Mothering the high needs baby - Page 3

[Peony]

Originally Posted by dmick

We definitely could use some help. My family lives in another state and dh's family is inaccessible. I really don't know if there is anything "wrong" with my son because as long as he's entertained he is very happy. He smiles and laughs and coos and is very engaging. Ironically for the last two weeks he's been sleeping well at night, too. Last night he went from 7p.m.- 3:30 a.m. We are getting enough sleep at night, but the daytime dog and pony show is getting so incredibly tiring. We also are homebound because of ds's hysterics in the carseat. We haven't been able to go out to eat, get coffee or anything since before he was born. And not just about the carseat- if we go anywhere without our "baby managing" tools it's just very difficult. We have to be able to walk around with him ideally showing him plants and trees. We could go to the park but I think that would be it. I don't think that I'm depressed. My dh is incredible and we are really working as a team in this situation, but we are both exhausted and feeling demoralized. When we're just in our cocoon at home I think it's easier, but everytime we see other babies or hear about how easy other people's babies are we can't help but to feel resentful. I think this is a normal reaction considering our situation. But I do believe that things do get better. Hence, my question of when does everything get easier? I would think a tantruming toddler would be easier because at least they can play with toys and don't have to be held all the time. So, can anyone offer any wisdom on the timeframe of this? It sounds like for Bearsmama it was about 2 years with perhaps things getting a bit easier after one year? Were the first 5-6 months the hardest? Is it easier when they can sit and play with toys?
I think in the meantime until we get to that point I need to just not be around other babies or hear about how easy people have it. It's truly easier to just love my son and not think about how much harder we have it than everyone else.

I was exactly were you are now a couple of years ago. My dd hated her car seat, I didn't go anywhere by myself for 1.5 years, dh had to drive me verywhere, and even then if was awful, we had to plan every trip to town (town is 30 minutes away) around her naptimes, but she wouldn't fall asleep in the carseat, I had to nurse her to sleep, and then try to sneak her in her carseat, it was a MAJOR production! DD had severe colic, I remember her getting slightly better around 6 months, she was still very much HN, but I no longer felt the need to pull out my hair every 10 seconds. It was more like every 30 then! I didn't think I was depressed then, but in retrospect I was. Why could I not be? I had no support, a screaming baby, I couldn't go anywhere, no one to talk to, and I still thought, deep inside, that I had caused her to be like that. I hadn't learned to accept her for who she was. You are right, everything WILL get better, but we can't tell you WHEN. Every child is different, they all have their own agenda. It will be gradually, you won't even notice at first, then one day you will awake up and realize that wow, is not quite as bad as it once was. Be prepared to go back there though, I find that many HN children go through periods of highs and lows, it is really hard for awhile, it gets easier, then harder again for a few months, and so on and so on. Honestly, I don't think (for us anyway) that a toddler is easier then a baby, dd is 2, and I STILL have to entertain her every second of the day, I still carry her almost every where, and when she does want to walk somewhere, she running down the street trying to dart out in traffic with me in chase. There are many days that I wish she was a baby again! And at least then she'd only weigh 15 lbs or so instead of the 20 something that I have to lug everywhere while she is kicking, screaming, trying to bite me, and pull evrything off all the shelves. For dd, she only started to tolerate the carseat when she was 1.5 years old, she still hates it, but I try very hard to make it fun. I hvae a huge bag of toys, animal cards, stickers, and etc... that I hand back to her while driving, not exactly the safest, but I've perfected doing it without looking. I'm not trying to scare you, but make you aware that your dd is never going to be like easier children, HN children are always different, they are a wonderful challenge. It's hard to see that now, as my dd has gotten older, I have been able to see the wonderful qualities that she has that other children don't. Try to find a support system that welcomes and is understanding of HN children. I found other moms in the same boat at LLL. I shudder to think what dd might of been like without AP. It has been soo worth it.

