What do you do when they don't want to eat their dinner?

[FoxintheSnow]

This is totally hypothetical as my baby is only 11 months, but DH and I watched that show Nanny 911 tonight and the family in it's kids didnt want to eat their dinner, but they never showed how they thought you should deal with that.
Like if you made stirfry for dinner and they scream and want mac and cheese, do you make them mac and cheese? Tell them it's stirfry or nothing? Or some other thing Im not thinking of. I remember as a little one my mom saying "eat 4 pieces of brocolli and you're done" and my dad saying I should eat all of my brocolli.
Talk to me..

[captain optimism]

Well my guy is only 23 months, and there is only one of him, so maybe I'm not the best to say. We have a bunch of foods that we know he likes to eat, and they are ready to go. If he doesn't like dinner (and he doesn't talk much, so it's not so easy to know why he isn't eating) we give him some of those. I guess when he gets older I'll make sure to have some bread or something else that he can get himself.

Usually he does like what we eat, and if he isn't eating then he's not hungry.

I also don't make a big deal about whether he plays with his food. I know that eventually i will have to be the enforcer of manners. For now, I think we can deal with him messing around in his high chair, checking to see whether he can transfer food from one container to another, etc. But he's little. He gets excited sometimes just to eat the same thing from my plate as what's on his plate!

I figure at some point he will develop enough language to say why he isn't eating and I will be able to respond better to that. For example, "I don't like this food" or "I'm not hungry" or "my tummy hurts right now." I'm also involving him in food preparation even now, and I guess that will help. You know, at least he'll be able to say "Yuck, broccoli" while we are chopping it instead of once it's on the table?

[LoveBeads]

If my dd doesn't want to eat her dinner, she doesn't have to eat her dinner.

If I make her something and she doesn't want it, I offer her an easy alternative (sandwich, yogurt, etc.) and she can have it.

I am blessed - my dd is extremely easy about eating. When she doesn't want to eat something, I take it seriously and offer her an alternative. I wouldn't cook her a separate meal but I don't have a problem offering her an alternative.

Oh, and I never urge her to eat one more bite. How does anyone determine when someone else is full?

[Plady]

I hate it but I bribe dd if it gets to that. Sometimes she will consent to feed the Harry Potter characters who she happens to store in her belly button, but if they aren't hungry I will sometimes hold out the sugar carrot.

I hate doing it, I hate feeling so anxious when she doesn't eat. I can't belive my reaction, I know she isn't going to starve if she doesn't finish her food but I also know she's going to want to be nursing throughout the night and once I wake up in the night these days, I just never fall back to sleep. I also know that inevitably after everyone else is done, the kitchen is clean and everything put away she will say she's starving, and that drives me bonkers.

Dh thinks I'm setting her up for an eating disorder but I think the same of him since he takes her food if she doesn't eat it fast enough (as fast as he eats in other words) and I remember my dad doing that and hating it. Okay, sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread, I look forward to other answers too.

[mamaduck]

If I know ahead of time that I am making something one of them does not like, then I prepare something on the side for the person who doesn't like the main dish. I do this for DH too.

If I prepare something that I was under the impression everyone was cool with, and then someone decides at the last minute that they are no longer cool with it, then I encourage them to take one bite to make sure, and then they can go fix a bagel or a bowl of cereal. But they have to fix it themselves.

[PuppyFluffer]

I would never force a child to eat something they didn't want to nor would I let my child go hungry. Food is about nutrition, not power, not love, not reward.

What works for us is to make sure we have on hand a food that we know she likes so if the dinner isn't satisfactory to her tastes, we have something we know she most likely will eat. Sometimes it's yogurt, sometimes cheese and crackers, sometimes (like today) it's an avocado.

Children are so full of honesty at these young ages. Why is it that adults don't respect it when kids say "I don't like peas" We wouldn't insist an adult guest sit at the table until they finished their peas. We wouldn't insist that an adult guest just try one bite before they could leave the table. I think we disrespect children when we plow over their simple honest feedback about food and try to power struggle with them.

