Homework battles

[Ruby Pearl]

I have a 4 1/2 yr. old in J.K. She loves school and learning and gets bored and sad when it is not a school day. She does not seem to be having any problems in school, but when we try to help her learn at home (doing homework sheets), she just shuts down. I get so frustrated by this. Tonight we were doing a sheet counting to ten. She got to 3 and then insisted that she did not know how to do it. She has been able to count to 10 since she was 2 yr. old so I know she CAN do it and I get very frustrated that she is being stubborn about this. I just don't understand why she will sit there on her own and count things with no problems whatsoever, but then will refuse to when I am trying to help her with her homework or teaching her counting in other ways (like getting her to help me count out tablespoons of an ingredient in a recipe or a cup of coffee). After I got very frustrated and gave up on her homework, she went ahead and finished the rest of it with no problem whatsoever. I just don't get it!!!! We go though this same battle every time. I have tried asking her how they do it at school and how she wants me to help her and she just says "I don't know". I have tried giving her huge amounts of praise when she gets a number right and giving her rewards for finishing it. I don't know what else to do and need some encouragement and advice and any insight there is to offer.

[Ruby Pearl]

please.

[moondiapers]

Sounds like she does much better if you just leave her to do it. I'd set up a place for her to do homework, let her know what's expected of her, and leave the rest up to her.


-Heather

[Linda KS]

Originally Posted by Ruby Pearl

We go though this same battle every time.

So stop it. No 4 year old needs to do homework. If they send home a sheet and she wants to do it fine. If she doesn't do it, that needs to be fine too.

I have tried giving her huge amounts of praise when she gets a number right and giving her rewards for finishing it.

Actually, the more you do these things the less desire she will have to do this sort of work. I suggest you read "Punished by Rewards" by Kohn.

There are many wonderful ways for a young child to learn. Most of them do not involved worksheets.

[stafl]

you'll probably get more answers in the learning at school forum, so I'm moving this thread there. good luck!

[thoesly]

Does she have homework every night? My son is in kindergarten, and he gets a letter worksheet every Monday that is due on Friday. He also gets math homework sheets about every 3 weeks, and he has at least 2 weeks to finish them. He may also have short, fun worksheets in between -- but they really are more the fun type. We are able to break up his homework into small steps, and if he's having a bad day, we can skip the homework on that day (though we always have "homework time" just to keep the habit -- since it overlaps snack time, he has no problem with it). It does seem odd to have required worksheets everyday at such a young age. My only other thought is that you might want to make a phone call to the teacher to find out how they do the work in the classroom (math is usually manipulatives at this age) -- she might have some suggestions to make it easier.

[Houdini]

My kids never had homework at that age. I can't imagine why they would have needed to do homework, especially since she is doing just fine in class.
My first grader has a baggie book to read each evening and that is all the schoolwork he has to do at home.
My second grader never has assigned homework. The teacher suggests we encourage math facts and reading, but nothing required.
My third grader has math homework each night, but the teacher gives them time in class to work on it and he usually finishes it in school. We just look over it at home to help with any corrections.
I would find out why the teacher feels the need to assign homework at this level. The school my crew goes to didn't start homework until third grade with the exception of reading baggie books.

[EFmom]

My dd had a fair amount of homework in K--probably more than she did in 1st grade. I think it's because the very academic but fairly cheap school district only does half day K but wants to cover the same amount of material as they would if they had full day K.

For my dd, the key thing is to have her do her homework as early in the day as possible. If she waits until after dinner, it will take her an hour to do the same work she could have done in 5 minutes earlier in the day.

I also tend to agree with moondiapers. Have a set place and time for homework and let her get to it. I'd let her know that I was available for help if she needs it, but otherwise just keep out of it and see how she does.

[cmb123]

I can't fathom my 4 1/2 yr old being assigned homework ( funny though, cause my 4 1/2 yro wishes she had homework because her sibs do )
Even though she likes school so much, maybe when she's home, she doesn't want you to be teacher, she just wants you to be Mommy. It's a long day (even if it's half day school) for a kid that age.
What would happen if she just doesn't do the homework? I kinda feel like as a parent, you could make that judgement call. Especially if you know she already knows the information. And goodness knows there are much better ways to teach a 4yro to count to ten than worksheets!
Save the homework battles for Junior High

[2tadpoles]

They give them homework that young to get them in the habit of doing homework.

Just another way for them to intrude upon family life.

If she has been counting to ten since age 2, then why does she need help with the worksheet? It sounds to me like she either resents the implication that she needs help, or that she's just bored because she already knows it. Either way, the homework sounds like a waste of time. If she wants to learn at home, teach her things she doesn't already know.

[alegna]

I agree that 4.5 is young for homework. If it was my kiddo she would only do it if she WANTED to and I would make that clear to the teacher.

