Relationship faltering badly

[Isobel]

My son was 3 in July. Normally he is a happy, intelligent, chatterbox who has lots of fun during his days at home with me. His sister was born this year on 14 Feb. He was prepared well for the birth, saw his sister born, and has been absolutely and utterly wonderful about her arrival since he first clapped eyes on her. He is a stubborn child and doesn't back down easily. In recent weeks he seems depressed almost and is butting heads with me over just about everything. In addition to general things he doesn't want to comply with (like letting me wash his hair at bathtime, that sort of thing) there has been lots of things recently that are issues where he wants preferential treatment over and above his little sister.

I am not sure if the resentment is coming out now, now that he realises the long term nature of having a sibling, or what.

Another issue is that I have post natal depression and maybe he is picking up on this - he seems depressed himself. Is he acting out because he's not getting what he wants from me and maybe am I tending to react to him in an negative way because I'm so tired and depressed?

I had to go out the other day and it was just him and me (Holly was asleep and her dad was at home and therefore able to look after her should she wake, usually not an option as he works very long hours all week). I cannot tell you how I enjoyed being out just me and him!!! I so MISS that relationship with him. I noticed how I was able to focus on him and I noticed too how I was giving him lots of love and kisses and so on, that he doesn't get when I have Holly with me. Now I am not a mother who spends her time besotted by baby to the detriment of the pre-schooler - to the contrary, I virtually sideline her as much of the time as I can in order to give preference to Thomas at this incredibly delicate time in his life when getting it wrong could affect him forever.

However I cannot put Holly with a childminder or relative in order to spend one on one with Thomas as she bfeeds and doesn't do bottles so I am stuck until such time as she matures enough to (a) be happy to go to someone else and (b) can drink from a beaker.

What can I do. I do not know what to do with Thomas. I am working through a fog of exhaustion and depression and don't feel I can give much more. I do just the basics in terms of housework just to prevent a totally huge mountain of filth from developing yet the house is still a total tip so I couldn't do much less of that.

I am just so low that I am at a loss of what to do for Thomas to reassure him that he still has all my love.

Any comments/suggestions???

[Breathe]

Oh Isobel, I am so sorry -- It sounds like you are in a *really* tough transition. I think your intuition about ds finally realizing what little dd means to him is probably exactly right on. Poor little guy! And poor mama! I am sending you hugs and hugs and hugs from across the pond!!

((((((((((((((((((((((Isobel!)))))))))))))))))))))

Now I only have one babe, so please take this all with a grain of salt, but two ideas jump out at me:

If little dd is in the sling, sleeping, hanging out, whatever, can you and ds interact more? I've always thought this is how I'll get thru this transition time, but I have no idea if this would actually work.

Then can you and ds "schedule" Mommy & Thomas time? I say schedule w/the understanding that if dd needs to eat, you'll have to go to her, but maybe the two of you can have special time -- even just 10 minutes -- where he gets you all to himself to do whatver he wants. If dh works late and you can't do it every day, maybe you could try it on the weekends. You could even make a special sign and hang it on the door to announce to the world that you are all his for the time being! I saw this plan work for a friend whose older child was having a really tough time adjusting. What do you think?

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. Part of me thinks this is just going to be one of those really rocky times in your (and my!) life, and you'll get through it -- probably more smoothly then you can imagine right now. In the meantime, please know that I hear you and if I could come babysit, I would!

Good for you for reaching out . . . is there anyone there you can reach out to for real life support? I'm worried about you and the PPD!

Please be gentle with yourself!

[~member~]

Could you post on a bulletin board in your neighborhood asking for help cleaning? I posted at the local park and found two sisters, ten and eleven yrs old, who came over twice a week and did dishes, cleaned the bathroom, and swept and mopped all the floors. They charged ten dollars, so for about 80 dollars a month I had pretty much a clean house and more time for me and my babies. There was also a neighbor boy who charged two dollars to cut the grass and for a dollar more he would sweep the front walk.

These are all little things that, when you have children and your SO is gone working, can add up to huge amounts of time and energy, you know? I also had PPD and know what it is like to be in a fog and unable to even TRY to think of a simple solution. So, I hope I have helped you or at least gave you a direction to go in. I am hoping you the best!

[familyman]

one thing that worked for ours (just two of us time worked best) was a play date at our house. ds did not feel "shipped off" and believe it or not sometimes three is easier than two. ds will have a playmate and you will build up credit with the mom who did the drop off and had her alone time. the idea of older neighbor kids sounds great, too young to bbsit but fun for little one to play with.
as dd gets older she will be of more interest to ds, then its a whole new set of situations. before you know it they are teen agers and ds is offering to drive dd and her friends to the mall etc.
i think i just scared myself, i'm not ready yet ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[susan61]

Hang in there Isobel. I think familyman's idea of a playdate is so excellent. It would give ds an outlet other than you. Initially it feels like more responsibility to you, but they really occupy each other so sweetly. It will at least give you a breather from being his everything all the time.
Lots of hugs for you

[bestjob]

Please also remember that this is a temporary situation. When our third was born I felt like days and days went by without me spending time with his older siblings. Now he is twenty months old and I notice two things... the first is that I have a lot of time for the older two again and we are back to having a lot of fun... the second is that they are more independent than they used to be about some things. It seems to me that they are able to take responsibility for their own feelings instead of waiting for me to jolly them along.

I wouldn't put too much emphasis on having lots of fun without Holly because it seems to me it would just reinforce his feelings that life was better without her. Instead, emphasize often how much you enjoy both of them.

[momnloveit]

Enlist your son's help! It is amazing how much little people love to help. He can help you with the baby, with the housework, etc. I have a ds that is my mood barometer. He seems to know how I feel before I do. He gets really insecure if he thinks everything's not ok with me. One thing I noticed with him the minute we brought the baby home was that he started testing every rule. I realized he just wanted to make sure everything was still the same, he wasn't trying to be naughty. Whatever you do, don't fudge on the rules cause you feel sorry for Thomas. You would not be doing him a favor. As for the PPD, is there anyone you can talk to about it? I know the feeling of depression. It is a tangible presence. I don't know if you are religious, but feeding my spirit is how I always get out of the pit. Another thing that helps me is to have a playgroup and invite a couple of mommies over. It is so refreshing to have some adult conversation and let the little ones play. Good luck. It will get better and your son will be fine! Hopefully you can find some joy in the mean time. Lots of Love.

[motherdownunder]

Isobel, I just wanted to add, don't think it's your fault or anything bc I seem to be living your exact same life except in Australia and my son is 4. He was well prepared, saw his little brother born at home, was thrilled with him and still doesn't show any actual resentment or anthing, BUT..... We don't have time together which we are both grieving for, we ARGUE constantly, house is a pit, I'm depressed, etc. No help for you here, except some small comfort in knowing that you're not alone.