Any ideas for help?

[aira]

Wow! I came here thinking I might post about opinions on whether I might have PPD, but I just took the quiz. 77!

So now, what do I do?

DS just turned 1 year, and I've been pretty sure depression has been sneaking up on me - such is it's nature in my experience. In the past, when I realized it, I start St. John's Wort and things get better. I think I've been denying how I feel since I can't do that now, and don't want a pharmaceutical option. And I can't stand the idea of sifting through a million therapists to find a competent one! (Yes, I'm a therapy snob!)

A little backstory:

Had a car accident while 8 mo pg in which I got a hip injury and DS got injured jaw.

Excrutating labor (hip could not open) and c-sect, several subsequent infections lasting months.

DS couldn't latch, so full-time pumping. (Had so sup with formula - YUCK!)

Whole family got RSV 2 mo PP - I followed with broncitis.

Hip injury had me bed-ridden unable to move at all for 3 weeks 6 mo PP. Milk supply plummeted.

Continuing struggles to keep up milk due to supression from constant hip pain, but finally had no more by 10 mo PP.

Still can't give up the idea that I can get my milk back, even though I can't seem to bring myself to actually take the herbs and PUMP anymore! I'm just so tired.

SO: I have constant thoughts of my husband and baby getting injured or dying - not that I do it, but weird fears pop into my head unexpectedly. When I heard of the recent story of the mother in Dallas who butchered her baby (same age as mine) I came unglued.

I feel like hell, I look like hell, can't get out of the pumping limbo, I feel like a failure, I hurt, I'm angry at the bastard who caused the car accident, I cry at the drop of a hat, and I see no way of having a life again. My DH is a good soul who thinks he can talk me out of it. (He doesn't understand depression at all.) That makes me feel more hopeless.

Most of my other family says things like: I took care of my children without help, why can't you? Like the past year has been a typical new-mother experience!

Most recently, I'm having spurts of anger/frustration. Nothing new to me, but I've never boiled over while holding my child before! I wasn't frustrated AT him, but I threw something while holding him and scared him! I knew then that I was losing it, so I put him in the P&P (I never do that, so he was appalled), went into my bedroom, closed the door and threw things. I made a 1" divet in the linoleum in my bathroom and ruined a wall. I dread explaining that to DH! I'm scared that I am capable of that, and I'm scared that that's what I've been supressing.

Any thoughts or suggestions??

TIA...

[tessamami]

Call the BEST counselor ever

Klaus, M.F.T., C.S.W. Phyllis

657 Creston Road

Berkeley, CA 94708 USA

Work: 510 559-8000 Fax: [phone] Email: [e-mail]

Psychotherapist, Counselor, Doula, Group Facilitator, Mental Health Specialist, Writer, Teacher-Workshop Trainer & Leader

She wrote the book on this (and her husband is pretty cool, too)

[MsMoMpls]

Sweetheart- you are in rough shape and no wonder. It does sound like PPD plus the impact of a tough birth experience and the chronic pain issue from the accident. Even as a absolutely fabulous therapist (and a therapy snob myself) I am not sure that therapy is really the answer right now. You know why you feel so terrible, you are wiped out. The depression is now very neurobiological. It would be like talking about the flu- you might get some support, but not likely to get over the illness. It sounds like you don't want to hear this but think about meds. Especially as worn down as your body is. If people don't want meds then they have to exercise daily (doesnt sound likely for you) and watch their diet, maybe look into taking Omega 3s, and get a great deal of family support (also doesn't sound promising).

If the world wasn't so upside down, being a mommy would be the most treasured role in society and all the resources would be directed at helping us be successful. Then you would get lots more help, lots more gentalness. But... no go. You have to make sure you get as much as possible. The anger and worries are not a good sign. I know you wouldn't hurt anyone, but you are hurting yourself. The most dangerous thing is starting to doubt your ability to mother well. Don't go there. At least call your doctor and talk about how you have been feeling. Also check out postpartum dot net for support in your area and ideas about self care. Hang in there. Feel free to PM if you need support or keep hanging out here. Lots of mommies have been through this.

[aira]

Thank you so much for the ideas... I think you're right that talking won't get me very far. I alluded to my history with depression, but not in detail. When I was 19-20 I was on prozac and with a good therapist. short version: I had the somewhat rare reaction of blinding rage. It was a good tool for me to unearth childhood abuses and my feelings about that in the context of therapy, but I didn't have the "happy" effect that most people do from anti-depressants. After the rage waned and I processed some of it, I felt very much like the meds were creating a different person. So that's what I'm afraid of. I stopped them and eventually found a great integrative therapist. Having experience digging out of that very deep hole, I have since been able to catch "the blues" early on and use St. John's Wort with good success. But it seems to be incompatible with BF. But should I give up my hopes of getting my milk back and just try? Am I just too fatigued to keep up the pumping?

I should also point out that I actually have a wonderful family in that they are willing to help with child care a lot more than most. But my mom is caring full-time for her invalid husband and elderly mother. Her life is chaos. MIL and I get along well and she is excellent with DS, but she's a psychological mess herself.

DH is actually very supportive, does hours of housework at night without complaint after hours in his office. He just thinks that if he reminds me about all the good around us I will just feel better.

Having all the help I do makes me feel even more guilty. (Weird, huh?) But I know it's how I've gotten by this long without collapsing.

I did talk to DH today about this. He surprised me when I mentioned that I think I need help by saying that he will find whoever is the best. So I'm beginning to see hope, and that's so important.

I will contact some of the organizations listed here. Thank you all again for the care! I'm realizing now that I've needed support more than I let myself believe!

