middle school scares me!

[Verity]

My ds is in his last year of elementary school, and I have been pleased overall with his public school experience. The thought of sending him to public middle school and high school scares me senseless, though. Part of me feels as if I'm going to be throwing him to the wolves, i.e., his peers! Although I did well academically, the social pressures of school crushed my self-esteem. I just don't want to see that happen to my children.

What can I do, short of pulling him out of school and homeschooling him?

[CarrieMF]

Are there any smaller towns around that you could put him in?

I have told dh that my kids will not be going to the middle and high schools here. Sure they teach them things that we never had an opportunity to when we were in school but the disadvantages outweight that. Right now my kids already go to the school that is at the bad end of town and will probably be labelled in other schools because of that. The quality of education, teachers and atmosphere is better than in some of the schools in the other areas where they have cliques(mostly parental cliques but the kids learn it) in Kindergarten. When they go to middle school though the teen pregnancy rate is very high and I know of at least 1 family where their dd was threatened by another student with a knife. There is a very bad clique going on in that school with clothing(if you don't wear the right kind you are ostracized).

My kids will be in a small town school, preferably in my hometown. Right now the area we live in has 25,000, but will be around 50,000 in the next few years. It is all about money, status, oil. In my hometown there are 1200 people and the sorts of things that I mentioned above that happen here(and worse in larger centers) do not happen in that town.

[MsMoMpls]

Just think of it as boot camp for life. It is intense social skills training and if you had a rough time of it, it is hard to be optimistic for your child but he might just love it. Some kids really find their place... it isn't all bad. Remember, that enormous focus on relationships is just what his brain and hormones want right now. Be brave Momma and just see what happens. It might be a blast for both of you.

[Verity]

Another school isn't an option--we don't have school choice. Moving isn't an option, either. (It's a long story.) The school he is supposed to attend is arguably one of the best in the state, but I live in GA so that isn't saying much. :LOL I am doing the best I can with a bad situation (i.e., the schools in this state are terrible when compared on a national level), but the social issues really concern me.

Elementary school kids still act like kids, but it seems that when children hit middle school they're suddenly adult wannabes who don't realize they're still KIDS. There is SO much pressure on children to be too grown-up too soon. I am worried that I am just adding fuel to the fire by leaving my ds to those influences so much of every weekday. OTOH, I am worried that I just don't have what it takes to homeschool.

I also realize that I have never experienced middle school, so I really don't have a clue what it's like. When I was in school, 6th and 7th grade were part of elementary school. High school started with 8th grade. I definitely have a fear of the unknown, in that I never went to middle school (and neither did my dh), and that I think the social pressures I grew up with back in the 70s are NOTHING compared to the school environment today.

I definitely need to talk to parents whose kids are currently in middle school. Yea, school can be tolerable if you're an athlete or otherwise find your way into the "in" crowd, but what about the vast majority of kids who are "out"? Can school be something other than miserable?

[moondiapers]

I was teased horribly, verging on suicidal through most of grade school....but I LOVED highschool. There were so many more opportunities to make friends. It was easier to find people with similar interests because there were clubs to join, after school activities etc.

[Verity]

It's so hard to separate yourself from your own experience. I LOVED school through 7th grade. Even though I was teased by neighbors (I had horrible buck teeth from 4th grade until I got braces in 6th grade), I was not teased at school, and felt completely in my element there. I guess you could say I was a "teacher's pet." Then, in 8th grade (high school for me), I was suddenly a social zero. (It is a TERRIBLE idea to have 8th graders in school with 12th graders, and I am glad that doesn't happen here anymore.) I still did well in school, but I was never in the "in" crowd, even with the teachers. Also, by high school, academic achievement wasn't as valued among my peers. You were nothing unless you were an athlete and/or gorgeous. The only saving grace in high school came at the end, when I graduated at the top of the class.

The possibility that my child will be a "social zero" isn't the greatest of my worries, though. I worry more about drugs and sex. (I think of the scene in Freaky Friday in which the Jamie Lee Curtis character is dropping her daughter at school, sees all the kids dressed provocatively and some of them practically making out in public, and says to her daughter: "Make good choices!") I have no clue how regular kids handle those pressures. I was absolutely not the typical high school kid--I did not smoke, drink, do drugs or date. Being the perfect student was my survival mechanism in a dysfunctional family, and I didn't dare rock the boat at home by acting like a normal teenager. I was also painfully shy, and that made dating an impossibility because I wasn't pretty enough that boys just approached me.

Even though I am giving my son a much more normal home life and, I hope, stronger self-esteem going into the jungle of high school, it is just so hard to see him getting into this stage of his life. I just wish he could skip right to college, where it is ok to be yourself! I know homeschooling wouldn't fix all of these problems for him, though.

[lab]

I just wanted to drop and say that I am in the exact same boat as you....

My ds is doing well in school and is in the AIG program. We are in one of the best school districts in 2 states. He is well liked blah blah blah

I am terrified of middle school. I have not heard ONE good thing about the middle school he is supposed to attend. The principle despises parents and ignores the teachers. The turnover rate for teachers is unbelievable. The school is overcrowded. The principal doesn't even see fit to return parents phone calls when a bus driver sent a student sexually suggestive emails! And people are flocking to this school because of the test scores... Go figure. Oh, and because of the money at this school, drugs are rampant! More than your usual middle school.

