Private school vs. Homeschool (x post in desperation)

[lovelee]

I'm not really sure where to put this post

We have been homeschooling since kindergarten (last year) and did first grade this year. However my husband and I decided to put her in a private christian school after Christmas break, so she is scheduled to start tomorrow.

I don't know how to feel, I've had a HORRIBLE time trying to process all my feelings concerning homeschooling and school.

I need to start by saying that my MAIN reason for "wanting" to homeschool is simply just to be with her (them). I like being with my kids (6, 3 and 8 mo.)and can't imagine them being gone all day!! However, I do not have a strong desire to be their "teacher". I also do not necessarily feel comfortable with the unschooling approach hence my delima. We get "on track" and do a couple of weeks of "school" which she does love (and always shows amazing prgress), but with proding (which I HATE).

I don't know if my problem is a "control issue", or if I'm being overly controling, or if I'm just holding on too tight. I don't want to smother them.

The other thing that bothers me is that weve never really fit into our local homeschool group and so I don't have any support and she doesn't really have any friends. She is a SUPER social person and complains to me all the time about not being able to be around any kids.

When we are all with each other ALL day every day then we are fighting. I also don't want all our memories of school at home to be negative.

I intend to do all these great "schooling" opportunities like go to the nature centers and the homeschooing field trips, but we just never get to it. Sometimes I feel like I'm holding her back by homeschooling her, that I don't give her what she needs. I find myself making excuses becuse of having a baby around. However I'm not the first person to have a baby and homeschool, so then I feel like I'm just making excuses and being lazy.

My husband is fine either way and supports me in whatever "I" decide, however the main educating responcabilities are mine, so he has left it up to me to make the final decision. He does have a preference to school though.

BUT, when I think of her going to school tomorrow I feel like I'm having a panic attack. In my mind I'm saying, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it!"
I think of all the family experiences she'll miss, she plays with her baby sister all the time and I think of all the experiences in her life I'll miss, like writing a good "R" and her art pictures, etc...

I keep trying to tell myself it isn't final and forever and if it doesn't work out we can pull her out, but I don't think that will happen. She is SOOOO excited to start tomorrow and quite frankly I think she will love it. She went last week and met with her new teacher (who is wonderful) and she just can't wait to be there. I'm glad she's looking forward to it, and I don't want to impart my reservations on her (though I don't know how I'll take her with out sobbing). I don't want to loose her...

I don't know if my "feelings" are legitimate. If I really shouldn't go through with it, or if it's just "first day of school jitters" that I just need to deal with.
Any insight is greatly appreciated, I need it!!

[SeekingSimplicity]

I homeschooled my daughter through Kindergarten and we decided to try public school in first grade. It was a very hard decision for us but I am glad we did it. She is now in second grade and doing extremely well.

My daughter was very interested in attending PS and that is what drove us to actually give it a try but I had so many doubts about homeschooling that I was kind of relieved. I was so worried that she wasn’t learning enough or I was holding her back socially.

We may homeschool in the future but for now PS is working well for our family.

[momtokay]

I can really relate to your post. My DD is only 4.5 and we're just thinking about the options at this point. Full-time homeschooling just doesn't feel like the right answer for our family. Similar to your situation, my DD is extrememely social and I just don't feel called to be her full-time teacher. But also like you, the thought of her being gone from 8am to 3pm 5 days a week sends me into a panic. No words of advice for you, but I hope you come to a solution that works. And feel free to pm or post here how things go at the new school. I'd love to know what eventually works for you. I am actually trying desparately to find a part-time school situation for my DD as that is truly what feels right. I'll let you know if I come up with anything.

[lovelee]

She did go, and *she* is really enjoying it so far she says. At bedtime when we are laying alone together a few things have come out, things that have made her embarrased or whatnot, but so far she loves it. I suspected she would, that may change in a few weeks when its not "new" anymore, but it may not.

I MISS her terribly! I hate not being there and seeing all the things she's doing. I hate not having lunch with her, I hate not being there to be the one she ask questions of, I miss doing crafty things together, and her doing them at school instead. Yesterday, she got left behind in her classroom, because as the kids were heading for the gym she went back to check something at her desk. When she tried to go back to the group, they were too far ahead and she didn't know how to get to the gym so she sat alone in her classroom and drew. I know this doesn't seem like a huge thing, but I just hated not being able to be there for her and help her. It's probably just my being overly emotional right now.

