipaul

My hubby has just given up on her and says we should just do our thing, not take what she says personally, move all hazards up and out of reach every time we visit, never let MIL babysit (ever), and not visit all that often. MIL guilts us into visiting, however, so we go at least once a month.

I'd go with this. Really. It doesn't matter what she thinks, you have to do what you feel is right. I cannot tell you how many times we have said, "oh, that's interesting, but this is what works best for us". The strongest argument you can make is your loving, kind, well-adjusted, happy daughter. Make the most of your time with her, but don't talk about this stuff and DON'T ask her to babysit. I'd move the stuff, too, as best you can. If DD breaks something "valuable", maybe she'll move stuff...

Good luck and be happy!

ps--your DH sounds great, too.

[TiredX2]

You'll probably just have to let it go, but if you want maybe a bunch of us in the Seattle area can come over with our older nurslings (mine's over 3 now), our kids still in the bed (DD is almost six), homeschooling, etc... and MIL might start thinking "it could be worse" and just let it go. :LOL

[JoshuasMommy]

Your childs safety is most important thing to consider. I personally would sit down an tell her that you respect the fact she has different views and did things differently when raising her children. But this is your child and your decisions to make as her parents. If she is unwilling to make a few concessions to support your parenting style then she will force you to not visit her. PERIOD! But that's what I would do. There was a time in my life where I was so concerned with how other people felt that I quite often didn't stand up for myself or my point of veiw. That's not me anymore. But I would give her the opportunity to do the right thing and then if she chooses not to then I would stand behind my word. I hope you find a way to make the situation work. Good luck.

[EFmom]

Exactly what Librarymom said.

Really, what does her approval matter? There's no law saying she must agree with you about child rearing. She got to raise her kids according to her beliefs. You are the parents of your child and it sounds like your dh is on board. I agree, you can't let her babysit. If the monthly visits are too stressful for you, why not have her visit you in your home? That way, there isn't an issue with the babyproofing, and you can relax more and enjoy the visit.

[MyBabiesCome1st]

I agree with Librarymom.

When MIL "guilts" you into visiting, or tries too, explain to her you don't appreciate the mockery she tries to make of your parenting and therefore you don't want to be in her company. When she decides to except and embrace your ways then you will be glad to visit more frequently.

[Overproducktion]

You'll probably just have to let it go, but if you want maybe a bunch of us in the Seattle area can come over with our older nurslings

:LOL..yeah, there is a lot of us here in good ol' Seattle area.

[slightly crunchy]

I agree with the other posters.

Why does it matter what your MIL thinks? Yes, you have to visit her. But you never have to prove anything to anyone, or win anyone over to your way of thinking. Anyway, in a couple of years, she will probably come back and tell you what a wonderful child you have raised and what a great job you did!

I have a similar issue with my mom. In the past she has made snide comments about cosleeping, nursing beyond 2-3 years, and gentle discipline (or at least what she perceives as gentle discipline; she doesn't understand it and thinks anything not involving spanking and punishment is permissive). I have slowly learned to let it roll off my back. I also never tried books. I think if someone is going to be disagreeable, reading a book may only add fuel to their fire. Plus I feel like buying her a book or having long discussions about parenting is almost like admitting I really want to please her and justify myself to her--I think when I stopped discussing and started saying "well we will have to agree to disagree on that" it made me appear more confident and cut down a lot on her remarks.

As far as putting stuff up, I would just continue to do it each time I went over there, if she doesn't. It doesn't need to be anything about AP--just explain that you want to keep both dd and MIL's fragile/special things safe. And if it becomes too much and she just doesn't get it, maybe visit a little less often for a while. DH can explain why, and that you are happy to have her over to your house to visit dd until she is old enough to not need so much babyproofing. I know that it is annoying. I would leave my mom's house exhausted sometimes with trying to stay one step ahead of ds and all the stuff within his reach. I think some of it is that many years after having children, people just forget what it is like to have a curious toddler around, and they don't always know what kids will be wanting to get into at different ages.

[kathipaul]

Thanks for all the kind words. It is so terribly exhausting to have to be in defense of your actions and to be on alert for days at a time because there are so many hazards in the house that I come back to my home exhausted. I appreciate that some of you have been there. I will continue to do what I have been doing and just let her be her.


tiredx2 - maybe I'll take you up on your suggestion! That would rock her world!

Kathy in Seattle, mom to Paulina, 3/26/03, AP, cosleeper, GD

[Meiri]

"we did things differently in my day."

"This is no longer Your day."

If it was that bad, we'd go with the witholding visits until the mocking stopped too. My mom had an aunt who moved down to their town, but she'd be almost verbally abusive towards Mom sometimes. When that happened, Mom would simply not visit her. When she asked why, Mom told her. The nastiness stopped. If it happened again, Mom would quit visiting again....and so it went until Auntie died.

Don't try to justify your parenting methods to her, that just opens it up for discussion. Tell her bluntily that this is how it will be: her house will be childproofed by the 2 of you if it isn't already when you arrive; you and your DH will raise you child(ren) the way YOU decide, not the way she did decades ago--time and knowledge and science march on. I bet she's not watching TV on a black&white from the 60's, or driving a car from the 70's; why should you parent in similarly outdated ways?

