Old enough to stop biting us? We think so...

[captain optimism]

I don't have too many struggles to stay calm and not get angry with my ds, who is now 22 months old. One area that has been a big challenge for me since he got teeth has been biting. When he would bite me when we were nursing, back when he was 8-12 months old, I would have to put him down to play and walk across the room for a minute. He doesn't bite when he nurses anymore...but he does bite us.

This behavior seems to cycle in and out, and may be related to his teething, because he's also biting clothing. He also seems to bite for our attention, or because he gets carried away when he's roughhousing. Be that as it may...we need to teach him not to do it! It hurts, and he is starting to be old enough to know what he is doing.

My dh patiently looks him in the eyes and talks quietly to him about not biting. Ds finds this incredibly upsetting, he can't stand to be spoken to in that quiet, serious way. He understands disapproval. That's mainly what I do too, and ds reacts the same way to me. But sometimes I get angry that he is hurting me! He's just a little one! What can I do to keep my cool? I have been using the "teeth are for food" rubric. Any other, effective, ideas?

[alegna]

Some kids seem to need that frustration release (I remember biting things when I was very young when I was upset or frustrated.) Could you get something that it's okay for him to bite? A blanket or soft toy? Even some of the sturdy teething toys (thinking rubbery plastic, not water-filled) could work. Then when he bites you offer the thing that's okay to bite.

Just an idea. It must be hard to be a chew toy!

-Angela

[mamaduck]

Mine would bit at that age and older, when they got "carried away." It was almost an impulsive way of showing affection -- in their minds. Like, "I love you so much I'm going to eat you!"

And, they would bite instinctively when trying to clear their ears out. They both have allergies and get real snotty. For this I kept teethers and bitable things on hand, and immediately handed them one whenever they bit. I would say, "If you need to bite, you may bite this, but you may not bite people."

For what its worth -- I don't think you need to "keep your cool." You can shout out or yell or scream in pain. Its a genuine reaction, and so long as you are not belittling or insulting him... its okay for him to see an authentic reaction to his behavior. Does that make sense?

Neither of my kids bit after age 3.

[feebeeglee]

DS1 bites, very hard sometimes, mainly in high spirits, whether for happiness or for anger. I expect that as he gets verbal this will slowly pass. He now responds to "No bite!" when he approaches with bared teeth and 'the look'. He is an equal-opportunity biter too, he has bitten me, DH, both sisters and my mother. He's about 21mo.

DD1 bit but she was much older when she started and was doing it pretty much exclusively for my reaction. When I stopped reacting at all beyond silently removing myself and DD2 from her presence (for as long as it took me to stop wanting to cause her pain in return and regain my calm, say 5 minutes max) she stopped. She bit DD2 and that was it, never me or DH.

[thoesly]

Not trying to hijack, but this caught my attention:

Originally Posted by mamaduck

Neither of my kids bit after age 3.

Any ideas for a biter who *is* over age 3? My nephew is 39 months, and he is a biter. He bit my 5-year old son on the chest on Thanksgiving Day -- and he actually broke the skin even though my son was wearing a shirt. He's bitten his parents many, many times, but he's never bitten another child before. I guess I'm just wondering if this seems "off" to anyone -- both the age and the severity of the bite -- or if this is pretty typical. My sister-in-law asks me for parenting suggestions once in awhile, and I don't know what to tell her about this.

[mamaduck]

Originally Posted by thoesly

Not trying to hijack, but this caught my attention:



Any ideas for a biter who *is* over age 3? My nephew is 39 months, and he is a biter. He bit my 5-year old son on the chest on Thanksgiving Day -- and he actually broke the skin even though my son was wearing a shirt. He's bitten his parents many, many times, but he's never bitten another child before. I guess I'm just wondering if this seems "off" to anyone -- both the age and the severity of the bite -- or if this is pretty typical. My sister-in-law asks me for parenting suggestions once in awhile, and I don't know what to tell her about this.

Thoesly -- I'm going to attempt a response, but without knowing anything about the kid I feel like I'm shooting in the dark. So with that disclaimer...I think it is most likely an issue of communication problems. The major difference in most kids after age 3 is their newfound ability to make use of words.... if they can say what they need or feel, then they don't need to act out as much anymore. If he is still biting after 3, then I am guessing that his language skills are delayed, or that he is not encouraged/supported enough in expressing his feelings and needs in acceptable ways.

But I'm no expert, and I don't know the kid.

[thoesly]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

If he is still biting after 3, then I am guessing that his language skills are delayed, or that he is not encouraged/supported enough in expressing his feelings and needs in acceptable ways.

Thanks for the response. I think you are correct. His parents aren't willing to consider the possibility of delays(all three of my kids have special needs that include developmental delays, but since I was adopted, they think their boy is "safe" from such things). I will try initiating a discussion about what we've seen with our own kids, and if my sister-in-law brings up the biting issue, I got some good ideas from this thread that I can mention.

