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Dealing with the grief of a really bad birth experience. - Page 2

post #21 of 43

it gets easier

I could have writen the same story. In fact, i have never been able to write my story at all. I applaud you for that, i know how hard it must have been. It has been 17 months here and i can tell you that it does get easier to deal with. I can also say that you did the best you possibly could have. That is all we can ask from anyone. You are a strong mama and your healing is comming. Hugs and love.
post #22 of 43
I read your story and felt really angry on your behalf. You truly deserved to be treated with respect.

But anger was not the only thing I felt. I felt inspired. It sounds so strange, I know, but I sense a deepness within you that contains a lot of healing energy and postive change... The pain you are going through is deep and will take time to subside. But you are strong and I truly believe that in the wake of the emotional turmoil there will be an equal depth of goodness.

Take care of yourself...
post #23 of 43
my son was a c-sec after HB transfer and tbh, I didn't read your story as my PTSD is playing up today. My birth story is in this section too. My son is 14 months old now and I am no longer depressed and suicidal, which occurred when he was about 6 months old and it all caved in on me. I started a group for women recoving from birth trauma and you'd be amazed how many HB transfer mamas are in the group. Sadly, I've discovered it's a common experience. Writing your story down is a really good start on the road to healing. I can PM you the stuff my group uses on recovering, if you like. It's lowkey pamphlets with lots of selfhelp hints and internet and book resources.
You're not alone, trust me! Hugs to you,
post #24 of 43
Thanks for having the courage to share - I know how you feel about having that episiotomy ! I remember the pain from mine very well - it's terrible. I would say don't dwell too much on what went wrong - with the meconium and no dilation, you had to go the hospital for your baby's sake - it could have been worse - you are both in good health !
post #25 of 43
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry theat you had to go through this. May you find peace with it soon. I wish I could do something to help...

Be good to yourself. Many blessings to you and your family!
post #26 of 43
Oh mama, I am so sorry for you! Thanks for sharing!
post #27 of 43

Bad Birth

I am so sorry to hear this story. Another place you may want to complain to about the epis without permission in Joint Commission. They look at quality in hospitals. JCAHO.org is the website, there is a custumor complaint form in the quality check area.

I hope you continue to heal physically and emotionally from your birth.
post #28 of 43
hugs im sorry... in the good hands.. you have a daughter to raise and love forever
post #29 of 43


I was thinking about your story last night...then read it again. That Doctor did not have your permission to treat you. You must give consent for care. I would complain to JCAHO and you Dept of Health about the unnecessary epis AND being treated without permission. Consent is required by law and if they got the unit manager involved it's obvious that they knew you didn't want that doc touching you.

That's a nurse's prospective.
post #30 of 43
I'm so sorry your family had to endure that birthing! My DS is 11mos. and I am healing from his birth as well. I will pass this article on to you with warning that it may make you even angrier. It made me angry but answered a lot of questions for me. I'm furious at the medical establishment and I'm doing something about it by educating myself. "They" had my last birth and *I* am going to have my next one! This article is beautifully written and I consider it a must read for all women.


P.S. I see there has already been someone who was unable to respond in an appropriate manner to this thread. I think it is perfectly clear what you mean when you describe getting the epidural. The point of this thread is not to debate medicated vs. non-medicated births. I hope you can ignore that post and focus on continuing to work through your grief.

Best wishes!

post #31 of 43
Laura- That was an awesome link, thank you for posting that for all to see.

Alicea--Lesser women, no, you are not. But you are a selfish one for your words on a support thread. The ignore option is great for people like you. Maybe you should go read what MDC is all about before you attack a women for wanting what is natural.
post #32 of 43
Oh, my. Much love and light to you, Mama.
post #33 of 43
Oh, my goodness. What a terrible doctor that was! I read your story and the whole time I was just wishing I could have been there with you so you'd have someone to talk for you!

You know what, though. We mommas go to all of this trouble to get the very best start for our babies, the start that we dream of, and sometimes it just does not happen. And it's ok. There are so many things that will affect your baby in these early months that you can overpower that whole experience with your positive memories.

Your beautiful baby is here, and healthy, and that is so important! I know right now it is hard to see that. You might need help to get through this. But someday it will just be a story that you tell your beautiful daughter! Someday, you'll have so many positive, loving, wonderful memories and moments to think about, this will just be a faint shadow.

