Is this unreasonable? - Page 2

[Britishmum]

"Just out of curiosity... Has anyone ever gotten mad at you if you didn't tell them when you went into labour, and only told them afterwards?"

Well, I could not believe it that Americans feel obliged to tell family that they are in labour. I upset my ILs by telling them there'd be no call until I'd had the baby. They got over it. Heck, this time I didnt even tell my dad - and he was in the house with me, until I was 7cm dilated and within an hour of giving birth.

None of their business imo unless you want to share.

[muse]

This is one time you get to be as "unreasonable" as you like and YOU set the rules. I'd keep that in mind not just for the birth but for the weeks post partum, too. With DS we were 1000's of miles from family so it wasn't an issue, but I found I didn't want ANYONE around for the first 3 weeks who hadn't actually been at the birth (midwives and best friend). That was such an adjustment period and we were so exhausted, we all needed our space and privacy. This time around I'm closer to my family but I made it clear the other day I probably won't want visitors for the first few weeks. My mother was definitely offended, but who cares. Honestly there's not ALL that much difference for them between seeing a week old and a 3 week old, and I know I'll be needing my space at that point, especially because my parents aren't the type to step in and be helpful We've also made it clear we won't be having guests staying in our place for a long long time (we're in a small flat and I remember well what life with a small baby is like; much easier to have people sleeping elsewhere).

[Mamabeakley]

Originally Posted by Ellp

my mum has already announced that she will help out, but only if I ask. She will not butt in, in any way.

I've asked my mom about the situation and she says that I will be insulting them and that it will cause a rift between them and me. She is adament that I not ask, and that I should put up with them.

Could your mom help by inviting your in-laws to stay at her house?

That way they'd be close-by; they would ALL have equal access to the new baby; and your mom could exert a little peer presure about appropriate respect for your need for solitude and how best to really help.

And your mom & mil could do some new-grandma bonding (it's been fun to watch my mom & mil enthuse together.)

Just a thought. Good luck, and blessings for a lovely birth.

[Ellp]

Originally Posted by Mamabeakley

Could your mom help by inviting your in-laws to stay at her house?

That way they'd be close-by; they would ALL have equal access to the new baby; and your mom could exert a little peer presure about appropriate respect for your need for solitude and how best to really help.

There's no way that would happen... The two couples are way to different to get along for any extended period of time. The dads, sure, but the moms have this psydo-rivalry going on it seems like where each one tries to out-do the other when it comes to "mothering". For DH and my sake we wouldn't put them together for too long.

[jraohc]

Our moms don't have any sort of rivalry going on (at least not that I know of), but no way could I imagine my il's staying with my parents! It's not something I ever would have even thought of, although it could have been an interesting solution to some of the problems.

You asked a few more questions - "Has anyone ever gotten mad at you if you
didn't tell them when you went into labour, and only told them afterwards?" We didn't tell anyone when I went into labor. My mom didn't want to know because she said she'd spend the whole time worrying and it's not like the baby was going to be born anytime soon just because I was in labor. The il's never asked and we never said anything specific about it. I don't know if they wanted to be called or not, but I certainly wasn't calling them or talking to them while I was in labor. We called both sets of parents a few hours after dd was born. Actually, dh was in charge of the phone calls and he managed to goof because my parents weren't at home and for some reason he didn't try their cell-phone. They just happened to call me a few hours after dd was born (on my cellphone, which was technically against hospital rules) and I got to tell them.

As far as rivalry between the parents/grandparents - we didn't have any and haven't seen any signs of this. The closest we've got to this is that the il's can't let us visit my parents without also seeing them (my parents and my il's live about 1 hour apart and about 4-5 hours from us). My parents are okay with us visiting the il's without also seeing them. However, in many respects we've got it easier because my il's have some sort of odd relationship with my fil's parents and my mil's brother's family has some strained relationships with mil's parents and dh is an only child. So, although I consider them to be bordering on useless and intrusive, they actually restrain themselves because they don't want us to shut them out of our lives. I think how all of that translates is that even if they were going to start some sort of rivalry, they think twice because they don't want to ruin our relationship.

I think the most important step is to prepare yourself. Prepare yourself to NOT be hostess! Make sure your dh understands that you are NOT going to play hostess. Make sure you stick to that when the il's show up. Also, have dh start dealing with his parents. This isn't going to be the last time you have a "situation" like this where something needs to be said to them and it's probably best if dh handles it because they're his parents and he probably has a better idea of what is appropriate to say to them.

[phathui5]

Has anyone ever gotten mad at you if you didn't tell them when you went into labour, and only told them afterwards?

The only person that we told that I was in labor was my mom and that was because she was watching ds for us.

[AnnMarie]

No way! Not unreasonable at ALL! That is your time with baby, and they will just ruin it on you. If it were me I wouldn't mind them visiting one day to see the baby, but then they'd have to go home, or stay in a hotel that night and then go home. It's hard enough as it is right after having a baby, you don't need that stress.

[darsmama]

I didn't have DH tell anyone I was in labor. Its the last thing on your mind when you go in labor really. Well, it was mine anyways.
Now, the people calling to find out if you were in labor...thats a different story.
Its a lot easier for DH to say "Sorry I got coaching to do and she dosent want anyone here right now!"
Thats what we did.

