Is this unreasonable?

[Ellp]

I'm not sure if this is the place to ask the question, but if it isn't, please bump me to where it is...

My question is...
I will be due in a couple of weeks, and of course everyone on both sides of the family is anxiously awaiting the new arrival, especially the grandparents as it will be the first grandchild on both sides. My parents live about 20 mins away, and my mum has already announced that she will help out, but only if I ask. She will not butt in, in any way.

My in-laws however live quite a distance away, and usually when they come to visit, they stay at our place for 3-5 days. Its not usually a problem.
However, they stayed with us a few weeks ago, and I found it was a bit of a pain because I felt that I was required to entertain them, and that was the last thing I wanted to do at 36 wks preggy. Not to mention that they sleep in different bedrooms, meaning that I have to prep and clean 2 rooms, before and after their visit, as well as 1 bathroom. Mil also sleeps in till 10am, and we all have to tip-toe till she wakes up. There are other minor things as well, but taken together, it makes for a stressful visit for me.

I know that they will want to visit as soon as they hear that I am in labour, and I am dreading it. Is it unreasonable for me to ask DH to ask them to either stay at a hotel, or post-pone their visit? I know they will want to be near us for at least a week, but I don't know if I want to have them with us 24/7, especially right after the birth. I've asked my mom about the situation and she says that I will be insulting them and that it will cause a rift between them and me. She is adament that I not ask, and that I should put up with them.

What should I do? (DH has no opinion either way, I've asked. He'll go along with whatever I decide.)

[Spark]

Hmmm, your house, your baby, your sanity... I don't see anything unreasonable about that!

When a baby is born, people should know that roles shift. There is NO tip toeing to keep things quiet, there is no prepping rooms, there is only guests who cook, clean and do laundry. If you don't think they know that, or are unwilling to do that, then, I say ask them to stay somewhere else. They may be planning on taking care of the house and meals for your family. If so, I'd keep them around! To find this out, you might want to talk about roles they want to take on during the first few weeks. Tell them what you think you'll need from them. For example, "Jim and I (named your husband, did I do well? ) will want to have as much time to sleep with our baby and for me to nurse the baby with Jim nearby (sometimes you need 4 arms to nurse a newborn). We're really concerned about parenting a newborn, and we'll need help keeping everything else in order. I'd love it if you could help us around the house and be responsible for meals so we can tend to the baby. There will be plenty of baby holding time for you, too, I'm sure."

If you really don't want their help, I think you can do it in a very polite way. Being honest and caring about their feelings.

Bottom Line -- If mama ain't happy... ain't nobody happy!

Best wishes & congrats on your new babe coming soon!

[dynamicdoula]

This is the practice for the many years you are in for of bucking the system, being the fly in the ointment, rocking the boat... this is where you reach down, grab your ovaries and stick up for YOU, and your FAMILY.

People will get over being pissed- and if they don't understand that you want some time alone, they are not coming over for you, they're coming over for THEM.

Offer a set amount of time that people can stay.. "We can accomodate you for 3 days but then we've got other family coming." Or simply say, "We love that you want to be here and appreciate your intentions, but we are limiting visitors to X amount of time. Would you be willing to _____?"

You don't want to offend your family but I have to tell you- this crazy granola parenting is going to trip them out more often than not, and we all have had to learn to get used to being the odd balls!

If I were your doula, I would suggest that you not tell anyone you're in labor that you don't want in the room with you, and I would then offer to run interfernece with the family if they showed up. I get paid to be the 'bad guy' and I can keep them updated hourly if necessary with detailed information on how you're doing (to your comfort level of course). The last thing you need in your labor is performance anxiety because people are sitting there in the room with you, waiting for you to 'do something'! It inevitably stalls labor!

Stand up for what you feel is right! It will be one of the first times you do it in a long, long line of opportunities to follow!

Know what worked for me? Letting my DH be the 'bad guy'. When family came to the room when I was in labor, I signalled him and he ushered everyone out. When we were home and people were calling/showing up, he was the one who took the messages, diverted the arrivals, etc., so that we could have that intimate space. He has a right to do that, and it would take some pressure off of you to have to say, Sorry mom, please don't come!

Good luck!

