what would you like dh to be saying when you're in labor

[valeria_vi]

I saw an interesting discussion on another board and wanted to start one here as well.
as far as words, how do you want dh to be comforting you when you're in labor?
on the other board, a mom said that all the standard "you're so strong", "you can do it" kind of stuff would drive her insane and she'd kick dh's butt for that. but she is unsure of what she would want to hear. if you have given birth before - what had worked for you? if you're a first time mom - what do you think will work for you?

[ashleep]

I didn't know what I wanted before going into labor, but once there I didn't really want anyone talking to me during contractions, but inbetween I wanted dh telling me that he loved me, giving me kisses, and in general just being affectionate. I didn't go for the 'you're so strong' comments too much, but mainly b/c I *knew* I was doing great so I didn't want to hear something I already knew. But I never had the crazy transition emotions either, I was pretty grounded the whole time. Maybe I would have been more particular if transition had been rough?

[aja-belly]

i think i would rather him just shut up and be physically supportive. lol i want some music on, but other than that i think i will want it quiet.

aja

[sadean]

I needed very practical speech, like specific what was happening and what to do ("surges are x length long and x minutes apart", "breath deeply", "relax, your doing fine...push if you need too", "I can see the head", that sort of thing) or frankly nothing at all. I found extranious talking more annoying than helpful. With my last birth (6.5 weeks ago), I was happiest. He left me alone to labor in the tub until I needed him. He only interrupted me a couple of times to see how I was doing. I needed his constant attention for the last 1/2 hour when I was in transition and pushing (it was a fast labor for me...about 3 hours of early labor, 3.5 hours of active labor). I attribute the relative ease of this labor and delivery to being left alone in peace to do what felt right (which was laying on my side in the tub for 2.5 hours :LOL ).

I don't think there is a "right" thing to say to supporting a laboring woman. But the approach that seems most effective is to being very in tune with the woman's needs at the time, accepting that those needs may change over the course of the labor and having a lot of ideas of what might work (a bag of trick, so to speak).

***Forgot to add music. DH slipped a CD in at some point, which was helpful.

[USAmma]

I don't know . . .my dh pretty much slept through my first labor. I was sooo mad. He was like, well you aren't in pain (epidural) so I'm just going to take a nap. I really wanted his company. He was much more plugged in with the second birth, held my leg, patted me. I don't remember if he said anything or not but I'm glad he was there for me that time.

[littleteapot]

My DH was quietly supportive, and that's what I needed. Having people say "yay for you" every five seconds would have driven me crazy and broken my concentration.
When I was pushing, I lay in DH's arms and he breathed with me, said he loved me and when she started crowning would say what was coming out (it's a head, eyebrows, etc). For me, that was perfect.

[rainbowmoon]

hmmm, that is a good question especially as I feel DH repeatedly (and nervously) pestered me during my first labor. I remember being exremely annoyed and wished he'd leave me alone! I really liked laboring in peace and quiet.

he also took a nap too as I told him to go away for awhile, but I really didn't mean for him to go to sleep. glad someone got some rest though anyway :LOL

I don't have anything specific I want him to say but think whatever it is he says I want it to be positive and not a question I have to think about.

[artgoddess]

Hmmm, that's a good one. At different stages of labor I needed different things from my DP.

Early managable contractions, I think I just wanted him to be excited. Time the contractions and offer to get me things to make me more comfortable. I remember thinking he was sooo calm, and being a little disappointed he wasn't all excited. But then when it was time to go to the hospital he suddenly acted like Ricky Ricardo in I Love Lucy, really, that was more fun.

At the Hospital while the contractions were at their worst (just prior to transition) I needed him to tell me I was beautiful, that he loved me and he was so proud of me. (in that order of importance)

During transition was when I hit the wall "I can't do this." was coiming out of my mouth. Unfortunately after 32 hours at that point DP was done for and had nothing to say but "I'm so sorry." and "I don't know what to do." These were exactly NOT the words to say to me. The best thing, and what kept me going was the nurse who cupped my face in her hands and looked me in the eye and said "Sara, you *are* doing it."

When pushing I needed a play by play. "I can see the head." "Here comes the next contraction, deep breath." things like that. This was a good time again for praise for all I had already acomplished.

[eminer]

First time dh largely left me alone but was nearby. That was good. Though artgoddess, you reminded me that I think he told me I was beautiful, which was really good, too. :-)

This time I would like him to hear him talking with dd, maybe baking a cake. (We're buying a "0" birthday candle.) That would actually be a very active role, because I really feel like knowing that dd is having a certain kind of experience (or rather *not* a certain kind of experience I worry about) would free me to do my thing.

[DallasCPM]

I told my dh, all he had to do to give me the support I needed was...

"I'm here."
"I love you."
'You're beautiful."

Everything else, I left up to the women (my midwife and doula). They instinctively know what to say to a laboring woman.

[stafl]

before giving birth, I thought I wanted him to read our wedding vows to me during labor. But when the time came, I didn't want anyone saying anything to me at all, especially not DH, and must have yelled "shut up" to him several times! I just wanted to be left alone.

[hawkfeather]

hows about.. oh sacred Goddess creator of heaven and Earth bringing me the holiest of holy gifts..your radiance shines and touches all..

I dunno I will be happy with "let me get *that*"....something that bugged me with my ex husband at the births of our children was that he seemed to forget every single contraction what to do.. or rather that he should be doing something.. I can't imagine he will know the exact right thing to say.. it is the intention i care about.. he *wants* to try and do well.. but the presence *true presence* being *with me* is what i care most about..