[Electra375]

This may sound a bit off the beaten path, but I would call or write my mil and tell her how I feel when they visit. I would say, I would love for you to meet your new gc, but I really don't feel that I'm up to fixing and doing for you. I feel that I need to fix and do for you when you visit and entertain you. With a new baby I've been told by my doc or mw that I will need to rest and I intend to do as instructed. I also would not want the baby to wake you, as I understand it some babies cry an awful ot w colick and transitioning from hospital to home (if you are going to a hospital). Would you mind staying in a hotel when you come to visit?

If your ILs are not financially secure and you are, you might offer to pay for the hotel. If you and they are not finacially secure enough to handle a hotel, they I would not suggest it. If you are not going to offer the hotel, then I would call. She may offer to fix the room/ beds herself and be a gem about you not having to ever feel the need to entertain them.

My MIL and her 3rd dh live in an apt attatched to our home, no bigger there. I'm learning slowly that she appreciates me being frank w her. I am ever so tempted to ask her to help me on the weekends with some light house cleaning. Everyone has their faults but she is a good MIL for the most part. And when my mother comes (which she has done after each baby) she takes care of herself. She also takes the servent role and takes care of my other children, the shopping, the meals, dishes, laundry etc and leaves me to bond and care for the baby and myself. She is so great this way -- not so great in other things (she wouldn't wash the cloth diapers, my mil did that).

I think you should be open and honest about this. If she takes it the wrong way you can always apologize, but stand your ground. It is your house, your baby, and your time. If you don't feel up to confrontation, you could always just have them come say nothing and tell them from your bed with the baby that the sheets are in the linen closet and to help themselves.

(I spent 2 wks in bed literally after my 3rd, the mw told my dh and dm that I was not to get out of bed -- so I didn't and they wouldn't let me either. There are a few discussion threads about bed rest and the need for it after birth to keep a strong pelvic floor later in life.)

HTH some

[Stacymom]

We just had a big discussion about this at our LLL meeting yesterday!

To the OP- my inlaws sound an awful lot like yours. They live halfway across the country, and fil won't fly, so they only get out here about once a year or so. My mil has lots of health problems, is severely overweight, and has problems doing every day activities, yet they say they come to "help." When my first dd was born, they came out about three weeks after she was born. I was so overwhelmed. Everything becomes such a huge production when they are here- they don't clean up after thier own messes, mil constantly wanted to cook huge meals that I coudn't/ wouldn't eat, they bring three dogs with them, and our house becomes a meeting place for everyone who wants to see the in laws. (My dh's counsin and his family, etc) I started feeling like a guest in my own home- they didn't have much to do with me, it really seemed liket hey just wanted to see the baby and my dh. It was a really difficult week for me.

When I was expecting my second, mil called a month or so before she was due to say that she had found some cheap airfare, and was going to reserve a flight out for the week that my dd was due so that she could come and "help" with my older dd etc, then said that she would stay for a few weeks until fil could drive out and meet her, then they would drive back together. I was absolutely floored. There was no way I was going to have that. My husband and I had the biggest fight we've ever had over this issue- I was adamant that the first few weeks at home needed to be just for us- that if people wanted to help, they could bring meals and do laundry (which is exactly what my mom did) but that I was going to need time to adjust to being a mother of two, and that my older dd was going to have to adjust to having a new sibling, and that it would be so hard for her to have a new baby and grandma in the house all at the same time, etc. PLus, I definitely didn't want them all sitting around waiting for me to go into labor! I am so fragile for awhile after birth emotionally, and the last thing I wanted was my mil around trying to help, or questioning what I was doing, or just being there when all I wanted was my little family. It seriously took about three days before my dh would speak to me again. I felt a little like you do- worried about hurting feelings or stepping on toes, but I knew how I felt before and I knew that I didn't want it to be that way again.

So what I did was call them and tell them that I was going to have a lot of help after dd was born with my mom who lives close by, my dh taking a week off work and firends from church bringing meals etc. I picked a week about five weeks after she was due and told them that would be a great week to come, because we'd all be settled in, the meals and things would have stopped, my dh would have gone back to work, and then I could really use the help. I know she was offended, but I never heard about it from her, just from dh, who said that her feelings were hurt that I didn't "need" her.

I really have strong feelings about this, because I think that there needs to be time for the immediate family to bond and adapt to new roles and things before other people start coming and interrupting or interfering. (No matter how well intentioned they may be.) Make your husband deal with them, that way, you won't be seen as the unreasonable one- it will be like presenting a united front.

Good luck, and let us know what happens!

[myrrhmaid]

nak
i think a lot what it boils down to is it's easier on the relationship for them to be offended by being told they are not going to be there immediately then them showing up and in tearful, hormone fueled emotion, them wrecking what you are trying to preserve(bonding and adjusting), in these precious 1st days. milk takes 3 days on average to come in-flushh FULL of emotions that are better served for just you, dc and dh.
it is difficult to disappoint them-but it's easier for them to reconcile that they didn't get to be there for the birth and soon after then for you to reconcile with them if they interfere with the bonding and everything else in those 1st weeks together.

