or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › Internet Porn and teenage boys
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Internet Porn and teenage boys - Page 3

post #41 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by TenFedNed
If you _totally_ ban him from it, it will only increse his desire to get more. IMHO you should talk to him about it, and from that point just trust him and see if does that more rearly afterwards.
Dunno if that helps, but I tried
We went down that road four or five times. He just could not resist the porn.
post #42 of 59
Then you should ask the ISP to block the porn sites.
Maybe it would be a good idea to get him some books about puberty too.
post #43 of 59
Looking at porn is not "normaL" in the sense that all males do it. Boys in American society are bombarded with images of women being sexual in order for companies to profit off of our children. Boys are socialized from a very early age in this country to objectify women, it continues the patriarchal conditioning of this society. If looking at porn were just normal for men, then all cultures would have pictures of women to look at, either in the sand or done on a tree if there is no computer.

My point is: your son is going through puberty and beginning to have sexual feelings and of course this is normal, but looking at porn is only going to help him learn to objectify women. I am sure you have done an amazing job at trying to keep these images at a distance, this story only solidifies my belief how powerful the media is.

My suggestion would be to talk about why women are objectified in this country. Why he is being used for other people's profits, etc. Their is a good book about the negative effects of pornography called "The Centerfold Syndrome". I would recommend it.

Good luck to you.
post #44 of 59

Sexuality and Spirituality and Porn

We live in interesting times, no doubt of that. South Park, a show most AP parents dislike and I usually find offensive had a very good episode about the effects of Porn. THe power of porn was likened to the power of the ring in Lord of the Rings and everywhere a certain video tape went that the main characters thought was a copy of LOTR, destruction followed.

It is easy to say, just like anything else with parenting that if we would just do this or that our child will be fine, not objectify the opposite sex and be in a healthy relationship and their lives not consumed by abject fantasy, so they are non-productive people. This is not true or there would not be such heartfelt discussion going on here on this board. I commend your courage, Over the Water.
It is important to keep in mind all the "History of Sex" of humans in general, along with our personal experiences of it. In fact, I highly recommend the "History of Sex" video set. It didn't do anything for people of those eras either to be trapped by sex urges to the point where there society degraded and fell. In fact, any desire we have, over-indulged in can lead us astray yet at the same time our desires drive us to live and make art, and the most out of our lives. Many people spend the same amount of time addicted to other things but they are nto sexual and are just as bad.
Often people use religion to keep their urges at bay. I go along with Frank Herbert's idea that religion has used the power of our sex drives to accomplish its own aims. Some of us hope that by knowing our urges we will overcome them or control them to the extent we will have fulfilling lives.
Human beings are sexual athletes, and part of our primary drive in living is to produce more offspring. The "Human Body" IMAX film version talks about this history as well.

Porn plays out not just sex fantasies, but sex roles and psychological issues. The bondage issues. The submissive woman the dominant male(s) is not necessarily considered s&m but dom fem always is. We live in a world where the vast majority still practice religions that, whatever their followers may say, puts women in the submissive role as they are the perpetual reason for man's supposed downfall from Utopia. We have "mother goddess" religions and feminine spirituality on the rise even as violence against women rises in areas such as porn by those who want to keep this submission in play. These people cannot see there NOT being a submissive sex, or a submissive being to God relationship.


One of porn's most detrimental things is that it does not just objectify women or men, but that a person is utterly removed from the fact that human life is meant to be created by the sex act. When you add that in to the porn factor, and multiple partners you start wondering what sort of parents would create life in thsi way. With or with out birth control the fact of the matter is that sex is while pleasurable meant to help (women especially) forget how painful the actual birth process can be (That Human Body movie talks about this)-- that in creating and bearing another life we run the risk of losing our own -- yet is a risk we take hopefully for love.

Women who employ themselves in sex trade businesses seeking to control or make a buck from the established paradigm claiming it hurts no one only fulfill the role designated for them by those who want to prove women are a lesser class spiritually, mentally and morally.

When young children seek out porn at first out of curiosity and then because they furtively desire to see these things, they are being sexualized at a young age to the point where they can think of nothing else, their child minds are incapable of dealing with strong emotions that come with sex drives. It is reprehensible that these marketer's act in such ways. Children of course, love roleplaying and porn has an endless amount of that.

I had a difficult experience with porn growing up in the early stages of puberty because I didn't want an invasive parent controlling even my sexuality; porn seems to offer a furtuve freedom but it is by no means real and will never ever teach a child or teen how to have wholesome relationships. As a teen I remember converting to a fundamentalist religion thinking porn and sexuality were a sin, and that religion was the only way to get a hold on my urges. In the long run, I had to come to terms with my own sexuality, and to finally accept the human female body as having divine spirituality, as well as the male body, for the men in pronography are usually very sleazy with the exception of the "virgin" guy who goes to prostitues for the first time or whatnot. You can get over porn male or female.

