UC support thread #13, January 05' - Page 5

[StacyL]

Cheryl (firecat) - You're in Durango? I grew up in Farmington! Small world, eh? I miss the green chile cheesburger and green chile stew from Old Timer's Cafe.

Kinsey - I highly recommend getting some of those disposable Depends Underwear to wear for post partum bleeding instead of pads. They are much more absorbent and comfortable and no leaks - if a bit dorky looking. But who's goona see 'em, right? Ok, except dh! :

Speaking of dh's that are unsupportive. My dh was not so great in my pg, especially at the end. But he got a lot better once the baby came, so there is hope!

[Hayliesmom]

Hi guys!

I'm getting closer now too...and more irritable. Whose wise idea was it to give the kids a 4 day weekend so soon after returning to school after Christmas? I love them but sheesh... My youngest is out of sorts because he is not getting his one on one time too. Oddly enough its my oldest who is being the most trouble. I "think" she is trying to help. Dh has learned finally on this 4th pg to just keep quiet and do what I say. I think the baby will be coming soon because I'm not normally so grumpy, scatter-brained and introverted this early (35 weeks). Or maybe I'm just getting old

You can put me in the no supplies or plan category. I have plenty of towels in the house and some chux pads. I have pads for me and blankets and diapers for the baby. I have bowls and scissors and I don't tie or treat the cord. The baby has clothes too. I have the food. We're ready

I've been craving nuts lately...wonder what that's about?

I hope the baby comes next week or waits for several more, I'll be busy after next week

I had to take off my wedding ring last night and I feel puffy. I'm ready for the baby.

Stacey

[Skim]

Greetings, Mamas!

Just pulling in here to subscribe, and to introduce myself/ask for support...

I'm slowly making my way through the old threads... lots of great info!

DP and I have recently made the decision to go UC and we're pretty happy about it. dd #1 was a homebirth with a midwife attending, but this one is gonna be solo. I'm 35, live in a small town with access to a couple homebirth midwives but realized after the interview that I just really am ready to take full responsibility for this birth. And it feels right, and so strong. I'm excited! DP is a great supporter, and is right there with me. Woo hoo!

Here's where I need your advice: So far DP has been sooo supportive, knowing that we can learn what we need to feel at ease about emergencies. He loves the idea of bonding as a family through birth. However, he insists on having some kind of person to support *him* during my labor - he says in case he needs to get me something and hold me up, or clean up lots of towels, or the sheets, or whatever while entertaining our dd (who will be 3). I think he's concerned he can't be in two places at once, and that I would expect or need that.

What words of wisdom can you all offer about addressing his concerns? I feel very strongly that I want no one there but us, no matter what, and he very stongly feels he needs someone there. We have no family member or friend I trust enough to be at the birth. DP says they'll simply stay downstairs out of the way just in case he calls for them or whatever. I feel that having someone else in our house is too much of a disturbance.

Arghh. The good thing is that we have months to work this out. The bad thing is that when we talk about his need for support and my need for no one else, he hears me saying I don't want to support him. Which of course is not the case, but it's feeling like a conflict based on lack of information and experience, and perhaps fear.

Was it really that hard for your DHs/DPs? What can I share with him from the perspective of the partner?

Thanks so much for wading through my post...

Kim

[TRIBE]

Welcome to the group Kim!

I can share my experience with my UC and my DH. At the time we only had our then 1 mth old present as our older 2 boys were off with other fanily for the summer. Anyways once I was pushing DH oculd have really used someone there to help with our toddler. Xander was very needy and clingy on DH and at the same time so was I. I am still not sure how the heck he managed to handle me and Xander but he did and it was amazing. So I can totally understand where your DP is coming from, but I also know where you are coming from.

This time around our UC is very unconventional in that we are having several ppl here including the midwives, but the mw will be outside the birth room. Of course this time we also have all 4 children present and i simply cant imagine dh handling all 4 of them and me, lol he has trouble just handling me

[ChildoftheMoon]

a forum of our own!

Just wanted to let you all know that there will be an unassisted forum! It will be a subforum of birth and beyond!
Once it is set up, I will see if we can get some of the existing threads and olds threads moved over there.
Brandi

[Evergreen]

Hey! THat's pretty cool!

[cottonwood]

LOL, Jennie, I just noticed you put Rory's name in pink. Cute. (Although I suspect it was because you were tired of people asking whether she was a boy or girl? :LOL)

Brandi, I can't believe it! Woo-hoo!

[Chiromom]

Yaaay! Our own forum!

I had my class today (finally! after weeks of exhaustive prep) and I am so happy to stop focus of the class and swing the focus back to this big old pregnant self again. I had a nap this afternoon for the first time in forever and rested some cheesy romatic comedies. Now if I can just get the DH to stop watching football, I'll be all set!