I also think we need to consider a child's food intake on a week by week basis instead of a day by day basis. I know there have been days in my young toddler's life where she was an eating machine, where every hour I was getting her snacks it seemed. (and I won't forget the nights she was waking at 18 months in the middle of the night requesting a sandwich and eating the WHOLE thing! Growth spurt indeed!) Now there are some days she hardly eats at all. I don't freak about the day to day. I look at her nutritional input over many days and make sure that I am offering her healthy varieties over a span of days instead of worrying about what she ate today.

I hope that helps.

[maya44]

Our family feeding is based on Ellyn Satter's books. She is a well known and very respected nutritionist.

We have a "division of responsibility"

We decide WHEN meals and snacks are served (after infancy when feeding on demand is what occurs)

We decide WHAT is served

Our kids decide IF and how much they will eat.


So if you dont' want stir fry you don't have to eat it. BUT we don't make something else. Now we always serve something that is liked by all (maybe the plain rice served with the stir fry, as an example)

If you don't eat dinner, that's your business. A treat is always served after the main meal and you don't have to eat any dinner to get it.

A healthy snack is also served right before bed (or was when they were little and there was alot of time between dinner and bed).

Our kids are really good adventerous eaters. We do think this is why.

[phathui5]

First, I let ds know when I start cooking dinner what we're having. If it's not something he usually eats I will cook him something easy like mac & cheese. Then I can save the leftovers for his lunch the next day.

I don't bribe or force him to eat. If he's hungry, he'll eat.

[lilyka]

I make what we have and if they don't like it they can choose not to eat it but they don't get something else. occaisionally something goes terribly wrong while cooking and I make a second meal for everyone because what I made is truely disgusting by all standards but that is rare. I can't afford to make one thing and then thow it out in favor of somehting else. our food budget is tight so I am sure to buy food that I know people like only occaisioally trying a new recipie. So generally I know they like it, don't have texture issues with it etc. . . If they are hungry enough they will eat it. if not they go to bed and rarely complain (becuase they know complaints will be met with "well I can heat it up for you " which occaisionally they take me up on )

so in short hehehe they happily eat what is served or happily go without but I really try to serve food people like. I never make a big deal out of "take 4 bites" or anything. what is the point. they will eat it if they are hungry enough.

[heartmama]

I think it is absolutely wrong to fix a meal and tell a child they have no choice but to eat it or go hungry. It is not gentle parenting.

If it's really and truly the only food you have, chances are, your child will be glad to eat it.

If they'd rather have peanut butter sandwich than lasanga, and you have bread and peanut butter in the house, let them make a sandwich! As long as it's whole wheat and natural peanut butter, it's good eats. It's better than most kids in the world will EVER eat.

We have been flat broke and I have never understood that as a reason to refuse a simple cheap alternative to a child. It's not like *I* won't eat his portion of the lasangna. If he won't eat it, that's just more leftovers for the rest of us. Not a problem here!

The only control I maintain is what I bring home.

Once the food is here I am:

Not the pantry sentry

Not a short order cook

Which means that people are free to eat what and when they like, but they have to do it themselves if it isn't what I cooked.

[sun-shine01]

Sorry to highjack the the post but my dd will refuse to eat almost ANYTHING for the evening meal - even things that she LOVES - instead she only wants to nurse about every 15 minutes for the rest of the evening and we/she satys up late so like every 15 minutes for 4 hours. She just turned 2. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to deny her nursing but I'm just about to loose my mind over the evening marathon nursing. I offer snacks and drinks all evening but she only wants the "Num Nums" Any advice greatly appreciate.

