Is this normal PP/Preg. emotions or more? Whats wrong with me?

[darsmama]

First off, I am kind of embarassed to be airing all this out on a message board (especially where I know ppl irl) but I'm starting to think something might be wrong and I don't know if its normal PP stuff, stuff I need to see a shrink for, or something I need to get medicine for...I don't feel depressed so PPD dosen't seem likely, hence I'm posting here.

I think this plays in somehow with the anxiety but not sure: Had someone I love very much lie to me for quite a few years about them having cancer. Lived everyday for that person completely, to the exclusion of good friends/did poorly in school/felt guilty doing hobbies or anything for myself etc. Every xmas I was so sad it was going to be the 'last one'. etc. etc. I forgave the person and trying to move on, but I still have a big fear of losing someone I love.


Okay now unto my problem, before Darlene was born I had a lot of stuff going on (the whole problem above) and started being preoccupied with the fact that the shoe was going to drop and it was going to hit me hard. I worried about still birth, something wrong with her, everything! Now that shes born, I can't quit thinking that way! Or about the new baby either!

I worry about SIDS like a mad woman. I can't sleep if DH is sleeping for fear of it. It's amplified over the last 2 weeks, bad. I don't know why. Nothings really changed the last 2 weeks.

We had two hours the night she was born of all of us sleeping together. Not in 4 1/2 months have I slept through the night (well, slept when Darlene is sleeping at night and husband is sleeping).
He started school last week and is doing 10 hour days. Not sleeping when he was sleeping before was fine, b/c I could sleep while he was home and awake. Obviously, I can't sleep with him gone either! I'm almost OCD about checking her breathings, every 10/15 minutes during the night. The only time I've gotten a 8 hour block of sleep (broken, even) is when Darlene is with her "Grandma".

I am using not having a car as an excuse for doing stuff because I am deathly afraid I'm going to do something stupid when I do drive with her and get her killed! (I'm a safe driver w/ no accidents too). I really, really miss my freedom but its been so long since I've done something by myself (besides short trips to the store, its been a year since I've done something ALL BY MYSELF. and now, I have the most precious responsibility!) I'm afraid I'm going to mess up!

The thing that made me finally post this? We are driving home from a families house tonight and I kept having to look back on her and make sure she was in her car seat! I was getting anxiety thinking that she was going to disappear!

Maybe my problems are exaggerated by the insomnia, I don't know. But, I am really starting to feel like a crazy woman! I feel psycho, unfit, and angry. I look at my husband like "Why in the hell did I marry you!?" (Except hell isn't the word I think) and sometimes I feel like I hate him!

I had problems before Darlene was born, but I could deal with them and just hide them. Now, I feel like I don't have control over anything! The fact that I love her more then anyone in this world seems to make me feel all the more helpless!

There is a lot of mental illness in my family. Bi-polar/Hair pulling disease/etc. So, it could be I need meds. I don't know!

When I get to the point of accepting the fact maybe I need medication/counseling, I hear from my family "Its in your head" or "It will pass" or they feel guilty cause they think its something they caused!

I just don't think its normal. I want to be sane for Darlene and the new baby, and I want to be a happy person..Not worried, anxious, scared, incompetent, and angry.

What's wrong with me? Anyone else go through this? Is it a phase? Is it PPD, disguised? Or, just PP emotions?

Again, I'm really embarrassed to be airing this..but, I think I need help, or atleast reassurance that other moms go through this....

Thank you,
Katie

[OnTheFence]

I say run don't walk to see your health care provider. You described how I felt with no. 1. I also began to have audible hallucinations. I thought my baby was crying when she wasn't. Having gong through some similar things, I would say a little bit of being paranoid is fine -- but I suffered from not only PPD (which doesnt mean you are weeping or feeling down, but the other hinds you described) but PTSD. I did not get help the first time. It really stole the joy out of being a mother. My doc refused to give me meds because I breastfed and wouldn't quit. :
My second child we adopted and had induced lactation. All the same things came back but I wasn't depressed. I was agitated, suffered from insomnia, angry, frustrated, and paranoid. I stopped nursing and did something very uncharacteristic, I handed this new baby to a friend of mine and took a mental vacation.
I found out I was pregnant with no.3 and on my very first appointment I talked to my doctor. Since right then I was "fine" I didn't take anything, but after some research and some risk taking on the part of my Dr. and myself, I began taking anti-depr. in the third trimister. I took them after the baby was born for several weeks and then weaned myself off them because I was having some side effects from the meds, but it seemed to have helped me. For the first time, I enjoyed babyhood, nursing, cosleeping in a way I had never experienced before.
I am pregnant again and experienced anxiety and depression in the beginning. (I posted about it in another forum here). I spoke to my doctor who said it would most likely decrease after the placenta took over making progesterone. She was right. She also offered me meds, but I really wanted to wait. I am considering trying another drug later in pregnancy to ward off PPD this time. I am already setting up a support system for that time frame too.
Get help. Its nothing to be ashamed of. Find a local support group, talk to a therapist. Get some sleep. Sleep is imparitive for people who are suffereing with what you have described. Lack of sleep makes it work. Consider pumping and letting your DH or maybe a mothers helper give your baby a bottle so you can sleep. There is no crime in this. You aren't a bad mother if you do this.

