Is it ever ok to teach dd to hit?

[guestmama9972]

DD is a sensitive, high strung child and not too assertive around other kids she doesn't know. We have had several instances where she has been bullied by other children and she has just sat there and taken it. For instance, once at a playgroup a little girl got dd in the closet, piled a bunch of playclothes on her, and was holding her down. DD was just lying there crying when we found her. This is just an example of instances that dh and I have seen. DD gets very upset when she is bullied and I have had to sever ties with 2 playgroups because of it.

It has gotten to the point where DH and I have told dd to fight back. We told her not to hit people first, but if they hit her that she can shove them back. I showed her how, too. I don't know if she has used her new skill yet or not, but I have seen her "practicing" when she is playing by herself and is acting out bully situations (which she does to help work out the anxiety, I think).

I don't want to raise a bully but I don't want a doormat, either. I am wondering if anyone else has taught their kids to fight back.

[Magella]

I teach my kids that if someone is hurting them and won't stop, they should run away and yell for help. If they can't get away they should yell for help as loud as they can. If there is no adult nearby to help and no adult comes quickly when they yell for help, then they should go ahead and hit the person in order to try to get away. I am very into nonviolence, but there is a point when you have to defend yourself however you can. In the book "Protecting the Gift" there are some names of self-defense classes for young kids, and we've been thinking of this for our kids. I think these classes are more about how to recognize and avoid dangerous situations, which of course we try to teach our kids anyway.

[NorCal Mama]

Originally Posted by sledg

I teach my kids that if someone is hurting them and won't stop, they should run away and yell for help. If they can't get away they should yell for help as loud as they can. If there is no adult nearby to help and no adult comes quickly when they yell for help, then they should go ahead and hit the person in order to try to get away. I am very into nonviolence, but there is a point when you have to defend yourself however you can. In the book "Protecting the Gift" there are some names of self-defense classes for young kids, and we've been thinking of this for our kids. I think these classes are more about how to recognize and avoid dangerous situations, which of course we try to teach our kids anyway.

Ditto

[mommystinch]

My opinion is that children should be taught to walk away, or call for help if they can't get away. In a playgroup setting, I'm guessing you would always be in earshot. I would never teach a child that it is okay to hurt another person.

[treemom2]

I agree there comes a point when we must teach our children to protect themselves against abuse from others. However, with DD being only 3 right now, our rule is still no hurting (including hitting) until she is older and may be around those that may hurt her.

[Magella]

Originally Posted by treemom2

I agree there comes a point when we must teach our children to protect themselves against abuse from others. However, with DD being only 3 right now, our rule is still no hurting (including hitting) until she is older and may be around those that may hurt her.

To clarify and expand on my previous post, I agree that with young children it's really the parents' job to protect the children rather than the children's job to protect themselves. We've always emphasized that we do not hurt other people. My kids are 3, 5 and 1 and really are always either with us, with relatives or with teachers (at preschool) so we talk about how important it is to call to the adults nearby for help. So in a playdate/playgroup situation, as described in the OP, prevention and supervision would be our focus. Teaching kids to be assertive, to tell others to stop hitting them and to go for help or yell for help is so important.

Getting help is the thing we focus on most. However, we do realize that there may come a time when one of our kids becomes separated from us (or the other adults they are with) and it is for their own defense on that unlikely occasion that we tell them it would be okay to hit only if there is no adult to help, only if screaming and yelling do not bring help or scare the attacker away, and only if they cannot run away without hitting/pushing/kicking to break free. We want them to understand that it is okay as a last resort when they are being hurt. We do not want our kids to be so focused on "hitting is always wrong" that they are unable to defend themselves should that type of situation arise. So far they have demonstrated that they do not take this as license to hit anyone, anytime they feel like it.

[guerrillamama]

Have you thought about martial arts? I am planning on enrolling ds as soon as he is old enough. Partly just cuz I think it's cool and always wanted to do that myself. But also b/c I think it will be a great way to teach him effective self-defense as well as life skills (like discipline and respect) that can carry over to other areas of his life. Not all classes do that of course, but if you choose carefully I think many martial arts classes place huge emphasis on non-violent resolution and using violence only in a responsible manner -- which I think is more important/practical than teaching to never use violence at all. Also I think it will provide him with a healthy physical outlet. My friend's ds started tae kwon do at age 3 and is now at age 9 is competing in nationals. Anecdotally (and recognizing this is probably just his personality as well as the way he was brought up) - he is the most polite, disciplined kid I have ever met, and has never been in a fight outside of the ring. Another friend's ds was in karate classes and it didn't work out so well. He started using some of the moves he'd learned on his big sister (self defense in his mind, but he could have asked his parents for help instead). His sensei had some very serious talks with him about it, and when it persisted, she expelled him from the class.

[mommystinch]

I also agree that the picture changes as the child gets older. Yes, when they reach a point when you aren't there to protect the, they can't just call for you to come help. I think one of the biggest problems with teaching a preschooler to push back is that it is hard for a kid that age to understand that it is something that is only done in extreme circumstances.

[annab]

I agree with the martial arts training. My husband is an instructor, and we will teach our kids the three basic steps in a conflict: evade, defend, strike, in that order. We already have taught our two YO how to block effectively, though he is nowhere near using it practically in a situation like preschool or playgroup. As we progress in his training, he will understand that it is not OK to strike unless the other two have failed. That would mean the other person has chased you down after you have walked away and is more skilled than your self defense moves. We will teach him that part of evasion is telling a grown up.

[UnschoolnMa]

I could have swore I posted a reply, but it's nowhere to be found. Hmm, oh well.

I think it's perfectly acceptable, and important, to teach children that it's ok to defend themselves when it is necessary. I've never advocated that they run around kicking the butt of every person that makes them angry, but if they are in a position where they are being physically hurt and they need to react physically to make the perosn stop I am totally comfortable with that.

[annettemarie]

We were in a playgroup with a little boy who used to just claw Michael. He was quick, and if Michael ran away the boy would chase and attack. Not playing wasn't an option; they were good friends. We finally told Michael it was OK to put his hands up and push the other boy away and then get away. Not to hit, but to stop him.
Annette