[Teensy]

Just wanted to add a contact in my area (Charleston, SC)

http://www.ppdsupport.org/

They might be able to point you to an appropriate resource in your area.

[kaydee]

I called PostPartum Support International to get the name of counselors (and to cry a bit to someone who had been there!). Go to: http://www.postpartum.net/ or call voice: 805.967.7636

[Oh the Irony]

Hugs to you.

You've gotten some great links and words of wisdom from MsMoMpls.

Baby just woke up so I got to be quick.

The Mood Cure by Julia Ross--I highly recommend. Amino acids, gotta go

[jstar]

awww mama. you're doing the right thing....looking to do something about it. you have definitely had too much handed to you

i think you should give up pumping (or you did already at 10 mos?). take that pressure off yourself. don't worry about your milk~let it go. you are AWESOME for pumping that long. your ds is old enough to drink cow's milk now and you could start phasing it in. do you do 1/2 formula 1/2 cows milk bottles? all formula? i'm sure cows milk tastes yummier than formula

i was reading some ppd pages today and its reassuring to know the death and dying obsessions are pretty normal. (i guess normal isn't the word....common i should say). because its really freaky to have scary thoughts and not be able to stop it. i have developed some wierd phobias myself. i'm now scared of any kind of balcony and had a wierd freakout riding the escalators in a mall recently. i feel like a freak. its a drag. i have tried to put myself on a news hiatus which i am sort of sticking to (i'm still tempted to read headlines) and i didn't let myself read the article about the mom in dallas. even reading the headline stuck with me though. try to avoid the news. i just took the quiz and scored 41. reading more pages they actually recommended a news hiatus too. glad to see i was doing the right thing. i feel like i need to protect myself from negativity right now. i'm at the point where i know i have some ppd but don't want medication. i don't know if talk therapy would be helpful but maybe i should seek it


if you scored a 77 and are weaned from pumping you could definitely take something to help. think st johns wort would help you? think prozac would be a bummer? if i ever go on ssris again i think i'd go with zoloft. i have a depression history too so its no surprise to me i've been feeling the crazies.

good luck and hugs. tell your dh how you're feeling. i told my dh the other day i was feeling crazy and it was a bit of a burden lifted off me. i've been "keeping it all together" fine and i don't think he knew that i'm really not feeling like that on the inside

[sbgrace]

Sweetie, your post made me cry. I am sorry you are experiencing such pain and disappointment. The thoughts you are having are part of the illness. I want you to consider medication. I know you said you were against it but sometimes when a depression gets deep enough, it does affect your brain chemicals. I do not think therapy will be real effective until you can get yourself back to normal. If you try medication for 8 weeks or so (you have to stick with it for a while before you get better...don't get discouraged early on) I think you will be absolutely amazed at how much more like your self you feel. Anyway, zoloft is compatible with bfing...but that is something else I wanted to mention. As a fellow pumping mom who's birth experience, illness (myself and the boys) etc. just stacked the cards against breastfeeding--I know how depressing that is. It turned out so differently than I wanted it to for us also. I wanted to be one of those moms who bfs well past a year...and I weaned at 8 months. Similar to you, it is so hard to rebuild supply (even maintain) with pumping and when I lost supply I just couldn't rebuild so we weaned. It made me so sad--but now I've accepted it and am ok. It helped when I finally made the decision (well accepted it) that it was over. I was still sad, of course, but I know that the breastmilk I gave the boys was good for them (we supplemented also) and so much better than none at all--or if I had given up when we realized breastfeeding wasn't working. You made it 10 months and that is great. Please take that pressure off of yourself--you did great.

[boston]

aira, I could relate a lot to your post. I also had some pre-birth and post-birth injuries/truama, had to stop nursing, never got a latch & EP'ed, had complications & infections, and a supportive DH who didnt get it. I just want to add that, you can get out of this funk with the help of a good counselor and maybe meds. I recommend 5HTP, which you can get otc.

By the way, I'm fine now. it took about 8 months of zoloft/counseling to get my depression into "remission." And I had a "relapse" about a year ago and have been on 5htp ever since. I also want to add that you are not a failure for not nursing and not getting a latch. I SO know how this feels. All throughout my pregnancy I was gung-ho about nursing. I threw away formula that came in the mail and would come on here and rant about it. Having been in a similar situation to yours I know how dissapointing it is to have things not work out the way we'd planned. and I know that this is one site that will give you the most grief over ff, and that's unfortunate, esp when you're confused and grieving and depressed.

anyway, I think you are a GOOD mom for taking care of yourself. you are not a failure, you have survived a lot of really nasty things. and that is something to be proud of!! I hope that over the next few years you find peace with some of the things that went down. It really is tough. I know, I've been there. Good luck.

[aira]

Hi All,

So sorry I've been quiet for so long after posting... Whole family has been quite sick. I got the worst of it, ending up with (you won't believe this) a sinus infection, bronchitis, and 2 ear infections. All at the same time. I guess I've been pretty run down this year that I got this sick. I'm begining to see the light at the end though. Thank God DS has 2 good Grandmas to take care of him.

Sure hasn't helped the PPD, but I know I have a lot of recovering to do. I decided to shelve the hopes for pumping (had no other choice). If in a few months I feel on top of my game again and can try from a position of strength, I'll give re-lactating a good effort. If not, then I won't beat myself up.

Just a short update for now... I'll have more energy to chat further one of these days soon, I think!

Thanks for all the encouraging thoughts and words!! It's really nice to know I'm not the only worn-out mama out there!