what would you like dh to be saying when you're in labor - Page 2

[JoyfulMomma]

Originally Posted by mwherbs

When I am in labor I don't want to hear much talking. So from DH what I wanted was for him to be quiet and anticipate maybe that I would need some water to drink or help up. But I didn't want him asking me all the time what I want or what to do, silence is golden for me.

This is exactly what I think I want. WIth our DD I remember DH sitting on the other side of the room with his head in his hands - not exactly supportive. :

This time he is reading The Birth Partner, so I am hoping he will be a better coach. I think I will give him this quote so he has a better idea of what I want.

JoyfulMomma

[theelfqueen]

I want quiet support -- no talking. LOL
Stay in your area (out of my way) unless I ASK you to help me/do something or I am obviously about to need help (getting into or out of the birth pool, need help getting out of a chair, trying to change positions)

[Llyra]

Originally Posted by mwherbs

When I am in labor I don't want to hear much talking. So from DH what I wanted was for him to be quiet and anticipate maybe that I would need some water to drink or help up. But I didn't want him asking me all the time what I want or what to do, silence is golden for me.

Yeah, that's how it was for me. He tried to rub my back and talk to me and be all sweet, and I kept snapping at him to leave me alone. When he sat quietly in the corner, I was thrilled. I felt so irritable, not irritated at him but just really sensitive, and even the slightest touch or noise drove me nuts. I wanted him to be really quick on his feet when I needed something like water or whatnot, and to be able to psychically interpret my less-than-totally incoherent requests : but that's really it.

It was afterward, when Julia was cuddled up to my breast and it was all over, that I wanted all the affection and stuff.

[theelfqueen]

Llyra -- you just reminded me of an incident (not terribly relevant but in my head so I'm gonna rattle it off) during my second birth... My best friend was acting as my primary labor support (low intervention, unmedicated hospital birth, QUICK) and she was standing beside me offering me water. I don't think I even told her no, I was just so annoyed in general that I kinda batted at it and ended up spilling the whole cup of icewater on her. I remeber it as "I threw a glass of ice water at Kate" but she told me when I mentioned it that "no, I[she] just spilled it on you[me]" and that she felt really awful about it.

Now I'm really sure I remeber saying No and waving a hand at the glass but that's what SHE says happened, and I think I like her version better.

I can tell you what I want my partner NOT to say "Millions of women do this every day, you're going to be fine" in a patronizing tone... My XH did that. It was BAD.

[LoveChild421]

I think for me it is all about the tone- if he says something with beauty, awe, and sincerity then it will comfort me- but if he starts the "you're so strong" stuff without sounding sincere and truly inspired by me then I would rather him just keep his comments to himself. There are times when if he said "you're beautiful" I'm sure I would get pissed at him for lying (like if I've just thrown up and look like hell) but there are times that I'm sure I will feel and be beautiful and then I would appreciate him to say it.

It's more about the feeling he puts into the words than the words themself for me.

[georgia]

Nothing! I like the sacred quiet where nothing needs to be said. In our house, quiet times are few and far between....so, if I'm in labor, give me my peace.

[Orange Crayon]

Just quiet..All I want is him nearby..

[Quindin]

NOTHING!!!!!!! I need peace and quiet!
I didn't mind a little support when I am pushing (though I never pushed for long anyways), but I HATE if people talk to or around me when I am in labor.

[mimim]

Unless he's directly responding to something I've said or done, I prefer quiet. He was really good about this during my previous labors and I never even communicated this desire to him.

The only thing I ask specifically is for him to remind me that I can do it and I'll be done soon, if I start to give up or lose confidence. He didn't think to do this during my first transition. I asked him to say these things during my second, but I didn't need him to because I was able to remind myself.

[HelloKitty]

How about "I'm so sorry you are going through this pain that I will do all the housework for the next 18 years." ????? :LOL OK so I know that's never going to happen but it might shock the pain out of me if it did

I'd rather he didn't say anything except to check and make sure he is doing the right thing like if I ask him to apply pressure to my back he could ask "Here?" Other then that I'd like him to pretty much be quiet! I really can't cope with him asking me lots of questions or try to get my mind focused on something else by talking about stupid non-birth things (which he did a lot of last time), when I'm in pain I just really don't want to have to think and respond.

[KiwiZ]

What would I like my dh to say while I'm in labor? How about "I'm sorry, I owe you for the next 18 years!" Hahahaha couldn't resist!

Actually I wanted silence cuz I was concentrating so hard. He was great at giving me back rubs and ice chips as needed. I remember just opening my mouth and he knew thats what I wanted. When I looked at him a certain way he knew I wanted a rub. He was so calm and supportive

[Pallas]

"Holy crap! You didin't know your were in labor because you had no pain? You just suddenly pushed and *poof* the baby was there? And you had no tearing at all? Amazing! Let me bring you some red grapes to snack on while I make you your favorite pasta with feta cheese." :LOL

In all seriousness, I'm not a person who enjoys conversation of any kind when I'm in labor. I'm in a certain meditative space, and talking makes concentration difficult. I am ... impolite ... and then feel bad about it, which is also distracting.

I appreciated reminders of things we'd learned:
"Keep your sounds low and powerful, make elephant sounds, Monica Selez sounds."
"You say you can't do any more? Remember, that means you're almost done!"
"Feel the baby's head coming out -- that helped with the pain last time."

Short and to the point, and then STFU. No rah-rah, no warm-fuzzy.

But it's sooo personal, and every woman's different. Hell, every birth is different!

edited because one shouldn't try to type at 2am without one's glasses on.

[Salihah]

I have my babies really, really fast 2-3 hours from the very first barely-felt contraction to holding my baby. The labor is really intense. I do non-medicated, natural birth and I just prefer my husband keeps quiet, lol! Love him dearly, but when I am in active labor I don't want to be talked to or touched by anyone, including my dh or the midwife.

I want them both there and near me, but I find talking is distracting to me when I am trying to stay relaxed and focused. With my last birth my dh kept stroking my cheek and I just hollered at him suddenly, "Honey, stop touching me, don't talk to me!!"

There is always a point for me in active labor when I suddenly get a wave of just feeling sort of panicky and fearful, it is usually when the baby crowns and I just feel a lot of pressure and pain and like I am going to tear apart down there. I just go from being calm and relaxed to suddenly terrified from the pain. Lasts just briefly, but it is then that I just need some verbal reassurance from dh and my midwife that everything is normal and going fine, and I am doing well. Don't know why that happens, but that is the only time I want to him talking...that and when the baby is born!

[crunchy_mama]

Well, I had coached dh on all these things to say before labor, but when the time came I didn't want to hear him. I didn't want to talk, it was like being in another world, I heard everybody just fine and I was perfectly lucid, thinking in my head but no words came out. When pushing started I felt a little more present, but got tired of the "you can do it," after a while a figured out they were lying when they kept saying ,"he's almost here." So, I liked quiet support, watching me to see what I need, basically I wanted him to read my mind.