What is meant by "no offer, don't refuse"?
Join Now
Be a part of the community.
It's free, join today!
Recent Reviews
-
My mom gave me this for Christmas and I absolutely love it. Gorgeous illustrations and very sweet ideas inside. Plus it's just structured enough so that I can be creative about what I include...
-
This is the prettiest carrier, and fit my shoulders and figure (at 5'6") much better than the Ergo. I got it when my daughter was about nine months, two years ago - it doesn't appear to have...
-
This potty is great - excellent value & performance! (plus it's cute!) My 9 month old DS took to it right away. He is a big boy (30 in. tall - feet not quite on floor - & 27 lbs.) and this is...
-
This book feels good in your hands. The paper is heavyweight, and the illustrations flow perfectly.
-
To anyone looking for a carrier, BECO is the brand! I recently had purchased the Gemini, great carrier! It has everything you will ever need and want, its ergonomic, comfy, organic, made...
Question about "no offer, don't refuse"
post #2 of 27
1/10/05 at 11:50am
- callmemama
- Trader Feedback: 0
-
- offline
- 1,670 Posts. Joined 5/2002
- Location: midwest
- Select All Posts By This User
Its considered a "weaning technique", and it means mom doesn't initiate the breastfeeding session, but mom does allow the little one to nurse when he/she asks.
post #3 of 27
1/10/05 at 3:29pm
I think this is what clw is all about--If the child wants to nurse, he nurses and you trust that he'll ask if he wants it.
post #4 of 27
1/10/05 at 4:37pm
- carrietorgc
- Trader Feedback: +44
-
- offline
- 2,430 Posts. Joined 9/2003
- Location: Fairfax, VA
- Select All Posts By This User
IMO, don't offer don't refuse is more a weaning strategy in a younger nursling that is not vocal about their needs. Up until about 16 mo, my dd wouldn't ask to nurse, just get majorly whiny. Now she says nurse please
so I rely on her cues and know she will ask when she wants to nurse.
So i'm not really offering now, but in no way is it a weaning strategy for us.
so I rely on her cues and know she will ask when she wants to nurse.So i'm not really offering now, but in no way is it a weaning strategy for us.
post #5 of 27
1/10/05 at 5:00pm
- AllyRae
- Trader Feedback: +16
-
- offline
- 6,364 Posts. Joined 12/2003
- Location: Ohio
- Select All Posts By This User
La Leche League considers it a weaning strategy. Toddlers around a year old will be so busy that often they forget to nurse...and if you don't offer, they don't ask. However, if you want to nurse past that age, you really need to sit down and offer the breast in order to "remind" the toddler to take time to nurse. 

post #6 of 27
1/10/05 at 5:15pm
- captain optimism
- Trader Feedback: 0
- Hurrah for the Pirate Queen
-
- offline
- 7,058 Posts. Joined 1/2003
- Location: Good Ship Lollipop
- Select All Posts By This User
I've just started noticing that my guy will get whiny and even hit or bite when he really wants to nurse. It's weird to me that he does this, as he finally has started to use a word to tell me he wants to nurse. He also never had trouble knowing that he wanted to nurse before. It feels strange to me that I'm offering him the breast at 23 months! Up until now I never doubted that he would ask me when he wanted to nurse.
I also wasn't planning to do CLW and thought we would be tapering off more about now! I feel like I'm offering the breast to calm him down and that feels like cheating or something. Hope I'm not hijacking here if I crave responses.
I also wasn't planning to do CLW and thought we would be tapering off more about now! I feel like I'm offering the breast to calm him down and that feels like cheating or something. Hope I'm not hijacking here if I crave responses.
post #7 of 27
1/10/05 at 5:45pm
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by AllyRae
La Leche League considers it a weaning strategy.
|
So am I weaning and not realizing it? Dd is 11 months old. If she is happy and content I let her be, I don't pick her up and nurse her. When I see her getting tired, hungry, etc I nurse her or when she comes to me or makes a little noise that signals she wants to nurse I do.
post #9 of 27
1/10/05 at 7:10pm
- Katiemare
- Trader Feedback: +8
-
- offline
- 628 Posts. Joined 6/2004
- Location: here and now
- Select All Posts By This User
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by lisas
So am I weaning and not realizing it? Dd is 11 months old. If she is happy and content I let her be, I don't pick her up and nurse her. When I see her getting tired, hungry, etc I nurse her or when she comes to me or makes a little noise that signals she wants to nurse I do.