[Lula's Mom]

I agree with everyone else! I hope your DH will find the backbone to tell them that they need to stay in a hotel. Perhaps he can present it that it will be for their comfort. "You know how babies cry and keep the whole house awake! You'll be much more comfortable in a hotel. Of course we're going to be exhausted, so it will be great to have you come over during the day; we'll sure be glad to have you here to do laundry, clean the house, fix meals, grocery shop, vacuum..."(and throw them a bone with "hold the baby while we take a shower!") If you come up with a long enough list, they might just postpone their visit. You can hope, anyway.

Personally, I feel that anyone who doesn't plan to wait on YOU shouldn't be visiting in the first month. My ILs came 2 weeks after our son was born (he's 4 weeks now.) They actually stayed in a hotel at first, because there were 7 of them and they couldn't all fit in our guest rooms. They only planned to stay two days, and that was perfect. But their van broke down, and had to be fixed in town, so 4 of them (2 of the helpful ones!!) drove back in a rental car, and the other 3 moved on over to our house for 3 nights.

I was kind of shocked at the lack of helpfulness. One of the houseguests was DP's mom, and it seemed the only help she was willing to give was holding the baby, as other people have mentioned. That's really nice, except that he's a brand-new baby who screams if anyone besides me or DP holds him, so I ended up running back to get him anyway. I know I put on a good show of being energetic and 'normal' for a woman with a newborn, but evidently it appeared I didn't need or want any help around the house. Cause they didn't do any laundry (actually I did a load for them), and they didn't cook any meals (I cooked for them one night, though.)

Mostly they just went sightseeing. I guess DP thinks that they were trying not to inconvenience me, by staying out of the house. But actually being here and helping would have been more welcome. I about died when I discovered that they didn't even strip their beds for me when they left. It seems like that's a natural thing that you'd do as a houseguest any time, and certainly when your hostess has just given birth! I didn't need more laundry.

It's hard; I adore DP, and he adores his family. I really want to get along with MIL, and I want her to like me. But now I feel reluctant to play hostess again anytime soon. Trust me, avoid resentment on your part by having them stay in a hotel.

[homebirthing]

A couple of things:

#1: This is their grandchild, and they want to meet him/her.

#2: This is your baby, you want to meet him/her.

I would tell your MIL yourself, not through your husband, that you love her, you want her to be there afterwards (whether this is immediately or within a day or two or three), and you are concerned about being a hostess. Because you love her, you have always put her comfort to mind, and you don't want to have to worry about her. Ask her to stay at a hotel. You are a grown up, and she is a grown up and I know that she will understand. Tell her that you will be undressed a lot of the time, and that you don't want to worry about your modesty. Be open and honest. I had to do the VERY SAME THING and everything went smoothly. It isn't realistic for you IL's not to see you or the baby for three weeks. And I don't think that it is fair to them or your husband, but it is absolutely not allowed for you to have to worry about them in any way. Take what advice you can use (including my own) and leave the rest behind (including my own). Post a list on the door.


Good luck and happy birthing mama!!

[hazelmama]

You are not being unreasonable!

"Decide what is best for you, then figure out how to tell your in-laws in the most diplomatic fashion. By the way, my opinion on in-laws is that its DH's job to talk to them and smooth things over - he knows them they are his parents, etc. Don't let him put that on your head."


ITA! Sure they're excited and want to spend time with the new babe, but this isn't about them. Its about you, the baby & DH. You are the one giving birth. They should be catering to your needs not the other way around. Your family's needs (for space, privacy, quiet, rest, time to bond) should take priority over everyone elses. Will they like it? Probably not, but you're not keeping the peace if they're happy while you're miserable. You will not avoid creating a rift if you're unhappy and stressed out trying to accomidate them.

If they respect you, they'll understand that and get past they're disappointment. If they don't, well...that's really their problem.

Also, IMHO your DH should be dealing with (and advocating for you) with his family. That shouldn't be your responsibility.

Good Luck!

[Ellp]

I think that Kristi's experience will most likely mirror mine unfortunately, because thats almost exactly what I would anticipate my inlaws to do, and my reaction would be to cater to them too, at my own expense.

I've talked to DH and he's agreed to ask his folks to stay at a hotel. He just hasn't "asked" yet. I don't want to bring it up again, because I don't want to appear pushy, and seemingly to reject his parents. I don't want him to feel that although my parents would be welcome, his won't be. (My folks will be welcomed because they can't sit still anyways, and usually end up cleaning/fixing a part of the house for me, even under normal circumstances. )

I'll be due in about a week and a half, (fingers crossed that I don't go post dates), and I'll post an update on what happens...:-)

[stayinghome]

Regarding this topic, I always tell clients to use their md/ midwife/doula as the "scapegoat"- just say that your midwife told you are you not to do any housework or have visitors for the first (fill in balnk for how long you want to be alone.) And, you can have your hubby do this, so you don't even need to worry about it. This is your birth, and post partum period. You have the right to rest and enjoy it any way you want to! Good luck!