The class BTW, went really really well. The students were fascinated by UC and had so many intelligent questions. I am so pleased with how it turned out. We are going to open minds...one at a time mamas!

Mar

[Skim]

that's great about our own forum!

On another note, I spoke the the one midwife we interviewed already to tell her we're planning an unassisted birth. Well, she was totally shocked, and didn't tell me we were crazy. BUT she did say "I know you can do it. But there is a reason women are "with women".... It's important to have someone there who can watch from the outside to see what's coming." Etc. The midwife did say she might be available to answer questions over the phone if we wanted during my pregnancy, but she wasn't willing to come by if there were problems (which I didn't even ask her to do since I wouldn't expect that of any midwife). So much for my first encounter with the "what if something terrible happens" crowd.

For this reason, we've decided to not tell many people, especially not dr.s, our chiropractor or anyone but a couple friends. Too much to explain to too many people. Dealing with other people's dire concern is really not my idea of a happy pregnancy.

How do you all handle telling/not telling folks about your UCs while you're pregnant?

And does anyone else have partner/husband stories or perspectives that I can share with my DP?

Kim

[NatureMama3]

Kim, we've told my parents, as we're close to them and they'd find out either way. They were a bit concerned at first, but we walked them through the logic of it and they understand enough to trust us and be ok with it.

Everyone else can just keep the assumption that we're using the same midwives as last time.

[punkprincessmama]

Thanks for the warm welcome mamas



[QUOTE=*Mamajaza*] Punkprincessmama... I hope you are doing well in your pregnancy. If you have a MW that is understanding of UC, that is AWESOME, IMO. You can have her do her thing, but make some boundries for yourself at the same time, if she really is supportive of UC. how was your first birth? Did you have a homebirth?/QUOTE]

Hi Mamajaza

My MW is very respectful of my needs. When I interviewed her I told her I was considering UC and she was very supportive. She prefers to birth that way herself so she totally understands. I have been completely honest with her and she feels comfortable with my boundaries and confident that I can have the birth I want so I'm very happy. And I feel soooooooooo lucky to have found her and that she is available. I know that most MW would not be so supportive and then I would have felt "forced" into UC -- which would be okay too, but this way at least I feel I have options. Geez I hope that came out okay, and didn't offend anyone.

Anyhow, my first birth was at a freestanding birth center. I was interested in home birth but we were living in a tiny apartment with my brother and the vibes were just all wrong in that place. i hated it. i did not feel i could have a good birthing experience there. Anyhow, at the time there were NO birth centers where I live so we drove 90 minutes to receive care and give birth!!! It was a wonderful experience, largely I feel, because when I went in the midwife was exhausted from a birth the previous night and so she went to bed and we didnt wake her until i was in transistion. All in all it was beautiful, but not what i want this time around.

thanks for asking

[Chiromom]

Skim,

For our 1st UC (2nd birth) people pretty much assumed we were using the same midwife. If someone asked..."are you using that midwife I again" or something along those lines I would sidestep by saying "yes, were having another homebirth. If someone (in-laws usually) would ask how the midwife visits or prenatal care was going I woud usually deflect or lie a little by saying "yep, everything is looking good...there doesn't seem to be any problems at all". We did this because we didn't want the negative energy out there. I was (am) very comfortable defending my reasons to UC, but didn't want to put the energy or *validation* into "discussing" it and knowing they would accept our choices but probably worry about it.

With this UC (3rd child, due sooon!!!!) everyone pretty much assumes we are doing a UC. My professional community (I am a chiropractor who is very involved in pediatric care and care for pregnancy) is probably the group I get the most *quiet disapproval/worry* from. Ahhh well...they can hopefully learn by example.

I don't have any inspiring DH stories because my spouse was on board from the moment I decided to UC. I think he said "All riiight!". He told me last night as we were snuggle and talking to the baby that his "dream birth" for this one is that he will wake up in the morning and DS (4 year old) will come and tell him that mama had the baby and he should come and see. He was only awake 10 minutes before DD was born (UC #1), so I could quite conceivable do it all without him. I like the idea myself.

[NatureMama3]

chiromom, that's surprising! my chiro and his wife UC'd all 5 of their kids and talks about it very openly! He was one of the first that got that idea in my head!

[Hayliesmom]

With my history of fast labors people expect me to stay home and are not too surprised that I say I'll do it myself. They know we'd never make it to the hospital.

Dh is not planning on waking up unless I need him. I'm looking forward to just doing it completely by myself. Sooner rather than later would be good too. I really don't remember being this mentally ready this early in the past but I'm ready now

Stacey

[cottonwood]

"Too much to explain to too many people. Dealing with other people's dire concern is really not my idea of a happy pregnancy."