[mamaroni]

Great question! my dd is 4 and is an extremely picky eater (mostly my doing I'm sure). It gets frustrating but like others have said, I know she won't go hungry. THe most frustrating thing really is the tantrum that often goes along with it. I don't want to be a short order cook, but I also don't force her to eat anything. we do encourage her to try things, and there is always a fruit and/or veggie with dinner that she likes and will eat. she eats a lot of toast and cereal, plain spaghettie and annie's shells, though. puppyfluffer, I agree with what you said, but I do think that sometimes my dd tells us she doesn't like something just because that's what pops into her head. I KNOW she does like peas (but only frozen i've discovered) and when she says she doens't like them what she really means is I don't feel like eating them today. in that case, I do encourage her to just have a bite or two (but it's not a "eat two bites or else" kind of thing). I was forced to eat foods as a child that would gag me -- campbell's cream of mushroom soup comes to mind. to this day I cannot stand mushrooms.
maya, i need to check out that author. that sounds like what I am striving to follow!
luckily for my dinnertime sanity, my 2.5 yo son eats just about anything, and the baby is very adventurous so far too.

(sorry for the typos it's late and i'm tired!)

[Greaseball]

Like if you made stirfry for dinner and they scream and want mac and cheese, do you make them mac and cheese?

Yes.

There are nights when dh, dd and I all have something different for dinner. We all eat what we want. Usually we are happy to have the same thing but sometimes one or more of us will have our hearts set on something else.

When she is older she can cook her own food if she wants something different, but now I'm happy to do it for her. I love cooking.

If she wants nothing for dinner, that's fine too. If she wants to eat before everyone else, or after everyone else, fine. I only insist she eat at the table, otherwise she makes a mess.

I also don't make dessert contingent upon eating dinner.

[Leilalu]

back before dd got crafty and too smart for me- I used to mix things and disguise quite well
Like, mash up some meat in applesauce, or put her veggies in applesauce or yogurt. I swear, she would eat ANYTHING(usually)if it was in yogurt or applesauce.
But now shes an independant growing toddler and is picky, so I also have healthy yes foods on hand. But I am trixy and like to add green food and brewers yeast and carob and nut butters to things.Like-oh, ok you can have some yo-baby yopgurt-hehe, with some peanut butter and greenfood-shhhhh!
Oh, and a health drink I used to make dd drink everyday when she weaned while I was pregnant was goat and rice milk with brewers yeast and carob powder. It was my nutrition cure all.:LOL

[maya44]

Originally Posted by heartmama

I think it is absolutely wrong to fix a meal and tell a child they have no choice but to eat it or go hungry. It is not gentle parenting.

I

I disagree. If this is what you want to do fine, but to me say its not "gentle parenting is to me just plain wrong.

Children are naturally neophobic about food. If given a choice a large percentage will not try new things. They will stick with the pb and j or whatever food they are "comfortable with" . (not all fit this pattern of course, but a large ennough percentage to be statistically very significant. Take a look at the underlying studies done by Satter and other nutritional researchers on this topic.) Satter has proven that the best way to deal with the neo-phobia is to give a chioce about whether to eat it but not to offer a 'safe' food instead.

Her studies also show that people who are not given a chance to let go of "safe foods" in childhood often become people who are afraid of new foods as adults (Interetingly the same thing happens when children are forced to eat a food, rather than being told that it is their choice.)
I believe it it my job as a parent to help my kids expand their palate.

[mountain mom]

My dd just turned three and this is the first age I can honestly say she is looking for actual meals three to four times a day.

Up to this point she would graze and pick and sometimes sit at the table with us. We have never been 'strict' on making her stay at the table and now she is staying to eat on her own.

I include her in meal prep alot. We talk alot about what foods we will have and if she expresses that she doesn't want a meal (before its prepared) then we talk until she and I find something we agree on.

From that point I am careful to keep some of the veg raw and seperate, plain rice etc so she can prepare the bowl of food to her liking. I keep her really involved.

If she just doesn't want to eat, then thats okay. She will eat when she is hungry and I will offer her options, within reason, with limits.

