I had my heart set on a VBAC.. but it wasn't meant to be 
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Having been to the L&D a week earlier with intense false labor and having on and off "false labor" since that visit.. I am certain that I am just continuing the pattern.. I was also really scared of heading to the birth center again.. It felt so hospital like that it shocked me.. I had expected it to be more home like that it seemed when we got there for my false labor... In tears, I ask DH if we can't have this baby at home and he says.. sure.. But part of me is too scared to consider that too.. However... should it just "happen" that would be ok. Our doula is also an EMT...(in retrospect.. it is good that we didnt' decide to have this baby at home)
Still frustrated at being pregnant, and now overdue, I decide to take Melissa’s advice and use one of my 6 daily allotted EPO capsules in the Italian method that evening. DH was happy to comply ;-)
That night I have strange pains in my lower sides and back, waking me up when I roll over.. but nothing else unusual. Wake up on Friday and get DS ready to head out the door to Allison’s house for playgroup. Some pains in my lower back on and off but nothing regular and nothing that radiates up to the top of my uterus, so I deem them more Braxton Hicks (blast them) and head out. We all had fun at Allison’s houses, more back pains there and sometimes in the lower front as well, but again.. nothing regular nor hardening at the top. They have to harden the top, or so I thought (that is what the nurse at the birth center had said when we had gone in last Friday with false labor.. ). I get home around noon and help pick out siding color for the house, make Ian his lunch and decide to start making Malinda’s lentil soup. My lower back and front are really starting to hurt but I try and ignore it all. It feels like I am being pulled into two parts, but doesn’t feel anything like the contractions I had last week, so I again assume this is more painful false labor and don’t even bother timing them.
Kim calls at 4 and I am really hurting. She wants to know if this means I am in labor.. Nope I assure her.. just more of the same.. really. But I cant talk through quite a few of them and decide to go take a nice warm bath and have a glass of wine to see if they go away. Since the soup is all done and frozen, this is what I do. My bath is short and painful. The wine doesn’t stop them and neither does the bath. I have to roll onto my stomach many times so the warm water eases the horrible pain in my front. But again these contractions are all in my lower back and front.. not top to bottom as I expect them to be. I have also lost more plug and have bloody show. I decide to head out of the tub and let DH know that I think this might, just might, be labor. Head downstairs and am in extreme pain. DH takes one look at my face and hangs up his work phone call. We call my mom, forgetting that she is at work today and not home. By now it is after 5 pm. I call Melissa, my doula, and she heads over and DH calls my dad, who heads over to watch DS. DH hurries around the house, tidying up a bit and then he and DS hit the shower while I bounce on the birth ball in the living room. This does bring some relief through the contractions, which by now are very strong and intense. By 5:30 dad arrives and a few contractions are over the top. I nearly loose it to fear and pain in a few of them but manages to breathe and regain control. Melissa arrives and she suggests hands and knees for a while. I have to moan LOUDLY through these contractions. We try a few positions, hands and knees, birth ball, squatting. All help but the contractions are coming pretty fast and hurt a lot. But even at their worst, they were manageable and I didn’t loose it like I thought I would. Some were close and having Melissa here to focus on was a godsend. About 20 minutes after she arrives I feel like I am going to be sick and promptly am, quite a few times. It really sucks to have to throw up and have a contraction at the same time. I say to Melissa “I thought you were not supposed to throw up until transition…” She laughs and nods.. Here I am thinking that I am probably a 3 or a 4 cm dilated.. she is thinking that I am at least a 7 and suggests calling the MW. Thankfully it is Suzanne, my favorite MW and she is on call and at the Birth Center. DH talks to her first as I am puking.. and then I speak to her. She says that she thinks it would be a very good idea to head up now.
We head out the door and I sit in DHs car.. sitting is excruciating! It triggers a huge contraction that I have to get out of the car and stand in the pouring rain to deal with. Melissa suggests kneeling in the front seat and facing backwards.. This means no seat belt and normally I would never ride without one.. but I couldn’t sit for the 20 minute drive and I agree. She says I should expect “oh.. about 5 good ones” on the way.. and I hold on to this number like a mantra..
