How do you deal with lying?

[amethystrse]

My ds is about to turn 4 and recently has taken to lying. It's little things but they really bother me. For instance, he'll drop a toy and then accuse it of being my fault. Meanwhile I'm on the other side of the room doing something else. I try to explain to him not to blame things on other people when it's not their fault but I don't think he gets it.

Now, it's gotten worse. He's started the whole playing mommy against daddy and vice versa routine. Where he'll ask dh for something and then come to me saying "Daddy said yes" when in truth dh said "no" or something like that.

We've been really calm about it and I keep on trying to explain to him that when he lies to someone it hurts them. I try to explain why it's so important to tell the truth. But, I'm afraid he's just not getting it.

Both my husband and I are huge about honesty. And we both know that this is a part of a child's development (they learn that we don't know everything that happens, etc) and it's natural. But, I don't know what to do. Explaining it to him doesn't seem to work, and that usually does.

Any advice?

[annab]

For me, lying at age four is really hard to figure out, because I think the cause is determined by development, and they are just starting to really get reality vs. fantasy. He may really believe that because he said it, he can make it true. If I tell mom that dad said it was OK to use the shower curtain rod as my personal jungle gym, then it will true!

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T120100.asp#T120400

I think this article gives really good advice on lying and how to deal with it.

HTH!

[amethystrse]

Originally Posted by annab

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T120100.asp#T120400

I think this article gives really good advice on lying and how to deal with it.

This article is wonderful. I love how they explain it. Ht's really helping me to understand why ds says some things. I'm going to have to sit down with dh and tell him many of the points. Especially this one:

Preschoolers usually can't (or don't want to) distinguish fact from fiction. To a four- or five-year-old, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs exist somewhere. Most children don't begin to understand truth and falsehood until the age of seven – the age of reason. By eight or nine most children have, or should have, a sense of morality. They feel wrong when they don't tell the truth and right when they do. They understand what "lying" means and can feel "it's right to tell the truth."


and thanks!

[maya44]

I believe that the best way to deal with lying is to make it clear that lying is not very productive. So when he drops the toy and accuses you say: "No that was you. I am sure you wish you had not done it."

When he says that his dad says yes, for a while I'd check it out with DH if he's around. If he's not, I'd make my own decision and say, "well I am the one here now and I say no" or "well i am the one here now and its ok with me" In other words, let your child know that his lying has no effect on what will happen.

[amethystrse]

Originally Posted by maya43

I believe that the best way to deal with lying is to make it clear that lying is not very productive. So when he drops the toy and accuses you say: "No that was you. I am sure you wish you had not done it."

When he says that his dad says yes, for a while I'd check it out with DH if he's around. If he's not, I'd make my own decision and say, "well I am the one here now and I say no" or "well i am the one here now and its ok with me" In other words, let your child know that his lying has no effect on what will happen.

That's pretty much what we have been doing, but it doesn't seem to have an effect. When Orion drops the toy or knocks down his blocks and blames me I look at him and say something like, "Now how could I have done that all the way over here?" or "It hurts Mommy's feelings when you say I did something which I didn't" And when he says that dh said something I usually ask dh. If he didn't I simply correct him, "Daddy didn't say that. What he said was......"

Last night I tried something different. I notice that I keep on forgetting to validate my son's feelings when I correct him. I read that's important a while ago and again last night when I read the article. So, when he said, "Daddy said I don't have to go to bed" and dh wasn't home I replied with "I know you wish that Daddy said that. But, he's not here. It is time for bed though. If you're not too sleepy yet, you can bring a toy into bed and play with it for a little while." It seemed to work. I guess he was just trying to let me know, in a way, that he wasn't tired. Usually when playing quietly while he's tired, he falls asleep fast. It took him another hour and a half to finally fall asleep though.

and thanks.