When your child is being bullied ...

[merpk]

... how do you deal?

What do you say to him? Do you give advice or just support?
Do you tell the teachers (if it's a school thing)?
Do you talk to the bully's parents?

In another thread this subject came up and there was a reference to an article about bullying, & a search shows that it's in #70, but they don't have that back issue available for sale, so I can't go that route. So I need the mamas here to advise ...

Thanks ...

- Amy

[lisamarie]

My ds has dealt with this a bit. Its w/someone he has known since birth and the child is only 8 wks. older, but 20 lbs. bigger and quite a few inches higher. My son's personality is one of being laid back and sensitive. The other child is bossy and he can be a bully.

Since I know the parents well, I did talk w/the mom. Luckily, she was very open and listened really well. There are other issues going on (we think), in her son's life and he is really acting out right now. But, he has always been this way to my ds. She was going to work w/him on things. Hopefully, things will get better for now.

I have talked w/my ds about trying to empower him in those situations. He is going to begin a Tae Kwon Do class this month. Not that I want him to fight, but I do want him to be able to take care of myself. We talk about what he is good at~running really fast, etc. Also, we talk about him using his words w/this boy. Telling him that he won't play w/him if he continues to be mean. My ds is so sensitive, that he doesn't want to hurt another child's feelings, even though his are being hurt.

I also want to go to the library to see if there are some children's books about this topic, to read to him.

My heart goes out to you. Its so hard as a parent to watch your child go through this.

Much Love~

Lisa

[Pynki]

i haven't really had to deal with this issue, but i think if it is going on at school i would tell the teacher and if they did't seem to want to do anything i would tell the principal and if they didn't want to do anything i would go all the way up to the school superintendent... Someone should tell the kids that it is NOT ok to pick on someone weaker or smaller or different from you...

I know that i try my hardest to tell my boys (there little 4 and 2) that if they see someone being mean to someone else they should tell them to stop... And they should try to help the person who is sad. .. I know that bullying seems to be a natural part of childhood and the people you pick on one week can be your best friends the next.. (I know it happened with me and that was 15 years ago or more and we are still friends) but if it is going on day after day after day it eats away at the other person's soul.

Iguess i really don't have much advice... I would let someone know who would be in a position to make it stop... I would also encourage/ support my child in anyway i could...

This is a really hard issue and i hope you get some very helpful replies from other people here who have perhaps had to deal with this more..

BEst of Luck Amy

[candiland]

Well, I wouldn't really call it "bullying", because I don't think this other child is really trying to hurt my DD, but it frustrates me, none the less. My DD's close friend is eight months older than her. So when they run and play "chasing" games, her friend is always grabbing her and gets really rough; one time she actually threw her down on the ground and her head hit the pavement really hard. So now I'm a worry wart when they play; when things are getting rough and loud, I am constantly reminding them to keep their hands off one another so my DD doesn't get hurt. The other girl's mom kind of laughs and says, "Oh, let them be kids", or something to that affect. But HER kid isn't the one who gets hurt when they start playing rougher games! So I'm not sure if I'm being overprotective or rational, kwim?:

[bestjob]

Barbara Coloroso (sp?) has a new book called "The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander". I'm waiting for it at the library, so I haven't read it myself, but I think she has wonderful ideas about raising kids, so I'm sure it's full of good advice.

[3boys4us]

Yammer - isn't that boys code type of thing? I've read in some book that boys look for someone who doesn't fight back esp. when they reach middle school age. Then that poor kid becomes a target.

Amy - ds#1 who's 8 is pretty quiet but fairly friendly. He has had several run ins with one kid and I have stepped in. I called the school, talked to the bus driver and called his parents. My son had no problem with it and it has since slowed down (not completely stopped). Dh told my son that it was okay to fight back since this kid was contantly hitting my son in a not so friendly way. I have to admit I didn't say anything different. Ds#2 who's 6 had a run in with the same kid but ds#2 is a tougher person and did confront him both verbally and physically and the kid doesn't bother him. But ds#1 is more cautious and less likely to fight back.

What's your situation? Your son is pretty young though isn;t he?

[Liz]

I was bullied at one point in my childhood and I've been worrying that my son will too (he's only 2.5 now). I never told my parents but they have admitted recently that they suspected I was being bullied but preferred to let me deal with it (I'm thinking in retrospect they were kind of Waldorfian parents). Anyway, I wish they had helped me out. I don't know how old your child is but what if you talked it over with him/her and came up with a plan together? Suggest some options: Mom can talk to the bully or parent or teacher; Mom and child can talk to the bully or parent or teacher; child can talk to the bully or parent or teacher; child can avoid the bully; etc. I would have really appreciated knowing my parents were willing to go to bat for me and just knowing that may have given me the courage to deal with it myself. In the end some of my friends helped me get out of her clutches.

[journeymom]

Hmmm. I was one of those picked on girls. I was at the bottom of the social totem poll sometimes. I would have appreciated some help from Mom.

Candiland, I've been wondering about that delima, too. Am I over protective of my dd? I finally decided this one of those times where it's better to be over protective. Maybe you're not over sensitive, maybe this other mom is under sensitive. Either way, it feels right to me to come to my dd's aid. Even if it's just comiserating with her or offering sympathy after the fact.

I agree, girls react to assistance differently than boys! DH says he would have been embarrassed if his parents had stepped in to help him with his fights.

[merpk]

Thanks for the suggestions ...

Rene, DS is 4.5, and in a preschool. The main "antagonist" is a kid who is known to have problems, he has a "shadow" at school (not allowed to come without her) and it's better than last year, but hey, they were only 3 last year ... and who ever heard of a 3yo bully??? :

DS is also easily the smallest boy, and that's not likely to change (DH & I are both short) so I wonder if this is going to be a theme for his life.

- Amy

[Maisie]

Hi..I'm not sure if this is helpful but my 4 year old dd was being bullied at pre-school by a certain boy..I tried talking to his mom but she wasn't interested so we invited him over to play one afternoon...we had a picnic, talked and done some crafts. I stayed with them the whole time and we had no problems and they have been friends ever since. They'll never be best buddies but this approach really worked for us and has sorted the problem out.

HTH

Maisie

[3boys4us]

DS is also easily the smallest boy, and that's not likely to change (DH & I are both short) so I wonder if this is going to be a theme for his life.

I completely sympathize. All my kids are on the smaller side - maybe not the smallest but definately smaller then a lot of their peers (dh is tall but didn't hit puberty until high school). I also wonder about this and have all sorts of mixed emotions. On one hand I am proud of raising such a friendly and empathtic ds#1 who will not use violence. On the other, I want him to step up and be aggressive when he needs to be.

Needless to say my 2 younger boys don't seem to have this problem and I wonder if it's an older child sort of thing.

My advice would be to keep an eye on it. It's one thing for boys not to want you to step in when they're 12 or 13 yrs. Another thing entirely when they're 4 or 5. I have no problem with saying something to the other parents or to administrators at school.

Dh feels very strongly that if a boy is being physically picked on he should be allowed to throw a few back. I can't really say. I think my thoughts on my own kid are far from impartial. My ds#1 is very cautious and timid and I highly doubt that this will change throughout his childhood.