We head off. DH tries not to speed, knowing I have no seat belt (what a disaster that would be) and the roads are wet and leaf covered. It felt like a very long drive and I have 11 contractions on the way. Some of them are very hard to breath through and I am moaning up a storm.. but hanging in there too.. Each one took all my focus to get through but I never felt out of control or that I couldn’t handle it. At one point the car slowed and I was convinced there had been an accident.. I was ready to loose it then.. I would get out of the car and walk to the Birth Center! But it was just someone turning up ahead.
We arrive and I have two more contractions into the Birth Center and on my way to my room. The nurse wants me to change into a gown and after the next contraction, it is all I can do to crawl into bed.. I have lots of bloody show and the nurse drops her request and gets down to getting the baby monitored. This all goes by in a little bit of a blur, as I am on my back and it HURTS to be there! Diane, one of the nurses, checks me and says “9!” I thought I had mishead her.. “9? 9cms? Really” I can’t stop smiling.. WOW!! I never thought that would be what she would say!! I am so happy I laugh. My water is still intact too. Suzanne comes in and helps me kneel, facing the back of the bed through some more contractions. I am nearly at 10 but there is a cervical lip.. just like with Ian. Lots of position changes later and what feels like hours, but was probably just 20 minutes or so.. it finally goes. Suzanne asks if she can break my waters and I say yes, but just as she is about to it goes POP during a contraction and soaks everyone!
Then the fun starts. I start pushing.. the initial pressure release from the bag of water’s breaking felt great and at first, pushing does too. It is really really hard work, much harder than I remembered with DS (though I had had 2 doses of epidural by that point with him). I push for probably an hour.. I have no sense of time at all… when Suzanne asks if they can insert a Heplock. I agree, she had been willing to forgo it, even though it was policy.. and knowing that, I know that she would not ask frivolously.. so I agree to one. Sue, the nurse, inserts one in my left arm between contractions. Pushing is going well..and not all at the same time. I am putting 200% effort into it and doing it right (something I was worried about because with DS I was told I wasn’t pushing right etc etc etc) but the baby isn’t descending. They put me on oxygen, as the baby was having some decelerations that were not coming up. This scares me and I concentrate on breathing deeply for the baby after each contraction. They are really intense and I am pushing will all the strength that I have plus more. We try lots of different positions, the Heplock comes out and then put it into the other arm and wrap it up in an ace bandage.. its not moving anywhere now.. I guess it is about 2 or 3 hours into pushing now.. and Suzanne says she has asked Dr B to come in. DH says I looked really scared then, I knew something was up.. But Suzanne assures me that the baby is fine and he just wants to check on things. He comes in and checks on the baby.. urges me to push and try a few different positions and says he will be back. We try sitting, squatting, side, knees up against the squat bar, kneeling.. The Dr comes back and soon in comes the Anesthesiologist. I nearly lost it then. I was so scared.. I /knew/ what that meant.. but no one says a word about surgery. The Anesthesiologist leaves and Dr B suggests a catheter to give the baby more room. I am also asked to drink some Ginger Ale for some sugar as I threw up all my lunch and had no breakfast to speak of. I go and sit on the toilet and use that through a few contractions. Then head back to bed for some more pushes in a different position. Dr B comes in and says that the baby hasn’t come down any more since he checked earlier. We try more positions.. Melissa says her favorite line was when I said “Come out you little shit!” But I began to think that this wasn’t going to happen as planned and that was not something I wanted to think about. I looked at Dr B and said “I really don’t want a c-section..” and he nods and says that he knows.. The baby is looking great so he says “keep pushing” and heads out. I try with all my might to get this baby out. Every push I push like it is my last hope.. By now it has been over 3 hours.. Dr B comes in again and there has been no change in her position. They can see hair (those words still haunt me from DS’s birth..) and now I hear those dreaded words again.. See hair.. be SO CLOSE.. and yet it just won’t happen. Pushing is so painful now and yet I keep trying. The Dr even tried to push the baby back up to rotate her into a better position.. it doesn't work. Nearly 4 hours into pushing I am at the end of my strength. When I look at people I see two of them instead of one. I am shaking and pushing effectively is become very very hard. Before I could push 3 or 4 times with each urge.. now I can barely manage twice… Dr B comes over and very gently suggests that this baby isnt’ coming out on her own, that it isn’t anything that I haven’t done, that I have tried everything and done everything and pushed with amazing strength…