[witchbaby]

Originally Posted by dmick

I haven't been able to post here for a while as ds has kept me so busy. I go through periods when I feel very demoralized about the whole issue. It's hard when everyone's baby is so incredibly easy compared to mine. I mean, I think that if I had a "regular" baby, it would be so simple- I don't know how people can complain! They have no idea how difficult a baby can be. Ds is going on five months now. He seems happier, but every day is a marathon and test of endurance. His attention span is about 30 seconds to 3 minutes max, so the entire day is spent going from activity to activity trying to keep him from getting hysterical. Evenings are horrible as dh and I are so exhausted, but then have to deal with even more fussiness. To get him to bed even now we have to swaddle him, put him in the sling and breastfeed him while running the vacuum with most of the lights out. We never get a break because even for naps we have to hold him the whole time and also run the vacuum cleaner usually all the time. I'm realizing how completely exhausted I am. And I just want to know- when will this get easier??? I love my son, but life shouldn't have to be this miserable just because you have a child. Can anyone tell me when it "should" get easier?

oh, do i feel you. at least once a day, i want to yell at k, "why can't you be a NORMAL baby?!" i swear, it's like living with a tiny bipolar (i say this as a person with bipolar disorder). she can go from happy as a clam to shrieking banshee in the blink of an eye.
k was a lot like your guy when she was younger. the first 3 months, the ONLY way she would calm down at night was for dh to wear her in his sling and wash dishes. then nurse. rinse and repeat. then she might go to sleep for a couple hours, then start over again. argh, i can still feel it in my bones. might be because we had a rotten night last night and she's 13.5 months now.
i hear it gets better when they move out at 18. any truth there?

[Ruby Pearl]

I just wanted to reply so that I can come back and read ALL the other replies later when DH is home longer.

My first child (4 1/2 yr.) was so high needs as a baby that I struggle to find the words to describe her so that someone else can even get an inkling of what life with her was like. Mys econd child (10 months) is also very high needs, but in a less demanding, more independent and more rewarding way. I don't know if the difference is because I have learned so much fr4om my first child and did not try ot make my second child fit my ideal or if she actually is an easier baby. Any outside person who has had the pleasure of being around in one of her less than happy moments usually asks me what is wrong with her. DD#1 was very moody, and constantly cranky, never slept, but was fairly quiet volume wise. DD #2 sleeps better and smiles all the time, but when she is not happy she SCREAMS, loud and long. She too does not sleep well, but does sleep better than her sister did. DD#1 slept in 20 min. intervals day and night and still does not sleep through the night. With DD#2 she has a pretty predictable sleep pattern which can be measured in hours, but a good night is still considered one in which I am only up 4-5 times to nurse her as opposed to a bad night where I am up 15 - 20 times. DD#1 was very intellectually advanced at a young age, but did not crawl until she was about 10 months. DD#2 is not speaking at all yet, but started walking just before she turned 9 months old.

They are both high needs, but in completely opposite ways. I just wish I could express to others what it is like to parent children like this so that I won't always feel like I am just being viewed as an incompetent mother. I feel like people just don't believe that my children really ARE different, especially my in-laws. I look around and see mother's whose babies sleep through the night and who get to have time to themselves and who have clean houses and folded laundry and who get to bathe more than once a week without staying up till 2 am to do it and I just feel incompetent. I feel like it is my fault somehow that they are like this and get the message from others that they are spoiled and that that is why they are so difficult to parent and why I am so exhausted. When I try to turn to others for support they tell me that I have depression and need medication for PPD or that I would have more energy if I stopped breastfeeding.

It is good to know that I can come here and talk to people who really do understand me when I say my children are different.

[TudoBem]

It does help to know that your'e not the only one going through this. Out in our lives (not that we get out much or can even really have people over) but we're told repeatedly that our son is the most challenging baby anyone has ever seen. Now if you put him next to another baby and dh and I did our dog and pony show to entertain him you would think that our son is much more interesting and advanced, but if the dog and pony entertainment were to stop for more than 15 seconds the fussing/crying would begin. I'm starting to get concerned that this constant need for stimulation will develop into some sort of ADHD (or is already). I know at under 5 months you can't tell that, but it does seem that he is just so "active" and can't seem to find a lot of internal peace without external stimulation. Some people think that he is just very smart and that he's frustrated with the limitations of his baby body right now. If that's the case then things should improve as he gets older. Maybe I'm just an exhausted mom worrying too much. Not that I have time to worry...
And I do agree about trying not to compare ds to other kids. That's why I don't even want to hear about other babies or be around them. As much as you love your child it's hard not to feel resentful when everyone else seems to be able to live their lives and enjoy their babies. I get such a feeling of the injustice of it all. And yes, I, too, have gotten looks from total strangers that visually accuse me of mistreating my son just because they see him screaming. Of course these looks come from people who have their babies parked in bucket seats where they just lay and stare contentedly for hours. Aaaghhh!
Someone put in a quote in their signature somewhere that babies that are big takers turn into children and adults who are big givers. We're holding out hope. We love our son so much, but like bearsmama said, it is truly grueling...

