This started out as a pm to a depressed mama, answering her list of questions so it's scattered. When I was finished I realized maybe it could help other mamas so here goes.
HI again
I'm so anti med, but PPD took so much away from us, and I hear stories that it clears up some women so well........that if I birth again I will consider taking meds.
I refused antidepressants, but I did EVERYTHING else. Thousands of $ of testing. Discovered heavy metal poisoning, amino acid deficencies, dhea deficency, hormone levels were clinically normal but added natural progesterone with EXCELLENT results. Yes 5-HTP I take. Also, Sam-E. Lots of B vitamins extra B12 (really important). The essential fatty acids EPO AND EFA(they cover different needs) I was mostly vegetarian and regret it. I believe it contributed dramatically as I improved dramatically going back on meat. Am I repeating myself? I don't know what I'd have done if someone could have told me it was gonna last 16 months. I could not have handled it.
When baby was a few weeks old I had an abcessed tooth required taking percocet for a few days for pain. When I came off the narcotic, I had a terrible buzzing/ringing in my brain that I couldn't quiet.I wanted to blame it on narcotics, they say women who recieve narcs. have a higher rate of depression. Why do we offer them? HELLO!!! I could not concentrate to read or follow discussion on radio. Could not intellectualize with dh. Kinda brain dead. I became dyslexic. Turned road signs all around. Didn't care about spelling and I'm normally an excellent speller. When I walked past the microwave or knife rack I would obsess about knives hurting my baby, or the microwave could hurt her, not that I would hurt her, but I was" over alert" to dangers. I later read this is partly normal mammal behavior, called "frequent checking of the nest" we are supposed to be alert to dangers but with anxiety part of PPD we go overboard. I was insecure, jealous, about dh, suspicious. VERRRY low self esteem worthless feelings. Fat ugly, bad mom, unlovable, I had incredible neck tension dh would point out, I was completely unaware of it and could NOT let go. My house was spotless my baby was perfect. I was cooking gourmet meals and never tired. Lost all my weight immediatly. Back on now. And the wierd paradox of madly in love with dh. NO money worries. Very sensitive, loving, supportive, communicative, counselor type guy, only works 3 days a week. I have 3 grown kids 22, 18 and 16 at the time. I have a charmed life. PPD is very complex, many factors...but thats good news cause there are many avenues to help heal. Nutrition, counseling, supplements, meds, exercise, journaling was good for me in the later healing months I did lots of therapy, and it was so hard to admit "mental illness" it is such a stigma. But it's illness and it's the brain. And it's sooo common.Nobody talks about it much. Kinda like menopause. It's just coming out of the closet. The recovery was very gradual. I remember waiting for months, thinking I was better. Waiting to hear dh say"yes baby, I think it's gone now" and he couldn't/wouldn't. I would get so angry. I was afraid cause my mom who I divorced is crazy. I dont wanna be crazy. It was sooo slow. WAAAY too long. One day last summer I realized I don't turn letters around any more. I can spell again. I recognize when I feel insecure and can ask myself what I need. I learned so much about taking care of myself in therapy. That is something I have never done. I am a caretaker and always put myself last, and I believe THIS TOO is part of PPD. Started with low self esteem but didn't really know it. Counseling revealed alot, but I realize good counselors are hard to find and I suggest great care in finding one. Even though I am 45 I really wanted anotherbaby. To raise Chloe with a sibling her age. Like my other kids had each other. Now we are very scared, not just because I am higher risk for baby problems but scared of PPD. Thats why I say I would take meds next time if they help.....but I would also do all the other stuff. I go to PPD group now even though I'm better, 1)cause I wanna help other moms 2) cause I'm reminded what I have to do to take care of myself.
Also, I had left a full time career. All my friends are single moms with older kids who pretty much abandoned me with a baby, we had so little in common. So I also was suffering a major life transition without any support except dh and my kids, it was very sad.. I am a midwife and a nurse and dh is a doctor, so we had very high expectations of ourselves. Everyone kept telling me how great we all looked. The embarrassment and shameful feelings made it even harder to get support cause we looked great on the outside. My heart goes out to you. Please reach out, tell people, ask for help, be easy on yourself. Treat yourself like you would have treated me if you had known what I was going through. Talk about the shame so its not controlling you from the inside. Get out and walk and talk. Find a friend who will listen, if your old friends aren't there for you, get some new ones.
