No, I swear I'm not milking it! It's hard, and long and Henry really did need something. Like lunch.
Okay, so I get this email. It's long, and it's sweet and he started by apologizing for his role in our whole cheating/breaking-up debacle. He admitted that he had a drinking problem and that he was so hurt by the end of our relationship that the easiest way for him to deal was to lash out at me. He apologized for hurting me, and said that it was at least as much, if not mostly, his fault for my decision to see Trey on the side. He understood what drove me to have that fallback position (for lack of a better term) and wanted to tell me that he was sorry for his reaction over the years that he wanted to take responsibility for his part and asked for my forgiveness, and extended his.
We began emailing and talking on the phone. I graduated and moved home for a few months. He would call every few days, and I felt like I had my best friend back. We would talk for hours at night, just catching up and laughing and playing. In that time, I ran into Darrell. My mother and her sisters share a lakehouse, like a timeshare among the family. Some of my cousins lived in Houston, and they would always bring friends to the lakehouse for their month, because it was 3 hours away whereas we were 15 minutes away. Darrell was my cousin's best friend and I saw him every summer growing up. One of the cousins had a bachelor party at the lakehouse and asked me to come out. I hadn't seen Darrell since high school, and we had both since really "grown up". I remembered this little skinny, blonde kid that was nice, and we wrote letters back and forth all the time. Imagine my surprise when he was a big, grown, hunk of a man.
We stayed up all night talking, and for the first time, I could see myself being with someone and loving him like I had loved Sean. We went to coffee a few times, but kept it platonic, since I was totally freaked out about being hurt.
A few months go by, and my cousin's wedding happened in Houston. Darrell, having grown up with him, was also invited, and Sean was living in Houston. I mentioned to Sean that I was going to be in Houston for the weekend, and he asked if he could take me to lunch. I accepted, and a few weeks later, I'm at the hotel, and he knocks on the door. I open the door and there he is.
We drove to the restaurant and had lunch, and the whole time, the air is almost crackling between us because there's so much chemistry and tension (the good kind) and the words we're saying are, I'm sure, very intelligent and meaningful, but all we could think about was what we were going to do later. We ran around town, and played "Who can hold out the longest until one lunges for the other one" and we were at a standoff.
We drove back to the hotel, and he walked me up to the room. I was sharing with my sister, and my parents were right next door, so there was an added element of secrecy about the whole thing. They knew I was out with him, but based on what I've told you about their morals, they would not have been pleased to see the air between us lighting up with repressed sexual tension.
We walked into the hotel room, said our goodbyes, and tentatively hugged each other. I remember just standing there for the longest time, just melting into him, and him just holding him tightly and neither of us breathing. We released each other, and he walked toward the door. He opened it, and I walked to shut it, both of us still waiting the other one out, and then like that, he was gone.
I sat down on the edge of the bed, with tears about to spring to my eyes when the knock came. I flung the door open, and he came charging through it, picked me up while kissing me until I couldn't breathe, and we fell on the bed together.
We got about halfway to well, you know, and we both just sat back, breathless and completely overwhelmed. I quietly said, "I can't do this again." He said, "I know." We just sat there for minutes, sitting on the bed next to each other, holding hands and just being. I got up, he followed, and I walked him to his truck. He gave me a tender, sweet, lingering but chaste kiss on the lips, then he drove away.
That night, I saw Darrell at the wedding, and I felt this total sense of peace wash over me, that he would be a solid, steady and loving partner, and I wanted to pursue where that was going to go. We ended up spending the night snogging in his car. I'm such a tramp.
: That was the only time I've ever been felt up by two guys in one day.
When I got back home, that Monday, the phone rang. I picked it up, and when I heard Sean's voice on the other end, and my heart sank, because I'd hoped it was Darrell. After we hung up, I literally did a dance around my room, because I knew that the Sean chapter was finally closed. With a great deal of love in my heart, and many unresolved issues, to be sure, but at least I knew that it was over for us. It was the most intriguing mix of relief and heartache.
When I told Sean that Darrell and I were engaged, he was silent for a while, then said, "I wish I could have had another chance with you. I would have gotten you." I responded, in a very rare moment of humility and laying myself bare in front of him for the last time, "You could have had me. You know that." He very quietly said, "Yeah, I guess so."
Since then, we've corresponded less and less. I've worked through a lot, but I still dream about him sometimes, and the dreams are beautiful. They're never sexual, but just us, together, talking and laughing. I miss him and his friendship greatly, what we had was something I'll never find again. I adore my Darrell, and I would choose him a million times over Sean to marry, but there will always be a part of my heart that Darrell will never be able to capture. It's already been won.
Recently, he moved in with his girlfriend, and I gave him a little obnoxious lecture on marrying her, she's a really neat girl. I told him he better grab her while he can, before she gets sick of his shit and moves on. A month later, he emailed me that they were engaged. I am very happy for him, and I hope they last a long, long, long time.
I still pray for him almost every day, and I also pray that God will find a way to let us be together in heaven, somehow, and fulfill that relationship that we never did figure out how to manage. I believe that's going to happen, and I can look at our time as a part of who I am, rather than who I want to be or wish to become...I'm so content with my life, and I know that had I married him, I would never have reached the peace I have now.
THE END. FINALLY.