|
post #10 of 27
1/10/05 at 7:28pm
- Parker'smommy
- Trader Feedback: +2
-
- offline
- 3,222 Posts. Joined 9/2002
- Location: San Diego, California
- Select All Posts By This User
IMO, "don't ask, don't refuse" is a definite weaning method. I know so many moms who testified that their babes weaned before 2 years of age who practiced just this. Many times, babes of this age don't even realize that asking is an option, kwim? Mom only nurses at certain times of the day - morning, naptime, dinner, bedtime for example and baby doesn't understand that they can ask to nurse more. So, then mom stops inititating any nursing sessions and viola, baby is weaned.
Sooooo, to make a long story short, if you want your child to nurse past one year or two years you definitely need to offer to nurse your child more than they ask. Some babes don't need to be asked for sure and are very vocal and obvious about their need to nurse, while others are not so loud about their needs. Jmho.
Sooooo, to make a long story short, if you want your child to nurse past one year or two years you definitely need to offer to nurse your child more than they ask. Some babes don't need to be asked for sure and are very vocal and obvious about their need to nurse, while others are not so loud about their needs. Jmho.
post #11 of 27
1/10/05 at 7:30pm
I find this very confusing. I offer to nurse dd (21 months), because I'm pregnant with no milk, and I don't want her to wean. I'm not ready. But that's really mama-led nursing, in a way, isn't it, rather than child-led weaning? I'm not really just letting her lead the way (child-led). So I'm not sure about it. I think she would definitely be more likely to wean if I weren't offering, so I am thinking maybe "don't offer, don't refuse" is the only real child-led weaning technique.
post #12 of 27
1/10/05 at 8:13pm
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Ubertulip
... so I am thinking maybe "don't offer, don't refuse" is the only real child-led weaning technique.
|
I consider myself in the don't offer/don't refuse camp, yet I've got 12+ years of nursing under my belt--my kids definately were not weaned by my lead. If you and your child are happy with what you're doing, I'd say, just keep on doing it--whatever it's called.

post #13 of 27
1/10/05 at 8:39pm
- darlindeliasmom
- Trader Feedback: 0
-
- offline
- 1,185 Posts. Joined 11/2001
- Location: near Philadelphia
- Select All Posts By This User
I think it's just one strategy, but it's the comibnation of variables that will determine whether the child weans. I have definitely seen the scenario that Parkersmommy describes. But don't offer/don't refuse is obviously only part of the reason those kids weaned. Because if they were on a nursing "schedule", mom was already controlling their nursing... they like she says didn't KNOW they could ask...
the reason this method doesn't always lead to weaning, imo, is the second half: don't refuse. If you have a persistent child, destined to be a long-term nurser, don't offer/don't refuse may just be a short-term sanity saver for mom, but won't cause the child to wean sooner. (My experience!)
In years of talking about weaning issues at LLL meetings, It's clear that most moms have more than one tool at their disposal when they are planning to actively wean. Some actually have expressed frustration because they think one technique will be the magic solution...
the reason this method doesn't always lead to weaning, imo, is the second half: don't refuse. If you have a persistent child, destined to be a long-term nurser, don't offer/don't refuse may just be a short-term sanity saver for mom, but won't cause the child to wean sooner. (My experience!)
In years of talking about weaning issues at LLL meetings, It's clear that most moms have more than one tool at their disposal when they are planning to actively wean. Some actually have expressed frustration because they think one technique will be the magic solution...
post #14 of 27
1/11/05 at 12:34am
I personally don't see it as a weaning technique...at least in our situation. My daughter is at the age where she WILL ask to nurse when she wants it, just as she will ask for a cup of water if she wants that. She's certainly not shy about letting us know what she wants (as a side note, she's not very patient either, so she's pretty loud when she wants something...there's no mistaking it.
).
We're doing "don't ask, don't refuse" more out of necessity. If I pick my daughter up and force nursing onto her, she gets angry at me. But she still comes to me to nurse 2-3 times a day when SHE wants it. It's certainly not her primary food anymore, and mostly a comfort thing. She usually only wants to nurse in the morning, in the evening, and if she's gotten upset about something.
