My son tried sneaking a steak knife to school today

[Camellia]

I need some other perspectives on this - specifically from Mama's with school age kids. My son is in kindergarden and turned 6 last month. He is a really sweet kid. Very intelligent, does well in school, lots of friends etc...

We made one big mistake which we are rectifying before he comes home from school. : We got him his own TV for Christmas : It is coming out today. Ever sine the first day it came on my instincts have been telling it was the wrong decision. I didn't know if I could just take away his Christmas present. We limited him to one hour a day...but the rule kept sliding.

I have been feeling disconnected from his as a result of that stupid box. In a way, I'm glad I have found the "opportunity" to get rid of it. I'm still very concerned that he would try to sneak a weapon to school. Also, last week he stole a toy wand that was laying with another child's things on the playground. We had some good conversation about stealing and honesty. He returned the wand to the school office (he doesn't know who it belonged to).

I guess I'm looking for some advice on how to handle this situation. I know he needs more time with me and his Dad. He is going to get that. What else do I do?

As a side note. My husband adopted Jackson and has been a father to him since he was 15 months old. We try to talk about this every few months (been doing so since he was 2). We never wanted to sit him down one day and drop a bomb of information on him. He often asks why he has never met his bio-father. He actually asked "Is he dead" and when I said no he asked "well, then where is he?" He has a Godfather too, and gets the two concepts mixed up. Is it possible he is struggling more with this than he lets on in everyday life? He never says anything about it unless I bring it up.

I know there is a ton of information in this post. I'm really struggling with parenting Jackson right now. He is pretty high needs in some ways. Mostly, he is just so dang smart. I want to make sure his energy is channeled well. If not, we could all be in trouble. I have the best expectations for him. Its just hard to know what to do at times like these.

Thanks for any help Mamas.

[fromscatteredtribe]

oh my goodness.....!!!!

it sounds like you know what to do regarding the family talks and the tv.

as far as the knife incident itself goes, if it was my first grader I would ask a LOT of questions and listen really carefully to the answers. I would be really careful to say that he won't be in any MORE trouble for telling the truth. well, first i would see if he'll just start talking. i'd be really calm and non-judgmental. maybe say something like, "hey buddy, what did you want the knife at school for?" in a really really calm voice. see if he says that he was asked to bring it by someone or he had a plan with it or he lost his scissors and wanted to cut paper or he was mad at someone. if he didn't open up, I would probably start with the "it's really important that you tell me the truth. telling me the truth is only going to HELP everyone. there will be consequences when you disobey and sometimes when you make a mistake too, but mommy needs you to always tell the truth." after i gathered the info I would take a step back; send him to his (no longer has a tv) room to play, and think/pray/discuss with partner and probably talk to school. from there, i don't know. it's probably better to be less angry, kind of underplay the disobedience part and overplay the safety part.

just my thoughts.......

[Camellia]

I really appreciate your thoughts! Thank-you.

Dh and I have decided that we need to be calm in this matter. We do not want to alienate him any more than we already have with the TV thing. We do want him to be clear that this is a serious thing with specific consequences. The TV being gone when he gets home will let him no this was serious.

It can be a hard balance. I always seem to feel like I was either too harsh, or too lax.

[AmandaBL]

I have a son who will be 6 in Feb, who was also adopted by his stepfather at about the same age as yours. strange.

As far as the knife goes, I'd ask lots and lots of questions. Mine is allowed to "play" weapons, but has never tried to get a real one. It may be something as simple as he needed to cut something at school the day before and scissors didn't work. I can see my son thinking that and me freaking out for a few days over it. Either way, I'd talk to him alot about that!!!

We also have always brought up the adoption to avoid the bombshell you describe. Recently my son has shown more intrest. He has asked what my first husbands name is (I don't call him his father) and he knows that. He hasn't asked where he is yet - and I don't know, so that will be an easy one for me. I just stick to the truth. Simply, but gently. It's very difficult - I truly understand what you're feeling there.

[Camellia]

Hi Amanda,

It is a tough thing with the bio-father issue isn't it? If you ever want to chat, I'd love that. I don't know anyone else IRL or online in this situation. If you pm me we could exchange IM ID's.

My son's bio-father is in my cirlce of friends. I don't see these friends much anymore. We're all in our late 20's now and have moved around. I just joined friendster (online community) and I communicated with my son's bio-father on there. Its causing me a lot of mixed emotions to "see" him and know that he has seen a picture of Jackson on that website. He has never met Jackson or seen a picture before noe. Of course, I am assuming he looked at the pictures in my profile.

Anyway, sorry this has gone so far OT.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone.

[stafl]

is it possible he's being bullied, or is somehow being influenced negatively by the other kids at school? That's why I brought a knife to school in the second grade... but no way was I going to talk to my parents about it! Maybe they just asked the wrong questions?

