What do you do when they don't want to eat their dinner? - Page 14

[Periwinkle]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom

maybe because meals times for us are so much more than just food but my son would feel left out if he came to the table and I said "sorry, nothing here for you tonight. How about a bowl of cereal?" To me that just seems to discount his feelings and ignores his input into the family meal time.

I would go even further to say that whenever I cook anything untested in our kitchen (not knowing if dd or ds, much less dh or I, will like it) I ALWAYS provide something else at that meal that I know we do like. So just because I love to experiment with new recipes doesn't mean my kids have to grab a banana for dinner.

It's no wonder when presented with a brand new dish of totally foreign flavoring no less that a 3 year-old would get balky and avoid the whole meal altogether. Where's the "child's choice" in that?!?! So if I make liver and onions (something my kids hate) even night for dinner and they get to "choose" a yogurt or banana instead, that's what people were talking about when they said how important it is not to impose our will on our children? In my house, serving some new spicy beans alongside some rice pilaf and popular steamed vegetables would ensure everyone was happy at suppertime (and I can practically guarantee my kids would try the beans to boot).

[Greaseball]

How does adding something to the menu interfere with your ability to cook? How does it make you give up your favorite foods??

Because some say we should just have one dinner for the whole family and not cook foods that some people in the family do not like. That would interfere with our enjoyment - dh likes pork and beans, which I do not like. He and dd like to eat chili, again which I do not like. I like alfredo sauce, which dh is not that into. We all get to have the foods we want and refuse the foods we don't want.

[Periwinkle]

I think the idea that cooking an entire meal that is KNOWN to be distasteful to the rest of the family is a hard one to take, just from a simple repsect for others perspective. If I wanted fettucini alfredo for example but no one else liked it, I would keep the noodles and the sauce separate b/c everyone here loves noodles, and prepare some chicken breasts to have on the side. Everyone would be eating the same meal, but I'd get to have my special sauce that everybody else hated. This isn't cooking two (or three or four) different meals, and it's not making everyone else fend for themselves for supper either.

[sunnmama]

Reading these last few posts, it really sounds to me like effectively the same approach, but described differently?

I mean, I can look at Greaseball's posts and say "yes, that is what we do".

But then I read Maya or Periwinkle or Hollybear and say "yes, that is what we do."

Basically, everybody gets to eat something they like. Whether it is presented as the main meal or not, the child could feel very respected either way, imo. Or very disrespected, depending how it is handled. Sounds like all of the kiddos here feel very respected by the approach in their home, so what is the problem?

For example, sure, if the main meal is distasteful to the child they could feel "left out". But, in these cases, I (and apparently Greaseball ) talk to dd and get something yummy for her--and she feels very respected, indeed.

Or, in some families, the child must eat what is on the table (no other options). My first reaction is that the child would might feel disrespected because, well, what if s/he does not like it? But, in the cases on this thread, the parent knows their child well and makes sure that there are appealing choices already on the table for the child, and the child feels respected this way as well.

It seems like a very small distinction to me. Either way, the child is eating something s/he enjoys. One method just provides a bit more choice for the child. But, if the meal preparer and child are both happy, then where is the problem?

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by Greaseball

Because some say we should just have one dinner for the whole family and not cook foods that some people in the family do not like. That would interfere with our enjoyment - dh likes pork and beans, which I do not like. He and dd like to eat chili, again which I do not like. I like alfredo sauce, which dh is not that into. We all get to have the foods we want and refuse the foods we don't want.

Who said that? I know that I didn't. Have you even been reading what I have posted? Where did anyone say never to cook foods that some people don't like?? I am so confused by your round about arguments.

I guess in my family we all have a say in the meal making process. No one is denied foods they like that others don't (whole wheat annies) and no one is ever forced to eat things they don't (chicken Frances). It is a respect issue in our house. All relationships are about compromise.

Another example of respect: My son and I LOVE egg salad. The smell of it alone makes my husband gag. Do my son and I just stop eating something we love? Of course not, instead we have it when Dad is not home. How respectful would it be to say "Gee, honey, I know this stuff make you sick but tough luck WE love it so here's a banana."? I see the fact that you knowingly made two items that were "too spicy for a 3 year old" as not very respectful. But again, I have to say, that we need to agree to disagree.

