"I want to live with Mommy, but Daddy does funner stuff"

[Fluffhead]

Im so hurt and frustrated I just dont know what to do right now except cry and maybe vent a little. I am completly open for suggestions. A lil history: I have two kids with my ex. We are in the middle of one of the worst custody battles you could imagine. Very bitter and the children are used as pawns by my ex;s family. My ex lives with his parents and is working the first job of his life (never worked when we were together). He works ALOT. Presently I have sole custody of both kids and he sees them every other weekend. I try to give him more time when the kids are out of school, etc. Amazingly, my frustration is not with him right now, its with DD...even though she really didnt do anything except be honest. Please tell me how i can get over this and look at it without feeling so hurt.

I was helping DD (6) take her overnight bag into her bedroom upon arriving back home. I had sat a laundry basket of clean clothing on the floor in front of her dresser earlier that day so that I could have her help in putting it away so I would know where she wanted things to go. I told her this and she responded by saying “am I going to be living here with you or with Nana”? I was so shocked by this question I didn’t know how to respond. I asked her
Where do you want to live”? She responded to me by saying “I want to live with Mommy but we do funner stuff at Nana’s house”. She almost seemed resentful of this.

I am tired of working my butt off to make sure she attends school daily, gets her homework done, gets her bath and get adequately fed each night. There is never any extra time for “fun stuff” until the weekend and I only get two weekends a month. I give ex-DH the extra days off of school so he can have more time to visit with the kids and I do my best to make sure that relationship is maintained. The result is me not getting much extra time for “fun stuff” because the majority of my responsibility is ensuring her education and growth. The price I pay is ex-DH being the parent who is looked at as the parent who is funner and does funner things. Most of the time it isn’t even him doing the “fun things”, it’s his parents because he works literally non stop while the kids are there every other weekend. They come home with tons of new toys and talking about everything they did and I just can’t compete with that.

My DS (4) is the opposite. He doesn’t care what we do or where we go. He is happy just to be with me. He rarely ‘wants’ to go on the weekends and often begs me to let him stay home. He isn’t fooled by the fun things and material items bought. But they are a package deal.

I feel resentful for her for saying this, not so much what she said but the way in which she said it. I feel bad for resenting it and I feel like a terrible mother because she feels like I am no fun. I bust my ass up and down every single day to make sure the core things are taken care of but she can’t see that

How do I explain to a 6 year old that the reason she gets to do nothing but "fun stuff" when she goes to her dads is because when she is with me, I bust my ass making sure she gets her education, eats adequately, is well cared for, etc. And that all the free time we would have for "fun stuff", I hand over to her dad so he can spend somewhat equal time with them. I feel so hurt and so beat down....

[indiana ima]

ugh. i don't know, but to you.
umm, can you have a conversation with her where she has to figure it out for herself? ask her leading questions, essentially? i don't know much about six year old girls.

[MamaBug]

First I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can only imagine how sad it made you feel to hear her say that.

Take heart that it is just an age thing, I just read Your 6 Year Old and it clearly says that the 6yr old has the hardest time with the primarty caretaker and that is you. She still loves you even if she is not showing it right now. Maybe take some extra time with just her at night to do something extra, like play a game or do your nails. And honestly maybe take some of that time off from school for yourself, you deserve fun time as much as he does. And I would talk to her about why there is less fun time when she is with you as opposed to him, he does not have a house and two kids to take care of and you do, she is old enough IMO to know these things. When my dh is away with the military we do things differently then when he is here, and my 6yr old understands why because we talk about it. Try to talk to her when she is calm, and not right after a visit, and maybe ask her some of the kinds of things that she would like to do with you to make it more fun, it may be just as simple as her helping you make cookies for dessert.

Good luck and I truly hope that this all works out for you

[TiredX2]

I don't have advice for your specific situation (thought I have to commend you on how you are behaving--- like an adult, eventually your kids will thank you for it) but I wanted to second SoccerMom's comment about it being a six year old thing.