My other concern is her homework at night. She brings home 2 mathsheets, spelling words, memory work, and reading. Last night it took us an hour (she must work slowly?) to do the math and spelling (we didn't practice memory work) and then she read for 15 minutes and I read to her for 25. Thats almost 2 hours of our night dedicated to school again! I had thought it would be best for her to do her homework quickly when she got home to leave the rest of the night free, however so far she gets her written work done, then it's time for supper, then we read and she has an hour for free time, ugh!

I think so far it's MORE work for me, so far (I know it's still early) I feel like *I'm* still homeschooling, just on top of her being gone all day. Maybe it's just like this because she's just getting started, I don't know.

We had an ice storm in our area and I've been watching the news and praying for a "schools out posting" funny it's me and not her! I soooo wish she could stay home today, and I can't wait till friday and she gets to be home all weekend! I guess I'm just feeling that life goes by so fast and now things are passing sooo much faster already, I just don't want to miss it
Anyway, I guess we are still in an adjusting phase, maybe it will get better...

Those of you with kids in school, did you find the adjustment hard, if so HOW DID YOU DO IT??

Thanks

[lauren]

Hi Bellafinn. Beginnings are hard, and I think you are experiencing what most mamas go through with the k-garten transition. It might feel so much bigger because you went from homeschool to full day first grade. My children started in preschool, so I got used to 2.5 hrs of separation, then half day k-garten, then full day k-garten (in our district they start gradually then increase to full day), so it was a more gradual adjustment. I hear you when you say it's hard to go straight from all day home to 6 hrs at school. There are probably also things about the routine that most kids are used to but your dd will need to learn.

What I have found helpful, since we are clearly choosing public school over some other option, is to keep looking for positives. Not to be pollyanna about it, if there truly is a problem (and we have had those over time), but to look equally for good things as well as difficulties. Even if it's a decent school, you could still 'make a case' in your mind either to keep her there or pull her out, depending on the 'lens' you are looking through. I've tried to listen carefully for both. My ds (who is very sensitive) has had mostly good years, but also bad teachers. We tried to work it through together. Peer issues come up all the time. We try to use them for learning experiences, and to help shape both him and dd into humane and caring individuals who will make positive peer choices. We do keep in mind that we could always homeschool and there could come a year when we choose to do this, but so far by keeping this stance we have had good experiences with the school, and have been able to transform negative ones.

Regarding the homework, the amt. you're describing does seem a bit much for 1st grade. Check with the teacher and see if you and dd are interpreting it correctly, and ask what a fair amt. of homework is. My dd's 1st grade teacher states that the purpose of hwork in 1st grade is to build a habit of responsibility, NOT to make them work all afternoon at home. So perhaps given your dd's situation of entering school, the homework could be reduced as she adjusts to school, and then increased as she gets used to it. Of course, if it is a really heavy academic program this might not be a possibility.

Two other thoughts I had-- at my children's school, parents can come to lunch anytime. Can you go to lunch with your dd, even a couple times a week? I bet she would love it, and you would feel more involved. Also, can you volunteer in her classroom a day a week? Most teachers love to have the help. This way you'll have a window into what's going on--the kids, the routine, the rhythms, etc. Many moms I know have really valued this kind of experience.

Keep us posted on how it's going!

[meowee]

I had this same issue myself. I didn't like being the "nag" who had to coax them to do school, I had no interest in unschooling, didn't really enjoy being "teacher." I though I was being a control freak and not exposing them to enough social activities. I also don't fit in with our local homeschool group so I have ZERO support. Really, the main reason I was homeschooling is because I LIKED them so much and I LOVED being around them. I was also worried about the skanky kids they'd be exposed to in school, especially the public school by us (kindergarteners have had kinives pulled on them, there have been sexual assaults, etc.)

I came so very close to putting them in school, but as you are experiencing, every fiber of my being was crying out against it, and I realized, if nothing else, I had to trust myself when EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING was crying out against it, even if I couldn't explain it rationally.

I looked at my kids. Were they unhappy? No. Were they bored? Rarely. Did they have more freedom than they would in school, even if I "made" them do assignments? Very much so. Did they get to see their dad more since they weren't in school? Yes. Were they at or above grade level in academics? Yes. Were they able to interact with other people? Definitely.

So what was the big deal?

Basically just that I was doubting myself, as with most things I do.

So my advice is to listen to your GUT and your MOTHER'S INSTINCT. That's what I did, and they're home.