[Ellp]

Thanks for the advice!
I had considered all that, and also in asking the in-laws to help out if they really want to be here for the birth, but quite frankly I'm not sure what they could do. Mil has mobility problems, and aside from putting the dishes away once, they didn't do much the last time they were here. In fact, while they were here, I was the one who cleaned up the kitchen after we all had dinner. DH and the folks were chatting in the living room. After I had finished (30 mins later with an aching back), I got asked, I forgot by who, "Was I ready to watch the movie yet?". Boy was I pissed.

I can imagine the senario that would play out if they were here for the birth. I would be the one to sweep the floor, and do the laundry while everyone gazed at the baby.

I know I have to start speaking up for myself, but I don't want to step on any toes, or put DH on the spot with his folks, kwim? I do know though that when it comes to the babe, I will growl and roar if I need to.

[BinahYeteirah]

Originally Posted by dynamicdoula

People will get over being pissed- and if they don't understand that you want some time alone, they are not coming over for you, they're coming over for THEM.

Well, my ILs are still pissed. :LOL My FIL came to visit for a week one day before my due date with my first. He stayed in a hotel, although there was little other option since we lived in a tiny NYC apartment at the time (hardier souls have been known to take the couch, but that was not for FIL). No one told he he was coming to visit until a few days before (dh knew, but did not say anything ). I suppose he was lucky I gave birth only one day "late" since he planned the visit without waiting for me to go into labor. He was actually in our apartment when I was in labor, and I had to wait several hours after I asked dh to make him leave before he left. Dd was born at home about 6 hours after he left. Of course, he showed up as soon as he heard of dd's birth and came over every day afterwards that he was in town. It was really hard for me because he's show up every morning. I was exhausted from being up all night trying to nurse dd (didn't master nursing lying down until several weeks later) and was still in my nightgown. I didn't know FIL that well and was embarrassed to be seen in my nightclothes in front of him, but I didn't feel up to getting dressed either. He seemed offended that I would keep dd in our bedroom with the door closed while I tried to nurse her. I'm sure you all know that period when both baby and mother are learning to breastfeed and nursing without showing the entire breast is impossible. He wasn't particularly insensitive or anything, I just feel that the first days or weeks should be as private as the mother prefers. My ILs can't handle that. I don't know what I will do this time. They are still upset about last time, because one day I told dh that I didn't want FIL coming over. When he left he said, "I only got to see granddaughter a few times..." reproachingly and MIL still brings up how "rude" I was the time I didn't want FIL to come over. He wanted to hold her a significant portion of the time he was visiting, which was for several hours each day. How will I keep them away this time when they live in the same city? I want them to visit, but why do they think they can just show up whenever? Dh will *not* say "no" very often to his parents, and when he does, they often blame me. I'm sorry if I'm taking over your thread, but my experience seems to speak to your mother's opinion that asking ILs to keep a distance after a new baby's birth, "will be insulting them and that it will cause a rift between them and me". I don't know how to meet my needs for privacy, and family's desire to pop over and hold the baby (they don't help either).

[myrrhmaid]

nak
i had dh put a sign on the door that said
'alison(midwife) -come in
everybody else please give us our privacy.
thanks!'
when folks arrived-besides washing their hands, we made sure they had a task picked out to do. (what a great way to discourage visitors :LOL)! we also had a no exception 1/2 hr. visiting limit. that way no one got too cozy and we didn't get too tired. set a alarm clock or timer if you want-so they can self regulate.
you have every right to have your space. this is also the birth of you as a mother so grab your voice with this birth and be heard!
unless the in laws are already versed on where all the pots/pans/sheets/towels are-by no means have them staying at your home. you will be busy cuddling and making milk for your lil one.
delegate to dh while your milk comes in and you adjust to a new schedule/routine.

Is it unreasonable for me to ask DH to ask them to either stay at a hotel, or post-pone their visit?

