MIL is anti-AP - what to do? - Page 2

[~Megan~]

I think your dh is right. You need to keep doing what you are doing. Perhaps the fruits of you parenting will be evident to her and that is how she will learn.

[boomingranny]

I remember reading something and really liked it for situations like this. I try to hear what is really being said. When she's critical, maybe the subtext is like this: "I have major regrets about how I raised my kids, I wish I been more loving, gentle, kind - I can't change the past, I grieve for my choices and regret my childrearing"

Because most likely, the more vocal she is, the more emotion she has invested in your childrearing.

[dawnk]

We are in the middle of this with my in-laws too. Luckily Dh agrees with me about everything. She let my 26 month old cio for up to 30 minutes, several times (she had them from Friday night til Sunday lunch) and once he was poopy! She let my 6 year old stay up until after midnight watching a movie, telling him that he HAD to fall asleep to it. While she told me that I interrupted her saying, He will never fall asleep to a movie. She then yelled at me saying, WE WERE TRYING TO STRIKE A DEAL. WTF? She fed them Corn pops, McD's and pizza on Saturday, Sunday was Corn Pops and Kraft Mac and Cheese (which we intercepted before it got out of the pan!) Dh wants to change things over there, but I am not sure we can. I wish I had advice for you, my mil won't really childproof either. Plus they have dog messes all the time.
I think we will stick to them either visiting or babysitting in our house, which they won't want to do. I say too bad for them. They will come to our house with "witty" comments about how big the boys have gotten since they last saw them, but they don't get it. They will never get it. They are right, we are wrong, always. Period. :

[Quirky]

Originally Posted by boomingranny

I remember reading something and really liked it for situations like this. I try to hear what is really being said. When she's critical, maybe the subtext is like this: "I have major regrets about how I raised my kids, I wish I been more loving, gentle, kind - I can't change the past, I grieve for my choices and regret my childrearing"

Because most likely, the more vocal she is, the more emotion she has invested in your childrearing.

This is exactly what I was thinking, but it would have taken me 14 paragraphs to write it. :LOL

I think it helps to think about the advice the "experts" were giving out in the not-so-good-old-days - don't pick the baby up when she cries, you'll spoil her; don't sleep with the baby, you'll kill him; don't breastfeed the baby, your milk isn't good enough/formula is better; only feed the baby every four hours and leave them in their cribs in between; circumcise the baby, the foreskin is disgusting; spank your child, otherwise he'll grow up to be a sociopath, etc. and so forth.

If you look into the childrearing advice being given out during the first half (at least) of the 20th century, it is so anti-AP and unnatural - but that's what parents were told and that's what they did because they wanted to be good parents. It must be really tough for these parents to see their kids (and their kids' spouses) doing things so differently, because it implies that what they did in raising their kids was wrong.

My step-MIL thinks bf is kinda weird and ff is totally normal and fine - it's how she raised her kids. I don't even bother talking to her about it because she just doesn't want to think that she might have done the wrong thing. Hey, she was really young, she didn't know any better, and she had zero support for breastfeeding. I am not going to change her attitude at this point in her life - so I just nurse my big ol' 28 month old son in front of her with a little Mona Lisa smile and keep my mouth shut. She knows better than to criticize me to my face. (It doesn't mean I don't rant and rave to dh later!)

My mom has a phrase that I think is great - "take your wind out of her sails." You don't have to convince your MIL, and you don't have to engage her in any debates. Just smile, nod, say "That's interesting, but this is what works for us" then refuse to discuss or debate anything with her. It takes two to have an argument!

[onlyzombiecat]

Putting knives and cleaning products out of reach of a baby or toddler is not an AP thing it is something all parents do.
I would tell her that unless she childproofs(or allows you to) with basic safety in mind you will not take your child there. I would not be guilted or bribed into visiting an unsafe environment. I would let her visit you and just stop discussing and defending your parenting choices with her. You do not need approval. If she brings up that that isn't how she did things just say "Oh really? That is different." and change the subject.

[kathipaul]

This is all great advice. I agree that she probably has some regrets about how she raised her child. She only breastfed my dh for a few months and did not bf the next child at all. Also, she bought us our crib and really wants dd to spend the weekend with her, so she has some hidden agendas when she is expressing her anti breastfeeding and anti cosleeping comments. I think it would cause a lot of tension to tell her to make her house safer or else but if we just keep doing it whether she wants it or not and keep ignoring her negative remarks, I hope she will eventually get it. Also, she will not be babysitting anytime soo. As long as she does not get the safety issues, she is not spending time alone with dd. Her loss. DD is the only grandchild, so she gets to miss out. It is a shame.

[mountain]

What is with these ILs? I personally am gonna KISS my daughter-in-law's ASS so that they let me be as much a part of that baby's life as possible! I do it with my brother, even tho' they mutilated my poor nephews genitals, I have swallowed my anguish & sent her the circumcision issue of Mothering

[frand]

I am curious about something in the op -- when you say you have to put things up like cleaning solutions, do you mean they are out and open within your child's reach, or do you mean they are in cabinets at child level but not locked? Are you picking these knives and solutions up off the floor or moving them from one cabinet to another? I'm trying to understand whether she is negligent and truly putting your child at risk versus you having a higher standard of childproofing. It just stood out to me because I never moved things at any house I visited with my child and it never occured to me to ask others to childproof their homes. My MIL was big on candles lit in every room, high and low. I just always stayed with my daughter wherever she was and did think it was my responsibility to keep her away from fragile things in other people's homes, not that those things should be put away. I'm a big APer, just for the record.

[Curious]

We have the same problem. The fruits of our labor (a loving, affectionate, charming 3 year old) have softened her a bit - she doens't complain to our faces anymore.

The problem isn't with us - it's with her and FIL. They take it as a criticism of their parenting style that Dh and I haven't emulated their every detachment-parenting trick. This relates to their insecurity, which overrides their willingness to learn anything new.

We do what we want, we do not need to answer to them.

As far as the visits, she will not babyproof as long as she gets what she wants, which is you visiting. She doesn't care if you move things, she still gets her way. If you say, the house is unsafe, we won't come, she may get with it.