I take a deep breath and look at DH and Melissa, I can see DH is torn.. he is thinking the same things I am.. if we give up now are we giving up because we are just throwing in the towel and not trying.. or is it time..? I try to push through a few more and know in my heart that this is not giving up in the slightest.. She is stuck…I, and I alone decide that it is time.. and say so. Enough…
Once the decision is made things go quickly. The Anesthesiologist comes and asks a few questions. They give me an injection to help slow the contractions.. it doesn’t work too well.. Now that I have decided that enough is enough the contractions are so hard to deal with. Not pushing with them is excruciating.. It is a little before 11 pm on Friday and I make my way to the OR, luckily just a few doors down the hallway. I am a little nervous for the spinal, they don’t do epidurals and have to sit so still through 2 contractions that it is so hard.. but it goes in without problems and within 3 minutes I am finally feeling relief. Things are ready to go by 11:10 and the surgery begins. Suzanne and DH are at my side, Melissa is at the door to the OR. It takes Dr B and Dr J a very long time, it seems, to get the baby out. I am concerned the whole time about her safety.. 22 minutes goes by.. they have lots of problems getting her unstuck. Dr B asks DH if he would like to see her be born. DH is thrilled and even gets to take a picture! She comes out, the Dr says he had to roate her breech to get her out, something that he hasn’t ever had to do before.. and she is taken to the warming station. It was right near me in the OR, so I could turn my head and watch and see what they were doing. DH goes over to see and take photos and Suzanne stays near me, explaining things. They have to work on her for what seems like a long time. She has lots of fluid in her lungs and poor arm muscle tone. Her initial Apgar is only a 5. Soon she lets out a cry and things look better. (later Melissa tells me that she was very floppy and that things were scary for a moment or two..) I am torn between wanting to see what they are doing and feeling sad. Suzanne brings her to me to hold! And I am afraid of dropping her but Suzanne assures me that I won’t. Her forehead is black with bruising and cuts, she looks like she has been beaten in the face with a stick.. but she has the most wise eyes you have ever seen. They take her to the nursery and John goes with them. Suzanne stays with me, Dr J leaves. Things seems to be taking a long time and after a while I ask.. “is everything ok?” I am getting nervous.. Dr B asks that the curtain be lowered so we can chat and says that he has cut my bladder during the initial cut to get Sophia out, it wasn’t were it should have been. He is also having trouble getting all the little capillaries to stop bleeding (little bleeders he calls them) He says he has never seen so many at the site of an old scar. I am in the OR for over an hour after Sophia is born. During this time Dr B and Suzanne and I chat. Things are kept light and humorous. A totally different experience than my last C-section.. where I felt like a non person the whole time. As things wrap up, Melissa comes back and asks if I want to know the weight.. I had guessed 7.5 lbs.. she had guessed 8.5 lbs… Sophia weighs 9 lbs 2.2 oz!!! And has a 36 cm head!!!!!
The Dr explains her presentation. She was completely OP (posterior) with a forehead first presentation. The front of her forehead was engaged and her neck bent back instead of tucked to her chest. I am amazed her neck didn’t break….I again feel that this really tells me she wasn’t coming out any other way than via surgery.
Things finally wrap up and I am taken back to my room. As we wait for Sophia, Melissa hugs me tight and reassures me that this was the right decision, that I was great in labor and am so strong! I truly believe her words down to my heart and know that this was what had to be done. I am sad but not crushed by the outcome. I feel proud of myself too. It is now after 1 am, and DH and I send Melissa home with our deepest thanks.
The lights are low and cozy. Sophia is brought in and the nurse, Karen, tucks her into bed with me and helps get us both settled. Suzanne comes by and makes sure we are all well. She hugs me too and says similar things to what Melissa said. Sophia gets to sleep with me all night, I was surprised but so happy! Her forehead looks awful..but I am falling completely in love with her. She latches on to my breast and we spend the rest of the night dozing.