NOT ALL ALL UNREASONABLE. IN FACT-HE NEEDS TO TELL THEM THEY HAVE TO STAY AT A HOTEL OR postpone their visit. (ooops-didn't mean to yell)

I've asked my mom about the situation and she says that I will be insulting them and that it will cause a rift between them and me. She is adament that I not ask, and that I should put up with them.

um, if that causes a rift -that is their problem!!! and she is right, you shouldn't ask-dh should-you have enough on your 'to do' list right now.

so, are you nesting yet? or having a homebirth? how exciting! let us know when your new lil precious wonder arrives!
no entertaining! doula's orders-

[jraohc]

My dd was also the first grandchild on both sides. She is now 7 months old. Both sets of grandparents live about 4-5 hours drive away. DD was born on Monday afternoon, we left the hospital on Tuesday night, my parents arrived on Wednesday late afternoon, dh's parents arrived on Friday. My father stayed till Saturday, my mother stayed all week, my father returned the following Saturday to pick up my mother and visit. DH's parents also brought dh's grandfather. They stayed in a hotel because my parents had dibs on the guest room and because whenever they visit with dh's grandfather they stay in a hotel because dh's grandfather can't handle our house very well. DH's parents came back when dd was about 3-4 weeks old and dh's dad stayed the weekend and his mom stayed for about a week.

My il's try to be helpful, but they just aren't that helpful. My mother cooked for us for the whole week and a half that she visited. On the other hand, dh's mom was convincing us that we "had to get out" and we went out to eat twice while she was visiting - something I was not up for. She was also apparently complaining about the meals that I prepared (fortunately she didn't complain to me) because I didn't cook a "properly balanced meal". Well, she was probably right, but I was cooking what I wanted to eat and I felt like she should have been cooking for me, not the other way around.

Since then, the il's want to visit once a month. When they come alone they stay with us. They always say "we're hear to help you" and nonsense like that, but they just don't deliver. Last visit I finally put my foot down. I did NOTHING for them. Well, that's not entirely true, I still had to change the sheets after they left and I still consented to going out to eat with them for one dinner, but that's such a change from before. It was so liberating. I did not try to entertain them. I didn't ask what they wanted to do. I didn't ask what they wanted to eat. I didn't do anything. They got antsy sitting around the house and watching dd, so they went out without us. In the end, I felt like an awful hostess and I couldn't imagine how they had a good visit, but I didn't care. They claim to have had a good visit and are already planning the next one.

So, my advice to you:
1) Tell dh that he is in charge of prepping the bedrooms and cleaning them up after the il's leave. Tell dh that he is in charge of cleaning the bathroom. If he's not okay with that, then tell him that he has to tell his parents to stay in a hotel.
2) If they stay with you, do not feel like you have to tip-toe around just because mil is sleeping. Just go about your business.
3) If you are planning on breastfeeding, get ready to just plop wherever you want and if it makes the il's uncomfortable then require them to leave the room.
4) Understand that you might not want to get out of your pj's the first few days.
5) Restrict their visit. This worked well for us - having the il's for just a weekend and then when dd was a smidge older (3-4 weeks) they came for a week. It was almost nice to have their company when dd was a few weeks old, but it was overwhelming when she was just a few days old.
6) For me, it helped having my mom around when the il's were visiting the first time. She was able to cook for us and take care of a lot of the other "hostess" types of responsibilities. She was also able to make sure I got much needed rest and relaxation.

Originally we were only inviting the il's up when dd was 3-4 weeks old. My mom told me that was inappropriate. We compromised with the weekend visit and then the week-long visit a little later.

(Sorry this was so long, but I hope it helps)

[Irishmommy]

I would suggest NOT telling anyone when you go into labour if you think they might show up. We did tell both sets of parents both times, but they are all 3000 miles away, and there was no way they could show up!

Everyone else has really good advice, but bottom line, if you don't want them there, then they are not to be there.

[stafl]

It's your birth, and your decision to make who you want to share it with. That goes for the first couple months post-partum, too. If they can't respect that, they won't respect any of your parenting decisions either, so you better get used to stomping on those toes! Really, I totally agree with what everyone has said. If you don't want them there, either don't let them know until after baby is born, or just tell them you need your privacy and quality time alone with your new family.

Oh, yeah, the breastfeeding thing, too.... I made the mistake of trying to cover up in front of in-laws and other people who acted uncomfortable by the idea of me nursing my brand new baby girl after my first was born. So when my second DD came along, I point-blank told everyone that if they didn't want to see my boobs, they shouldn't come over to my house! It worked, too.

[Ellp]

Wow, great advice everyone! I feel so empowered already.