-Angela

[CarrieMF]

Have you tried wording things in a different way. Asking a kid how they do something at school, or what they did you are automatically going to get "I don't know" or "I don't remember". If you change the wording to something more open ended ("Did you do X, Y, Z in math today") then you will get a better answer. Make sure she has eaten before starting homework, low blood sugar = power battles. Ask the teacher if the homework has to be done or if it is optional and ask how the teacher teacher them the work. Remember that kids need alot of prodding to remember what they did at 9am when it is 4pm, even high school kids do not always remember right away.

[Ruby Pearl]

Thank you all for your replies. There are a lot of really good ideas here. I talked to her teacher today and she has been having the same problem with her at school. We are going to try to work together to figure it out.

I feel like I need to clarify that I don't care about the homework per say, it's just homework, but the issue is with her insisting she doesn't know how to do something that I know she can. Homework was just the most recent/prominent example. We have also had this issue with getting herself dressed, brushing her teeth, picking up toys, blowing her nose (this is a big one), looking for this or that lost item, etc.

I just want to understand my little girl and make her life as happy and easy as possible.

I would still appreciate continued input on this situation not relating so much to the homework issue, but to the refusal issues. Any insight is welcome either way.

[Ruby Pearl]

I am still looking forward to reading some more great replies to my problem. Any more advice for me anybody?

[alegna]

Ah yes, the 4 year old "I don't know how"s... :LOL If that's the main issue, and it's showing up everywhere, I think it's just the age. When I taught 3-6 year olds this was a stage we saw with a lot of the kids around 4. What worked best for me was to make it into a joke. "You don't know HOW to brush your teeth?" :LOL "Sure you do! Remember when we learned that when you were 3?" "Silly girl..." All said with lots of love and hugs and the general feeling that you have all the faith in the world in her.

Good luck! I remember some 4s that would drive me up the wall with this. BUT, the more seriously you take them the more they seem to get wrapped up in it. Turning it around seemed to get them out of it faster.

-Angela

[Ruby Pearl]

Thank you for letting me know this isn't just my kid's issue. That is very reassuring to know that it is not something I have done wrong. I have tried joking with her about it and not taking her seriously, but she is a very serious kid and gets angry when someone reacts this way.

I want to add that part of the homework problem that adds to the frustration is that she is the one who comes to me with the desire to do it. She asks me to help her do her homework and then digs her heels into not doing it. If I try to leave it she gets upset. If she told me she didn't want to do it I would never MAKE her do it, it's JK for goodness sakes.

Why does she ask me to help her and then refuse to accept my help?

I wonder if this is just an attention getting tactic, (lightbulb moment?). hmmm, maybe this is her way of competing indirectly with the baby for my attention.

This is why I love having all of you to talk to. Sometimes having a sounding baord helps me see something I may not have seen before.

Continued input is still muchly appreciated.

[Linda KS]

Originally Posted by Ruby Pearl

She asks me to help her do her homework and then digs her heels into not doing it. If I try to leave it she gets upset.

I think it would be better for her to be unhappy that for her to boss you around. It sounds like you are willing to help her with anything -- even basic self help things she should be doing for her self. I think that when we give a child *more* help than they need, it is as harmful for them as if we give them *less* help than they need.

With getting dressed or whatever, make sure she has what she needs and walk away. She might be unhappy, but she needs a clear message from you that she is a competant person who can take care of herself. She needs to know that you to believe in her more than she needs to be happy.

(I didn't let my kids brush their own teeth at that age, though.)

[alegna]

A couple of good points. - I think you're onto something with the new baby. She wants attention too, and if being a BABY gets it, then maybe she should be too. SO, try to give her lots of praise and attention for the "big girl" things she does. Even if they're things that she's done for awhile. Just so that she can feel appreciated for who she is and where she is and doesn't feel like being a baby gets more attention than being a little girl.

Also the PP has a point about not giving too much help. Maybe if she's putting on shoes say "you put them on, then I'll help you buckle them" and wait while she does her part. Just a motivation go get moving in the right direction.

Good luck!

-Angela

[Ruby Pearl]

I do let her dress herself and am very adamant about not helping her with things that I know she is capable of doing on her own, but it is still a power struggle to get it done because I do refuse to help her. I let her pick out her own clothes and expect her to put them on herself and when she claims that she "doesn't know how" I just say "then I guess your'e gonna get pretty cold today", eventually she will get dressed on her own, but we have to have this dialogue several times and she pretty much has a tantrum over it and will even go to her room and slam her door. After the tantrum she will get dressed and come down like nothing ever happened. Teeth brushing is another issue. She refuses to let me do it, but then says she doesn't know how. I don't want to have to physically restrain her and force the toothbrush into her mouth.

She came down with a fever tonight, so I wonder if maybe this has anything to do with our earlier battles this week?

On another note, today she was miraculously able to count out 10 cheerios for me so that she could feed them to her baby sister.

[lauren]

Rubypearl, my 6 yr old has been doing the same thing with homework lately, and we have a new baby too! Hmmmm. I think you're on to something, and I hadn't thought of this!