I need help with pre-K readiness, please, please, please please...

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I need help with pre-K readiness, please, please...

DC started pre-K last week. She has been visiting the school on and off for 6 months and knows some of the teachers and students a bit. It's a small school but she's being immersed in second language there although the teachers help her in English.

She's been going every week day for one hour for 8 days now. I stay with her but I've ran out to the store three times. Once she was fine but two times she cried shortly after I left. (I was only gone 10 minutes all times) She isn't progressing with me being away at all.

Now, I feel she's stressed. I think she's really tired from the new schedule. She's also not sleeping well and is having bad dreams.

I'm calling them now to let them know we're either going to be late tomorrow or we may not even come if she's too stressed in the morning because finally fell asleep too late to get up.

Part of me is telling me she isn't ready. But, part of me is worried that she'll just need a little push to get over this hump. A big part of me feels this would be really good for her ~ it's close to home, cheap, they have a sweet program, it's a half day and...

I don't know. I really want this *for her*. I honestly don't mind if she stays with me and it would, in fact, be easier on me. Pre-school schedule and readiness is a huge PIA.

I guess I really need some help. I feel really lost as a parent right now...for the first time since I can remember. I honestly feel like this is the hardest step so far.

[TiredX2]

I'd pull her out, personally. Do you know the entrance date for kinder in your area? Around here she wouldn't be going next year, or the year after, but the one after that (we have an aug 31 cutoff--- so you'd have 2.5 more years to get ready).

Good luck!

Kay

[IdentityCrisisMama]

This is pre-K not kindy. I'm not really sure about what you mean ~ cut off stuff. Are you talking about kindy or pre-K? Here they start first grade at 6 years and they have what they call kindy before that.

I guess I will pull her out after I try a little longer. There is more to this though. I really do think it would be good for her if she could get over this...even if she needed a little push.

Also, I want her to learn German sooner than later. Also, I would like to take some classes myself but that's a side issue at this point.

So, what's the deal in the US. I don't want to sound 'out of touch' as if I'm so 'international' or anything but I really don't know what schooling is like in the US for little kids because I don't remember for myself or my siblings.

Is pre-K common? What time do kids normally start school if they're doing the whole deal? Not that I would follow that or anything but...I don't know ~ it would help me keep this in perspective.

Thanks!

[taz925]

They usually start preschool at 3 years old. Some don't handle it well and try again the next year. Your Aya is 2 and 5 months, my son was born earlier that same month. I don't plan on sending him to preschool until Sept.

Doreen

[IdentityCrisisMama]

No, unless I have the birthdate wrong, she's 3 years/4 months ~ not that I really care what age she is as far as readiness. I'm just feeling bad that the 'norm' here is that kids are ready at about 3 and Aya isn't. I just feel a little like I've let her down somehow.

[SweetTeach]

I've taught young children for a while and I first started teaching 3 year olds which would be Pre-K. I think early school experiences can be wonderful for children and their families and I sense from your posts that your reservations may be coming from your own issues with separation (parents have it worse than the children often). You might want to sit with that a bit and think about if you are communicating to her (unconsciously, maybe?) that you're not ready to let her go. If she senses this, she will in turn have a hard time separating because she can feel the mixed messages.

It sounds like she's had a really nice transitional time to get used to the school and the teachers and the routine, so I think you should give it an honest try before you decide to pull her out. Tears, whining, and pleading are really normal and I will tell you as a teacher that they rarely last more than 5 minutes after the parents leave. Can you give her a picture of you/her family to keep and look at as you say your good-byes in the morning? Ask her to dictate a letter to you with her teachers if she's sad. Make sure that as you leave, she is fully engaged with an adult or another child that she's friendly with so she has a "distraction" so to speak and feels safe.

Good luck mama- letting go is hard, but children are really strong and independence is an important part of growing up!

[CarrieMF]

Alot of kids at this age need an adjustment period and they go through this for a couple of weeks. When she cried those 2 times, was she still crying when you got back?

[Linda KS]

I think that part of the reason it is so stressful for her is because it is in German, but I think that you are right that sooner is better than later for the language. When we lived in Montreal is was considered normal for English speaking kids who were attending French Kindergartens to regress, have trouble sleeping, etc.

If you were living in the US and this were just about preschool, I'd say pull her out. But since you are in Germany, my vote is keep her in and stay with her.

Kids in the US with a stay at home parent usually start preschool 2 or 3 half days a week when they are 3. Kindergarten starts when they are 5 and is every day. Most places it is a full day, but in a few places it is a half day. The cut off date is last day for a child to turn 5 and still start K. It varies from state to state. I think it is Sept 30th here.

[Kirsten]

I think maybe the terminology is different between here and there.

Here (in my part of the US anyway) pre-K is what they call the year before kindergarten so the child is at the very youngest, four - and oftentimes younger five year olds whose parents don't think they are ready for kindergarten.

Preschool starts (for most) at age 3 for the first year and age four for the second year. Then on to kindergarten at 5. Cutoff where I am is August 31st so your child (if you lived where I live) wouldn't even be making the cutoff for first year of preschool since she turned three after the cutoff. They have to turn three by that cutoff date to start in September (or anytime that school year).