[AllyRae]

Ugh...my IL's are anti co-sleeping, pro-spanking, pro-CIO, anti-homeschool (and private school for that matter). And at my own son's birthday party, FIL compared raising kids to training dogs... I have just learned to stand my ground and tell them if they don't trust their own son to raise a child, maybe they need to look at how they raised him (I've never actually had to say that. I have told them that they raised their child how they saw fit...now they should trust their son to make the right decisions). I also make it clear that *ME and my DH* make the parenting decisions for our child, and if they want to see our child, they need to respect our parenting choices. If I EVER hear them comparing my child to a dog, it will be a long time before they are allowed in my house.

I hate to sound like a spoiled rotten b!!!!, but you don't come into my house and make my child feel inferior... If you respect my child and myself, you are more than welcome to stay...

Sorry for the vent...this past weekend's experience with them was awful...insulting my child and then making my sister (who also has a 1 year old) feel like she was doing a crappy job as a mother. That's the last straw for me...

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by AllyRae

...insulting my child and then making my sister (who also has a 1 year old) feel like she was doing a crappy job as a mother. That's the last straw for me...

I was good though. I held my tongue (for the most part) and just walked away whenever they came near me :ignore

To the OP..... DS's paternal grandma is like that too. Told me it would be "gross" for me to BF DS (expecially once she found out he was a boy.... as if BF'ing a girl was okay but not a boy ). Pushed (and pushed and pushed) for me to not co-sleep. Her new kick is "he would sleep all night if you let him watch tv. That's what I did with my kids, just put them in the crib, turn on the tv, and come back in the morning. They survived and I got a full nights sleep everynight". I fight it to a certain degree but there's not much I can do since ex has visitation at her house (he lives with her) and I have a feeling she does much of the parenting (or he at least gets all the "answers" from her)

[girlndocs]

Ahhhhhhhh, her.

[tboroson]

Call me passive aggressive but, I'd continue putting up stuff that is dangerous... but not things that are fragile. Let your MIL figure out how difficult it is to keep her from breaking those things the hard way.

As for her opinions, I agree with girlndocs.

[UnschoolnMa]

My MIL is this way as well (Though my kids are older, so we are not dealing with the child proofing thing) I am very blunt to her, but as respectful as possible, about my feelings on things with my children. She has tried to control what they eat, and what they watch on TV and this has led to her being super ticked at me after me or Dh has told her that isn't her place to control. She and I do not speak often

I would not go visit someone who mocked me or treated me disrespectfully. Family or not that is just terrible behavior I wouldnt want my child subjected to. Oh and I second not letting her babysit ever lol.

[andi_3k]

First of all you don't have to visit her...ever. If she wants you there fine, if she wants to mock oyu then don't go. You have the right to be treated with respect. you don't have the right to child proof against her will. Her house, her rules, her way.
Keep your DC out of the bathroom and kitchen ( where cleaning solutuions and knivces are likely to be) and let her find out what happens to fragile things...including relationships... when all involved are not respected and protected.
She'll learn in good course how hard it was to keep little kidos hands off fragile items when things start getting broke or she wears herself into exhaustion trying. :LOL
IF it were me I would be "taking a break" from visiting her until she can show you, your hubby, your child AND your choices the respect you all deserve.

[Ravin]

Originally Posted by AllyRae

And at my own son's birthday party, FIL compared raising kids to training dogs...

Well, it can be reasonably compared. Both are best done with gentleness, love, mutual trust, and a consideration for the natural behavior and expectations of the subject.

[dharmamama]

You don't "have" to visit your MIL if you don't want to. Why can't she visit you? Then you will be in an environment you know is safe and where your daughter is comfortable and where you can carry on with your normal routine much more easily.

When you MIL tells you, "We did it differently in my day," just smile and tell her, "We do it differently these days."

Please don't waste time and energy trying to change your MIL. It will only bring you more frustration. Just do what you need to do. Who cares whether she approves of AP? It's not her daughter.

Namaste!

Ps. You could also tell her that the reason your dd is doing so well is because you're parenting her so well!

[DebraBaker]

I wouldn't visit her for two reasons.

She is manipulating you. I hate passive/aggressive types I wouldn't feed that. Ever.

Also, she is making her home downright dangerous to your son. If she cannot respect his need to be in a safe environment she shouldn't have the privledge of having your son as a houseguest. You may put things up out of his reach but you only need to overlook *one* thing *once* and he's injured. I wouldn' take that chance.

As far as her attitude I'd risk saying the majority of us have non-ap (heck even seriously anti ap) in-laws. It's her disresepct for you that shouldn't be reinforced.

Debra Baker

[AllyRae]

Originally Posted by Ravin

Well, it can be reasonably compared. Both are best done with gentleness, love, mutual trust, and a consideration for the natural behavior and expectations of the subject.

LOL...if only he meant it like that... This came after he said you had to whip dogs, and shock collars were good things...