I can see how it can lead to weaning. I see it as her gentle way of weaning herself over time. I'm not in a rush for it to stop, and she's not keen on nursing 10 times a day. If she weans at this point, I won't force her to continue. I'm letting her decide when she wants to stop.
I only see this "method" as a weaning technique if it's done before a child is capable of asking or refusing.
).We're doing "don't ask, don't refuse" more out of necessity. If I pick my daughter up and force nursing onto her, she gets angry at me. But she still comes to me to nurse 2-3 times a day when SHE wants it. It's certainly not her primary food anymore, and mostly a comfort thing. She usually only wants to nurse in the morning, in the evening, and if she's gotten upset about something.
I can see how it can lead to weaning. I see it as her gentle way of weaning herself over time. I'm not in a rush for it to stop, and she's not keen on nursing 10 times a day. If she weans at this point, I won't force her to continue. I'm letting her decide when she wants to stop.
I only see this "method" as a weaning technique if it's done before a child is capable of asking or refusing.

post #15 of 27
1/11/05 at 11:15am
- callmemama
- Trader Feedback: 0
-
- offline
- 1,670 Posts. Joined 5/2002
- Location: midwest
- Select All Posts By This User
I think we all learn to read our children's cues. Just as we know that a rooting baby needs to nurse, a frustrated/tired/grumpy toddler does too. I don't offer with my 5yo, but he is most definitely capable of recognizing and verbalizing his needs, unlike <some> toddlers!
post #16 of 27
1/11/05 at 11:41am
I've always felt a little conflicted about this issue too. I think that if the child is capable of letting their needs be known, then there is no need to continually offer nursing. It just seems more mother-led to me.
My older son weaned when he was 27 months. I was 4-5 months pregnant and I remember the first time 24 hours passed that he didn't ask to nurse. For the next few weeks he would ask here and there and I didn't refuse when he asked. But when a week went by, I didn't remind him or anything. I suppose I could have, but I didn't. We still snuggled at night and I didn't keep my breasts hidden or anything either. I consider him to have weaned of his own accord and at his own rate. It was what I consider child-led. My son was a thumb sucker and a twiddler as well and he quit doing that at his own rate a few short months later (again with no pressure).
Even with my now 17 month old, he asks to nurse many times a day and night and he has known the sign for milk since he was at least 9 months old maybe younger. He nurses so much that I have very few opportunities to offer.
With a younger baby, I can understand how "don't offer, don't refuse" would be a weaning technique. I've seen it happen many times as well.
My older son weaned when he was 27 months. I was 4-5 months pregnant and I remember the first time 24 hours passed that he didn't ask to nurse. For the next few weeks he would ask here and there and I didn't refuse when he asked. But when a week went by, I didn't remind him or anything. I suppose I could have, but I didn't. We still snuggled at night and I didn't keep my breasts hidden or anything either. I consider him to have weaned of his own accord and at his own rate. It was what I consider child-led. My son was a thumb sucker and a twiddler as well and he quit doing that at his own rate a few short months later (again with no pressure).
Even with my now 17 month old, he asks to nurse many times a day and night and he has known the sign for milk since he was at least 9 months old maybe younger. He nurses so much that I have very few opportunities to offer.
With a younger baby, I can understand how "don't offer, don't refuse" would be a weaning technique. I've seen it happen many times as well.
post #17 of 27
1/11/05 at 10:01pm
- doctorjen
- Trader Feedback: 0
-
Senior Member
Dr. Marathoner
Dr. Awesome -
- offline
- 3,108 Posts. Joined 5/2003
- Location: chasing the naughty dingos
- Select All Posts By This User
I think, too, that when used as a weaning technique, you don't refuse when that's the only thing that will settle the baby, but you might try several other things first as a substitute to see if you can hold off nursing.
I actually weaned my first with this technique, due to lack of knowledge and lots of pressure from folks who really should have had no input into my breastfeeding relationship. When my ds acted like he wanted to nurse, I tried snacks, drinks, books, active play, etc. If he was distractable, fine, if not I let him nurse. He was 15 mos when he nursed the last time. In his case, it was definitely a weaning technique.
On the other hand, I don't offer to nurse my current dd much, except at bedtime, because she happily asks all the time and can clearly let me know what she wants. I'm not at all wanting her to wean, though, and if she quit asking often, I'd offer more. (She must know I'm talking about this because she just ran over here saying "I want nursie!")