Thanks again!

[MamaOui]

A bit more high jacking, but I'm wondering if it isn't helpful to the OP. Captin Opt., I'm not sure if your ds bites his playmates consistently or if he reserves his biting for you and your dh.

I have a friend and her son has been consistently biting for the last year and a half. He started around 1 and now he's 2.5. He has broken my son's skin on his finger and he almost bit him in the eye. He also pushed my son down the stairs at an outdoor theater. Just walked right up behind him, and gave him a mighty push. My son was nowhere near him and minding his own business just standing there. My son is about his age, but her ds has not limited his biting to my ds.

I started avoiding places that I knew they would be (we have lots of mutual friends). I want to be a supportive friend, but this has been going on for a year and a half and I'm beginning to wonder if he has some sort of sensory issues. At this point, I feel that my friend should be leaving when the biting happens, because it's been going on for so long and then everyone else is on edge. And usually by that point her ds seems highly aggitated and overstimulated. Is this a reasonable expectation at this point?

Captain Optimism, some mamas have success with rubbing their dc's arms gently to calm their dc down if they seem overstimulated. Quick question: what do you mean when you say roughhousing?

[Linda KS]

I don't think there is any thing wrong with letting our children know we are angry and why we are angry. I think it is good to let them know they have crossed the line. I don't see anything wrong with angrily saying "Don't bite me! It hurts! It makes me mad to be bitten!"

For me, trying to keep my cool is a recipe for building up so much steam that I explode. I have lost it before and said some pretty rotten things to my kids -- I've found that I need to let my anger out in little, controllable burst.

Besides, if we don't let our kids know that we experience the whole range of human emotion, we aren't being honest with them and we aren't giving them any models for how to deal with and express these feelings themselves.

[Ellien C]

Maybe not the best approach, but I taught my DD to stamp her feet when she got mad. We had series of bites in day care when I was out of town for a few days. The next time I went away I told her I was going, and let her know not to bit, but that she could stamp her feet. It seems to have worked.

We have a no-biting game now. Where I pretend to bite her toes and she scolds me "no biting" and then I give kisses. It's cute now, she starts out with 'bite' then I pretend to bite and she says "no bite." The she says kisses as I kiss her. When Grandma gave her a doll the first thing she said to her was 'no-bite.'

Actually, last night she bit me while we were snuggling and rolling around in bed. She started crying right after she did it, so I held her and told her I knew she was sorry and that she didn't mean it. Was that the right approach? I think she really was sorry, but I didn't want to force her to say it.

[annab]

Ellien, I think you did a great job. She has learned that biting is not acceptable, and you have proof of that by her reaction. You recognized that it was an impluse, not a planned attack. Based on your description of how you had handled it, her crying definitely showed remorse. I know kids who cry when they do things that are wrong out of fear, but it sounds like she was genuinely sorry.

As for the foot stomping, we just had this discussion in our house. I had gotten my son the book, If You Are Angry and You Know It. One of the things it says to do is stomp your feet. DH did not like that, but he was OK with their suggestion to bang a drum. I was confused...striking ground with foot=bad; striking drum with hand=OK. HUH? His reaction was because of seeing kids throw stomping fits during tantrums. I pointed out that I would rather see a stomping fit than the hitting, running off or flinging oneself to the floor and shrieking. I have no problem with stomping as a constructive way to release anger. For me personally, one good stomp can remove a lot of hostility.

[captain optimism]

My guy hasn't ever bitten anyone but Mommy and Daddy. He's little enough that most of his play with other children is still companionable tandem play, and he has never contested for a toy or anything. He doesn't bite the cat, either, though we have to watch him so he doesn't hold onto her tail when she is walking away.

By rough-housing, I mean what Ellien C was talking about when she said she and her dd were snuggling and rolling around on the bed. Exactly that, and I think ds does exactly the same kind of thing--gets excited and affectionate and bites in that "I want to eat you up!" way. He also bites for attention (my legs!) to protest when I'm taking him somewhere he doesn't want to go (my arms!) and for teething he bites my clothes and sometimes gets me by accident. It's all around equal -opportunity teeth marks! (except thank God no more biting while nursing, that was the worst!)

He's got some language but he's still only a part-time talker. He can express his needs with some of his words now: no and yeah and down and read and a bunch of other things, but it's not like with some kids his age who can use words to express what they want consistently. I think more teeth are coming in, and also I don't know that he has figured out kissing yet. I am going to encourage him to say "No!" and "Down" more.

the big thing for me is my fear of hitting, or biting him back, or setting him down too roughly. I think I have done the latter at least once. That's why I want to stay calm. I was raised with hitting and I want to be a totally non-violent mommy. I also think that maybe getting mad is too much of reaction, too interesting for my little guy to resist? This is more my problem than his problem. His biting isn't that bad, but my reaction feels bad.