maya, i think we are on the same page. but mamaduck, when you put it the way you did, i can see the validity of it, but on a basic level i still feel about the way maya put it.
so here's the latest: several times today i tried gently to feel ds out and see if he was receptive to talking. i did tell him i was sad that we were not communicating, and that i really would be glad if he could explain his feelings and motivation to me, i hoped it would be soon, but i was willing to wait on him. this seemed to work. we were on our way home from a gathering tonight, around 9:30, and he asked me if i noticed how much time he had been away from the group, in the bathroom, i honestly hadn't, so he told me he checked his watch and it was 15 mins. he said he spent the time staring at the ceiling thinking about his reason for not telling me about the dtn. what he came up with was that he just really wanted to go to chess club, and knew if i saw the notice, i would make him serve it, and he would miss chess club. then he told me he was unhappy that he lied to me and said sorry. he really did lie, i always say "how was chess club?" when he gets in the car. he always tells me a story about it. so whichever day it was, i'm not even sure anymore, he made up a story about what happened in CC. that is a lie and in my home it is unacceptable to lie. it carries a consequence. the consequence for this lie is that i have lost trust in his word. we've been through a big thing the last few months about him wanting more personal responsibility, like bathing completely alone, brushing teeth alone, etc. so i told him that since he lied to me once, i might not believe him now when he says he used soap in the shower, etc. i might find it neccessary to check up him a little more, for a while at least. i'm sure that some of you would say this is punishment and so is inappropriate, but it just makes sense to me. and doing what made sense to me got me to ebf, co sleep and babywear, so i have faith in my intuition.
he asked if i was gonna make him quit CC. i really did think of it, but it didin't feel right, and i told him just this. then he says, "well, if you want to make me quit, go ahead. i lose all my games anyway, so i don't want to go. and mr. M made us sign a form so i we miss more than a few meetings, we get kicked out of CC. so if you want to take it away from me, go ahead!". not snotty, just matter of fact. i really wasn't gonna make him miss meetings, but if i had planned it, this woulda killed any possible lesson! he really is too smart for me.
so he and i began talking about this yesterday, and wrapped it up tonight. i told him that although i was angry at first, knowing he felt bad for lying made it cool. then we each said 3 things we hoped the other would work on. (i guess i've been yelling a bit lately, and a few times i made *gasp* an idle threat! lol i told him i was really tired of him throwing his baby bros toys around the LR. then he reached into his backpack and pulled out a pretty "diamond" heart necklace he bought at the school store! paid for with his own $!
i can't wait to rub it in his df's face (out of ds's earshot, of course)! he really thought he should be spanked. not only did i not hit my baby, i got a diamond pendant from him!
thanks all. i'll prolly be sticking around this forum for a bit.
If I were a child, I think that statement would resonate more with me. I'm just not a fan of giving a child responsibility for my feelings (which is how it comes off when we say, "It made me feel sad when you..." That's a "you made me" statement sort of flipped around to sound like an "I" statement.