Remember: if it's "controlling" to have your kids do academic work at home, at their own pace, with a flexible schedule, why is it not controlling to make your child get up at the same time every day, put on a uniform or dress code, deposit them in a building where they will have to sit in the same place most of the day, raise their hand before they are allowed to talk, only eat when it is allowed, and ask permission to go to the bathroom-- all this whether they feel like it or not? Sorry, but the latter sounds a whole lot more "controlling" to me.

[heldt123]

I feel for you...these are tough decisions that you are dealing with. One thing I will say to you is that homeschool is not for everyone. Honestly, some children do better in a public/private school and some do better at home. I would try not to feel guilty about the decision to let her try the private school. The most important aspect of any school situation is parental involvement, not wether the actual school environment is at home or not.

I was homeschooled until 9th grade and then went to high school, but it was never forced upon me. My grandma always said that I could go to public school whenever I wanted. I've heard stories of children that were forced to homeschool when they didn't want to and ended up resentful.

Hope everything works out for you!


I just read your second post! Uhg! Why is it that kids have so much homework these days? You would think 6-8 hours of school a day was enough. That is one giant advantage of homeschool--your kids days are freed up for play time and other activities besides school. First graders should still be playing, not doing homework!! Schools have too much wasted time.

[lovelee]

Lauren,
Thanks so much. Yes I can see how your thinking can make a big difference, and I do really need to look for some positives right now. Because I'm hurting so much it's like I'm looking for the negatives to justify "my feelings".

The school is really a good one, so at least I feel good about that. As far as homework, I think she is just slow, I'm hoping for that to imporve, but I am going to talk with the teacher.

I also talked wtih the room mother last night and she now has me down to be a parent helper in the class, so I'm looking forward to that. I really think this will help me. Thanks!

My insides so want to quit, go pick her up and bring her home but I really need to give it a try. I don't know how long that is though...

Meowee, Thank you too! Thats just how I feel. However my daugter was unhappy at home, and bored despite my suggestions to her. I probably should have tried a few other things first though...

I just don't want to fail her. It's so hard to try to make the "perfect" decision all the time.

Thanks to all of you, we are going to try to hang in there. My husband wants her to stay in for the rest of the year to really give it a fair try then reevaluate when registration comes for the following year.

How do you cope with the void of that child being gone? I really miss her, all I can do is count down the hours untill she gets home every day? Will this just pass on it's own??

[momtokay]

oh mama. i'm glad dd is liking it even if you aren't. my older daughter goes to preschool 3 days a week for 3 hours at a time. at the beginning of the year i didn't know what to do with myself when she was gone, i just sort of walked around with it feeling "odd". but now i really embrace that time to focus on my younger daughter. we have a lot of fun and both are so ready to pick dd#1 up when her school day is over. i guess that means i have gotten used to it. it doesn't hurt that dd loves her school so much and they do so much fun stuff (like go for long walks including playing in a stream and acting out stories as a group) that i would have a really hard time replicating at home with a 1.5 year old in tow. i hope you guys can come up with something that makes everyone happy and that all your evenings aren't taken up with homework once everyone gets into a routine.

[meowee]

Originally Posted by bellafinn

Meowee, Thank you too! Thats just how I feel. However my daugter was unhappy at home, and bored despite my suggestions to her. I probably should have tried a few other things first though...

If we had a good school near us I would have at least one in it. But our public school is huge and dangerous, the private schools are very expensive and strict. Homeschool is the best of imperfect choices for us.

If it's a good school, and she remains happy, don't knock yourself out.

[doula jbw]

Wow, all these posts really hit home for me. We just moved to a new area and put our 5 year old in the public school down the street. It is a constant state of torture for me. Right now I feel ok because I really like his teachers and he is only there 3 hours a day, I am welcome and wanted in the classroom and my concerns are listened to and taken into consideration.
But....next year I am already having anxiety about, the full day, more pressure and tests. He is doing great but I have issues with the expectation of sameness in the classroom. There seems to be no room for creativity or individuality and some of the control things are creepy, I feel like they are treating the 5 year olds like they are getting ready for the military (freeze and put your hands on your head at the end of recess - scary)
there is only so much I can do to change things, I am the pesky parent as it is.
Anyway - yes just like when they were babies we need to listen to our mother intuition. Unfortunately, my mother intuition wants to homeschool in a way but not really. what I want is a co-op style group maybe even a classroom and teacher. Just with other like-minded moms and dads that care the way I do. I can't find anyone of any programs around here. There is one christian home-schooling group that I have not met up with yet but afraid we would not be a very good match. I am very spiritual but also very liberal if that makes sense.
so i too feel lost and anxious. I have no advice for you, just wanted to let you know that there is another one out here in the same position. the only thing that may be different is that we will go from school to home-school.

