what to do when you don't approve of your child's friends Parents

[KathyS]

I am hoping there is someone out there that has been through this and can offer some advice.

My dd is 12 and she has a friend that her father and I like well enough. She wanted to spend the night at her friends house but since we don't know her parents well we agreed to let her go to her house after school but not spend the night. Her mother was going to bring our dd home later.

Well this is the senerio........ My dd said when they walked in the house after school the first words out of the mothers mouth to the her daughter was " I am so F*cking mad at you".

Is this beginning to be the norm? Do parents really feel its okay to talk this way to their children?

Anyway...she was suppose to be home at 7 oclock...by 9 I was frantically looking for her friends phone # ..I couldn't find it anywhere but know my DD said she left it by the phone. Finally at 10:45. My DD called. They had gone to a football game..and she said they had just gottn back..that she was looking for a phone at the game but couldn't find one. She was extremely upset. and to top it all off..Her friend's Mother had gone to bed..told the girls my dd could just spend the night... So I had to go and pick her up. - I learned today..that other stuff happened too..but this is getting lengthy-

Okay...so we discussed with her what to do next time she ended up in a situation she was uncomfortably with.
WE have also informed her that she can no longer go over to her friends house..but she is welcome to come over to our house.

I just need to know how to handle this with this mother......Even though she probably doens't give a darn what I think about anything..I want to handle it with respect for her, and tactfulness...should I not say anything unless the opportunity presents itself? What does my daughter tell her friend next time she calls up and wants to make plans with her?

Thanks in advance for any helpful suggestions.

[lilyka]

I say don't bring it up unless she asks. It will just hurt dd and friends relationship. If she does ask make yourself the bad guy. "I just don't feel ready to have her sleeping over", "she isn't ready for the same level of responsibility as you give your dd". She will think you are a lune but probably won't stop her dd from coming over to hang out. If you said things like "You don't take very good care of them, you don't respect my wishes" She will thinkyou are a snob and not let her dd visit just out of spite.

[Kirsten]

I agree - someone who thinks nothing of using that kind of language in front of their child - and another child who they are just meeting - will not be changed by a conversation with anyone. If it was me, I would let dd have this friend over to your house or play together at school or other activities but NOT at friend's house. Your household will probably be a sanctuary for the friend - she probably needs to be around appropriate adult behavior.
I would talk to your dd about this in private though. What did she think of how that mother interacted?
When I was in junior high, I was friends with a girl whose parents did drugs. My parents knew this. They liked my friend a lot and said she was always welcome to come to our house but that I was not ever to go to hers. I understood why.
Kirsten

[KathyS]

My Daughter was really upset by her friends mothers language and behavior. When she was recounting the events of the evenings she got real teary eyed so i new she was really upset. I was glad that this kind of language and behavior made her uncomfortable.
She is used to hearing it on the bus from other kids..but not from a parent directed at their own child. We discussed with her why we didn't approve of her going over to their house anymore and what she should do next time she is put in a situation that makes her uncomfortable. She wondered if it would be rude to say that she wanted to go home and then try and find a reason why...
I wonder if I told her the right thing..I told her if she was worried about offending the person or people That she should just say she isn't feeling well and would like to call for a ride home. SHe thought that would be Lieing..but I don't think it is..and I told her so...emotionally she isn't feeling well.
Its so hard to know what is the Right thing to do and say..and how much of it she is repeating to her friend which will then get repeated to the parents...but I guess I shouldn't be so worried about that..right? The well fare of my children is my biggest concern.

[lilyka]

You handled it soooooooo well with your dd. I hope when I get there I wil;l do so well.

I remember spending the night with a friend of mine and pretty much had the same thing happen. Beer, pit bull, no water( shut off), kinky sex paraphanalia left out in the open it was horrible. I think I never really did anything with that friend before. Too much, just too much for little innocent me.

[KathyS]

lilyka

I just don't feel ready to have her sleeping over", "she isn't ready for the same level of responsibility as you give your dd".

I really like the way you put that...I have been trying to memorize it in case I ever need to say something to her..LOL
I find myself avoiding her..I do not like confrontations..although chances are she might not say anything at all in reguards to my dd coming over again..at least I hope she doesn't.

I hope we did handle it well..I think last night we made a huge mistake with Dd..but my DH and I straightened it out with her this morning and things were better.

Thanks for listening and sharing