At DD's b-day party one of her friends said she wanted me to be her mom I know she is very close to and loves her mom very much and doesn't *actually* want that. Just like I "know" DD loves me and wants to be with me even when she is yelling she hates be and is never going to be here again.

I'm sorry you are feeling that way. Is there any way ex-DP can pick up some slack so you have a bit more fun time with DD (even helping pay for a housecleaner or the like?)?

[Mom4tot]

ITA with Soccermom. Take some of that down time with the kids yourself. I am sure you are tired and need some time for you, but some fun, relaxing time with the kids may help rejuvinate you, too. I like the painting nails together idea, or just going to a park and playing, maybe starting a little hobby together (knitting, scrapbooking, teaching her to sew?) Remember, it is the little things kids remember and need.

[cmb123]

Oh mama, I know how you feel. I am a single parent of 3, and they ALL feel that way. They go to Dad's and it's anything goes, TV, junk food and goofing around all day .My house is full of "real life" ya know, school, homework, gymnastics, piano. I work 2 jobs and go to school, cause "Daddy" hasn't paid child support in over a year.

What I tell my kids is that I'm glad they have so much fun at thier Dad's house. I explain to them the difference between weekends and weekdays, and since they are at their Dad's on the weekends, he get's the "fun time"
(that's a far cry from what I"d like to say......)

For me, I just try to keep in mind that one day, when they are bigger they will SEE and KNOW how hard I worked, and they'll see their Dad for what he is. I have to remind myself constantly.
I just let them enjoy themselves, and keep on working.

[jempd]

I'm responding to this because, though I don't have any personal experience, my sister (to whom I'm close) went through exactly the same thing. It's hard, but your daughter is young and can't understand yet why what you do is worth so much more. But wait. She probably will when she's older. That's what happened with my sister's kids. She was the responsible parent who came off as being the tough one as it fell to her to do the disciplining, the daily enforcing of household rules, making sure they brushed their teeth etc., and since she had so few weekends, her ex got to be the 'fun' parent. He deliberately tried to make it worse too as he childishly tried to get an edge, and there were no rules at his house, no set bedtime etc. But gradually the girls got to miss the structure and caring that they could sense in their mother's household. I would just resign yourself to some hurtful comments in the next few years i.e. 'Dad lets us eat ice cream for breakfast' kind of thing. And I would try, once the bitterness has died down some. to (if there's any way you can) join forces as much as you can with your ex in terms of doing disciplining stuff together, so that the kids see that you and he are somewhat of a unit although living separately. Can you make it clear to your ex and his family that it is bad for the kids to try to buy their loyalty or even make them feel that to be loyal to one parent they need to be disloyal to the other? I just wanted to tell you that it was very hard for my sister for many years but ultimately, by the time the girls were young teens, they absolutely wanted to live with their mother because they preferred the stability and caring they got with her to doing 'fun' stuff every weekend and getting frivolous gifts.

[MsMoMpls]

I agree with a lot of the support you are getting- it is hard, six year olds are like this, you know you are doing the right thing. The other hard thing to remember is at this age- you are her primary emotional support, you are her therapist. That is great, when things in your life are going ok but it is really hard when you are stressed and your stress is also her stress. You need to make sure you get a great deal of support through this so that you can continue to be as supportive of her as it clearly seems like you are being.

One of the reasons that going through a custody situation is so hard on kids is that they feel like they have a great deal of power. The question of where you want to live should really never be asked of a child. Who wouldn't want to live where it is always play time? I don't blame you for asking but try to stay away from that area. The best answer might have been, you will always have a safe place to live and you will always have people who love you to take care of you. By asking her where she wanted to live, you might give her the idea that she has a say and that is too scary for her.

[oldcrunchymom]

This is normal for the age. My 6yo sometimes comments that "Daddy has better food" when she can't find any junk food in our house. That's because all Daddy EATS is junk food. Comments like that can be annoying but I don't take them personally. My son is 9 and he is already appreciative that I can actually cook real meals and sit down and help him with his Latin and math. I'm sure in a couple years your daughter will have a different perspective!