I think Porn is just as devastating to male psyches as females if you think Porn in any way accurately pictures the male sex. And the hate! The self-hate can be so horrible, feeling a lack of control and thinking you're a disgusting person for indulging init -- a vicious cycle like most addictions. This can be because you feel like you are turning into aperson you were taught to despise. Unfortunatley, if your parents are divorced you are especially vulnerable, and the construction trades are still especially vulnerable to chauvinism.
I strongly urge a reading of Frank Herbert's Dune series. A long post but I had to put it all out here.
post #45 of 59

Sexuality and Spirituality and Porn

long post but I had to put it all out here! I also agree with paganmomma that "Porn" is not the norm just because so many view it.
post #46 of 59
I agree
post #47 of 59
I really disagree with the general tone of this thread. I'm sorry for everyone's pain, your anguish is real, but I think you're kidding yourselves.

It reminds me of the posts I've seen about sugar in children - oh no, my kid's never going to eat sugar, no no no!!!

You guys don't have TV, no magazines, just listen to NPR? Are you raising them in a bubble somewhere? And then you say you're teaching them to be open about sex? I don't think so. I think you're teaching your kids to fear the rest of the world. And we're always fascinated by what we fear.

The world is a horny place! If it wasn't for porn, the Internet wouldn't have become so easy & fun to use - what do you think drove its development? And not all porn is bad.

It's hard to accept our children's sexuality, and even more difficult to teach them to make good choices. But pretending the world doesn't exist isn't going to help them navigate more effectively.
post #48 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeezerMom
I really disagree with the general tone of this thread. I'm sorry for everyone's pain, your anguish is real, but I think you're kidding yourselves.It reminds me of the posts I've seen about sugar in children - oh no, my kid's never going to eat sugar, no no no!!!
You guys don't have TV, no magazines, just listen to NPR? Are you raising them in a bubble somewhere? And then you say you're teaching them to be open about sex? I don't think so. I think you're teaching your kids to fear the rest of the world. And we're always fascinated by what we fear.
The world is a horny place! If it wasn't for porn, the Internet wouldn't have become so easy & fun to use - what do you think drove its development? And not all porn is bad.
Alot of what you say is valid. I like the sugar simile/metaphor. Sugar is in fruit and almost everything. Pretty hard to avoid; just like our sexualities are an important part of us, our souls, who we are as humans. Of course people are "horny" it;s paert of the human drive -- and it is a powerful force as I;ve stated, a powerful force manipulated for millenia by religions and politics for uses by those ruling classes.

Just because a lot of people are doing something means it's good for humanity as a whole. I don't think the rest of the world is all porn! NPR is pretty open about sex. I guess it depends on your town though. I think it;s important to have a healthy attitude about sex and hey, maybe a kid will look at porn out of curiosity, sure.

But do you acknowledge pron can have detrimental affects at all? I mean people who can't stop looking at porn and so they live in a subsistent existence? Is it fun and games for children to see women or men are beaten and raped/sodomized with ir without objects even if it is between mutually consenting adults? I say no.

Children getting ahold of this -- hopefully they have a loving family that can help, but it's riiculous to say watching porn frequently has no detrimental effects on the young. It all goes back to tv aarguments as well, I guess. Yes young people have their own sexualites and that is a private matter for them. But all our sexual activities become public when their actions have public consequences; when we are parents or an std is contracted or there's abortion -- and the taxes have to pay for it or society pays for it.

And I don't think people know the full price. Porn can release a dark sexual side as well as being a lighthearted bawdy romp. I don't think most young people are prepared for these complexities and nor are most adults, because most are still in these submission/dominant roles even in their everyday lives. To say that it is just a phase is a serious understatment. I don't think the internet is purely driven by porn. That may be a part of it, but people want information, intel and that drives the computer as well.

Also, people have different personalities. An idealist would certainly be affected differently by porn then a sensationalist or a guardian type, and that holds true for teens. I have said my piece for now.
post #49 of 59
I don't disagree with what you're saying, I just think that human beings are complex creatures. We all have our dark side, our potential for evil. The trick is to tame it gently, not fear or try to eradicate it.

Ignoring sexual curiosity and urges won't make them go away. I won't make it easy for my kids to get access to porn, but neither will I feel ashamed of their blossoming sexuality. I'll probably follow up their sex talk by loaning them my copy of "The Joy of Sex", where the drawings are sufficiently clinical to gross out most kids. And if I find "dirty magazines" hidden in their rooms, then hidden they shall stay.

When I was 9, I found my dad's collection of Playboy magazines, boxes & boxes of them stashed in the spare bedroom closet. I didn't quite understand what was going on, but knew there had to be something good. So for a few days I'd sneak into the room & close the door & stare at the pictures, trying to figure it out.