I think this is one of those things where there's a large variation in personalities, styles and experiences, so "don't ask, don't refuse" will mean different things in different situations to different folks!
I actually weaned my first with this technique, due to lack of knowledge and lots of pressure from folks who really should have had no input into my breastfeeding relationship. When my ds acted like he wanted to nurse, I tried snacks, drinks, books, active play, etc. If he was distractable, fine, if not I let him nurse. He was 15 mos when he nursed the last time. In his case, it was definitely a weaning technique.
On the other hand, I don't offer to nurse my current dd much, except at bedtime, because she happily asks all the time and can clearly let me know what she wants. I'm not at all wanting her to wean, though, and if she quit asking often, I'd offer more. (She must know I'm talking about this because she just ran over here saying "I want nursie!")
I think this is one of those things where there's a large variation in personalities, styles and experiences, so "don't ask, don't refuse" will mean different things in different situations to different folks!
post #18 of 27
1/12/05 at 6:21pm
I'm a little bit confused. I haven't nursed yet, still expecting, lots of questions.
If they are old enough to ask then what is the problem with waiting till they do? I don't understand this concept at the moment.
If they are old enough to ask then what is the problem with waiting till they do? I don't understand this concept at the moment.
post #19 of 27
1/12/05 at 8:09pm
- Parker'smommy
- Trader Feedback: +2
-
- offline
- 3,222 Posts. Joined 9/2002
- Location: San Diego, California
- Select All Posts By This User
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by sarajane
I'm a little bit confused. I haven't nursed yet, still expecting, lots of questions.
If they are old enough to ask then what is the problem with waiting till they do? I don't understand this concept at the moment. |

post #20 of 27
1/12/05 at 9:34pm
Thanks for the response. Another question for ya...
How can one tell the difference between them really needing it and forgetting it and them just not wanting it?
How can one tell the difference between them really needing it and forgetting it and them just not wanting it?
Return Home
Back to Forum: Child-Led Weaning
This thread is locked
Currently, there are 1826 Active Users
(250 Members and 1576 Guests)
Recent Discussions
- › The short but sweet birth of Kathrine Leanne... 3 minutes ago
- › Would you describe me as a "natural parent"? 9 minutes ago
- › need to vent 10 minutes ago
- › CRAVINGS!!! 10 minutes ago
- › Planning a UC for first baby 12 minutes ago
- › Weekly chat Feb 6-13 13 minutes ago
- › Plus Size Maternity Photos 15 minutes ago
- › Fun with Stretchmarks 16 minutes ago
- › Flat temps luteal phase only 16 minutes ago
- › Progesterone levels and LPD - Need Advice Please 17 minutes ago
View: New Posts | All Discussions
Recent Reviews
- › The First 1000 Days: A Baby Journal by MrsKatie
- › Beco Butterfly II Carrier by capucine
- › Fisher-Price Precious Planet Froggy Friend Potty by pickle18
- › Embrace: A Pregnancy Journal by mama kk
- › Beco Baby Carrier Gemini by 2jmama
- › Bummis Super Whisper Wrap by sweetBBkendall
- › BabyHawk Oh SNAP! Baby Carrier by 2jmama
- › Raising Abel by lauren
- › Keter 115-gallon Capacity Super Composter by MonarchMom
- › Gaiam Pencil Skirt by Melanie Mayo
View: More Reviews
Recent Articles
- › Contest Terms and Conditions -... by Cynthia Mosher
- › Contest Terms and Conditions - Sasquatch... by JenniO11
- › Teach Your Children Spanish With Little Pim by John Martin
- › How to Start a Social Group by Cynthia Mosher
- › Boba Carrier 3G Giveaway Contest Rules by MDCLurker
- › Best of Mothering 2011 Official Rules by MDCLurker
- › Babywearing Basics by Peggy O'Mara
- › Groups Guidelines by Cynthia Mosher
- › Sex Talk Forum by almadianna
- › Nfp Or Fam Methods While Breastfeeding by JMJ
View: Recent Articles | All Articles
Home | Reviews & More | Forums | Articles | My Profile
About Mothering | Join the Community | Advertise
© 2012 Mothering is powered by Huddler Families | FAQ | Support | Privacy/TOS | Site Map
About Mothering | Join the Community | Advertise
© 2012 Mothering is powered by Huddler Families | FAQ | Support | Privacy/TOS | Site Map