[1234greatboys]

I agree with AmandaBL. I don't think that he meant any harm, unless he's watching violence on his new TV. I can see my kindergartner doing the same thing. He likes sneaking toys in his back pack. The only problem is that he brings them out when the teacher is teaching. I would just sit him down and explain to him that steak knives have a purpose. They should be used for cutting steak or other food at the "dinner" table. Ask him if they have steak at school. He might laugh, just laugh with him. Everything has a purpose. If he wanted to cut something with it at school, let him know that scissors have a purpose too.
If he says he wanted to cut someone, find out why and resolve that. Let him know that he is to come to you when he has a problem with another child in school. Also, to let his teacher know when he has a conflict with another child.
Most importantly, Don't assume anything!

We don't have tv in our children's rooms because I like to monitor what they watch. It's hard to do that when you're not right on top of them all the time. Plus, we don't have cable so it makes it easy. I know what programs are on the few channels we do get. We have a stack of DVD's that are kid friendly too.

About the adoption thing. My first child is by my ex. My husband has been in his life since he was 10 months old. He is the only father he really knows. I've explained to him that he has 1 father and 1 dad. (father meaning away, dad meaning here) He doesn't ask about his bio-father unless I bring it up. He's 10 now. When he's older, I'm sure he'll have more questions for me. I will answer them then. Sometimes, it's best to keep things simple.

Hope this helps.

[Camellia]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful insights.

The bully thing stirred something in me. I'll have to keep that in mind when we talk this evening. I also appreciate what the pp said about not assuming anything. Dh was adament this morning about a person not bringing a knife to school unless that person intended to hurt someone. I'm not thinking that is so. My gut reaction is that he wanted to impress someone. Jackson is not the type to be bullied. He lets things roll off his back pretty easily. It is totally possible though, and I did get a gut reaction when I read stafl's post.

As usual, everyone here has been very helpful!

Thank-you all!!

PS - look for another post from me this evening after we talk. I'll update and may be looking for more advice

[fromscatteredtribe]

p.s. and OT: thanks, Lindsay, for the newborn diapers...they arrived yesterday....perfect.

good luck tonight. i doubt too that harming someone was really on his mind. thanks in advance for the update. i really don't want to homeschool but it's scary to send them out there not knowing everything, huh?

[SagMom]

My first thoughts were that maybe he brought it for protection...or to impress someone...maybe on a dare? I'm missing the connection between the adoption and the knife or the tv and the knife, but also realize that you didn't post the whole story, so.

I'd ask him directly, without anger, why he brought it to school, then take the conversation from there. Hopefully, he'll open up to you about the "why" and be able to tell you what his intentions were and you can proceed from there. He may have also brought it for a reasonable (well, not to the school authorities) purpose--did he need to cut his lunch? To whittle a stick at recess? These reasons may sound funny, but looking at things from a 6 y/o's pov, there may have been a perfectly innocent reason for him to pack the knife, yk?

[oldcrunchymom]

I'm missing the adoption/TV/knife connection too. I agree with the others that you should find out WHY he brought the knife before getting all super-serious about it.

[Camellia]

I don't have long to reply right now. He said the reason he took it was to sharpen pencils. I believe him. He's really into art, and this is totally something he would do.

For those who didn't see the connection between the TV/adoption/knife - the tv and the adoption are two big things recently introduced into his life. Both are things that could be bothering him. The TV has caused some disconnect in our home since its arrival.

Thanks everyone!

[e&r]

Just a thought about the TV thing-

It's probably too late, but perhaps instead of viewing the loss of the TV as a punishment for bringing a knife to school, you can separate the two incidents for him. I was thinking of just saying, "We made a mistake putting a TV in your room. It seemed like a good idea, but it really is not so good for you. We want to keep you healthy, so we will take it out/took it out as soon as we realized that. We love you and want to keep you safe and healthy and it is not healthy for children to have TVs in their room." or something like that. He may not buy it, but really it is what you are thinking and if you can stand firm and loving with it he may, in the future, see that it was a decision based on his best interest and not a draconian punishment (how he may be feeling about it) for a 6 year old child's mistake.

Anyway, this is just a though. As we are not there in the day-to-day we can only suggest based on what you see. I'm sure that you will know what is right for this situation.

Good luck!
Ellen

[Camellia]

Thanks Ellen,

I think you are right on with that approach. That is the way we handled it too I told him basically what I posted here about the tv. I said how I felt disconnected from him since the tv has been in his room.

He is going to watch his favorite show this evening, but in the livingroom with the family He has been hanging out with the family all afternoon and evening with no tv. He seems really happy too.

The knife incident was innocent, but I'm still glad the tv is out of his room. I told him it was a bad decision we made to let him have it. I told him I love him and want whats best for him. He was upset at first, but seems ok with it now.