I'm sorry that not everyone who has posted here has been supportive of you. I hope you are able to heal from this horrible experience soon, and can move on. I had a horrible birth experience too (I turned off the pitocin in my IV a few times ) and I can tell, the memories have faded so much over the last year that now I can tell the story with amusement.
post #34 of 43
I felt so sad and angry to hear how you had been treated
you did so well to stand up for youself in such a terrible situation - when you were so vulnerable and that horrible doc was being so hostile ....

it took me about two years to fell some distance on my own unhappy hospital experience - now the memories are not so harsh for me

good luck to you strong mama !
take your time to talk and to find your own pace for healing with your experiences - no one else can dictate this for you or tell you how you should feel and when.....

anna rosa
mother to toddler girl - now 26months
post #35 of 43
wow not only are you opening yourself up by sharing this stpry but you are also being attacked for your personal views on something...sad.. sorry about that woman goiing off about the epi..
sometimes in our minds eye we feel things we might not alwasy say outloud.. i htin that is human.. but this is YOUR story, very valid and very real.. and obviously very painful..
I think if you were able it would serve you well and other mamas to reort this doctor.. if she didn't have permission to perform an episiotomy on you than she shoulnd't have done it...as well as her basci treatment..
i saw someone mention post traumatic stress disorder, i agree fully.. I think people don't fully see how a birth can impact us, but it is a sacred event, a holy rite of passage, and depsite having a healthy baby. the situation was far from healthy for you (or her maybe),..
I send you some love and warm wishes for healing.. many blessings mama.. you have a powerful story it may very well help some mamas along the road.
post #36 of 43
That sounds more like a sexual assault that obstetric care.
post #37 of 43
I didn't notice anyone had posted this website yet.
it deals mostly with the trauma of cesarean, but applies to any traumatic birth experience, and helped me greatly in processing the trauma I felt as a result of my first birth experience. You have every right to grieve the loss of the birth you wanted, for as long as you need to grieve. PTSD never goes completely away. I'm not saying you have it, but I do. The grief gets easier to live with, but it never goes away. It will be a part of me forever. And realizing that makes it easier for me to deal with it, in an odd sort of way. I have found that trying to hold back my emotions only makes me feel worse. It's when I allow myself to get them out, express them, that I can deal with them in a healthy way. Good for you for being brave enough to share your story with us!! It was two years after my first DD was born that I was able to write her birth story and talk about how I felt about it. I was pregnant with her little sister, and I had to work through all those feelings when I should have been peacefully gestating.
I used to have many more helpful websites, but lost all my favorites when my computer crashed last time. Birth trauma is very real, and very hard to deal with, especially if you have people telling you "all that matters is you have a healthy baby" because that totally invalidates what you are feeling. ((((HUG)))) You have the right to feel bad about the birth. It's ok. Give yourself permission to cry about it, scream about it, whatever you need to do to let those feelings loose.
post #38 of 43
Originally Posted by SaveTheWild
I think sending a letter to your doctor is a good idea. Even is she resists accepting her role in the bad birth experience, it will still make an impact on her, even if it is slight.
maybe all of the women who were willing to file a lawsuit should write a letter to her and a copy to the administration.I am sure it will have an impact,even though they might try to keep it quiet.They might pretend that they ignore it but the doctor will face some sort of consequences, I am sure.
post #39 of 43
www.victoriousbirth.com (not .org) and it looks like a great site! Thanks for sharing!

post #40 of 43

In grief over a bad birth experience too

I had to respond to your story. The birth of my son was very traumatic as well although the circumstances were very different. Luckily in my situation I did not suffer any physical trauma, but the emotional trauma was intense. I suffered from depression and PTSD and was able to get myself some help by seeing a counselor. I still feel the emotional pain almost daily but I am better able to deal with it. It also helped me feel better about myself and the decisions that I made during his birth- I did exactly what I should have done and made the decisions that were right for me and my baby at the time. I do not have control over the bad decisions and actions of others. I spent months writing letters of complaint, making phone calls and trying to draw attention to the person and the situation that deprived my son of the gentle, joyful home birth that we had planned for him. I did as much as I could and took my issues to a very high level, and friends and family encouraged me to continue to write letters, but after a while I realized that my activism was too painful for me and was preventing me from healing myself.

Many people have said to me- what’s the big deal- you and the baby were both healthy and everything turned out fine. Although I give thanks daily for these blessings, it doesn’t change the fact that people who were supposed to be in a position to help me put me in danger when I was very vulnerable and could not do very much to help myself. It is this sense of betrayal and violation and the frightening realization of having your whole life depend on someone who is hurting you that I replay in my head over and over. It is amazing to me how people can be both horrified at the situation of my son’s birth and then just dismiss my experience as “quite a story”. People who can’t understand why anyone would want a homebirth, which unfortunately is a lot of people, find it very difficult to understand why not having one is such a big deal- I didn’t get what I wanted but everything turned out all right- so what do I have to complain about? It’s as if the danger and fear and abuse of power never occurred because of the happy accident of my and my son’s safety. Giving birth is a very primal experience in which a woman is extremely vulnerable physically and emotionally. I think this is especially true of those who plan a natural birth. A negative birth experience has the unique opportunity to lodge deep inside you in the way that other disappointment, fear and pain doesn’t.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my thoughts on this subject and let you know that others are struggling with many of the same things that you are. I hope that you are able to find some hope and peace for yourself.

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