I am the mom of 2 great boys that will be 6 & 4 on their shared birthday in a couple weeks

[sunmountain]

wow, this really brought up a lot of memories!

We have three boys roughly 10, 7, 5 and a dd 3. I, too, wanted to homeschool when my oldest was little, and yet here I am working as a TA in the very school they attend lol!


First I want to address doula jbw's post. I would certainly be wary of any school that insists on a constant military style format, iykwim. However, in any school setting there are certain 'tricks" that work well with kids when you need to get their attention all at once, especially concerning matters of safety. Recess is one of these times, heads need to be counted, many children to be assembled in an orderly fashion, etc... However, if this is all they've got that works, i'd be worried. And I want to add that as the mother of four, often I need to use these tricks just to get them out the door "ok everyone who is listening put your hands on your head" but of course, this being sunmountain's world lol, inevitably I have them keep going to the ears, legs, bellly...oh then it's a fit of giggles but I swear it works if you can avoid that lmao!

We all need to take into account what we are sending our child off to, of course. had I been given the choice of dangerous public schools and outrageous or only religious private schools, I would be homeschooling. But we lucked out and found a great Montessori school. this is a great philosophy, and even just reading a little bit about maria Montessori will give you an inkling into what you should expect from ANY school.

As well, I agree with the poster who said this is hardest for you b/c you jumped right into an all-day program. My oldest started in HeadStart, then half day kindergarten (1yr) then whole day kindergarten (1yr). I originally sent him to HeadStart b/c I was pg with my 2nd and I wanted time alone with the baby and I knew that ds1 would just LOVE it and he did. had he hated it, i would have pulled him out, but it also afforded me the chance to attend state and national conferences and fullfill me on a personal level for two years. A gradual transition into school is the way to go if you can do it. Otherwise expect the separation anxiety and focus on the other little ones you have there. I remember that first year so well, those four hours FLEW by! while he was at school. And I am a very solitary soul, so the more alone time I got while they were napping and such the better for my well-being.

What is right for your child will always be right for you too, and unfortunately we can't always decide with our emotions or initial reactions. I agree with your dh that you should give it to the end of the year. And YES that much homework for a 1st grader is outrageous. Our school doesn't start homework until grade 3. Why would I want my child spending so much time somewhere only to have them come home to spend more time "there" kwim? I hope you find a solution to that.

And finally, bellafinn, there are no perfect solutions, how I wish there were!!!! I'm glad you can go spend time in the classroom, I did that too. It really helps when you can get a grasp of what their environment is like first hand, it gives you LOTS to talk about! My favorite memories, I know, will (are) of all the neat conversations I have with my kids. And the more things, good and bad, they are exposed to, the more things we have to talk about. I wish you well, mama. It's gets better, i swear

[Epicurus]

Bellafinn,
I am the mother of three boys ages 5, 12 and 14. I have been homeschooling my kids from the beginning. I remember when my 1st was 4 and almost 5. I had friends who homeschooled by then and was feeling a pull at my heart at the mere thought of taking him to school. My dh did not want to homeschool. I made a bargain with him to HS our son for one year, Kindergarten, This was a trial year. It worked out great and we have not looked back. I am still the one who is more committed to HSing. My kids love it and thank me on a regular basis.

Feeling an attachment to be with your child is normal. Institutionalized schooling is a recent human invention. Here is a link to a book that is completely on-line that explores the history of American Education if you are interested in learning http://www.johntaylorgatto.com/underground/toc3.htm

I agree with the other HSer that said follow your heart. I think that is our best mothering tool. When we lose track of that guidance we go astray. I believe strongly hat HSing has been the best choice for my children. My heart is settled in this decision. They are growing and thriving on this path. They don't cuss and succumb to peer pressure like their publics school counter parts are apt to do. They listen to the music they actually like rather than the flavor of the day. My sons play in the local community college band. They are involved in 4-h and we have a regular weekly homeschool park day we have been going to for years. We have forged deep friendships in this way.
Lastly, homeschooling does not equal unschooling. That is a personal family choice. There are homeschoolers that fit into a radical unschooler category and into a rigorous structure category like a mini school at home. Most of us fall somewhere in-between these models. I am an eclectic homeschooler. That means I bring some of everything to the table. I don't follow any model but do what makes sense to me as my children lead with their interests.