[Rainbow]

Disclaimer: I only read the first page, and I'm responding to the OP :


We have two on solids (21M & 3.5) and our approach is to never have any control or say over their food. I completely trust that their bodies know what it wants and needs, and they will not starve themselves.

We dont' keep "junk" food in the house- there is no mac n' cheese or hot dogs. I think these types of foods kids might ask for again and again, aside from what their bodies need. But if everything in the house is relatively healthy I believe they'll eat what they need as they need it.

I often employ their help choosing what to make for meals so it isn't often that they reject what we made to ask for something else- but if they did I would let them eat it. As long as there aren't "junk" (relative term I know) options in the house- than I know the alternative will be healthful.

We put the food on the table each meal. The kids eat what they want and leave what they don't. We don't comment or discuss their food intake. And if we decide to make a fun dessert treat after dinner they get it regardless of what they ate earlier. But that is random, and there is no expectation of that.

I've even let them eat a slice of apple pie before dinner because it was there and they were dying to try their creation. I guess I figure that type of situation is rare and it won't kill them. They both still ate dinner.

We've also never labelled foods as "like" or "dislike" it is simply something they are in the mood for or are not. They can reject a food 16 times, there is no discussion they simply leave it on their plate, but I keep putting it there and eventually they choose to eat it.

[SAHMinHawaii]

Wow your family's eating habits, rules what you will sounds alot like mine to a T. I have a almost 3 year old and a 9 month old. My 9 month old is pretty much EBF, not pushing solids because i trust that she knows what is best. I offer but never force it. My toddler has a very adult taste for foods. Since she could talk she would ask for healthy snacks because that is what she was used to. To this day she will ask for a apple, cheese, carrots, etc instead of a chocolate cookie that MIL brings. People are shocked to find that she will eat any fruit or veggie you put in front of her. She loves meat, cheese and bread. We sit down for every meal together. We all have the same but in different portions. She eats what she wants and when she if finished we let her down to play quietly. many times she will come back and eat more or ask for a alternative and sit back down. She has very healthy eating habits and is a healthy weight. We all eat dessert if we make it that night and like many it doesnt matter if you didnt eat all your peas or not. Anyway i agree with you completely. You said what i was going to..

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

I am facinated by how much passion food debates create on this website. This is certainly not the frist multi-page thread about how to handle meal/food refusal. But on to the question.

First, each family is different and kids are different. Here is what has worked (well, I think) at our house. Maybe it might provide some ideas for others. Not that it's very different from what others have already said.

Either my DH or myself cooks dinner. We have an almost 2 YO and a 5 YO. Its very important for us to have a family dinner each night, and we all start with the same things on our plates. If either child decided they don't want something, regardless of why or what, they can get an alternative item. Even my 22 mo. old can open the fridge and get cheese or yogurt (to replace a protein) or a piece of fruit from the bowl (to replace a veggie). There are lots of reasons that I don't want to be a short-order cook, not the least of which is that I want to enjoy my dinner while it is hot too. Its one of the few "self care" items that I have made a priority.

If they are simply not hungry, then they can go back to playing until others are finished, as long as they have sat down with us and said grace.

Dessert is a separate "meal" and is not contingent on eating dinner. For us, this eliminates the "<a href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=11&k=ice%20cream" onmouseover="window.status='ice cream'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">ice cream</a> is better than peas" issue because they aren't connected to each other at all.

We have always cooked an enormous variety of food at our house and our kids are pretty good about trying stuff. And they love lots of things that other children don't--the more expensive the better it seems. When they say "I don't like it" and mean "I haven't tried it but it looks funny", that's OK. Maybe next time it will look more familiar and they will go on to try it. I think it probably helped that they see interesting, different food from the time they started solids. My sons favorite veggie as a young toddler was artichokes, and boy were people stunned when they saw him eat one! I've never cooked special for the kids. When they were just starting solids (well, after the one-at-time period), I would just grind up the veggie of the day, so I think they don't expect it.

We don't, however, allow "fits of temper" at any time, and at the table is no exception. I think demanding a different food, throwing a tantrum, or whatever, around food is an issue about that behaviour, not about food per se, and should be dealt with the same way you would deal with them at any other time.

Anyway, that's mealtime at our house, for what its worth.


I think its important for us to respect our children, but it is a two-way street. So, I respect their "I'm full", "I don't like it" or whatever. But they need to respect "Mommy is eating her dinner and you need to do it yourself" as well.