I stay in the hospital for 3 more days. Day 2 was really rough with pain, I could barely move. Sophia seems to nurse well, though my milk isn’t in. Everyone is so kind and checks on me and how I am feeling often. The Dr stops by to chat, Suzanne comes by often, the nurses are wonderful. They stop John in the hallway or the lounge to comment on the delivery. Everyone has a name tag on their door and mine is the only one with an “awesome” sticker on it.. That really makes me smile.
I am sad that the delivery didn’t go as I had wanted. I had pinned my hopes on a VBAC and thought I would be crushed with another c-section. But I am not crushed, disappointed but not crushed. I feel that this birth empowered me and given me a real sense of closure for my first birth. Looking back, DS’s birth ended in a c-section due to a transverse arrest.. so he was trying to turn the right way but didn’t… perhaps this is the way I just make and carry babies….? But I know that I can go into labor on my own…(unlike time #1 where I wasn’t given the chance) and I know I am strong and can handle the contractions without drugs!! I know that I can push like hell and do it right!! This birth really helped me trust my body again and feel confident in myself. That is a wonderful gift! I couldn’t’ have done it without our wonderful doula Melissa. She was amazing and will forever be held in a special place in my heart. My husband was amazing. I think that I will always feel some sadness that I won't be able to have the birth I want.. I just seem to grow BIG babies that like to hang out OP .. But looking back at Sophia's birth, I cannot say that I didnt' give it everything in me plus more.. no one can say I didn't try!
Even now.. 3 months after her birth, I still feel sad that I didn't get the VBAC I so wanted.. but I am more at peace with the c/s than I ever was with DS's birth..
Will I try for a VBAC with #3? I am not certain.. The climate towards vbacs is terrible now... and towards vba2c is nearly always a resounding NO! I really want to have a baby vaginally, but with 2 having such poor presentations.. perhaps there is some physical cause.. something in my shape that makes this happen? Who knows...DH says to just take it one day at a time.. When the time comes and we are ready for #3, then we can think about it. I like to plan things out WAY in advance though.. I guess he is right.. we can only wait and see how the next time plays out...
Chantal
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Having been to the L&D a week earlier with intense false labor and having on and off "false labor" since that visit.. I am certain that I am just continuing the pattern.. I was also really scared of heading to the birth center again.. It felt so hospital like that it shocked me.. I had expected it to be more home like that it seemed when we got there for my false labor... In tears, I ask DH if we can't have this baby at home and he says.. sure.. But part of me is too scared to consider that too.. However... should it just "happen" that would be ok. Our doula is also an EMT...(in retrospect.. it is good that we didnt' decide to have this baby at home)
Still frustrated at being pregnant, and now overdue, I decide to take Melissa’s advice and use one of my 6 daily allotted EPO capsules in the Italian method that evening. DH was happy to comply ;-)
That night I have strange pains in my lower sides and back, waking me up when I roll over.. but nothing else unusual. Wake up on Friday and get DS ready to head out the door to Allison’s house for playgroup. Some pains in my lower back on and off but nothing regular and nothing that radiates up to the top of my uterus, so I deem them more Braxton Hicks (blast them) and head out. We all had fun at Allison’s houses, more back pains there and sometimes in the lower front as well, but again.. nothing regular nor hardening at the top. They have to harden the top, or so I thought (that is what the nurse at the birth center had said when we had gone in last Friday with false labor.. ). I get home around noon and help pick out siding color for the house, make Ian his lunch and decide to start making Malinda’s lentil soup. My lower back and front are really starting to hurt but I try and ignore it all. It feels like I am being pulled into two parts, but doesn’t feel anything like the contractions I had last week, so I again assume this is more painful false labor and don’t even bother timing them.