A previous poster mentioned that you should look at it like it is boot camp for pre-teens. But I just can't do it. My mom thinks I'm overprotective. And I probably am to some degree. My thinking though is that I would be setting my son up for failure.... Not to mention myself. I am a very proactive, involved parent. What sort of messy, confrontational life would I have if he were at this school where parents are viewed as a nuisance and unnecessary?

I intend to home school beginning next year. I really don't want to just because my son and I both have great relationships with the kids/parents he has been in school with for 6 years. I will truly miss my friends and so will he. I know I sound like we are dying, but homeschooling really will change the dynamic of my day.

I feel ya!

Is homeschooling an option for you? I know I could teach my son better than the current curriculum. And he wants me too!

Good Luck!

Keep us posted....

[Verity]

I don't know as much about the middle school ds would attend as you know about the one in your area, lab, but I have heard some bad things about the high school (rampant sex and drugs). Part of me feels overprotective, but part of me is SCREAMING not to send my ds into public middle school and high school.

Yes, I am considering homeschooling. When I have more than a minute, I will PM you!!

[camprunner]

I'm a middle school teacher and middle school is definately rough because it is a confusing time for kids. However there seem to be a few things kids who do well have in common

1. If possible get him involved in sports or another extra curricular activity. The more people he is aquainted with the more "accepted" he will feel which will probably make things a bit less awkward.

2. Love him! Love him! Love him!

3. Teach him to stick to his principles.

3. Be involved (even if behind the scenes by calling teachers, other parents etc.)

If he has confidence in himself then others will sense that and love him too.

[lab]

Originally Posted by camprunner

I'm a middle school teacher and middle school is definately rough because it is a confusing time for kids. However there seem to be a few things kids who do well have in common

1. If possible get him involved in sports or another extra curricular activity. The more people he is aquainted with the more "accepted" he will feel which will probably make things a bit less awkward.

2. Love him! Love him! Love him!

3. Teach him to stick to his principles.

3. Be involved (even if behind the scenes by calling teachers, other parents etc.)

If he has confidence in himself then others will sense that and love him too.

Then I'm not doing too bad!

He is very involved with friends and so-so with sports. He's an intellectual, so he would enjoy chess club etc - although he's not too bad at b-ball.....

I do love him, love him love him! We are very close and open with one another.

I am OVER involved. I am on the PTO executive board now and if I do send him to middle school - I would be on the board. It goes without saying that I build relationships with teachers - they have my kids for 8 hours...

Your post made me feel better. But I'm still on the fence.....

[Verity]

My ds has never been interested in (playing) sports, and I don't want to push him into something he doesn't want to do. He seemed to have more friends when he was younger, but doesn't invite people over much anymore. One of dh's first objections when I started talking about homeschooling was, "But you said you're worried because he doesn't have many friends!"

I have tried to keep up a good relationship with teachers, but find it hard to be involved at the school at this stage of the game. I have had a baby or toddler at home most of the time while ds has been school-age (my kids are 10, 7 and 3), I get overwhelmed easily when I have too many outside commitments, and his current school has a strict no-siblings policy for parents who volunteer in the classroom. (I couldn't bring one of my other children on a field trip or even to a class party!)

Next year, my youngest will be going to preschool 4 days a week, and will there for 5 hours some days. I'll finally have more time to devote to being involved at the older kids' schools, but I feel pretty sure that middle school doesn't allow for the kind of involvement you can have at the elementary school level. Even now, when ds is still in elementary school, I don't know how to stay involved with his teachers. Teachers in higher e.s. grades don't seem to want parents volunteering in the classroom the way my younger dd's teacher (first grade) does. I could try to get involved with the PTO (frankly, it seems like a clique that I could never break into), but that still doesn't put me in contact with the teachers, does it?

Neither option (homeschooling or keeping ds in school) seems appealing.

[camprunner]

Verity, I would express your concerned about not feeling involved enough at school to his principal. As far as ways parents are involved in our system parents are involved as testing proctors, substitute teachers (not sure if this is a possibility for you), helping with school projects and fund raisers, parent teacher conferences, guest speakers, etc. In the town where my husband grew up parents are designated drivers for teens who feel like they can't call their own parents. I've had parents who came into observe me just because I was a new teacher at this school. Many parents at our school drop their children off (and stop by the teachers' rooms and have a chat though I'll admit we're usually pretty busy getting materials laid out at that time) and pick them up and again get out of the car and talk to teachers. At anytime you should be able to request a meeting with your child's team just to check his progress. Oh and maybe if your dh can watch the kids you could chaperone a dance?

Sports was just an example. All of our students are required to find a club to join (they meet during the day once a month) because research shows that clubs put them at lower risk for undesirable behaviors and lifetime outcomes.

Just some ideas. Middle School is definately not easy at a public school but that is just such an awkward age anyway.

[Verity]

I appreciate the ideas, camprunner. If we do keep ds in school, I'm definitely going to jump in with both feet at ds's middle school, and do a lot more at dd's elementary school.

[A&A]

Even if you don't have "school choice," per se, most districts allow you to put in a "boundary exemption request." This needs to be filed early--Jan. or Feb. Then, if the school to which you want to transfer has room, they will let you transfer. But, if that school is overcrowded, your request will be turned down.

PS. You can put in a "boundary exemption request" into a district even if you don't live in that district. (at least in my state)