Bless You all
HI again
I'm so anti med, but PPD took so much away from us, and I hear stories that it clears up some women so well........that if I birth again I will consider taking meds.
I refused antidepressants, but I did EVERYTHING else. Thousands of $ of testing. Discovered heavy metal poisoning, amino acid deficencies, dhea deficency, hormone levels were clinically normal but added natural progesterone with EXCELLENT results. Yes 5-HTP I take. Also, Sam-E. Lots of B vitamins extra B12 (really important). The essential fatty acids EPO AND EFA(they cover different needs) I was mostly vegetarian and regret it. I believe it contributed dramatically as I improved dramatically going back on meat. Am I repeating myself? I don't know what I'd have done if someone could have told me it was gonna last 16 months. I could not have handled it.
When baby was a few weeks old I had an abcessed tooth required taking percocet for a few days for pain. When I came off the narcotic, I had a terrible buzzing/ringing in my brain that I couldn't quiet.I wanted to blame it on narcotics, they say women who recieve narcs. have a higher rate of depression. Why do we offer them? HELLO!!! I could not concentrate to read or follow discussion on radio. Could not intellectualize with dh. Kinda brain dead. I became dyslexic. Turned road signs all around. Didn't care about spelling and I'm normally an excellent speller. When I walked past the microwave or knife rack I would obsess about knives hurting my baby, or the microwave could hurt her, not that I would hurt her, but I was" over alert" to dangers. I later read this is partly normal mammal behavior, called "frequent checking of the nest" we are supposed to be alert to dangers but with anxiety part of PPD we go overboard. I was insecure, jealous, about dh, suspicious. VERRRY low self esteem worthless feelings. Fat ugly, bad mom, unlovable, I had incredible neck tension dh would point out, I was completely unaware of it and could NOT let go. My house was spotless my baby was perfect. I was cooking gourmet meals and never tired. Lost all my weight immediatly. Back on now. And the wierd paradox of madly in love with dh. NO money worries. Very sensitive, loving, supportive, communicative, counselor type guy, only works 3 days a week. I have 3 grown kids 22, 18 and 16 at the time. I have a charmed life. PPD is very complex, many factors...but thats good news cause there are many avenues to help heal. Nutrition, counseling, supplements, meds, exercise, journaling was good for me in the later healing months I did lots of therapy, and it was so hard to admit "mental illness" it is such a stigma. But it's illness and it's the brain. And it's sooo common.Nobody talks about it much. Kinda like menopause. It's just coming out of the closet. The recovery was very gradual. I remember waiting for months, thinking I was better. Waiting to hear dh say"yes baby, I think it's gone now" and he couldn't/wouldn't. I would get so angry. I was afraid cause my mom who I divorced is crazy. I dont wanna be crazy. It was sooo slow. WAAAY too long. One day last summer I realized I don't turn letters around any more. I can spell again. I recognize when I feel insecure and can ask myself what I need. I learned so much about taking care of myself in therapy. That is something I have never done. I am a caretaker and always put myself last, and I believe THIS TOO is part of PPD. Started with low self esteem but didn't really know it. Counseling revealed alot, but I realize good counselors are hard to find and I suggest great care in finding one. Even though I am 45 I really wanted anotherbaby. To raise Chloe with a sibling her age. Like my other kids had each other. Now we are very scared, not just because I am higher risk for baby problems but scared of PPD. Thats why I say I would take meds next time if they help.....but I would also do all the other stuff. I go to PPD group now even though I'm better, 1)cause I wanna help other moms 2) cause I'm reminded what I have to do to take care of myself.
Also, I had left a full time career. All my friends are single moms with older kids who pretty much abandoned me with a baby, we had so little in common. So I also was suffering a major life transition without any support except dh and my kids, it was very sad.. I am a midwife and a nurse and dh is a doctor, so we had very high expectations of ourselves. Everyone kept telling me how great we all looked. The embarrassment and shameful feelings made it even harder to get support cause we looked great on the outside. My heart goes out to you. Please reach out, tell people, ask for help, be easy on yourself. Treat yourself like you would have treated me if you had known what I was going through. Talk about the shame so its not controlling you from the inside. Get out and walk and talk. Find a friend who will listen, if your old friends aren't there for you, get some new ones.
Bless You all