Kim calls at 4 and I am really hurting. She wants to know if this means I am in labor.. Nope I assure her.. just more of the same.. really. But I cant talk through quite a few of them and decide to go take a nice warm bath and have a glass of wine to see if they go away. Since the soup is all done and frozen, this is what I do. My bath is short and painful. The wine doesn’t stop them and neither does the bath. I have to roll onto my stomach many times so the warm water eases the horrible pain in my front. But again these contractions are all in my lower back and front.. not top to bottom as I expect them to be. I have also lost more plug and have bloody show. I decide to head out of the tub and let DH know that I think this might, just might, be labor. Head downstairs and am in extreme pain. DH takes one look at my face and hangs up his work phone call. We call my mom, forgetting that she is at work today and not home. By now it is after 5 pm. I call Melissa, my doula, and she heads over and DH calls my dad, who heads over to watch DS. DH hurries around the house, tidying up a bit and then he and DS hit the shower while I bounce on the birth ball in the living room. This does bring some relief through the contractions, which by now are very strong and intense. By 5:30 dad arrives and a few contractions are over the top. I nearly loose it to fear and pain in a few of them but manages to breathe and regain control. Melissa arrives and she suggests hands and knees for a while. I have to moan LOUDLY through these contractions. We try a few positions, hands and knees, birth ball, squatting. All help but the contractions are coming pretty fast and hurt a lot. But even at their worst, they were manageable and I didn’t loose it like I thought I would. Some were close and having Melissa here to focus on was a godsend. About 20 minutes after she arrives I feel like I am going to be sick and promptly am, quite a few times. It really sucks to have to throw up and have a contraction at the same time. I say to Melissa “I thought you were not supposed to throw up until transition…” She laughs and nods.. Here I am thinking that I am probably a 3 or a 4 cm dilated.. she is thinking that I am at least a 7 and suggests calling the MW. Thankfully it is Suzanne, my favorite MW and she is on call and at the Birth Center. DH talks to her first as I am puking.. and then I speak to her. She says that she thinks it would be a very good idea to head up now.
We head out the door and I sit in DHs car.. sitting is excruciating! It triggers a huge contraction that I have to get out of the car and stand in the pouring rain to deal with. Melissa suggests kneeling in the front seat and facing backwards.. This means no seat belt and normally I would never ride without one.. but I couldn’t sit for the 20 minute drive and I agree. She says I should expect “oh.. about 5 good ones” on the way.. and I hold on to this number like a mantra..
We head off. DH tries not to speed, knowing I have no seat belt (what a disaster that would be) and the roads are wet and leaf covered. It felt like a very long drive and I have 11 contractions on the way. Some of them are very hard to breath through and I am moaning up a storm.. but hanging in there too.. Each one took all my focus to get through but I never felt out of control or that I couldn’t handle it. At one point the car slowed and I was convinced there had been an accident.. I was ready to loose it then.. I would get out of the car and walk to the Birth Center! But it was just someone turning up ahead.
We arrive and I have two more contractions into the Birth Center and on my way to my room. The nurse wants me to change into a gown and after the next contraction, it is all I can do to crawl into bed.. I have lots of bloody show and the nurse drops her request and gets down to getting the baby monitored. This all goes by in a little bit of a blur, as I am on my back and it HURTS to be there! Diane, one of the nurses, checks me and says “9!” I thought I had mishead her.. “9? 9cms? Really” I can’t stop smiling.. WOW!! I never thought that would be what she would say!! I am so happy I laugh. My water is still intact too. Suzanne comes in and helps me kneel, facing the back of the bed through some more contractions. I am nearly at 10 but there is a cervical lip.. just like with Ian. Lots of position changes later and what feels like hours, but was probably just 20 minutes or so.. it finally goes. Suzanne asks if she can break my waters and I say yes, but just as she is about to it goes POP during a contraction and soaks everyone!