Is there anything like what we call Toddler Group? It is basically preschool for toddlers (two year olds that turn three during the school year - which your dd does - well, already has but still falls into the category agewise) where you and your child go together for one half day a week. It is set up like preschool with a free play time, circle time, snack time, outdoor play, etc. It is a great opportunity for the child to become accustomed to a school environment with you there. 9 months of this is great practice. Then when the next year comes, she may be more willing to let you go happily since she'd had all that practice with you there as she adjusts to this new setting. There is a teacher, 14 "students" and their moms. I think it was a big part of why my dd2 breezed through the transition to preschool the year after.

In my opinion, preschool is for two things - socialization and learning that school is wonderful. I can teach letters and numbers and colors at home - but I can't be 16 three year olds. Hard to practice lining up with just me and her. Not a lot of opportunities to problem solve how to share a toy if you are always with mom and she isn't taking your toy. So I hate to see little kids disliking preschool - I think it is cutting off your nose to spite your face (or however that goes....) If they don't love preschool, maybe it is the wrong school (or child is just too young).

I do understand getting past something and stretching what your child is capable of. I just think that she (for our US age cutoffs) is too young to be in a class like that so maybe she is just not ready? It may seem to you that other kids her age are doing ok with it but if you were here, you'd see that our expectations for that age may differ and she'd be very average in her response.

She is still plenty young enough to start again next year?

[BusyMommy]

Pre-K here is at 4 years. But, some parents prefer to start their children in preschool at age 3. I'm a kindergarten teacher on leave (2 years) and I personally don't believe in preschool at age 3. I believe it's much more beneficial to do parent/child classes together; ie. library story time, science center classes, zoo lessons, etc. It introduces your child to a structured setting; ie. sitting down, taking turns, listening to a teacher, etc w/o any anxiety. Plus, it's more in touch w/real life experiences and lets you share the learning joys and questions with your child.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Thanks, everyone! This has been so helpful ~ really. I feel very supported by all your posts and will think them over and get back.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Here's another problem...

I feel that she's stressed so I called the school to say we wouldn't be coming today or that we would at least be late.

She's been asking to go all morning. What's up with that?

We're on our way and I'll post when we get back.

[SweetTeach]

In my opinion, preschool is for two things - socialization and learning that school is wonderful. I can teach letters and numbers and colors at home

Just to clarify, children get a lot more out of a good preschool program than these two things- if all we did was teach them about letters/numbers and colors (in addition to socialization) the job would be really easy!

I don't understand how someone can "not believe in" preschool at age 3 (unless you're talking about your own family only). Every family and child is different so how can such a blanket statement be made?

ICM- your daughter's reaction this a.m. is again, really typical! Let us know how it goes.

[mamaduck]

Both of my children started preschool at age 4 and did very well. Even the one who usually has separation problems. I wouldn't have wanted them to go at age 3. They wouldn't have been ready.

[TiredX2]

This is pre-K not kindy. I'm not really sure about what you mean ~ cut off stuff. Are you talking about kindy or pre-K? Here they start first grade at 6 years and they have what they call kindy before that.

To clarify.

Your DD was born September 2001.

In our area that would mean:

Kinder 2006
1st 2007

So, I was just pointing out she could always try Pre-K later, kwim?

Good luck w/your decision!

Kay

[IdentityCrisisMama]

So, hi...

I don't have much to report back on other than more uncertainty. I've noticed that Aya is really not adjusting to the sleep very quickly. This was very apparent when she needed to do a poop in the night ~ something she hasn't done in like 3 years. This is just leaving me feeling like I can't get an accurate feel for how emotionally ready she is if she is not transitioned with the sleep yet.

I'm going in a little later and she's been much more involved. But, I've also dropped the idea that I would leave for that week so it's hard to say which made the improvement.

She's asking to go to school every morning. She really seems to enjoy the idea. She's found a play area that she likes. I think likes this one because it's a physical activity so she doesn't need to communicate as much as with the pretend play.

We stayed to eat and she liked bringing her plate into the kitchen, brushing her teeth and etc. I *love* the idea of her eating family style with these kids. It's something I think is a really good thing for her to experience and it's a weakness in our home (meal time).

So, I still don't know. In these past two weeks, Thursday and Friday was really good. I'm prepared to be discouraged again on Monday but I'll be going with her for the month.

I'll keep you all posted. Thanks again for your help. I was nice to hear so many different opinions.

BTW, the kids normally go to pre-K at age 3 it's mixed aged and they stay together for three years to age 6. It't not a one year type deal, it's a whole 'stage'.

This experience is also really good for me. It's really good practice for me to speak German (I'm also just learning). We're also meeting lots of people in our neighborhood because the school is 3/4 of a mile from our house. We live down town so everyone from the school lives less than a mile from us.

None of this matters if Aya isn't ready but I did want to give you all some background as to why we're even trying at this age.

