how did you have the "your body is private" talk?

[smilnmom]

I am trying to talk with my 3 1/2 yr old about private parts and why without making it sound so dramatic. Anyone have some good ideas or resources or books they have used?
He did ask me if the nigh-nigh's (word for nursies) were private parts? and why did his little brother get to nurse there then? I just did not have much of an answer beyond that mamma said it was okay..
Just looking for a little experience & wisdom out there

[dallaschildren]

Right now, my Ds # 1 (4 1/2 yrs.) knows that any part of the body where a swimsuit touches/covers, is off limits to everyone. In addition, we have gotten into the habit of asking permission to get a hug, kiss, etc. and have instructed my family to do the same. If he says no, then it's no. This teaches our kids respect for their personal space and others, and that they own their body and can decide who hugs or kisses them and who doesn't. As far as the birds and bees talk...DS # 1 has asked twice now where babies come from and we have told him the basics and used all of the correct terms. Not too much detail yet because at this age, they don't retain that much detail and will inevitably ask again.

[chel]

my dd is 4.5yr has "issues" with panties. When we go out and she is wearing shorts that are vary bagging I reminder her to keep her privates private. I haven't gone into the boob/nipple privacy issue. dd still nurses so technically those aren't private to her. As we are a fairly naked family at home, dd learned early on not to poke at certain parts of the body. dd knows that no one is suppose to touch her on her "privates" but isn't too modest yet.

[Denise K]

Looking for the same info--for 3 1/2 year old. Part of the trouble is that I am really freaked out when I actually think about why DS needs to know this stuff (the part about it's not ok for someone to touch you in this or that way), and so I am worried about putting weird emotions into our conversation. And given his personality, no way am I going to get away without a thorough, complex, unpredictable conversation....

[dallaschildren]

Originally Posted by Denise K

Looking for the same info--for 3 1/2 year old. Part of the trouble is that I am really freaked out when I actually think about why DS needs to know this stuff (the part about it's not ok for someone to touch you in this or that way), and so I am worried about putting weird emotions into our conversation. And given his personality, no way am I going to get away without a thorough, complex, unpredictable conversation....

Maybe you could write a "book". This way you can read to him and even illustrate it if you would like and that takes the "pressure" or uncomfortability factor away. It is so important that all of us have these talks with our kiddos. Times have changed and it is a shame that we have to do it so young, but I look at it as giving my sons power. Knowledge is power for everyone. Run by Barnes and Noble or other book store and page through some of the birds and bees books. You may feel better and more confident, if you are able to read some examples in your preparation. Good luck.

[USAmma]

Our little talk started when dd was still taking showers with me and touched me in places I wasn't comfortable with. It was innocent on her part of course. I just told her those were my private parts and no one should touch those except me. I went on to explain that she had private parts, too, and the only people who should touch them are mommy and daddy when helping her wash herself, and the doctor. It was pretty straightforward and she seemed to accept it and not be alarmed or dwell on it in any way.

Darshani

[annethcz]

We've had many conversations on this issue, they are ongoing and are usually in response to a particular situation. For example, when DD runs around without pants, we explain why this is not appropriate.

Any area covered by a swimsuit is considered a private area. That means that we don't show that area to other people and no one else is allowed to touch that area. In addition, if one of our children wants to touch or play with his/her genitals, they are told that is something they need to do in private.

As for the issues of breasts- yes, breasts are also private areas. The rule is, it's my body, so I get to choose who touches my breasts. I tell my kids that breasts are private, that the purpose of breasts is to provide milk for babies. They understand the distinction between a random person touching my breasts & me nursing a baby.

Good luck. I've found that as long as you treat these kind of conversations as a normal part of life, it won't be uncomfortable.

[lunar forest]

Ugh, I've been wondering about how to handle this, too. There are kind of loop holes, you know? I can't say "no one should ever touch you here, here, or here," because some times ds still needs help wiping. I'm fine with saying he shouldn't touch anyone else's genitals, but I don't know how to tell him why (and he will insist on knowing!) Plus, what if he *walks in on mommy & daddy*? I know, the sex talk is differant, but it's all related, and he'll be really confused (he always thinks he should be able to do what everyone else does.) The nipple and breast thing isn't a big deal for us because we don't think breast are sexual. He knows not to put his hands *under* people's clothes, and to tap people on the shoulder, hand or knee if he needs to tap (NOT butts and breasts!)

I, too, get freaked out thinking about *Why* he needs to know. The message I know to convey to him is that everyone is in charge of their own body, and they get to say who can touch them and how. But, if, heaven forbid, someone tried to abuse him, or DID abuse his it could bring on a lot of guilt that he LET them touch him, etc. oh geez, it's so sick and sad that we need to teach this to kids.

[gabesmama]

I am having the same conversation with my 3 1/2 year old son right now. I actually came here looking for advice. I have explained to him about private parts but he asks why and I can not find the words to explain why to him. This topic came up from him and his 3 1/2 year old cousin touching each other. He then wanted to touch his baby sister's genitals. He needs an explanation of why and I stumbled and fumbled looking for one. Any help would be much appreciated.

Thanks,

Lori

[Denise K]

Quote: --Maybe you could write a "book". This way you can read to him and even illustrate it if you would like and that takes the "pressure" or uncomfortability factor away.--

Thanks, dallaschildren. I wrote him books baout weaning, and it was great for us. That's a really helpful reminder.

I get in trouble with the "loopholes" too--I think becasue I am so literal minded. And I am always trying to figure out situations where what I said won't work. I feel like a lawyer. I think this conversation is one that needs one basic "rule"--each person is in charge of their own body, and private parts are only for you to touch, in private--and then another discussion of the exceptions--doctors, parents helping you with stuff. I am always trying to sum it all up in one sentence, which just won't do. I think a book will help me organize my thoughts.

A thought about the "why?"--which I've gotten on the idea of wearing clothes in public. I finally settled on saying "it's the way we do things in our culture." Or "Becasue that's one of the rules people have made." I'm not going to try to set up a moral endorsement of those rules, which are pretty weird in some ways; I just let him know that it's how we act in order to be inoffensive in our culture. Then we can talk about what "culture" is.

From those with more kid experience than I have, I've heard that it's not considered harmful for kids the same age to touch each others' genitals, with mutual consent, and as long as the adults involved don't freak out. Maybe, Gabesmama, you could explain the age thing to your DS--that his sister isn't old enough to say it's OK, and that kind of play is only all right with people your own age. Don't know if that works for you....