And know what happened next?

I got bored...and started putting them in chronological order! One day my Mom walked in & found me with Playboy magazines spread all over the room! She about keeled over.

So we had "the talk" and that was that, no obsession followed.
post #50 of 59
I am a dad trying to raise a son, in a sex-saturated culture. Some of the sexual expressions that bombard our family are helpful, some are incidental, and some are harmful.

Our strategy with our kids is to freak out at nothing, and to teach legitimate ways to be sexual and sexy. This does not include porn.

Using porn seems similar to drowning puppies for sport. Most don't think about it, some find it thrilling, others are revolted at the cruelty. Like drowning puppies, porn feeds the dark side {Luke}.

Here's my personal story. I'm a sex addict since age 10 or so. Continual fantasy, masturbation, and all the porn I could get. I should point out however, that my sex addiction is not about the porn - it's about the person. If I couldn't find a playboy, a sears catalog would work in a pinch.

But that's not to say one was as good as the other. Not by a long shot.

I cannot over-estimate the shaping effect that Heffner had on my view of the world. I've trained myself to see women as sexual objects, among other handicaps. But I must agree the years of self-loathing were the worst. Though I suppose that comes with all compulsive behaviour - doing what one doesn't really want to do can tear up a human heart!

Instead of protecting me from the encouragement that porn gave to my natural bent, my parents kept it in the house. If they put it on the coffee table instead of in the closet, maybe I wouldn't have found it so appealing. But since I was an addict for 2 years before finding any porn, I don't think it would have made any difference where it was located.

I've been in recovery since age 26. The men and women I've met through Sexaholics Anonymous have found different things that work. In many cases that includes throwing away the computer and the TV.

End of personal story - sorry that so disjointed. I rarely talk about it.

Back to the topic at hand (yuk, yuk, yuk). When I find my son viewing porn the first 10 times, I'll assume it's natural curiosity. But at some point I'm going to start wondering if he inherited his dad's problems. I've read repeatedly that sexual addiction is on the rise, and I don't doubt it just based on availability.

Is your son an addict, or is he normal? You may not know till he's forty years old. What can you do in the meantime to ensure him the best chance at remaining normal or not spiraling down in an addiction?

PS. I use www.covenanteyes.com on my PC. It doesn't block anything, but it give me and my partner something to talk about since it keeps a detailed record of where I go online. $7 per month?
post #51 of 59
GeezerMom - thank God you came to this thread.
And although you pretty much summed it up, I wanted to correct an assumption mentioned here. Porn is in EVERY culture, not just American. It is different, depending upon taste and culture, but it is everywhere. Check out some Indian religion, for a good starting point. We're talking full spread detail, folk. Tantra is a religious practise that reveres sex for its spirituality. Check out the Goddess worship of old, next. Check out the European paintings throughout history. Non-civilized tribal sculptures - I think the men were dreaming the members were so big on those sculptures!!

Just because one finds a particular display of sexual art tasteful (such as a Rembrandt), doesn't make it less "naked" or less "sexual". Everyone draws their own lines. Just because one has their own particular line drawn - perhaps at say, penetration photos - doesn't make one more or less moral or a better or worse parent.

In summary, American culture has dubbed sexual film and photos "porn" and anything outside of that is "tasteful erotica". That is ridiculous. Sex is sex, and there are some strange positions out there that look fairly frightful in action, but it's still sex.
Quote:
Looking at porn is not "normaL" in the sense that all males do it.
To say that looking at porn is not normal is, well, I can't think of what that is. What one considers porn is another's "tasteful erotica". Whether a man/boy looks at naked men, women, couples or groups in some sexual situation or simply for the beauty and sensuality of the naked form is completely normal, and I challenge anyone to show me one man in his 70's or older who has not indulged in said at some point in his life - and I do mean one honest man.
post #52 of 59
To me the disgusting thing about porn is the money.

Why not discuss with your teenager how pornography is made?
post #53 of 59
paperbag I think that addictions are addictions, and porn is porn, and they're not necessarily linked. People become addicted to just about anything; banning the object of their addiction isn't the answer. Congratulations on your recovery & best wishes.

Thanks, Calm!.
post #54 of 59
Quote:
they're not necessarily linked. People become addicted to just about anything;
True that! I didn't mean to imply all use of porn = addiction, or that the OP's son is an addict. Only that porn addiction is life-devastating and on the rise. Many users of porn are addicted, or will become addicted.

Quote:
banning the object of their addiction isn't the answer.
What is?

