Homework battles - Page 2

[Ruby Pearl]

It was just a thought, but when I remember back we had issues with I don't know how before the baby came, but it could still be related. My pregnancy took alot of me away from her too as did working. I have been trying to give her lots of extra attention and praise. She was throwing up last night, so she is home from school today.

[Kirsten]

After reading your original post, my immediate thought was "baby sibling". As I read on through the replies and found out you do have a new baby, I was just feeling like Nancy Drew!

I think it is a cross between her age, the new baby, and (do you want my honest opinion?)..... not giving her enough control/choices without judgment. I don't know a way to say it that is less likely to offend - none meant so I hope none taken! When you said she didn't want to wear her coat and you told her she'd be cold if she didn't - she may be thinking "I'll freeze before I let her be right!" Try letting the consequence do the teaching. "Do you want to wear your coat or carry it?" You (mom) wear a coat as a good example. Sympathy if she chooses not to wear it and complains of the cold. But bite your tongue and don't lecture that she'd be warm if she'd brought her coat. That stops her thinking (she is smart and knows this already - that is my hardest parenting lesson - to NOT tell them what they already know. It infers that they are too slow to figure it out.) If she chooses not to wear her coat a couple of times (and you don't get into it with her), she will decide to wear it the next time. Just one example from a class I've taken - Love and Logic. There are books by Jim Fay and Foster Cline.

Other thing that worked great for me when adjusting the older one(s) to a new sibling was to "talk" for the baby. I used a high pitched little baby voice so it was obvious it was baby "talking". Baby would "talk" to big sister and it would go something like this -
"Whatcha doing, Sister?"
"Building a Lego house" (baby would only ask when big sis was doing something "big" and not able to be done by babies)
"Oh, that looks fun! Can I do it too?"
laughing, "no, you are too little" (some may not like this but it helps the older one feel big and helped my kids adjust to a sibling)
"when can I, Sister? How big do I have to get?"
"maybe when you are one I can help you"
"oh, that would be great. It is hard to wait for something so fun..."

I think it pointed out to my kids (without going into a lecture about it - I am famous for that and am trying to quit) that they can do lots of things that babies can't do. Important because right now she may be thinking that baby gets everything good and she is on the short end of the stick. Not saying you are doing that, just that she may perceive it that way. I also think it built a relationship between my kids before the baby was old enough to really participate in said relationship much. My kids loved this (me talking for the baby) and asked me to for long after they knew it was me. Sometimes they'd ask a question, I'd answer, and they'd say "MOM! I was talking to Lexie!" It was cute to hear them have "conversations".

Good luck getting through this phase. It too shall pass. I try to remember that whether good or bad, most things are a phase and try not to get too worried or too excited about anything!

[chfriend]

I think regression is normal when a baby is born. I'd help her get dressed, help her brush her teeth, ask if she wanted me to pick out her clothes, get her drinks and snacks.

I believe that they find independence on their own when they are ready. Mine is 4 and has very independent days and days when she is really little.

If you let her experience the regression she needs, I think she'll surge ahead on her own.

I'd "baby" her.

[Ruby Pearl]

Kirsten, do you think it is the same thing as telling her what to do if I say "well then you know what you need to do" when she complains of being cold (as an example)?

I do do the baby talk thing too, actually she talks in a baby voice for the baby sometimes to and likes to tell her friends what the baby can and can't do, like when her cousin asked if the baby could have grapes she replied "no, she's too little, she only has mama milk".

I try hard to let her make her own guided choices whenever possible.Sometimes I remind her to make "smart choices", but I still try to let it be her choice and to let her learn the consequences of her choices.

I'll try to be more aware of what I am letting her have power over and when I am steeping in uneccessarily. How would you handle teeth brushing? Not doing it is not an option so how should I let her have power over this?

By the way, no offence taken. I may not always like what other people have to say, but as long as it is said with no disrespect I try to look at it from their perspective and see something I may not have been able to notice before. It is like looking at the clouds, you see a bunny, I see a train, but we are both right.

Ch firend, I would love it if she would let me baby her, but if I try to help her when she is struggling with something she just yells NO at me. I try to just tell her to ask for help if she needs it instead.

I think she just needs more cuddle time and one on one attention, but I have to figure out a way to juggle her needs with a baby who needs me constantly too and my own needs as well (which are usually ignored until they get really bad) as well as my husbands needs too. I feel like there is not enough of me to go around and everyone wants to be "on me" constantly. I am the type of person who needs time alone to be able to think straight and I don't think this need is getting met lately and that is probably part of why this is bothering me so much. I just want everyone in my household to be happy and feel like it is my job to make this happen.