[mwherbs]

When I am in labor I don't want to hear much talking. So from DH what I wanted was for him to be quiet and anticipate maybe that I would need some water to drink or help up. But I didn't want him asking me all the time what I want or what to do, silence is golden for me.

[mezzaluna]

he told me "you're doing great" a few times, which was fine, but it meant a lot to me that my doula kept saying that - since she's seen childbirth many times before, and my husband hadn't. other than hearing the doula say that i was totally focussed on my DH - our doula would say things to him about things to suggest to me, and i would hear her, but it wouldn't even register - then he'd say them to me and i'd actually think about it - "do you want to try lying down in the tub?", etc.

mostly i just needed my DH's physical presence... i gripped his hands tightly the whole way through, and in transition i was standing up hanging on to his shoulders and swaying.

[doctorjen]

My dh is a very intuitive birth partner. I was shocked by this the first time, as it was my second birth, but his first. He somehow knew exactly how to provide the intense counter pressure I need (I had back labor every time) and did not seem the least bit flustered by anything that happened (including the eventual accidental homebirth with our first.) Our last 2 together were more intense labors, and he never left my side, kept all medical personnel from doing anything I didn't want, and generally felt like a supportive rock for me to cling to. He always somehow seemed to know when to find me a drink or a bite to eat, when to provide counter pressure, when to encourage me to move around, even put his face right next to mine and reminded me to breathe when pushing (I have a bad habit of pushing constantly until the baby is out.) At our last birth, when the OB suddenly started yelling out counting at me when I was pushing, he interrupted her immediately and said "We do NOT do that at our births!" She was so shocked she didn't say another word until the baby was out.
I like him to say "I love you. You're beautiful." And also some validating "The was a long contraction." "You're almost there."
My friend attended my third with us, and afterwards, she commented that my dh did not seem sympathetic at all. The last thing I want, though, is sympathy. I loved my dh's calm presence and how he supported me in labor is one of the things I love most about him. Whenever I get mad at him, I think "Think about how nice he was when you were in labor" and it often helps me feel better about him!

[jraohc]

When I was truly in labor, I blocked out just about everything that was going on and have no clue what dh was saying to me, if anything.

Before I was truly in labor, I was carrying on a conversation.

In the brief period of moving from early labor and conversation to active labor and blocking, I think dh said stuff like "you're doing a good job". I think I appreciated hearing his voice. Actually, even when I blocked him out I think I just appreciated heearing that he was still there even though I wasn't listening to him. It was definitely a soft, calm, relaxing tone of voice.

During pushing I was ready to kill him when he joined the medwife with her cheerleading. They were both counting to ten, yelling at me to push with the contractions, push with my body, etc. Neither of them really listened when I said "I can't feel the contractions". Thankfully the doula didn't jump into the cheerleading. At that point, thankfully the nurse stunk and was mildly hostile because I wasn't being a good patient with her epidural - she just stuck to her corner and didn't say anything. I got even more upset with dh 6 months after dd was born when we were talking about the delivery. At the delivery he was agreeing with the medwife with things like "I can see her head", "just a little bit more", etc. Well, 6 months later he admitted that he couldn't see a thing and he was just providing encouragement based on what the medwife was saying. ARGH! I think that if he hadn't been cheerleading with the medwife, I might have had the sense and power to actually wait to have a pushing urge. Oh well.

Anyway, I think it really depends on the circumstances, but if you have some knowledge of what you want or don't want then it's important to make sure your dh understands. I didn't know what I would want during labor, but I did know I didn't want cheered pushing. I guess I didn't really voice that desire with dh before labor. I now know for next time. I think I need to convince him that he doesn't have to repeat everything the midwife says - one person offering encouragement might be sufficient.

[Red Sonja]

"Wow, that was quick!"

During the early part of labor we just held normal conversations. Once I hit transition he didn't really say anything, which was what I wanted. He just helped me change positions, sat in the bathroom with me while I was in the shower, massaged my back with tennis balls, brushed my hair (this is VERY soothing to me). At the end he said "you can do it, hon, he's almost here! I see him!". For the most part he was silent support, which was what I needed - he knew enough not to put his foot in his mouth.

[watermamma]

Originally Posted by doctorjen

My friend attended my third with us, and afterwards, she commented that my dh did not seem sympathetic at all. The last thing I want, though, is sympathy. I loved my dh's calm presence and how he supported me in labor is one of the things I love most about him.

That's exactly how I wanted my DH to be during our 2nd. The most important thing to me was that he not "feel sorry" for me. I got alot of that during our 1st, and it did not help one bit. So I asked him to not be afraid of the pain I was in, to not feel sorry for me or act like it's the end of the world. And he complied, he was so wonderful and so strong. I never imagined he would be such a wonderful birth partner.

[Mamabeakley]

In some ways, what I thought I would want from my DH and what I actually wanted once I was in labor were quite different. I thought I would want him in front of my, holding my hands, so I could see him. I actually wanted him behind and next to me, providing counter pressure during active labor, and supporting my body while I pushed. As far as talking was concerned, though - I knew that it seemed really wierd to me how Bradley books, etc., talked about the husband as "coach", i.e., telling the mom what to do & when to do it. I'm the one having the baby - I get to tell HIM what to do! And I did, and he did it, and that was great.

He also said sweet things like "I love you" "You're beautiful" "Not too much longer now" etc. which was nice.

[cottonwood]

I wanted conversation kept to a minimum because it stimulates the neocortex, and activity in the neocortex interferes with hormone release (just like with sex.) I just can't imagine having someone sitting there trying to have a conversation with me, or pestering me with comments, or trying to coach me. UGH!