Like one poster in-laws, my in-laws say each time that they are here to help, but they rarely put out either. When they do, it doesn't help me. For instance, my mil insisted on making Christmas dinner for us and my parents at our place. I thought that was thoughtful of her. I really had to restrain myself from "helping" though, because the kitchen is usually my domain, and I like it that neat and clean. Well, she made dinner alright. The kitchen was a huge mess afterwards with gravy drips and greasy counters, and no one offered to help clean up. My mum raised an eyebrow at their behaviour, and she offered to help. She and I cleaned up while everyone else sipped wine after dinner.

It didn't help matters either that Mil made Turkey, mashed sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes and bread stuffing, and I'm diabetic (gestational). There was no other vegetables, or anything else, so all I had was Turkey, turkey and turkey. DH of course was clueless, but to his credit, he felt a little bad when I pointed it out to him later.

So yes, I had considered asking them to help out if they truely wanted to stay at our place, but I really don't want to deal with the consequences of their "helping". Not to mention that I just don't feel comfortable BF in front of them, Fil especially.

[Ellp]

Just out of curiosity... Has anyone ever gotten mad at you if you didn't tell them when you went into labour, and only told them afterwards? I was considering having DH make the calls after the baby was born, but I don't know what the reactions might be. I know my parents would be disappointed.

Also, has anyone ever had any experience with rivalry between sets of grandparents over who sees the baby first, or does or buys things for the baby? I'm trying to head that problem off at the pass too...

[Lousli]

My first dd was the first grandchild on both sides. because she was 4 weeks early, my parents were on vacation when she came. My MIL hopped on a plane as soon as she heard I was in labor, and was here several hours after her birth. She stayed with us. My parents came home from vaction and my mom came over before she even went home to drop off her luggage. It was perhaps the worst day of my life the day my milk came in and my mom and MIL were both here cleaning my kitchen and invading my space. My breasts hurt, my dd wasn't latching well (to my mom's credit, she did help me get started breastfeeding successfully), my mom and MIL were moving stuff around in my house, buying foods we don't normally eat, and not getting out of our space. I finally took my mom aside and started bawling and told her that she had to take my MIL home with her, she couldn't stay at my house anymore or I was going to lose it. And that both of them needed to leave us alone for a while. Fortunately, she did it.

Don't underestimate the power of post partum hormones! You need some time to meet your baby and for you and your husband to become a new family. It is really hard to do with someone else in your house, and even though the help can be nice, it is better to get help when you're ready for it, when you ask for it, not when you need your privacy and sleep. I really suggest that you ask them to stay in a hotel, or wait a couple fo weeks after the baby's birth when you feel better and the baby is more alert and awake anyway. I would be fairly honest with them and tell them that the days after you have a baby you simply will not be up for visitors. Good luck!

[OnTheFence]

Wow I can really relate to this thread. I can't stress what the other posters are saying. Your birth, your baby and your home. Have the courage now to speak up or else set yourself up for problems down the road.
My daughter (my first) was the first granddaughter and greatgranddaughter on my husbands side of the family. It was a BIG deal. How mother came down for the birth, which ended up to be an emergency csection (nothing like my planned Bradley birth). My baby was "hogged" by all and I hardly got to spend any time with her. When I got home, my MIL had done NOTHING to my house. It was a wreck. She also would ask me stupid questions all the time and though she offered to help out, she often made big messes, just making things worse. I also felt I had to entertain her. I was such a nervous wreck that all I did was cry. She left for a week, only to return with the two great grandmothers the next week for several days. NEVER AGAIN.

When we had our last child (second one we adopted). I ended up having to be the bad guy and asked her not to come for the birth, in fact my husband said she could come when he was two weeks old and could not stay more than three days. She cried, moaned, groaned and whined to my DH but he told he that I could not have another repeat of the first time.

Be firm now. Ask them to stay in hotel or to come later. Also do not make consessions for them. I wouldn't care if they slept till noon, there would be no way I would tiptoe around them. I would not cook or entertain them either. In fact ask them to go get you take out or cook and clean up after themselves. I would make it clear that if they come they will need to do for themselves as you will be enjoying your babymoon.

[jeca]

I don't think it's an unreasonable requiest at all. However, considering that you will have just had a baby they may honestly be there to help you out. You inlaws may not do the same things they did after the baby is here as I'm sure your MIL knows you need to recoup. Just a thought.

[lisabc311]

Just like the other said....only have those visit that are there to help and offer positive support. YOU set all of the limits. As the others have said, it will be the first time of MANY situations like this!

