When is control too controlling - Page 6

[musingmama]

Yeah, my sister did get some comfort, I believe, but at times, she was purposely hurtful, which was hard on my Mom. But today, they have a very close relationship and my sister often remarks on how she doesnt know how my mom put up with so much from her, and I think she learned a lot about strength and love in a very dramatic way from going through all that w/ my mom.
IdentityCrisismama, maybe theres a lesson in how you liked the feeling your dad gave you on that one time of control- maybe we as parents need to give our dc a lot of room to grow and make their own mistakes, but when it seems like something big we feel like we need to interfere with, maybe they will be more receptive since they know we dont try and control just because we can. Let the control or strong advice just be for the big stuff, not all the countless little things. Too often, we are led to belive that if we can expose them to this or sheild them from that, be around just the right environment, do these activities, etc. then we can create a healthy, "special" child w/o too much baggage.... but maybe that is just the flipside of the coin.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by musingmama

maybe we as parents need to give our dc a lot of room to grow and make their own mistakes, but when it seems like something big we feel like we need to interfere with, maybe they will be more receptive since they know we dont try and control just because we can.

Yea, this is probably where I am. I still can't shake the feeling like this totally controlling ~ don't control too much now so I have ultimate control for when I feel I need it, yk? Not that this is my only motivation...

Originally Posted by musingmama

.... but maybe that is just the flipside of the coin.

Yea, I don't know what comes first, to me. I realize that giving her lots of control will help her in life. My hope is that she will never need me to control something major. I don't even have to control much now and she's only 3 (she's really safe and cautious, respectful, aware).

OTOH, I'm well aware that I would probably control some of the 'biggies' and I take comfort in the idea that I may be able to do that better because I haven't been too controlling. This is also already showing up for us. We limit 'no's and etc and she's really rather accommodating when we must control something.

So, I really don't know which side of the coin I'm on.

I'll let you know in about 30 years :LOL

[hummingbear]

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[Krystal323]

....It's hard to find a balance....

Ultimately, I think the rational conclusion most people come to is that, no matter how bad things get, they *can't* control their dc even if they think it's right and want to...!

People often say, "my kids can think what they want when they're 18, but for now, I make the rules", or something to that effect. But truth is, kids ARE thinking what they want even when they're 2--nobody can change that. They can try and suppress it, sure, but what are the negative consequences of stifling a child's opinions/feelings/etc for the sake of "discipline" a thousand+ times over one's whole childhood??

Apparently the kids who are micromanaged when young often end up being really vulnerable to their peers as they get older. And, even if we the parents think that we give our kids TONS of freedom, it helps to remember that things like freedom/control (and more importantly, one's feelings toward that control) are *subjective*, or "in the eye of the beholder"--yk??

Just some thoughts I'm mulling over....

[Mytwokids]

I've been reading through most of these posts and its been very interesting. I have some questions. I have an almost 5 year old daughter and a 2.5 year old son. I have visited this board before but not for a long time and I don't think I have ever posted here before. Letting go of control certainly did/does not come naturally for me. I never realized what a controlling person I was until I had children . I came to find gentle discipline about 1.5 years ago and am still working on it. I assume it will be a lifetime project although it does come more naturally now than it did before. Anyway....

I believe in giving a lot of control to my kids in order for them to develop a sense of self control and self discipline. However I do control some things. As for food I'm not extremely controlling about when and what they eat but I do control what comes into the house. As for tv my kids sort of have a take it or leave it attitude. I do limit is some. Other medias such as computer time and music I don't really limit. I let me kids wear whatever they want whenever they want. I dont' force coats, hats and mittens and refuse to get into those types of battles. My kids can and have learned that it gets pretty darn cold here in MN and coats and hats keep you warm. Like most I control safety issues - no running in the street etc.

But I wonder about things like sleep. Obviously you can't make a child sleep but you certainly can set up situations to make it likey. You can have routine and bedtime rituals and consistent bedtimes. I do these things, I don't have bedtime or naptime battles at all. I do keep consistent bedtimes to ensure my kids get enough sleep. So I guess I do control their sleep to an extent. I'm wondering what is the opinion on controlling sleep times.

We have really two rules in our house, respect and safety. Most everything falls under respect. We treat each other, ourselves and our possesions - house, furniture and toys with respect. Safety is self explanatory. Cleaning after ourselves for us falls under respect. I'm wondering what others opinions are on controlling cleaning up afteroneself, cleaning up their rooms, etc. As part of respect we keep our space clean - respect for our stuff but also respect for each other so that we are not tripping on things etc. Do others control cleaning? How or how not? Cleaning up after themselves is probably the most comman battle I get into with my kids. I do try things to make it more fun and I explain why we clean up. I'm not completely anal or over the top on how they clean but general straigten up. If you dump one bin of toys out you put it away before dumping another out. They are able to do pretty much in the house under the premise they clean it up. For example they brought a blanket into the kitchen last night, pulled out lots of pots and pans and bowls etc and put them all over the blanket to make music. Thats fine with me but "messes we make, we clean up". And they did.

I guess while reading through these I get the impression that controlling cleaning behavior isn't allowed by some people. That the child needs to come to that on their own. I do believe in putting a lot of the control in the childs hands, how they clean-make their bed etc, but the cleaning must be done or at least attempted. Just looking for some opinions on where others stand on the issue.

Micky