Follow your heart and feel free to ask me anything if it might help.

Good luck on your path,
Collette

[Kirsten]

I am sorry you are having a hard time adjusting.

I think it is an easier transition when you (like a pp said) start with a couple of half days of preschool, then more half days of preschool, then half day kindergarten, then full day first grade. My dh said that dd could have done great even without that gradual transition - but that I needed it! True.

You say the teacher is great and your dd is enjoying it. If I was you, I would try to win the Academy Award by putting on my happy face and being positive. I am glad you are going to try to find the positive. Nothing is perfect and there will always be things that are annoying or different than you'd like. These are GREAT opportunities for her to learn to speak up, compromise, accept that sometimes things don't go her way. It is very powerful for her to learn that she can handle it when stuff goes wrong. In the example you gave of her not being able to find her PE class, she had a problem and dealt with it. I would be so proud! She went back to where she knew the class would return, and did something appropriate while she waited. I would be praising all over that!

I would also try to look at this as a win-win - your dd1 gets to go to school and have her social time while learning and you get more time with your younger kids. When my dd1 went off to second year of preschool without me, I was thrilled to be able to have that one-on-one time with dd2. Now dd2 is in her second year of preschool and I have one-on-one with dd3. It is all good for all concerned. But I think it was easy for me as I loved school, my attitude re: school has been super positive, and all of my kids love it.

I agree with your dh - give it the rest of the school year then reevaluate. I am glad you are going to help out in the classroom. That is always a wonderful thing for everyone. Hope you are feeling better as the weeks go on. You have not lost her - she will still draw you pictures and play with her sister (I know how sweet that is - when mine do it it melts my heart). It is just a new phase of life for both of you - different and something to adjust to but not necessarily bad.

[kama]

rivate school vs. Homeschool

I

[brooklyngirl]

I'm sitting here I'm also in the midst of deciding what our next step is going to be. I so understand the tug at the heart and the extreme desire to do what is best for everyone.

I've planned on homeschooling since my son was 18 months. We've read the books, atended the conference etc. My dh both agreed that we would try kindergarten at home and then decide what to do next. Well it turns out my dh and I have different ideas on what should be happening at home. I realized that "school at home" just doesn't work for me. The kids love it but it makes me want to pull my hair out. I love the learning we do as we experience new things, as we cook together, as we read and talk. I love having them around me. My days fly by and I never think to myself "I'm bored" unless I'm sitting trying to do school work. We do have some tough days but doesn't everyone?

Well dh really feels that the academic rigour isn't happening and that they would be learning more in school. I see his point. I wonder if they would learn more in a school building.

We started looking into a local private school. It turns out it isn't as easy to get into as we had thought. Families have to get their families in the early grades in order to ensure having a spot. So if we where to try school-this would have to be the time.

There is really nothing negative I can say about the school (I'm not too keen on uniforms but I can deal.) I've dropped in at different times and the school has always given me a warm fuzzy feeling. I met the principal and she was more than welcoming.

The open house is coming up and I would need to register them for next year. Part of me knows that they will probably be just fine. The other part wonders if school is going to take over the rythm of our lives. For me homeschool was more than academics. I thought we had decided on a lifestyle.

bellafin-You are not alone.

[sunmountain]

well remember no decision is final. I would try to get them enrolled, let them try it out for a year and then decide whether to send them back the following year.
And I have to wonder, what exactly are the kids not doing that your dh thinks they should be? Your kids are in Kindergarten right? besides basic math and letter recognition, there's not much else. One of my kids didn't read until 7yo, half way through 1st grade.

[brooklyngirl]

Well I let dh read my post and we had a good talk.

I was also wondering what he was expecting from a kindergardener. I think in his mind, both of my kids would be ahead of what they would be doing in a b&m school. I don't know if he thought they would be winning national spelling bees or something. I think they are "ahead" in many respects.

We both agreed to give school a try and then assess at then end of the year. It seems the school is try to accomodate us and get us in. Again in the local paper it mentioned how hard it is to get into the school. The pre-school program has something like 80 students but there are only 30 spots in the kindergarden grade.

It was nice to talk about it. Somehow he was missing all the passive aggressive ways I was letting him know I was having a hard time making the decision.