Yes, exactly! I did just outright lie a few times because I didn't want to deal with the negative energy while I was pregnant. Now, though, I'm more in a mental/emotional space where I can deflect that energy, which makes it easier to be open about it.

All of our friends knew, both times. I think everyone in our family knew except for my dad (I'm still not sure if he knows, but if it came up now, I'd tell him.) I originally wanted to keep it a bit quieter than that, but people just are going to talk. For the most part people were receptive to the idea (we tend to hang out with a progressive crowd) and the few that weren't were at least respectful of our right to make that choice for ourselves. And once someone knew, I was very willing to talk about it further with them, but no one was interested. I think they must have realized what that said about their fears, because they left me alone after that.

My husband was pretty much on board from the beginning. I think initially he liked the idea of not shelling out $2000 to someone just basically to act as medical back-up for a period of several hours (as I didn't need anything else.) As my pregnancy went along, though, he started getting nervous because he was uncertain about his role in the whole thing. Once I made clear to him that I didn't want him to act as a midwife, that in fact he didn't need to be there at all, he was a lot more relaxed about it. He had been worried that I had expectations of him that he wouldn't be able to fill, that he wouldn't know how to fill.

What I've found from my two UCs, in terms of how my husband fit into it, was that in early labor I wanted him to focus only on me and be loving (in love) and sexually attentive. (This was tricky with the kids being there, but we managed it a little bit in my days of prodomal labor.) In later labor, when I started needing to work at it a little more, I wanted to be alone, to have quiet and emotional space. (This worked out great in my last labor, when he and the kids went to bed and I had the whole house to myself.) Then, at the very end when it got VERY hard, I wanted him there again, to envelope me in his emotional strength and help me get through the back labor. This was perfect for him too, because his comfort in being there depended on him having something to do that was natural and obvious and that he was adept at.

[Skim]

thanks everyone for your insights about your dh/dp participation and role during labor and birth.

blueviolet, what you said really resonated for me here:

Originally Posted by blueviolet

As my pregnancy went along, though, he started getting nervous because he was uncertain about his role in the whole thing. Once I made clear to him that I didn't want him to act as a midwife, that in fact he didn't need to be there at all, he was a lot more relaxed about it. He had been worried that I had expectations of him that he wouldn't be able to fill, that he wouldn't know how to fill.

Being our first UC, I am still trying to wrap my mind around the no-midwife soul or aspect of UC. While I understand this, and believe it, the dominant model of birth keeps insinuating intself into my ideas. I find I have to keep re-adjusting my assumptions upon discovering them. It's so beautifully challenging, and so worth it.

I really believe DP does think he's replacing a midwife. This, of course, is not what we really had in mind, it's just what our culture has told us we need: if no midwife, a replacement midwife. I really am looking forward to laboring alone. We'll see what happens!

And an interesting side note about my own chiropractor - she supports home birth, but when I told her I was planning one, she asked if I was *sure* I wanted one. Which is strange, considering she rejects outright vaccination of every child, supports homeopathy, herbs, and other body work... you name it, non-dominant paradigm stuff ... so I'm not looking forward to talking with her about an UC.

Thanks for your insights, all.

Oh, and I'm finally feeling more energetic! I lost my nausea a couple weeks ago, and now my energy has returned. Woo hoo! Now I can so more reading...

Kim

[plum]

i'm still reading. we've been doing a lot of talking lately and he is on board for our UC!

blueviolet, i loved what you said about your dh feeling like he needed to be the replacement midwife. i realized that that was the same way my husband was feeling. we talked about it more and i realized how he was feeling and i was able to explain that i don't need him to *do* anything. he's not in charge and doesn't have to feel that way. all i want from him is to be with me. i also told him he could be in charge of taking pictures, since that was something he felt like he did right the first time and he laughed and said he liked that idea.

there are still details to be hammered out. i'm going to continue seeing the HB midwife for prenatals, although i'll probably only end up seeing her several more times. he wants her to come after to check me and the baby and i'm undecided.

i've been feeling very content. this pregnancy has gone by so fast!

[Hayliesmom]

Lots of contractions today, pain-free ones but very obvious. Maybe this baby will be here sooner rather than later.

Stacey

[KateSt.]

Stacey -- Baby must have read your last post that you were ready! If this is it for you, I'll be sending you gentle birthing vibes (I'm think I'm as far along as you are...wow!). Enjoy...

[firecat]

ya know, stacyL, I have not even been to Old Tymer's yet... I am taking myself out to lunch on Thursday so maybe I will go there.

BTW, are there any uc mamas in the 4-corner's/colorado area?
My friends here are all about midwives but I think would be a little sketched about uc. Anyway, I just wanted to know because it would be great to have some real life support, especially if once I start in on dh he isn't on-board right away.

And for you if you need it, stacey!!