Your job after the baby is born is to rest and nurse and rest and nurse and oh yeah..rest and nurse.

[loving-my-babies]

Be straight forward from the very beginning! I told my family that I wanted NO ONE there, but I was "too nice" about it and I ended up having unwanted visitors, so my advice is be straight forward before the birth and make your wishes clear.

[karendrema]

..From what you have said about both your in-laws abilities (due to mobility) and willingness (from past experience) to help, to me it sounds like the only option is really to just tell them you would prefer they wait 2 weeks (or whatever amount of time) before visiting. One way of doing this is by saying you'll be too tired to handle visitors for more than an hour or so a day and it wouldn't be worth their time to come out and sit in a hotel all day except for an hour. It's clear that even without the headache of having them stay, they would still be a large burden staying at a hotel and coming over all day.

[fiikske]

Hi Ellp,

from what you told it seems that there is no actual miscommunication as such, in the sense that there is no communication at all.

It seems to me that you are disappointed in the fact that they take it for granted to be served? Can you try to talk to them? Could you tell them in advance that they are really welcome, but that you will be worried that you will not be able to take care of them as you'll have to take care of the baby?

What do you think their reaction would be?

Fiikske

[calebsmama03]

Originally Posted by Ellp

Just out of curiosity... Has anyone ever gotten mad at you if you didn't tell them when you went into labour, and only told them afterwards? I was considering having DH make the calls after the baby was born, but I don't know what the reactions might be. I know my parents would be disappointed.

Also, has anyone ever had any experience with rivalry between sets of grandparents over who sees the baby first, or does or buys things for the baby? I'm trying to head that problem off at the pass too...

Luckily our family lives far enough away that they can't just pop in, but to avoid constant phone calls for progress what we did was have DH call afterwards. Our excuse was that we didn't want to call too early in case this wasn't "it", then once we were sure this was the real thing we got caught up and it went so fast. No one complained. They were all too excited to hear about the birth.

Our rule for visitng was NO ONE was allowed as overnight guests for at least a week. It wass still frustrating when they arrived ("Oh, why don't I hold the baby while you do the laundry" MIL said as she watched me struggle to juggle a newborn while loading the washer ) I'm glad we had that time alone as a family. Local family stopping by to help is great, but when they need to stay with you it is a completely different matter and it's up to YOU when they can come.

[Ellp]

Originally Posted by fiikske

Hi Ellp,

It seems to me that you are disappointed in the fact that they take it for granted to be served? Can you try to talk to them? Could you tell them in advance that they are really welcome, but that you will be worried that you will not be able to take care of them as you'll have to take care of the baby?

What do you think their reaction would be?

Fiikske

I guess this is my fault. I've got the "hostess" ingrained into me. I just don't feel comfortable having people visit without me "putting out" in some way to make their visit pleasant. I'm not sure what they would do if I did absolutely *nothing* for them during their visit. But its not that I have to *do* things for them that would bug me, its just the simple fact that they are around and I can't relax in my own home that would drive me batty.

I suppose I didn't make it clear to them that it would be inconvienent for them to visit right after the birth. I think my hesitation stems from the fact that my in-laws are so enthusiastic about this. My mil actually said that if they weren't allowed to see the baby asap, then they would be picketing our house till they did. She said this in a "ha ha, I'm joking" sort of way, but I've no doubt that she would do it if she had to. I was so shocked at her comment that I didn't say anything, I didn't know what to say.

I guess I was/am relying on DH to speak to his parents about this. He knows how I feel about my privacy being invaded. For example, his parents write an annual Christmas letter to mail to their distant family and friends, but for some reason DH and I never get a copy. Well this time I got my hands on one, and I was shocked to find that details of my pregnancy, eg. gestational diabetes, visits to specialists, etc. outlined for all and sundry. I really felt invaded and slightly exploited because couldn't they find anything else to write about? I mean, I'll never meet the people that they mail the newsletter to, so do they really need to know *that* much about me? Arrgh..

Another example was last year when mil actually asked me if she could put down the details of my miscarriage into the newsletter. Again, I was shocked, but at least I came to my wits and emphatically said "NO!!"

I agree with a poster here who said that DH should talk to his parents, not me. And if anything, having read about the experiences of people here, it makes me want to get on DH's case to talk to his folks asap. I want to dispel any hopes and fantasies they may have about their upcoming visit.