Thanks for all the help everyone

[MarineWife]

My first instinct is that your child feels like he needs protection at school. Has he been threatened or is he being bullied? This is a serious problem that most teacher and other school employees ignore as normal childhood behavior but it can be very destructive and dangerous. Think Columbine. An otherwise nice, gentle, kindhearted child does not take a weapon to school for the heck of it. I would talk to your child, your child's teacher and any other adults that observe him throughout his day, such as the lunchroom and recess attendants and the cleaning staff.

[stafl]

Originally Posted by Lindsaylou

The knife incident was innocent...

I'm not convinced. You are his Mama, and know him so much better than any of us do, but they have pencil sharpeners in every room at school. I still think he might be having trouble with a bully, just going on my own personal experience. And it might not be something he feels comfortable admitting or talking about to you. But I wouldn't go to the teacher with your concerns. At least when I was in school, the teachers were often part of the problem, sometimes even favoring the bullies, especially if they were the "popular" kids. I'm not sure how I'd try to find out what's really going on, maybe talk to the principal, have him or her sit in and observe the classroom a few days to see what the dynamic is really like there.

[Camellia]

I talked with him more about how things are going at school. He asked if I wanted to know the good stuff or the bad stuff I said I wanted to know it all, but right now to tell me about the bad stuff.

He named off about 10 kids in his class who are rude to him. He says when they are in line they call him stupid. He says he just ignores them. He also mentioned the cafateria at lunch time is sometimes a problem. He said one day a bunhc of kids poured their milk on his tray and ruined his lunch.

We told him we would do whatever it took to help make this all better. An hour later he said, something to the effect of "Well, maybe that stuff happened a long time ago when i was in pre-school." Stupid was a common word used by the kids in his pre-school.

He said all the kids he listed are ones he play fights with, and they aren't really being mean.

I don't know what to think. I think maybe *I* should observe his class and see what is going on. Although, if his teacher knew I was watching....who knows if I would get an accurate picture. I like his teacher in a lot of ways, and not so much in other ways. Jackson told me that he takes away recess, snack, and or free choice time, as punishements

I so wish we could afford montessori school

I think I will make an appointement with the principle. I like her pretty well. I'll ask that the school behaviorist be there too. I like her a lot.

Thanks everyone

[MarineWife]

When my son was going through this type of thing in school the last thing he wanted was for me to do something about it. He was afraid (and rightly so) that if I went to the school and caused a stink and got anyone in trouble he would be in more danger. He was not completely honest and forthcoming with me about what was really going on. He either got facts mixed up or would retract what he said, just as your son has done, if he thought I was going to do anything.

It's a difficult situation because stafl is right that you can't really expect help from the teachers and staff. OTOH, I don't think you can just let it go and leave your child to deal with it alone. This is something that I would pull my child out of school over until it was completely sorted out and I was convinced that the school was protecting my child. I know not everyone thinks or sees how they have that option but it might be something to consider. If you do a bit of brainstorming you might be able to come up with an at least temporary safe place for you child to be while you sort this out. He may need to switch schools. You may think I'm overreacting but looking back on how I handled or didn't handle things when my son was going through this I would now do anything and everything I could to protect my child. Your child has a right to go to school without fear in the same way that you have a right to go to work without fear.

[Camellia]

Marinewife,

I appreciate your thoughts. I hate to think about my son being mistreated. It sickens me. Jackson is going to spend the day with his grandparents later. He always has so much fun with them. While he's gone Dh and I will talk more about what we want to do. I'm seriously thinking about homeschooling for the first time. I always liked the idea, but know nothing about it.

I'd love to hear more about your situation with your son. How old was he? If you feel comfortable sharing and would like to pm me with details, I would appreciate it.

[Fianna]

If you are able, please go spend some time in his class. Please go talk to his teacher. I know I'm really fortunate that I am welcomed into my dd's kindergarten class anytime I want. Actually, the teacher said she wished that all parents would come in and just observe on a regular basis so they can see what their dc are doing in school. It may be that your teacher would welcome your presence and it might give you some insight into what is going on. Maybe you could go in and read books to the class every week? Or volunteer to assist with art projects? Anything to get you in and establish you as a regular participant in the class. In addition to making your son feel great that you are there, it will also cause the teacher to pay more attention to you and your child. Yes, teachers should pay equal attention to all the kids, but in all honesty, that just isn't reality.

I know a lot of the little boys in my dd's kindergarten class are very into play fighting. It's clear that most of them play video games that have violence in them and watch violent cartoons. They love to compete and will often bring toys in their bookbags to show to their classmates (even though they aren't allowed to have them out during class). So maybe your ds was participating in that sort of competitive behavior when he brought the knife?