We never have junk food or empty calorie food around so she is developing a palate for food without additives or sugar. Such as homemade youghurt, baking and stews and soups.

Hope this has helped you out. Enjoy your baby!

[kavamamakava]

If I made a stirfry for dinner and they asked for something else that required cooking, I would tell them that we dont' have any of that cooked and they can try the stirfry. We eat dinner as a family and if they don't want to eat what's in front of them, they can always excuse themselves from the table. But I don't jump up and make them something else. I suggest that they taste it and try to make it sound appealing..."Ooooh look at the baby trees in this thai curry!"
And of course, if they don't eat dinner, they end up hungry later. I let them have a snack like some kefir or a piece of cheese and half an apple or something like that. If that doesn't satisfy them, I offer to heat up their dinner plate in the microwave. Sometimes that works. It's not a big deal to me if they don't eat a whole lot before bed. Digestion slows down when we sleep so eating light before bed is actually better.

[kavamamakava]

Originally Posted by sun-shine01

Sorry to highjack the the post but my dd will refuse to eat almost ANYTHING for the evening meal - even things that she LOVES - instead she only wants to nurse about every 15 minutes for the rest of the evening and we/she satys up late so like every 15 minutes for 4 hours. She just turned 2. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to deny her nursing but I'm just about to loose my mind over the evening marathon nursing. I offer snacks and drinks all evening but she only wants the "Num Nums" Any advice greatly appreciate.

If she is nursing every 15 minutes for 4 hours, how long is she nursing at each session? Does she nurse at all during the night? I might encourage her to either nurse longer at a stretch or wait a bit before nursing again. And maybe, after she has nursed a time or two, offer her something to eat.

[kavamamakava]

Originally Posted by maya43

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartmama
"I think it is absolutely wrong to fix a meal and tell a child they have no choice but to eat it or go hungry. It is not gentle parenting."

I disagree. If this is what you want to do fine, but to me say its not "gentle parenting is to me just plain wrong.

Children are naturally neophobic about food. If given a choice a large percentage will not try new things. They will stick with the pb and j or whatever food they are "comfortable with" . (not all fit this pattern of course, but a large ennough percentage to be statistically very significant. Take a look at the underlying studies done by Satter and other nutritional researchers on this topic.) Satter has proven that the best way to deal with the neo-phobia is to give a chioce about whether to eat it but not to offer a 'safe' food instead.

Her studies also show that people who are not given a chance to let go of "safe foods" in childhood often become people who are afraid of new foods as adults (Interetingly the same thing happens when children are forced to eat a food, rather than being told that it is their choice.)
I believe it it my job as a parent to help my kids expand their palate.

I see telling a child they have no choice but to eat what you served them or go hungry to be forcing them to eat what you served. Choosing between eating something you don't like or going hungry is not a choice, it's a threat. That is not gentle discipline. There are other ways. Simply saying that the child can choose to eat the food or not is different than saying "Eat it or starve".

[carolsly]

If you don't like what is served or what mom is eating (I can't eat what the family is eating sometimes due to my restricted diet..gastric bypass) then you may have a PB&J or a bowl of cereal. No one goes hungry. I don't make a big deal out of food. I have enough food issues to cover their lives. I often leave their food (as long as it doesn't have things in it that can spoil quickly) out for at least an hour after the dinner hour. They can come pick if they want to. I especially have to do this for dd#2 as she is only 23lbs and 3ft at 2.5. In my house, if there is something that is in the fridge that is already prepared (ie yesterdays leftovers etc.) and you want it, it's all yours. Leftovers are not served as dinner again. They go in dh's lunch, or I snack on them if possible, or they get eaten at other times. My kids know that they can get an apple, carrot, etc out of the fridge whenever they want to. Dry cereal eaten right out of a snack dish is cool with me too. They will do this while they are coloring or doing some other activity.