Quote:
Congratulations on your recovery & best wishes.
Thanks.
post #55 of 59
If I knew the answer, boy oh boy, I'd be one wealthy lady!
post #56 of 59
Compulsive behavior can be a sickness, such as eating, sex, internet surfing and shopping for instance. Not many people get compulsive about gutter sweeping, it's usually something pleasurable. If someone gets compulsive about washing things, or gutter sweeping or other unpleasurable activities, it is then called OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). If it is a pleasurable activity, we call it an addiction. Addiction is the wrong word for those things, however. Compulsion is better. I believe there are various therapies to treat compulsions, at least they try to. It is about treating the individual and their deep seated emotions/preconceived ideas that lead them to compulsive behavior.

I wouldn't recommend therapy for the children in this thread, however. Treatment is for things that are outside the norm, not something that the majority does. Children discovering their sexuality as puberty blossoms is beautiful and normal, not reason for therapy. My mother raised four boys, and she allowed their privacy about matters such as porn and sexuality, as early as their biology demanded. Not one of them has a sexual problem or a sexual compulsion. And not one of them have any kind of porn compulsion. The only people we have witnessed with porn/sex problems have been abused for said, or made to feel ashamed at an early age.

Text book stuff, really.
post #57 of 59
Quote:
The only people we have witnessed with porn/sex problems have been abused for said, or made to feel ashamed at an early age.
There have actually been times I've wished I fit into one of those categories so I could come up with a stronger 'reason' for my compulsion.

Porn may be inside the norm, but it is outside the normative. How did open-mindedness about human sexuality and acceptance of a strong sex drive get linked to acceptance of porn?

Not all expressions of sexuality are legitimate. And porn is found in every culture - so what? Many harmful things are.

In my opinion there is not an answer to sexual addiction any more than there is an answer to ladybugs. Doing things against our own desires is just part of some lives and can be accepted and worked through (or ignored).

I've seen friends and acquaintances make progress by doing many different things: throwing away the PC, monitoring the PC, joining a church, leaving a church, admitting powerlessness, finding personal power, changing friends, the list goes on.

I've reflected on what purpose porn served for me as a teenager, and I think it was my #1 coping mechanism to deal with stress. If I had been channeled to something else (exercise, science experiments, ?) my reliance on fantasy and masturbation would maybe have lessened.

In a case where an otherwise healthy teen uses porn occasionally I'd look at it as a non-issue. It certainly wasn't like that for me, and based on what I've learned over time, doesn't seem like that for about 20% (and growing) of porn users.

I get a lot out of straightforward discussion and opposing viewpoints. However I don't want to divert the thread into all the reasons I think porn is hurtful, or my personal sob story, or anything else. Am I still on track?
post #58 of 59
Paperbag
Thank you. I'm sorry you had to deal with all that.

I don't think you are off track, but that's just my opinion. I think this helps any readers including the OP to balance the whole thing. Posts like mine and yours (and all others, of course) help create that balance.

Porn can definitely be hurtful, in the same manner that eating can be. And I don't mean that in a sarcastic way. But there are people dying from obesity out there, because of compulsion. Compulsion is the killer, not the expression of the compulsion. Food occupies the every waking thought for those with eating disorders, from anorexia to obesity. Porn occupies the same mind space and time for those with a fixation on it.

There are many stories of those with a certain compulsion who cure it, only to find themselves gambling their life away. These stories show a trend of the person to compulsion itself. Like the addict who gives up heroin for methodone, tries to get off the methodone program and ends up an alcoholic. Like someone I know. Whenever he then tried to give up alcohol, he slashed himself. This was also a compulsion. Which would lead one into a theory that addiction is a byproduct of compulsion itself. Yet, there are exceptions to those, there are always exceptions. But that's just me philosophizing again. Is that even a word? Anyway, I'll go now, and let this thread get back on track...

ETA - apparently certain serial killers admitted to being warped by scary porn at a very young age. Like snuff pornography, and other horrific stuff. I just wanted to mention that, as there is porn and then there is : IYKWIM.
post #59 of 59
Ok, let's place this in perspective. I hope I dont' sound harsh with what I am about to say... He is 13 and curious! You mean at 13 if you or your husband had access to a playboy/playgirl you wouldn't have looked? I sure would have! And I bet $200 your husband would have also.

It is normal and natural to be curious, same as it is normal and natural to masterbate, fantasize, or wish to view members of the opposite sex (or same) in the nude or in sexually provacative situations.

It would be a very poor choice to make him feel guilty about sexuality. He lied because he felt he had to, because of how angry you would have been. While the lying isn't acceptable, I am sure his fear of your wrath was his personal justification at the moment when he lied to cover himself.

While you may be disappointed that he broke the rules, would you be as equally disappointed if he broke the rules about staying out to late and lied about it? I doubt it. So why would breaking the rules about sex bring any harsher of a punishment?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Preteens and Teens
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › Internet Porn and teenage boys