And HUGS!

[georgia]

I agree with Kim---there is nothing, nothing to be ashamed of. I think it's such a positive step that you are reaching out. (((hugs)))

There's an entire spectrum of PPD....have you seen the on-line quiz on the PPD forum here?

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=201141

You are SO not alone with this!!! I've been there, and I never want to go back. I'm happy to see you know something's wrong. I couldn't admit it for way longer than I care to admit.

PM me if you need a shoulder or someone to virtually hold your hand.

[cottonwood]

Wow, I am SO glad you posted about this. No, it is not normal. No, you should not feel ashamed. And yes, get help as soon as you can!

I don't know exactly what the base cause of all this is, but I can tell you that lack of sleep will exacerbate it greatly. I'd say the first order of business should be for you to get lots and lots of rest. I'd consider something like having "grandma" to come stay with you awhile, or your husband taking a break from school. I know that's inconvenient, but this is important.

[Dodo]

Oh dear. I have another perspective. I do the carseat thing all the bloody time. For me, it *is* normal, and I don't worry about being mentally ill. I also will do just about anything to avoid driving with wee babies. It just freaks me out. I'm sure that if I was pregnant on top of being a new mom, my fears would be aggravated like yours.

[Mamabeakley]

Originally Posted by darsmama

Now, I feel like I don't have control over anything!

When I get to the point of accepting the fact maybe I need medication/counseling, I hear from my family "Its in your head" or "It will pass" or they feel guilty cause they think its something they caused!

I just don't think its normal.

I have a few thoughts. One thing is, you don't have control over a lot of things. This is a spiritual fact (in my experience) but sometimes it can be overwhelmingly scary to acknowledge it. For me. And I know that when my anxiety level is high, I am MOST LIKELY to worry about the things that I am LEAST able to control. Which in turn feeds my anxiety. The more I can focus on seeing the difference between what I can control & what I can't control (and then on only thinking about/trying to change the stuff I can control) the better I feel.

I think a lot of what you are describing is normal (but maybe amplified/extreme versions of) mommy/pregnant lady stuff . . . but if you don't feel "normal" or okay then it IS a problem and you have a responsibility to yourself and your babes to seek out support and help.

It may be hard for your family to hear and acknowledge the reality you're living with. But you deserve to acknowledge it for yourself, and your babies. A phrase I often use when my dh is deep in denial about something is, "you don't have to like it and you don't even have to agree with me, but this is what I need to do." This often lets him get off my back b/c it acknowledges his right to have a different opinion - and my right to act according to my conscience/needs/responsibilities.

Take care.

[mandalamama]

lack of restful sleep can cause so many problems, please get help as soon as you can. for some reason i couldn't sleep more than 1 hour a day after Willow was born, within 2 weeks i was hallucinating and freaking out pretty much all day every day. i had to take medications that affected Willow so i had to stop breastfeeding, i went on Effexor to prevent PPD while i was at it. i felt better 2 weeks after that, although i did feel a bit better after i started sleeping again. she's 12 weeks old and i still check her breathing, though, she sleeps either next to me in her co-sleeper and i sleep with my hand on her, or she sleeps on my chest. she has reflux and that can cause apnea which freaks me out. but i started obsessing about her breathing during those first 3 weeks, so i think it's an aftereffect. all i know is, if you don't sleep, you can't take care of yourself and then you end up not being able to care for the baby. so getting at least some sleep is a #1 priority! if you need meds to sleep, it's not a shameful thing, because you'd be doing it so you can care for your child.