[roses1001]

I can relate to sooo much that has been said here! I wish we could all get together and give each other support in real life. It always helps to know and see others in the same situation.

Anyway, I don't have time to comment on everything (I wish I did), but dmick asked about WHEN it would get easier, and it reminded me of something...I was talking to my SIL who has a baby the same age as my hn ds. He was about 8 mo at the time, and she was asking how things were going. I remember saying, "Great! I can actually put him down for 2 or 3 minutes at a time." She was very polite, but, of course, could not relate at all. I just remember being so happy that I could pee in peace or grab something really quick to eat.

Hang in there. It DOES get easier. My ds got easier with each milestone--sitting up, crawling, walking, talking. He's still hn, and he's highly sensitive, too, but things are definitely improving.

[lioralourie]

hey just a few more thoughts about all this. I know what you're going through and when I was there, my mantra was...this is just temporary, this WILL go away... this has GOT to get better (or else...hmmm, I don't know, I jump off a bridge?? No, seriously, there were moments that I thought crazy, awful things. Like, just a flash it would enter my mind, and of course I'd reinforce to myself that I'd never do anything like that...but still, it was scary.) So I'd like to share a little bit of our journey and possibly give a sense of hope!

I was there, the CONSTANT crying, aching limbs and feet from constant bouncing and dancing, exhausted mind from giving so much, never having a second of downtime and constantly working my mind having to be creative about what might work next. Nothing ever worked twice in a row. Demoralized because I couldn't help her much. Beaten down because she didn't ever return any of the love. Disappointed because everyone else's baby was so sweet and easy, and these moms actually loved being with their babies, because their babies were, like, normal, and mine was awful. There were times I wanted to pitch her out the window. My husband said, not so jokingly, "So, you want to give her up for adoption or something now?"

For us, things did start getting better, the first real difference was 3 months, there was a small but noticeable improvement when I went off dairy, wheat, chocolate and coffee.

The next real boost was at five months.
[I had figured out that sleep deprivation was a real issue, and began instituting naps. Just noticing when she was tired and I began forcing her in spite of her amazing ability to ignore her tiredness, lying for hours nursing her to sleep while she alternately screamed and rubbed her eyes and nursed... eventually I guess she got the message that when we lie down in the bed to nurse, it's time to calm down]

Things got a whole lot better at 7 months. She still had occasional tough, kvetchy periods when I neglected to get her to nap. But overall, she was great...she was trying to sit up, and could interact with her world a little more. Month 8 was even better, 9, 10, 11 have all seen additional improvements!

So, the past few weeks have been WONDERFUL, she’s like a completely different baby. She's kind of a late crawler, but I really think that getting around on her own has helped. That, and the past few weeks have seen the addition of some solid foods, finally. Also, I don't know if it's a coincidence, but about 1 month ago, I switched her shampoo/body wash from Johnson&Johnson’s to Tom's of Maine. Just a thought, that maybe DD was sensitive to some chemical in there??? So just a suggestion: look into every baby product you own, and eliminate it or go natural if at all possible.

Also, I just began 4 days ago giving her a 1/2 teaspoon of Mylanta at bedtime, and she seems to be sleeping a little more soundly these days. I am positive that, for us, something was going on physically in my DD's early months. Like reflux, or something? Not only the 'normal' colic, which is supposed to disappear during month 3 or 4, but something else, too. Just never got it figured out, cos we live in China and care for babies stinks here.

Things are continuing to improve with our DD. The last few weeks she has been a real dream, truly! Rachie is smiling and laughing spontaneously, really, all the time, playing on her own so well, when she's in the sling, she's really interested in leaning over and catching my eye and engaging me in positive ways, touching our faces and our belly buttons, and falling down on the bed on purpose and laughing hysterically, really happy just to be playing and hanging out with mommy and daddy...I just about cry sometimes looking at her sweet smiling face, because I am so, so grateful things are now this way. I NEVER expected her to turn out to be such a pleasure. I used to wonder what kind of screwed up relationship we'd end up with, envision how she'd surely become a holy terror and surly and rotten, or if she'd end up having serious mental health issues, etc...and it of course would be all my fault.

Now, looking back, I sometimes wonder if the difficult times were just something I had to go through to get me out of my own head and get down to the business of completely existing for DD’s happiness. I have to admit that I think it actually did make me a better mother in the long run. Now, we have such a happy and productive relationship, and I feel so relieved and immensely grateful.

