Please help - Tandem Nursing with angry toddler

[peaceful mama]

I don't know what to do. Please help...anyone? I have a 33 month old little boy and a 7 month old little boy. My older son has a very aggressive streak and it's been going on for a long time (since he was 16 months). I am tandem nursing but want to stop. The reasons I want to stop is because my 2 1/2 year old asks for it constantly. Probably about 10 times per hour, and if I say "No" (and I don't just say "no" I go into long explanations) he gets very angry. We have gone through many scenarios with him. Nursing to sleep and when he wakes only, nursing whenever he wants, nursing at specific times, pretty much every scenario but nothing seems to work. The main problem is when he is nursing if I ask to stop too soon, or he wants to nurse more after we've just finished nursing he totally attacks me. (hitting me in the face, kicking me, scratching my face) I can't take it anymore. I really can't. I've become mad and angry and I get so upset. I truly have to hold myself back from hitting him back, and I've never believed in spanking or hitting. We are a very "gentle" family, at least I thought we were. Tonight was the worst. I saw a side of myself that I didn't even know existed. He slapped my face a couple times, scratched me and then kicked me in the stomach (and he's a big strong 40 lb. boy). So, guess what came out of my mouth? I said, "Do you want your Mama to leave? I don't want to be around a boy that is mean." and he said, "Mama leave home?" and I said "Yes." (Can you believe that? - I'm evil) Pretty much I was using scare tactics to control his behavior. Isn't this verbal abuse? He got really sad and of course I just wanted to jump out the window. How did I become this mama? I love him so much it aches, but yet I'm mean. Also, I'm running out of energy for nursing my little one. I ache and I cry just because I'm so exhausted from the all day "fight" over my 2 1/2 year old begging, pleading, hitting and scratching.

I want to wean my toddler. How do I do it? How do I do it without causing a big huge jealousy between siblings?

I truly believe in child-led weaning but I don't think I can do it. I dread our nursing and I get all anxious when he asks.

This has been a very hard post to write, and also a hard post because I am being completely honest. I would like to not have to write these things but I need help and ideas.

Thank You! : :

[galadriel]

Gosh, that sounds incredibly hard!! i have no idea how I would handle that.

[zjandosmom]

Peaceful Mama

I too tandem nursed my first two....it was hard. When ds 1 was 28m I decided to wean. I too was at the end of my rope. Nursing is supposed to be this wonderful and loving act between a mother and her child. Everytime he asked to nurse I would tense up and cringe and wait until he was done. I felt sure he felt my not-so- nice feelings towards him. I spoke with a LLL leader about it and she had some good advice. She said I needed to make up my mind which way I wanted to go and stop feeling guilty. If I wanted to continue nursing #1, great, if I wanted to wean then do it and not beat myself up over it. She pointed out that I had nursed him for over 2 years and that is an accomplishment. So I weaned him. I won't tell you I didn't still feel guilt over it because I did. I just thought that in the end I would feel better towards my son. I used distraction, distraction, and more distraction. He was still napping and I just made sure we were in the car for nap time. His dad was already helping with bedtime so that helped a lot. My ds#1 is 6 now and doesn't seem to hold it against me! My ds #2 weaned himself at 27m and I am hoping ds#3 will wean himself as well!

Long ramble...don't know if I helped, but I do know how you feel. Hang in there!

[DaryLLL]

IMO, sometimes kids are ready to wean but they don't act like it. In fact, they get more demanding but it doesn't seem to satisfy. They refuse limits. Spirted kids, like yr ds, need a different kind of parenting than more easy-going ones who peacefully self-wean gradually. Your ds might be nursing b/c he sees his younger sibling doing it, but he really doesn't need it. He might be ready to move on to another stage, but not know how to get there.

I had a similar situation to your with my 2nd child, who was being demanding and upset when I was pg with her brother. In my case, I decided bfing was bad for our relationship, so I weaned her--and guess what? She was much much happier! I was shocked and so relieved. She was 3 1/2.

So you could do that. But if you think it would be at all possible to just work on nursing manners/limits/expectations, try that. Punching and other violence is definitely not acceptable. If hew always uses violence against you when you limit his nurisng or his behavior, that is a big problem. But you say, you give "long explanations." That might not be appropriate for a child his age.

Have you read:

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk?

It is a great easy to read book on how to effectively comunicate with your child.

If you try to treat your child with respect, you must demand respect in return. Otherwise, it is not a healthy relationship. It sounds out of balance. It sounds like it is not just the nursing either. Maybe he is bored. Do you get out enough? Maybe he is jealous of the baby. Do you do special projects with him when baby is asleep, or is with Daddy (if you have a partner)?

Another good book is Raising Your Spirited Child.