Then the fun starts. I start pushing.. the initial pressure release from the bag of water’s breaking felt great and at first, pushing does too. It is really really hard work, much harder than I remembered with DS (though I had had 2 doses of epidural by that point with him). I push for probably an hour.. I have no sense of time at all… when Suzanne asks if they can insert a Heplock. I agree, she had been willing to forgo it, even though it was policy.. and knowing that, I know that she would not ask frivolously.. so I agree to one. Sue, the nurse, inserts one in my left arm between contractions. Pushing is going well..and not all at the same time. I am putting 200% effort into it and doing it right (something I was worried about because with DS I was told I wasn’t pushing right etc etc etc) but the baby isn’t descending. They put me on oxygen, as the baby was having some decelerations that were not coming up. This scares me and I concentrate on breathing deeply for the baby after each contraction. They are really intense and I am pushing will all the strength that I have plus more. We try lots of different positions, the Heplock comes out and then put it into the other arm and wrap it up in an ace bandage.. its not moving anywhere now.. I guess it is about 2 or 3 hours into pushing now.. and Suzanne says she has asked Dr B to come in. DH says I looked really scared then, I knew something was up.. But Suzanne assures me that the baby is fine and he just wants to check on things. He comes in and checks on the baby.. urges me to push and try a few different positions and says he will be back. We try sitting, squatting, side, knees up against the squat bar, kneeling.. The Dr comes back and soon in comes the Anesthesiologist. I nearly lost it then. I was so scared.. I /knew/ what that meant.. but no one says a word about surgery. The Anesthesiologist leaves and Dr B suggests a catheter to give the baby more room. I am also asked to drink some Ginger Ale for some sugar as I threw up all my lunch and had no breakfast to speak of. I go and sit on the toilet and use that through a few contractions. Then head back to bed for some more pushes in a different position. Dr B comes in and says that the baby hasn’t come down any more since he checked earlier. We try more positions.. Melissa says her favorite line was when I said “Come out you little shit!” But I began to think that this wasn’t going to happen as planned and that was not something I wanted to think about. I looked at Dr B and said “I really don’t want a c-section..” and he nods and says that he knows.. The baby is looking great so he says “keep pushing” and heads out. I try with all my might to get this baby out. Every push I push like it is my last hope.. By now it has been over 3 hours.. Dr B comes in again and there has been no change in her position. They can see hair (those words still haunt me from DS’s birth..) and now I hear those dreaded words again.. See hair.. be SO CLOSE.. and yet it just won’t happen. Pushing is so painful now and yet I keep trying. The Dr even tried to push the baby back up to rotate her into a better position.. it doesn't work. Nearly 4 hours into pushing I am at the end of my strength. When I look at people I see two of them instead of one. I am shaking and pushing effectively is become very very hard. Before I could push 3 or 4 times with each urge.. now I can barely manage twice… Dr B comes over and very gently suggests that this baby isnt’ coming out on her own, that it isn’t anything that I haven’t done, that I have tried everything and done everything and pushed with amazing strength…
I take a deep breath and look at DH and Melissa, I can see DH is torn.. he is thinking the same things I am.. if we give up now are we giving up because we are just throwing in the towel and not trying.. or is it time..? I try to push through a few more and know in my heart that this is not giving up in the slightest.. She is stuck…I, and I alone decide that it is time.. and say so. Enough…
Once the decision is made things go quickly. The Anesthesiologist comes and asks a few questions. They give me an injection to help slow the contractions.. it doesn’t work too well.. Now that I have decided that enough is enough the contractions are so hard to deal with. Not pushing with them is excruciating.. It is a little before 11 pm on Friday and I make my way to the OR, luckily just a few doors down the hallway. I am a little nervous for the spinal, they don’t do epidurals and have to sit so still through 2 contractions that it is so hard.. but it goes in without problems and within 3 minutes I am finally feeling relief. Things are ready to go by 11:10 and the surgery begins. Suzanne and DH are at my side, Melissa is at the door to the OR. It takes Dr B and Dr J a very long time, it seems, to get the baby out. I am concerned the whole time about her safety.. 22 minutes goes by.. they have lots of problems getting her unstuck. Dr B asks DH if he would like to see her be born. DH is thrilled and even gets to take a picture! She comes out, the Dr says he had to roate her breech to get her out, something that he hasn’t ever had to do before.. and she is taken to the warming station. It was right near me in the OR, so I could turn my head and watch and see what they were doing. DH goes over to see and take photos and Suzanne stays near me, explaining things. They have to work on her for what seems like a long time. She has lots of fluid in her lungs and poor arm muscle tone. Her initial Apgar is only a 5. Soon she lets out a cry and things look better. (later Melissa tells me that she was very floppy and that things were scary for a moment or two..) I am torn between wanting to see what they are doing and feeling sad. Suzanne brings her to me to hold! And I am afraid of dropping her but Suzanne assures me that I won’t. Her forehead is black with bruising and cuts, she looks like she has been beaten in the face with a stick.. but she has the most wise eyes you have ever seen. They take her to the nursery and John goes with them. Suzanne stays with me, Dr J leaves. Things seems to be taking a long time and after a while I ask.. “is everything ok?” I am getting nervous.. Dr B asks that the curtain be lowered so we can chat and says that he has cut my bladder during the initial cut to get Sophia out, it wasn’t were it should have been. He is also having trouble getting all the little capillaries to stop bleeding (little bleeders he calls them) He says he has never seen so many at the site of an old scar. I am in the OR for over an hour after Sophia is born. During this time Dr B and Suzanne and I chat. Things are kept light and humorous. A totally different experience than my last C-section.. where I felt like a non person the whole time. As things wrap up, Melissa comes back and asks if I want to know the weight.. I had guessed 7.5 lbs.. she had guessed 8.5 lbs… Sophia weighs 9 lbs 2.2 oz!!! And has a 36 cm head!!!!!