So just HANG IN THERE, don't lose that connection that AP fosters. I know, you're caught up in it now, how it absolutely deflates you, and takes it all out of you to parent a HN baby, I know, it's murder. But it's all so, so worth it. I'm convinced that the Highly Sensitive babies turn out to be the smartest, most sensitive people, if they are parented well. Capable of doing so much good in the world.

Oh, there is a group of books about the Highly Sensitive Person (Child) that are worth a read. Actually, I first heard about them on MDC. Specifically I'm thinking of "The Highly Sensitive Child : Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them". http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/AS...483777-3660660

good luck, DON'T GIVE UP--you CAN get through this, and things will be getting SO MUCH BETTER before you realize it!!!! You can enjoy your darling baby, and WILL some day (hopefully soon)!

[kerc]

Originally Posted by momandmore2

Let me ask you guys this. What do you think of playpens for a short period of time? I sometimes need to do something w/o ds (like take something out of the dryer or oven) or I just get overwhelmed and need to plop him in it for a short "me" break to collect myself. .......What do you do when you need to have a break?

is he reasonably happy? is he better off because you get to put him down long enough to button your pants (after peeing of course with him in the sling/your arms? Does 35 seconds of baby on the floor make your life significantly better? ----> then go for it. and don't feel guilty. AP usually means whatever works best for both of you. He's getting tons of mom-time.

break ---> at that age erin loved to be outside. so we'd go outside for a walk and/or I'd lay with her on a blanket in the back yard.





and back to your OP question --- I found it incredibly isolating. I mean I "got" that babies needed to be nursed a lot from LLL, but I mean every 20 minutes? and ok so babies don't sleep through the night, but to be latched on ALL night, pissed off if I rolled onto my other side? how did I explain that to people. Everyone kept telling me that she was "controlling" me. She was and I hated it, but I wasn't comfortable with more mainstream methods (or confident that they would work!).

FWIW my baby is now 2 and her easonably mainstream) dcp is so thrilled with how "e asy" erin is. She will read books, play with the other kids, etc. She has lots of demands, but is also very verbal and can express them. Basically what I'm trying to say is that it gets easier.

she still has issues with sleeping, but now I'm comfortable with telling her it is quiet time and that means stay in your room and play if you don't want ot take a nap.

[VBMama]

I'm so glad to read all of the replies here. Ds is taking a rare nap so I can't waste this time (you all know what I mean!!!), but we've experienced almost everything mentioned on this thread.

For those of you with babies only a few months old, the biggest change that made life easier - not EASY, but easier - for us was when ds was able to sit up on his own, and then became mobile.

Six friends of mine have had babies this past year, and I don't think any of them have the slightest idea what it is like to have a high needs child. I've felt so isolated by my IRL friends who chirp "Dd is such a little angel" and "This is so much fun!" and "We had a such a terrible night last night, ds woke up three times!" and "Ds loves his exersaucer, he played in it & watched us work in the garden for two hours yesterday." I mean, I was psyched because ds would tolerate being in the exersaucer for 10 minutes and that was a fricking BREAK for me.

I want to come back and post more later, I can't tell you how it feels to see others have had the same experiences.

[kerc]

Originally Posted by VBMama

For those of you with babies only a few months old, the biggest change that made life easier - not EASY, but easier - for us was when ds was able to sit up on his own, and then became mobile.

OMG yes!!!!!!!!

I highly recommend the fussy baby book and then for older babes "raising your spirited child"

[TudoBem]

I think that sitting up will help things quite a bit, too. Now, my ds is quite challenging during the day, but one thing that's helped us a lot at night is that dh really does all the nighttime parenting. He sleeps in another room with ds (ds in an amby bed) and brings him to me to nurse a couple times a night. Therefore, every time ds wakes doesn't necessarily mean he nurses. It also allows me to sleep better. We came up with this arrangement because we reasoned that because I'm with ds all day and am breastfeeding, I by far need sleep the most.
We also did took him to a practitioner of NAET and that helped the night waking to go from every 1-2 hours to every 3-5, with occasionally even longer. We're still working on the daytime thing, but I think it's getting a bit better. I've been working on letting ds fuss a bit and will sometimes just let him vent his frustration and cry while I hold him. There was a good article in mothering.com that discussed this. http://www.mothering.com/articles/ne...onnection.html
We actually were able to drive 5 minutes to the grocery store today and shop for about 15 minutes without incident. Ds even smiled and laughed at several people.
I'm still going to try to avoid all babies and people talking about how easy their babies are, though. It's too hard not to feel resentful.