ppd and me...

[BlueMoonTime]

I'm having a really tough day today- nothing specific has happened to make it so, but it's just me really. It's just truely hit me that I won't be able to find my true talent for several years (I really want to get into making glass jewelry) but of course, Jon's stone cutting matierials are always more of a priority. He wants a $2000 stone-cutting machine and would rather buy that than move us to a nicer place or anything else.
Our friend, Clay, offered to give me his old torch and kiln and I said "Well, now that Clay is blowing glass again, I bet he can't afford to give it up... Not that I have anywhere to put it or time to learn." And Jon just sat there...
I just feel like, well, this is my life and this is all it ever will be.
Don't get me wrong- I absolutely love my kids and all of you but I feel like I've never gotten to live. I've never had the chance to find myself, and I never will.
I feel so useless & worthless- I can't even do my own laundry, go grocery shopping, or even take Druzzy to the park... I mean, really... what am I good for?

I know that good things come to those who wait- but I've been waiting for nearly 23 years now............................................... ..

*sigh*

It's just one of those downer days for me...

[Jish]

I'd give you advice, but I don't think that's what you need now. I think you just need a hug. It can be hard to be at home with your kids. I'm sort of in that same boat of trying to decide what I want to do when my kids are all in school. I've been away from any sort of career this last decade, and now I get to decide what I want to do with my life when the time comes. It can be daunting to start over in your 40's (that's what I'll be when they are all in school.)

You will find your place and your calling. It may just take time. Men can be pretty dense at times.

Waking baby, got to go.

Hugs to you.

[EllasMama]

I'm sorry you're having such a downer of a day. I think the majority of moms feel as you do sometimes, even if they don't have PPD. With PPD it's that much harder!

You will find yourself. Just not today. Children aren't little forever, I keep reminding myself. Someday I'll actually be sad that my DD doesn't want my attention, which is hard to believe in the midst of hearing "MOMMY!" 800 times a day.

Is there a smaller dream that you can concentrate on while waiting for more of your time and energy to free up over the years? It can be a teeny tiny dream and still feel good to think about and work toward. I took up making greeting cards every once in awhile. Scrapbooking or knitting were way too overwhelming - I would NEVER finish such a "large" project. So I make one little card sometimes. Doesn't take long, and provides quick gratification. Maybe choose a book you want to read (something fun - not a parenting book or anything that is a downer) and make a plan of how you're going to work toward making time to read it.

It sounds like you're quite young, so you may not have experienced so much of how life twists and turns. I'm just starting to recognize this in my life (I'm almost 32). My goals and dreams continue to change over time, and every experience contributes to how my future is constantly being reshaped. I have a dear friend who was working toward a PhD and becoming a professor. Fast-forward 4.5 years and she has 3 little children and is hoping to soon start working toward a very different dream of becoming a homebirth midwife. You just never know where life is going to take you. I don't mean you shouldn't have dreams and plans - you should! But try to remember that even if the ride you're on seems awfully bumpy and to be steering way off course, it might be steering over the longer term toward something wonderful that you haven't even thought of yet.

Hugs to you. Hang in there!

Love,
Carol