[chfriend]

Ruby P,

I really see the bind you're in. It sounds just exhausting! And honestly when my dd starts yelling "no" at me I get so discouraged. (In my case, it's that I don't play baby dolls right )

This is what made me think it might be better to just let her regress at bit:

"I do let her dress herself and am very adamant about not helping her with things that I know she is capable of doing on her own, but it is still a power struggle to get it done because I do refuse to help her. "

With mine, I offer to dress her. I offer to do things I know she can do because adjust to a baby just stinks for the older sibling. She grows in competence anyway and we don't have to spend a lot of time in power struggles. I have to keep focusing and remembering to *enjoy* them!

Beanma had some great suggestions, and I gotta say she's a great mom in real life. A book that helps me is "Playful Parenting" by Cohen. Helps me "lighten up" in those intense 4 year old moments!

[Kirsten]

When she complains of being cold, I would acknowledge her comment in a brief, neutral way (not inferring what she should do - let her cold arms convince her to wear the coat). I might say something like "looks like it" or "I bet" or "wow, I can see goose bumps on your arms". Just to let her know you heard her and can sympathize. Less words the better. If you think about it, why do you wear your coat? Is it because your mom told you to? I wear mine to keep myself warm. Cold arms will remind me better than anything else. Some people find Love and Logic cold or uncaring. It really isn't - I find it very loving to teach the child (by not making too many choices or reminding too much) to listen to their body - eat when hungry, stop when full, coat when it is cold, sleep when tired. Life will teach it if I just get out of the way. Hate it when I am not as needed as I think!

I was recently answering questions in a survey. One of them was "do you make your child eat their dinner?" I answered 1 (on a scale from 1 to 5 - 5 being strongly agree). The questioner stopped and asked me if that was really what I meant. It was fairly obvious she expected I would make my child eat her dinner. I put decent choices in front of them - sometimes they eat two platefuls and sometimes just a bite or two. I don't want them to eat til I think they're full - I want them to eat until THEY are full. They go through growth spurts and eat as much as dh sometimes. Other times barely enough to keep a bird alive. It all evens out and I am so not worried about it. I am hoping to avoid food issues by not being controlling about something over which I really have no control. I buy the clothes; that I can control. But what they eat (what is offered yes but what they actually consume of that, no), when they fall asleep, toilet issues - all are out of my control and I only beg to lose those battles if I even try. I am trying to learn to pick my battles.

I hear you on the tooth brushing thing! We went through that with dd1 if I remember correctly. I am like you - it is non-negotiable. Fine. I'd explain that her teeth need to get brushed twice a day, morning and night. Would she like to brush them at the kitchen sink, standing on a chair? Or in the bathroom on her Mickey Mouse stool? Do you want the red toothbrush or the purple one? I would let her go with you to the store and choose a couple of toothbrushes and fun kid toothpaste (there are healthy choices too - we like Tom's of Maine Silly Strawberry but I do let my kids have the Disney princess toothpaste every now and then). Do you want to read first or brush your teeth first (in the bedtime routine)? She can choose in a lot of ways. My kids LOVE their pediatric dentist and want to get a good report when check ups come around every six months so that is helpful too.

I really think that no matter what you choose to do, she will improve as everyone adjusts to the new baby and your older dd just matures through this phase of maturity. I really found that adjusting from one child to two was the hardest transition (much more than the first child or the third).

[Ruby Pearl]

your parenting techniques sound very close to my own, or at least what I am trying to do with her, but I guess sometimes I just don't think quick enough. I will probably be contacting you from time to time to help me with the wording. When getting her teeth brushed she has the choice of which toothbrush, which toothpaste, and who helps (me or daddy) and I definately don't make her eat! I gave up on that when I wanted to shoot myself in the head over it when she was little. I ask her if she wants a plate or not, if she wants breakfast or not and I let her choose what she wants to eat from a short list. Yes, you do want breakfast today? Do you want cereal or toast? Most days she just helps herself when she is hungry or will ask me to make her something she wants. Sometimes letting her decide when she is ready to do something also works, like taking medicine. If she does not want it when I try to give it to her, then I just leave it beside her and let her decide when she is ready to take it. This also works sometimes when it comes to brushing her hair.

So all in all I think I am on the right path I guess I just tripped over a root and rolled down a hill and needed some help to find my way back.

All of these ideas and the wonderful feedback have really helped me figure things out, now lets see if I can put it into action (or non-action). I need reminders sometimes of what I already know, because I was raised to do as I was told when I was told, not ask questions, etc and sometimes that comes out, especially when I am tired, but this is not what I want for my children. I want them to be able to make their own choices and have power over their own lives and I want them to be accountable for their own mistakes and use them to learn. As my daughter says "sometimes it's hard being a mommy."