The Dr explains her presentation. She was completely OP (posterior) with a forehead first presentation. The front of her forehead was engaged and her neck bent back instead of tucked to her chest. I am amazed her neck didn’t break….I again feel that this really tells me she wasn’t coming out any other way than via surgery.
Things finally wrap up and I am taken back to my room. As we wait for Sophia, Melissa hugs me tight and reassures me that this was the right decision, that I was great in labor and am so strong! I truly believe her words down to my heart and know that this was what had to be done. I am sad but not crushed by the outcome. I feel proud of myself too. It is now after 1 am, and DH and I send Melissa home with our deepest thanks.
The lights are low and cozy. Sophia is brought in and the nurse, Karen, tucks her into bed with me and helps get us both settled. Suzanne comes by and makes sure we are all well. She hugs me too and says similar things to what Melissa said. Sophia gets to sleep with me all night, I was surprised but so happy! Her forehead looks awful..but I am falling completely in love with her. She latches on to my breast and we spend the rest of the night dozing.
I stay in the hospital for 3 more days. Day 2 was really rough with pain, I could barely move. Sophia seems to nurse well, though my milk isn’t in. Everyone is so kind and checks on me and how I am feeling often. The Dr stops by to chat, Suzanne comes by often, the nurses are wonderful. They stop John in the hallway or the lounge to comment on the delivery. Everyone has a name tag on their door and mine is the only one with an “awesome” sticker on it.. That really makes me smile.
I am sad that the delivery didn’t go as I had wanted. I had pinned my hopes on a VBAC and thought I would be crushed with another c-section. But I am not crushed, disappointed but not crushed. I feel that this birth empowered me and given me a real sense of closure for my first birth. Looking back, DS’s birth ended in a c-section due to a transverse arrest.. so he was trying to turn the right way but didn’t… perhaps this is the way I just make and carry babies….? But I know that I can go into labor on my own…(unlike time #1 where I wasn’t given the chance) and I know I am strong and can handle the contractions without drugs!! I know that I can push like hell and do it right!! This birth really helped me trust my body again and feel confident in myself. That is a wonderful gift! I couldn’t’ have done it without our wonderful doula Melissa. She was amazing and will forever be held in a special place in my heart. My husband was amazing. I think that I will always feel some sadness that I won't be able to have the birth I want.. I just seem to grow BIG babies that like to hang out OP .. But looking back at Sophia's birth, I cannot say that I didnt' give it everything in me plus more.. no one can say I didn't try!
Even now.. 3 months after her birth, I still feel sad that I didn't get the VBAC I so wanted.. but I am more at peace with the c/s than I ever was with DS's birth..
Will I try for a VBAC with #3? I am not certain.. The climate towards vbacs is terrible now... and towards vba2c is nearly always a resounding NO! I really want to have a baby vaginally, but with 2 having such poor presentations.. perhaps there is some physical cause.. something in my shape that makes this happen? Who knows...DH says to just take it one day at a time.. When the time comes and we are ready for #3, then we can think about it. I like to plan things out WAY in advance though.. I guess he is right.. we can only wait and see how the next time plays out...
Chantal
on the VBAC not working out...mine didn't either, and I still struggle with it. And, like you, I don't know what I will do about baby #3.
