I hate the anger that I have....

[catlvr976]

I just had my second dd a month ago. Since then, I feel myself losing all patience with my first dd, who is 2. I love her dearly, but I feel that I have no patience with her at all and seem to have such a short fuse with her. It makes me sick. I am beginning to dislike myself very much. I am taking 50 mg of zoloft b/c I developed anxiety/panic disorder 8 months after dd was born.

Last night I thought I was losing my mind. My DH works nights, so I'm home with my dd's at night by myself. I felt the beginnings of a panic attack b/c I was terrified that I might totally lose my mind and hurt my dd. Just writing that makes me want to cry. I despise thinking that. I would sooner kill myself than hurt my kids (no, I'm not suicidal, I have no plans to kill myself or anything like that).

What is wrong with me? I am so scared all of a sudden that I'm going to hurt my dd. I don't want to end up like that woman who was recently in the news. Would I know if I was going to lose it? My therapist told me that he would be worried about me if I wasn't scared and sickened by those thoughts. I don't feel depressed or anything, maybe a little overwhelmed. Am I losing it??

Please, any thoughts would be very much appreciated.

btw, I see my psychiatrist this coming Monday for a med review (I think that's what it's called).

[gilnikche]

Jessica,

I could have written your post (except I have 4 kids). I am also taking Zoloft. I really think you should call your doctor today about increasing your dosage. Until I reached the necessary therapeutic dosage; I felt as if I was losing my mind.

Another thing; do you have any help at all? Friends or relatives that would come over with meals, throw in some laundry, vacuum, etc... Even just someone to chat with.

**If you are interested; here are some of my past posts on Zoloft.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...searchid=59852

Gotta run now, but I will check back tonight.

[catlvr976]

I called to make an appt with my therapist, but found out he no longer works there. I will hopefully hear from someone tomorrow.

The funny thing is, I was doing ok on the zoloft until just recently, it seems.

My mom encourages me to ask for help, and to take time for myself; I just have a hard time doing so. I have this notion in my head that these are MY kids, I wanted them, they are my responsibility; I'm not supposed to hand them over to my mom or grandpap to watch. Like I don't think it's fair to them as they've raised kids and shouldn't have to do it all over again. My mom told me that she loves having them and anyway, they're not "raising" them, I am. I don't know, I guess it's my own strange way of thinking.

My mom raised 4 kids, too (on her own, I might add). I really should start listening to her better and take her advice. She always tells me that I shouldn't feel bad about needing a break, pretty much EVERY mom needs one.

I also am starting to notice that I'm beginning to resent my husband (again) because ever since Gwen was born, he's been out every Sat night (he's into wrestling like WWE and puts on shows ). It starts getting to me after a while, like his life hasn't changed at all. KWIM?

Thanks for letting me ramble.

[zenfulmama]

I felt this same anger toward my son who was two (25 months old) when my second son was born. I'm not on meds...however, I've talked to other mothers who felt this way (crazy, angry, violent) as well. I believe the anger is from a combo of raw nerves, hormones, less sleep, adjusting, adjusting, adjusting. Sometimes, I had to take my youngest and go into his room and shut the door and lock it...it broke my heart, and it broke my eldest's sons too. He would beat at the door and cry. I would stand in there and rock, and cry for a few minutes, suck it up, and let him in, and try my hardest to comfort both of them. But, taking that time--it was better than lashing out at him when he didn't deserve it. This intense angry period slowly dissipated...I fell back in love with my eldest, and now it all seems so so crazy. I honestly think that this is normal what you are going through. When the anger hits remove yourself, if possible, from the situation. Run to the next room, go get a glass of water and breathe. Start singing jingle bells really loudly and clapping, divert attention. do whatever it takes. What helped me the most was talking to a very close friend about my honest feelings, reconecting wiht my son by doing little things together when dh came home. And really, I would put my foot down about the WWF thing with your DH, Or at least trade off--Go for a massage pronto whilst he takes care of the little darlings...This too shall pass...

[pilesoflaundry]

I understand the feelings, the anger is mostly directed at my 6 year old. He is my most difficult child. I hate the anger and how it makes me feel and I hate the frustration and guilt that come with me being angry at him. I'm not on meds but I have done counseling in the past. I don't have the time for me to go anymore and that is the problem. I can't get time to myself and I'm losing it.

[danzarooni]

I'm on wellbutrin xl 300mg and I feel the same. Tho my kids are 19m and 3.5 and neither nurse any more so the wellbutrin is safe for me to take. I have been searching for a good place to post and didn't want to post here since many know me in the cd forums but it seems there arent any other "hopping" ppd boards. I have very little help, I never seem to get out and get time to myself, my dh is in school and works full time. I have not yet felt like hurting my kids but I am so mad at them for everything lately. dh too. even when he actually takes the time to try to help. I am just so mad at the world and i have never been like this before in my life and i hate myself like this. I cant seem to do anything get, eget anything worthwhile done and I just feel like total crap
at least we're all losiong it together, huh? :cry

[GoldBerry]

Oh, the anger..."You're like a volcano," my 4 year old said to me once. Yes, I thought, a volcano with toxic lava. For me, getting more sleep and a bit of exercise has helped a lot.

Take your Mom up on her offer to help! There have been many times I wished I had my Mama's help, but she is on the other side of the country.

It will get better!

[gilnikche]

Jessica,

How are you doing?