[luv my 2 sweeties]

From what you write about your dd, I'd be inclined to listen to the little voice that says she needs a little push. My dd was the same way. We decided to send her to preschool at age 3, and I was *very* uncertain about separation, even though I felt that ultimately she was ready and would enjoy the preschool. I had a talk with my mom about it, who helped me see the situation from dd's angle a little better. Rather than seeing how scared she is, see how strong she is. At 3 or 4, they believe what we believe about them. So if we think they can't handle the separation, they are frightned about it. If we express confidence in them, they might still be scared for a short time, but they are more likely to have confidence in themselves. This was exactly how it played out for my dd. Now, before I get flamed : , I am assuming 2 things: 1) Your dd really is ready to try something new -- she's just a little hesitant about separtating, which is normal. 2) You are willing to re-evaluate your decision if it turns out she does not adjust after a few days.

Here's what happened with my dd:
Day 1: All parents stayed all morning (the whole time) at preschool
Day 2: I was one of 2 parents who stayed all morning. I hung back as much as possible so that she could interact with the other children and teachers.
Day 3: I stayed for the first half of the morning, even more in the background. Then I left at snack time (as prearranged with dd), with instructions to the teacher to call me if she did not calm down after a while or became too upset. When I told her I was leaving, she clung and cried. The teacher gently pulled her off me and held her in her lap. I smiled bravely, said I knew she'd have a good time, and turned and left quickly. (I teared up a bit, but didn't let her see that.)
At pick-up, I learned that she cried for several minutes, then seemed to enjoy the rest of the day.
Days 4 - 20?: Most days, I could leave without a scene if I stayed until dd became involved in an activity. The student teacher was an angel -- she often coaxed dd into playing with her so that I could leave. Some days took longer than others. A few days she cried, but never for long. During this time, it was clear that she *liked* the preschool. All other signs were positive.

After a few weeks, good-bye's became much easier. As my instinct had been telling me, the preschool experience was very beneficial for her. Her confidence and social skills blossomed beautifully. Now she's in her second year of preschool and cares not one bit when I leave.

It sounds like your school is sensitive to the separation anxiety that children have. What do the teachers tell you about how they usually handle children like your dd? Our teacher's willingness to be patient and kind gave me the confidence I needed to handle my *own* separation anxiety!

[IdentityCrisisMama]

So,

I have some updates. Somehow, posting here has really helped me focus on the issues.

On of the things I'm finally realizing is that I'm not completely ready for this and it's such a huge part of it. I actually think DC is ready and I'm not. That would explain quite a bit of what's going on here. Lots of people suggested this to me, including some of you, but I needed to get here myself.

What does that mean? I've been doing some readiness stuff *for me*. When I stay there, I focus on what I need to feel good rather than on DC. It's helping.

The other thing that's going on is that I'm realizing that there are some cultural issues that we need to address. See, the schooling here is much different from the US. Pre-k is part of this system ~ 'optional' but not exactly. This is an issue because I think other parents are doing more to get their kids ready than we were.

So, I've to to do more. Helping Aya in this way is going to make me feel more involved, which will help.

One of the things we're going to start with is eating. We don't really eat as a family. At the school, they eat family style ~ only what's offered, wait to eat until everyone is served, stay seated until everyone is finished and clear their own plates. This is SO, so different from our house, :LOL I'm going to start doing it like this 3 times/week. Should be interesting!

I still haven't really left her but I feel better today, which is good considering it's only Tuesday!

I'll keep you posted. Thanks!

[my2girlsmama]

First and foremost we as parents must ALWAYS strive to advocate for our children no matter how hard, how dismaying etc. Meaning, whatever the cultural or expected NORM we must ignore that and follow what we truly feel is best for our child.

My daughter is now in Senior Kindergarten, 5 yrs old. She handled pre-K amazingly well, considering I am a sahm and my children spend all their early years only with me, and a few music and movement classes for socialization and fun, and the odd library reading program. Nothing more. No day care etc. I was warned by so many well meaning working mama friends how she wouldn't *leave* me when need be ( : ) and separation woul dbe hard for her and me. Well, first day of pre-K came and dd literally raced into class forgetting to even KISS ME goodbye! LOL.

Her old school closed, and she started S K at another one, and within the first day she was withdrawn and weird. My gut said *problem* but we let it go a few days-long story short she was being mistreated by b!itch teacher and principal refused to help us so we pulled her after much turmoil in worrying about that decision.

Onto school #3 in 2 years and she is settled. She does have anxieties and such that remained into the 2nd month of school but she has since become accustomed to this school, made firends, and is learning to deal with the normalcies of day to day. In our hearts, while the hardest decision ever to make, switching her was the best decision we made. And I know in my heart I followed what she needed. Plain and simple. I always now live by the *advocate for your child no matter what anyone thinks or says* motto.

I'd pull your daughter out and wait. She isn't ready. She needs you still. I was and am fully prepared to do similar even now.

Good luck!

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I'm not sure she isn't ready. Did you see my other posts? Although, I will remind myself advocate for her...hard to forget, though!